I Need Help Before I Go Insane!

C.,

Maria is very much right. I see a difference in my son when he eats or drinks anything with red dyes in it or even chocolate. It is as thought he becomes satan in one instant. Try to keep him away from these things for a while and see if it helps out.

W.

WOW! I can imagine how helpless you feel at times. I have spent the last 6 years in the early childhood education field and there is almost nothing I haven't encountered. This type of behavior is probably the MOST challenging of all but there are a number of things you can do to counteract it. Here's what I have found to be effective over the years (I am going to list a number of approaches and the psychology behind each of them so this is going to be a lengthy post):

1) You have to understand why your toddler might be behaving so unacceptably. It helps that he is of verbalizing age so you can actually catch himon one of his calmer days and have a talk about what is eating at him. There are a few things that you should take into consideration. Usually, this type of behavior signals a need to express feelings that your toddler doesn't know the words for. He may simply be tired, hungry, angry, frustrated, need a hug, need set boundaries, or not understand what it is you expect of him. Make it a point to use descriptive language whenever possible to describe feelings and emotions you, your children, your spouse, or anyone else maye be experiencing throughout each day. He will pick up on this type of language and incorporate it into his own verbal repertoire. His bahavior could also be triggered by sudden changes to his routine. Try to stick to as rigid a schedule as possible including nap/quiet time. Children derive calmness and security from predictability or rythm of routines from day to day. Anytime there will be a deviation from the expected, try to prepare him well in advance by talking about the upcoming change as often as possible. ANY change can be stressful for a toddler. This includes getting a new sibling (which takes about 2 years to adjust to by the way) and moving to a new house and leaving a familiar environment behind. Try to think back to when the behavior started and see if there was a major change in his life that may have caused it. Remember your toddler has a different way of communicating than adults do. Use language that he will understand and over exaggerate your tone and facial expressions so that they are clearly interpreted.

2)Ignoring can work wonders when used effectively. The common mistake many moms make (and I don't mean to discredit any mother's technique...if it works by all means do it) is that in using the ignoring technique, often times the child is alienated and as a result feels abandoned which can sometimes exacerbate(sp?) the problem. Ignoring is actually a communication tool and, when used as such, can yield surprising results. I know you're wondering how you can communicate with someone by ignoring them. Here is one scenario.

Your toddler is on the floor in a screaming tangle of flailing arms and legs. So what do you do? First, assume that he can hear you. (If you gave in and said "yes" to whatever the current demand was he would hear you so assume that he is always listening for the possibility that you might give in.) Kneel down to his level and say some thing like "I can see that you are frustrated (tired, hungry, scared, lonely, need a hug, or whatever the current mood calls for). Sometimes i feel this way also and I would like to show you what to do to feel better."

This validates his feelings without being condescending.

Then say, "Right now I am going to [insert fun activity here]. You can stay here and kick and scream or you can join me when you've calmed down and you're ready to join me."

This shows the child support instead of abandonment and let him know that he is still loved and will be accepted as soon as the undesirable behavior has stopped. At this point you would leave the room and begin the activity or at least set it up so that it is ready when he is.

From the other room you would call out from time to time saying, "I would still enjoy doing [fun activity] with you when you are ready." This shows that you are still in support and that he has not been forgotten.

When he finally joins you, you can begin the activity which serves to disarm him and during the activity you can begin the REAL work. Strike up a conversation about what just transpired. Ask how he was just feeling during the tantrum or describe the feeling for him if he can't define it on his own. Then discuss ways you've dealt with that particular feeling in the past and ask what he could have done differently to avoid such an unpleasant episode.

You have to take time to teach these things. Some children learn them intuitively but others actually need a little help.

2) Imitation can be powerful as well. Mirror your child's behavior. If he's laying on the floor kicking and screaming then you do the same. Show the child the bahavior he is showing you. One of two things will happen. He will either be disarmed by the fact that youlook so ridiculous or he will be even more angry and feel teased in which case youwill know that this is not the method for you. (Parenting is an experimant in trial and error after all.) Basically, the behavior is a way to seek attention ar a certain reaction fromthe parent and a "reverse tantrum" is not the reaction he wanted or expected. If you're lucky, he will be caught so off guard by your silly behavior that he will smile at you through forgotten tears.

3) Become a "yes mom" by eliminating the words "NO, STOP, and DON'T" from your vocabulary. This will take some SERIOUS conscious effort on your behalf but will be well worth retraining yourself on. First, set up your environment to eliminate as many "no's" as possible. Make everything tangible for your youngster so that there isn't much to yell "no" about. Keep things out of reach that are off limits. Reserve "NO, STOP, and DON'T" for serious situations that involve a considerable amount of danger such as darting toward the road. Instead of "no" use a hand signal as you speak such as raising a flat hand in front of you like a stop sign. Well what do you say since you aren't going to tell him no anymore? Instead of telling him what you DON'T want himto do, tell him what you WANT him to do. A "yes mom" uses phrases such as "walking feet," "quiet mouth," "looking eyes," "feet on the floor," "gentle touches (and you may have to demonstrate this)," and "walk away." Again, speak with exaggerated body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice (they understand tone of voice before words anyway). The science behind this comes from the fact that small children have a hard time processing directions that are abstract instead of concrete. One being toddlers usually only process the ends of sentences. (If you are giving choices make the choice you WANT him to choose the ast thing you offer and chances are it will be the one he chooses.) So "don't do that" sounds like "do that" to little ears. Make you're requests CONCRETE instead of ABSTRACT. Think about this for a moment. What exactly does "not putting that in your mouth look like"? Your toddler can't picture that in his head but if you asked him to "put that on the table" instead, he has a concrete idea of what to do next. Here are a few more examples:

"No hitting," becomes, "Use your words," or, "Gentle touches."

