I Need Help in Dealing with My 1 1/2 Year Old :(

The only thing I want to add is that while I can understand you not wanting to "force a whiny 1 year old" on your husband after he gets off, there's a difference between that and letting him take over for a bit while you get some much needed down time. Yes, he works long hours, but YOU are working 24 hours a day with no break. It's not unreasonable at all for Dad to take the kids for a bit in the evenings so you can take a bath, or sit in complete silence if you want. Trust me, just an hour to yourself a day can make all the difference.

I couldn't agree more with Mira. I'd send 10 flowers to that answer if I could.

Please, please don't get locked into a pattern of thinking that this is a discipline issue. It's not. She's crying out to you - literally - for comfort. You have to find out what the discomfort is. Could be digestive, or chronic ear pain or sinus issues (which often clear up with eliminating dairy), or just a sensitive temperament. She can't communicate with you other than whining and crying.

My oldest son was like your daughter - difficult delivery, colic, and then he just cried and whimpered and fussed more often than not for the first year. He was a very difficult toddler and pre-schooler. He's almost 16 now so back when he was a baby it was like the stone age compared to what we know now but if he were born today, I would have looked at his diet first and foremost. He didn't have any chronic ear or sinus issues so I at least ruled those out. He settled down at around age 4 but definitely has some self-regulation issues that manifest as ADHD and has some strong environmental allergies as well.

I read a great book when my son was getting on my every last nerve called "Raising Your Spirited Child" and it was a game changer for me. It helped first to have validation that yes, my child really was *more* than other kids - cried more often, longer and with greater intensity than normal, experienced rages that were totally out of proportion with his age and life experience, was more stubborn than most, needed less sleep than most, transitioned less easily than most, etc. Then in addition to validation, it helped me to understand *why* he was the way he was, to see the positives of his temperament, and gave me effective strategies for helping him navigate the world with that temperament.

Another book I've heard great things about is "The Out of Sync Child"(or something like that). When you talk to parents of older children who have been diagnosed with sensory processing issues and other similar problems you'll often hear them say that this child was different from birth.

Your child may be one of those kids who will always be a puzzle for you to solve - she may just have a temperament that is challenging and needs more patience and soothing and understanding than a typical child needs. But first, rule out the physical - examine her diet with an expert on holistic health like a naturopath, consider chiropractic care or adding supplements to her diet under the guidance of someone who knows what she or he is doing, etc.

Good luck to you - I know how trying it can be to parent a challenging child. The other thing to add is that your husband can and should help you. His long day at work is NOTHING compared with your long day at home. I was a single M. with my oldest child so I was truly parenting him alone but got a much needed break every day at work when he was with his care providers (who also found him difficult but cared for him anyway). You can't do this alone day after day and there's no excuse for him not giving you the break you need. Work is a picnic compared with being home with kids all day, really!

This sounds like a challenge. And you have my sympathies.

But, honestly, a lot of what you write signals that there could be a low-level medical issue going on. Because of the history of colic, my mind went right to a dietary sensitivity. If you have any way of tracking down a naturopathic physician (not a quack with a crystal ball, a *doctor* with an ND instead of an MD), you could benefit a lot from a review of her diet. My son had all kinds of issues that were ultimately connected to trace amounts of dairy in his diet. Once we got him completely off dairy, the change was amazing -- it was like the clouds just burned away and the sun came out. In addition to dairy, wheat is also a common sensitivity trigger. If you can't find a naturopath, you may be able to get a workup form a pediatric gastroenterologist as well.

Or, as someone else said, if it's not something in her digestive tract, something in the ear-nose-and-throat system is another possible culprit. Try to get an appointment with a pediatric ENT.

My suspicion (though I don't see it below), is that you'll get all kinds of recommendations for harsh discipline on this site. If you do, please don't listen to them. There's an important role for discipline in a child's life, but 18 months is cognitively, neurologically way too young. And these issues sound like symptoms, not behaviors. Try checking with a couple of specialists -- naturopath/GI, then ENT, and possibly a neurodevelopmental specialist. It sounds like something is suppressing her natural capacity for happiness, but it may take some detective work to find it.

My younger son went through episodes like this, and it turned out he was suffering from ear infections. He never showed any of the usual symptoms like fever, or tugging on his ears, he would just cry and whine and be miserable. Once we found out this was caused by ear infections we tried treating them with antibiotics, and when that didn't work we had tubes put in. Once he got the tubes he was like a different kid. Anyway, talk to her doctor and rule out the possibility of an ear infection or some other medical problem.

