I Need Help with a Child and Step Parent Relationship.

Get all of you into a counselor right away. It won't get better. She is a teenager and he will always think she is not doing what she should do and doing what she shouldn't do. Good luck.

M. b.

The worst place you can be is between your child and your husband. It's a no-win situation for you. My recommendation is to sit them both down and say, "I have a relationship with each of you, but the relationship between the two of you is between the two of you. I cannot be intermediary as I love you both too much to take sides." Keep in mind as well that your daughter is 14, and has allllllll those things changing hormonally in her life. I have a husband, and my two daughters, 11 and 13 are his stepdaughters now. They too, sometimes want me to be the go-between. I trust my husband to speak to my daughters and discipline them, as well as to love them, as I do....and I stay out of his way in his relationship with them. Sometimes he makes mistakes and they argue, but so do I! That's just parenting....trial and error, and trying again!

I was 8 when my mom remarried. My stepfather was wonderful to me. Shortly thereafter, however, things began to change. I was the youngest and his kids were already on their own. I think he was looking forward to being an empty nester and my mom came along with 4 kids of her own. Only two of us were young enough to cause trouble though. He got after us (nagging mostly) so bad that my sister ended up living with her boyfriend at age 16. I stayed, finished high school and got kicked out on my own less then two months after turning 18 (aside from smoking cigarrettes, which I no longer do, I was a good kid). My mom stayed out of our bickering because I think she felt obligated to him because he supported us etc. She's passed on now but when she was sick with cancer she confided in me that she wished she hadn't let him kick me out. I was the only kid in the immediate and step-family that ended up going to college. It took me a long time before I went back to school because I was living on my own etc.

ANYway, you know your daughter better then anyone. She's a young teen and needs guidance and love. If your husband is actually causing most of the ruckus, make him understand that it disrupts the entire household -- look, you're here asking for advice aren't you? Even if he doesn't care about your daughter (which I am sure isn't the case) ask him to think of your feelings before he begins his next tirade. Hope that helps. Feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss things with me any further.

Take Care,
K.

I think I have a little experience in this area, my son was 11 when I married he being my only child and the two of them needed to "work out" there relationship around the 3 yr mark. Some of it I think teen type symptoms but I also think it is/was a point to get closer, more trusting, something like, (my son saying to himself) your really not going any ware, can I trust you, rely on you lean on you etc. My advice would be to stay out only to the degree that their little spats are not damaging. If he is saying things that are not "nice" or may affect her self-esteem step in. He sounds like he is behaving a bit childish for not confronting the issue in an appropriate way....believe it or not step-parents get insecure too.

i don't want to start any bad thoughts but is your daughter starting to develope. maybe your husband is uncomfortable being around her and doesn't know how to react to her becoming a woman and starting to have a woman figure. i'm not saying anything is happening between them is bad. but he just may not know what to say to her as a little girl any more. just food for thought!!!!!

I am a 34 year old with a 15 year old daughter and I've been remarried for 8 years - this includes twice when my husband was away in the Army and his relationship with our daughter had to re-established when he came back.

This is a relationship that the two of them will need to work out on their own outside of your relationship with them. You can try to talk with them separately to begin with. Let her know that he is your husband and that she will need to respect his rules the same as yours. You should also talk with him, too, without your daughter there. He should try to become friends with her first before trying to set down any "ground rules" for her. It's hard to respect someone you don't know. and she is just beginning to know herself. Let him know that if he does have some rules that you will have his back but they need to be clearly defined by everyone preferably prior to the behavior. This behavior of ignoring your daughter - is this witnessed by you? This is not acceptable in any relationship. If something is constantly upsetting him, then he needs to talk about it and clear the air.

Was there a specific event that happened a few months ago. Maybe this event needs to be discussed between them. But, you need to take both sides and not choose (unless of course someone is in danger which I doubt in your case).

Step parenting is a very difficult dynamic for all concerned. I have 3 step children (my husbands children from his first marriage) and we have 3 children together. Step parenting and sorting out my relationship is perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done. The natural progression is that 2 people love each other, then have children that they both love together and would die for. When you come in as a step parent, your partner already has someone in their life they would die for and it is not you.That is very hard to accept because as much as you'd like to, you do not come first. Something inside you wants you to be your partners first priority and you fight for it, while at the same time driving the person away. It is hard and against the natural order of things. What is needed is lots of understanding on everyones part and everyone having the same goal of a loving and supportive family.