I would do as the previous poster said and first rule out any illness issues. After that. Each and every time she does the screaming thing say no screaming and put her in her room in her crib and let her scream alone. When she stops bring her out. She has taken control and you have to get it back. Does she ever sit and play? I would put her in a playpen or some other confined space and give her some toys to play so you can get a break. It sounds like you need one. You might want to join a group of some kind that meets weekly just to get out each week. I joined a bowling league for just the reason you describe.

I wanted to add something to my answer. At the age your little one is my kids were still taking 2 naps a day. Does your daughter still nap? If not she might need to start taking at least one in the afternoon. she may be overtired in the daytime which can also lead to the meltdowns.

Yes- my daughter was this way. And honestly, you have to learn to ignore the whining and tantrums. It's the only way to break them of this. As long as she's safe and sound, just ignore the bad behavior. She'll learn eventually that it just doesn't work. My daughter had the most epic meltdowns. Esp in the car. I would just turn up the radio and keep on keeping on. She still has them from time to time, but they are shorter in duration now. Hang in there!

I agree with those who recommend a visit to the ped. I would also try a dairy elimination diet, just to see if there could be a food intolerance.

I'm also wondering about sensory issues. Is she more easily upset when your 2 boys are running around? Does she seem to be bothered by busy places like stores and malls? You might give Early Intervention a call if you think it could be something like this. Also, is she talking yet? If not, she might be very frustrated that she can't communicate, and Early Intervention could help with this too.

While you work through all of that kind of stuff... Please remember that you are NOT a bad mommy if, when she thows a full-on tantrum, you put her safely in her crib, calmly tell her that she'll need to stay here until she stops crying, and then walk out of the room, shut the door and go to another room until she stops (I always found something nearby, but busy to do - fold some laundry in the next room over, etc, so I could hear when the crying stopped, but my mind was occupied with something else). What is most important is that she is safe, and letting her tantrum in a safe place can be part of being a good mommy.

And, of course, follow up with positive discipline - when she is being good and not whining, set aside whatever housework you have to do, and play with her one-on-one as a reward for good behavior.

Good luck!

I totally feel your pain. I understand what it's like to have a challenging child. YES.

With that being said, I would take her to the pediatrician and make sure that you rule out any kind of medical issues. I think it's always a good idea to check with them because you never know what a child may be experiencing. Especially when they can't verbalize what's bothering them. So that would be the next thing I would do.

The other thing I would do is MAKE SURE you are getting a break. Join the local gym or YMCA that has childcare, JUST so you can take care of yourself and get a break. That is SO important. Often times, the childcare is pretty inexpensive. If that doesn't work, see if you can swap with a friend. Offer to watch her kids and she can do the same for you. Hire a babysitter once a week, if you can swing it. YOU need a break, which is totally reasonable and understandable.

It will pass. That being said, in the moment is no consolation. When I met my wife her daughter was 2 and had I spent more time with that kid before we married....... there may not have been a marriage, I'M KIDDING.
But that kid was a monster, wouldn't eat what you fixed, wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't stay in bed, wouldn't wear what you picked out, wouldn't keep clothes on, wouldn't stay in the bath, wouldn't let you hold her, wouldn't let you put her down.. you name it that kid went against it. My wife's son on the other hand is/was an angel.
Today, that monster is 8 and she is without a doubt the kindest most compassionate little girl I've ever met.
Keep doing what you're doing, and stay consistent with your methods.

I love all the "phases" our kids go through. I feel for you especially since you are with her all day. Just a couple thoughts that might help...
-maybe find a tumbling class or some kind of outlet for her
-give her options vs one choice
-look for opportunities to praise her for positive behavior

Good luck!
We just moved into the terrible threes so we're almost over it! Thankfully!!

I'm sorry. My youngest was a big challenge at that age. And to be honest, now that she's 8, she's still a challenge (but not as big a challenge, so it does get better). I agree with Mira that you may be dealing with a medical issue here. It took us 8 years to realize that our daughter was not merely "difficult," she has ADHD. Once we realized that, her behavior became a lot easier to manage because we know the reasons the behaviors are happening. Somehow it's a lot worse when you think, "Okay, what am I doing wrong as a parent that my child is acting like this, when none of the other kids act like this?" It's not you, and it's not willful behavior on the child's part, the child is just not wired like everyone else. And I will say, my daughter has been like this literally from day 1.

So... your first stop should probably be the pediatrician's office. Could be a slight food allergy, could be some other weird thing going on (ear infections, sinus infections, she's hyper-sensitive to sounds or touch).

Don't feel badly asking your husband for help, either. Just because he works outside the home doesn't mean the children aren't his, too. You need a break at the end of the day so you can do other things you need to do (help your other kids, make dinner, soak in the tub, whatever).

Once you rule out physical problems, Ear aches, also her hearing and her sight, then you need to move on to ignoring her tantrums.

Ear plugs help take the edge off. purchase a lot of them and have them up high and around the house.. Keep them in the car and in your purse.

Remember her attention span is about a minute, 2 at the most.

And make sure there is a place for her to be safe while she is having these melt downs. Her completely childproofed room with the door closed.. Or in the car, while the rest of you wait outside of the car and not in her eyesight,

And then you need to learn to recognize when these melt downs are about to happen or to avoid them..

She does not have the verbal skills to tell you what she wants or needs and so you need to figure out what is going on and give her the words.

"I can tell you want that cookie" (in the future do not have them where she can see them) "How about some crackers or some applesauce?" While moving the cookies away from her vision. When she makes her choice say "Good choice".

Time to put on her jacket and she fights you.." Ok you hold the jacket and I am going to put your boots and hat on first. Thank you for holding the jacket." "Do you want to put the left arm in first? Or the right arm in first? "(Touch her arms while you say this.. meaning her right arm, her left arm)

Another option with jackets, pants, ect.. Is to have her turn away from you and then touch her shoulders. while saying left or right, . Or Having her look away at something else. Quickly say, "Hey, What is that out the window? Is that a dog walking with that lady? "

"We need to wash our hands! Help me wash my hands. Lets share soap." Rub your and her hands with soap. "Ok lets rinse them off! You both rinse the off, you helping her. Then ask her, where is the towel? Thank you for the towel..

You get the idea.. Yes she is 1 1/2, but she is always watching, hearing and learning. If she is made a part of this stuff, she will feel like she has some control.

Options for a child this age are pretty easy. Acknowledging her feelings with your tone will also give her the words for what she is feeling, Giving her time and some distractions, take a bit of planning but the are worth it.

This is so hard. It really is. It is just so emotionally draining.

Saying "No" rarely works at that age. They truly don't understand, and the more you use the word, the less effective it becomes.

Also, punishing her for whining is not nearly as effective as ignoring the behavior. As soon as she starts whining or throwing a temper tantrum, you have to just walk away. Say something like, "Mommy can't help you when you're so upset. Mommy will be happy to help you when you can calm down."

You have to be able to remain calm and not get emotional (something I'm not very good at - but I'm working on it!). Stay calm. Be very matter-of-fact. She will learn that getting upset is not getting the desired result. If you are consistent and really praise the behavior you desire, she will learn what works. She will learn the behaviors that get your attention and that get her what she wants.

It is not easy. I lose my temper way too easily, and it's something I'm really trying to work on (and my boys are 4 & 7). Just this morning I had to remind myself several times not to get upset and to just remind them to get dressed or find their shoes or whatever. For some reason, I was able to stay calm this morning (even though they were starting to drive me crazy), and they really responded. They found their shoes faster and found their backpacks and we got out of the house just a few minutes later than our goal - so still on time for school.

Hang in there!

It can be so stressful dealing with a high maintenance child!
I don't know if/when she'll out grow it or if changes in diet will make any difference.
It's worth it to talk to your pediatrician about her behavior and see what he has to say.
What I hear from "there's no light at the end of the tunnel" is that you're feeling trapped and your back is up against a wall.
You need to find a way to take a break and if that means you get a sitter for her a few times a week then go ahead and find one.
You need to take regular sanity breaks.
Then you can take a nap, sit down, go for a walk, see a movie, take a bubble bath - what ever relaxes you and recharges your batteries - so you are better able to withstand the stress the rest of the time.

I'd find a local Mother's Day Out and put her in the full day program at least one day per week so I could have a break. It truly makes the other days seem better when you've had a day off and can take a nap, go shopping, clean out the fridge, turn the music up all the way, etc....it's not bad parenting to need kiddo to go somewhere so you can have a break.

I do think hubby needs to take care of kiddo at least one evening per week so you can have a break.