I know exactly what ur going through i have a 9 year old that is starting to get the same way with her stepdad. He tries to say stuff to her and it just ends up in a agrument. Is it that they are growing older and that is how all girls are or is it something different ??? GOOD question.

set them down for a family night and try to have discussions on a variety of subject like school, work,then try to have a fun night anf discuss what each person has on there mind bring all the problems out in the open so they can be address properly. then and only then will you posably be able to confront each of them and fix the relationship. somewhere along the line one of them did something the other did not like .that needs to be brought to surface and see what they can do about it so they can be a family again, rememeber you love them both so there is no sides it is called compromise

You have gotten some great advice but I am sticking with the woman who said get counseling. I have been on every side possible. I have step-parents, I have a 20 yr old who was 3 when I got remarried and he has an 18 yr old. After all these years and couseling we still have difficulty, just like any other family. I would encourage you to make sure there is nothing going on with him regarding your relationship. Sometimes my husband is less tolerant of her if there is something going on in our marriage. There are so many dynamics that go on, that I would encourage you to see someone. If you want to contact me directly I can give you someone's name that has been helpful to us.

I just know from my own experience, it is difficult to stay out of something that is hurting your child and knowing where the line is.

I agree that counseling is a great idea. But don't forget that you're an adult/mother and your daughter needs your direction and guidance. Your husband is an adult as well, but clearly he's not behaving like one. It's unacceptable that your husband, the man you brought into your daughters life, is allowed to make unfair comments. But the harsh reality is that he can behave that way because you allow it. It's your responsibility to set the behavior standards and that they are clear and consistent for both.

In the short run you may be unpopular with your husband and daughter. You’re dealing with a teenager and her understanding, appreciation and respect may not come until she’s much older. On the other hand, if your husband continues to be disrespectful to your daughter (which is also being disrespectful to you) perhaps you need to evaluate your marriage.

Anyhow, I was once in your daughters shoes with a step mom at 15. Now that I’m older with my own kids, it blows me away the behavior my father found acceptable from his wife.

I wish you well!

T., that sounds really frustrating. Perhaps the best thing would be to NOT get in the middle of the conversation, because both of them are already heated and in a confrontational mode. It sounds like it's mostly your husband who has something going on in his brain if your daughter is trying to get him to talk during these times. Perhaps you should wait until a time when your daughter isn't around and something hasn't just happened between them, and when your husband is relaxed, and then talk with him about what you've been seeing, while not accusing him of anything so that he gets defensive. You could say something like, I've noticed that you and [your daughter] have been clashing lately and I feel [however you feel]. I love you both so much and I'm just wondering how you're feeling about this. Then just listen to him without interrupting. He needs to know you care about how he feels, too and aren't just attacking him for his behaviour, because there has to be some reason he's acting this way. I'm definitely no expert, I've just read books and experimented in my own situations. Best of luck!

Peace,
K.

T.,
this is a hard time. I've been there, so I relate.
My girl is 17 now, and we've been there.
1.
Your girl is a teenager, with many things changing so rapidly for her, that she cannot even catch up with it.
Keep your and your daughter's friendship very dearly, so that she knows: whatever ever is going on in the world, around her or with her, YOU are the3 harbor, the one who will always understand, console, give advice, or just hug and know how to quietly support her in this turmoil.
The thing is, now communication with peers becomes more and more important, and you want to have her friendship and trust, to prevent the sad situation when teenage girls find it more comfortable to them sharing their problems with friends instead, getting not always best advices from their teenage community (as you can guess), and hiding some worries from mom either out of fear not to be understood and/or punished, or out of deep love and compassion not wishing for mom to start worrying. Hold hands, dear girls, this is the first advice!!!
Task number one is for mom to raise a loving caring happy kid.

2.
Maybe, school counseling for her would help, as the counselor know how better explain things, that we moms do not know so well. Blended families have problems that we are not always capable to overcome and solve on our own, even if everybody tries their best.

3.
It would be great, if you could convince your husband that you all see the family counselor. There are very subtle things that might happen in the minds and souls of your husband, and your girl. She is turning into a nice lady now, she is not that cuddly little cozy girl anymore that she used to be, so the relationships between your husband and herself change from an adult male and a girl, to an adult male and a little lady. Keep it in mind, without any bad thoughts, T., psychologically, it is a huge change!

4.
Your position is the hardest, I'd say, as you love them both, and you're in-between them at times, like a wall, trying to protect both, and find out what's up, and keep peace in the family at the same time. It is like you are simultaneously a WARRIOR, A CARING MOTHER, and a DEDICATED BELOVED ONE, This is not an easy task at all, as there are so many contradicting tasks for you to accomplish.

I watched a movie, an old one, it is hard to find it now, but it helped me tremendously, to set things right in my own mind, as it is about a warrior, a samurai, who walks his warrior path WITH A BABY-CHILD TIED TO HIS BACK. Being a single dad whose wife was killed, he gave his baby-boy a choice to die with his mom, or to live as a warrior, and the boy chose the sword. So, the samurai raised his son, and fought for his life. You will see battles where this dad has no compassion to enemies, and you will see moments where it is clear how this warrior managed to teach his little son to be very respectful, caring, loving, and alert as a strong little warrior should be. The only talking in the movie is the background narration of about 6 years old boy's voice commenting on the events. Amazing movie, showing how parental love and the warrior's alertness and strength mingle in one person and find ways in multiple situations. That's how you feel right now, yes!?

Ok, I found this movie online, if you want to watch, but only if the samurai-kind of movies do not scare you as there is blood running, certainly. In case if you are interested, here are two links to find SHOGUN ASSASSIN, 1980:
http://www.amazon.com/Shogun-Assassin/dp/B0001CNPLI
and
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081506/

T., I wish you all the best: be loving, be strong, and stand your grounds!

T.,

First and foremost you are her mother. You need to be the person who issues punishments if she is miss behaving. You made one curious statement. You feel he makes unfair comments to your daughter. My question is what kind of comments is he making. I know you have a relationship with this man. However, you had your daughter first and she deserves to be protected. If she is mis behaving then you need to deal with it. If she is not mis behaving and your man is just having issues, then you need to deal with him. Bottom line, you daughter should come first, she can not protect herself, that is your job.

Sounds like your hubby is angry with your daughter. This may or may not be about her. In the interest of family harmony, ask him to find a therapist to talk with so he can work out what he has going on inside. Don't try to help him yourself ~ be the concerned wife who says, "Honey, I've noticed you seem angry at **. It is creating a lot of disharmony in our relationship and in our home. Will you talk with a therapist to work that out?" If he says yes, great. Watch to see how things change, and check in every now and again to see how it is going for him. Be a compassionate listening ear. If he says no, he has broken one of the primary rules of relationship which is showing willingness to work things out. This would be cause for an extended discussion and marital therapy as a couple.

Good luck!

K. Errigo
Touches the Sky Life Coaching
1-866-363-2924
touchesthesky.com

step parent and child relationships are really complex and confusing. You didn't give very much about back ground etc. so it is difficult to know if I will be giving you the right advice. . From what you wrote it does not seem like your husband is wanting or willing to help find a solution for the tension between them. Maybe you can talk to your husband alone about what you see from you perspective. If he is willing to discuss things and be open maybe sitting down with the both of them would be a good idea. After all he is the adult in the situation and needs to act like one. It is really hard to stay out of the middle and not "take sides" but you really need to try hard and do this. If your husband and daughter are willing to talk about what is going on maybe you can start it with what you have been noticing and then ask them what they want to do about it because your family can't continue to live like this forever. If they are both willing to come up with solutions and talk about what is going on with them then maybe you can step out and let them figure things out on their own. Bottom line you can't "make" either one of them form a relationship or work out things in their relationship but you can talk about how it is effecting you and how you love both of them so much and want them to work things out with each other. If things don't improve and things escalate you may want to seek out a family therapist to nip things in the bud before they get out of hand. Good luck!

The most important thing is to open some communication with your husband and find out what's going on with him. Perhaps there is interaction between the two of them when you're not there that is causing this friction or perhaps your daughter is going through some hormonal changes that are making her overly sensitive to any and everything.

It is important you stay out of the interaction between your husband and your daughter so you're not seen to choose sides, which will cause problems between all of you.

Good luck!

You may have already tried this, but did you talk to your husband in private about it? He may not like being "corrected" in front of your daughter, but in private he may be more willing to talk. Is he under alot of stress? Is she being difficult, mouthy, or sacastic (aka. just like a teenager- lol)? Maybe sit them both down and remind them that being a step-parent or a step-child is a very delicate relationship and they need to put the effort in to maintain a healthy relationship or it's going to end up putting strain on your family.