"Stop running in the house," becomes, "Use your walking feet in the house."

"Don't eat in the living room," becomes, "We eat at the kitchen table."

This takes a lot of practice so don't expect to be able to do this over night.

4) The fourth and final technique I'll describe here today is the art of redirection or the "Triple A Strategy." (This actually builds on the first and last techniques I mentioned.) Once you figure out what sets your toddler off, you have ammunition to use against his next attempt at disruptive behavior. The Triple A Strategy is a three step method: Anticipate/Act/Avert. Once you know what sets him off you can anticipate his nect tantrum and act on it before it starts. Redirect his attention then you've averted a disaster. No trigger = no tantrum. To give you some idea how redirection works, let's use this scenario: "Don't put that toy in your mouth." Well, you know he's going to have a cow about you taking the toy from him. Trigger = identified. So what do do? "Take the toy out of your mouth." Eliminate "NO, STOP, and DON'T." Be a "yes mom." Use concrete directions instead of abstract ones. "Put the toy on the table and go get a book for us to read together." Redirection at it's finest. Then, while he's fetching the book, make the toy disappear. Voila! Tantrum averted. I know it sounds easy but it really does take a lot of conscious effort on your part, but if you can master these techniques, you will be at peace and so will your toddler.

Also I read the previous posts on this topic and I find all of the ideas to be very valid especially the food triggers, Nanny 911, and the one about sibling rivalry. These are all things you should take into consideration. I also agree that ASK DR. SEARS is an indespensible resource for parents seeking answers for a variety of situations we all encounter on a daily basis.

I hope i have been of some assistance to you. You can feel free to message me anytime and we can discuss things further via private message or telephone. It took me forever to write this, and I hope you wont mind, but I'd like to share this advice with another mom as well.

Have a blessed day!

~V.

I would try a mothers day out or a parttime nursery school especialy if you plan to go back to work. My son (also almost 4) went through something similar when I was taking on more hours at work and he had just moved up a grade (he has always needed a lenghty adjustment period).

It helps to have other adults who disipline and teach your child. They learn that different people have different styles of "mamagement" and expectations which is important when they begin to assimilate and socialize.

At home we use "sit down until you settle down" if he has a meltdown. As well as trying to lable feelings so that he can emphasize with others (like his little sister).

Im working full time now and he is in school full time and doing very well there and at home. Good luck to you and your family and congrats on the new home.

K.

Hi C.,
First off I am sure this has been hard on you,I have taught for about 20 years and in all this time I have seen what you are experiencing many times.
Please do not put your child on any medication (which will probably be offered)until you and your husband have EXAUSTED all other avenues.
It sounds like there is alot going on, children can not sort emotion.. stress can bring on alot of poor behavior.
What children need is consitancy what ever the schedule his routine needs to be predictable.
You can create a picture schedule to help him know what comes next breakfast, dress, school,ect. this will help I promise.
You seem to place a lot of weight on what he says he does not comprehend his words the way you do, what he does understand is the effect & impact his words have.
I know that tis seems all too simple but, it is when you & your family settle in and have a routine you will be more relaxed and so will your family .
Tackle on thing at a time childrens rooms set-up, family room ect... try to keep to the same sort of day for the children.
Enlist help from your husband,have a united front, create expectations of the behavior you want,be clear and consitant,have a zero tolorance policy for ugly behavior.
(Time -outs are effective)
Will your children be going to School when you go back to work?
IF so, this may help.
Please contact me call me if you would like I wish you the best.
~A.~###-###-####

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult you are having it. Have you tried conceling? When I was younger I was also a very angry child. I spent 10 yrs in conceling helping me open up and talk. It may seem like a long time, but in the end the conceling helped me become a happy more sociable person. I used to hate everyone and everything. I wouldn't talk to people and I would also say hateful things. I wasn't abused or anything it was just how I was. My mother wouldn't put me on any medications because she didn't feel I truly needed them.

Hi C.,
I had a similar problem and as I described it to my pediatrician, he suggested eliminating red food dye from his diet. I made a note for several days what he was eating before his outbursts. Sure enough red and yellow food dye triggered bizarre aggressive behavior. Chocolate also contributes to his acting out. Eliminating these substances made a HUGE difference.

Also, I read a book about raising boys that explained that boys have a testosterone surge shortly after birth, at age 3 and at age 13. Sometimes that testosterone surge causes sudden uncharacteristic aggressive behavior. What do you do? Weather the storm but be firm and consistent. In my opinion, it is counterproductive to tell him "Don't hit" and then hit him.

I also sought professional help and finally found a psychological testing center that evaluated our situation and we are now preparing to undergo 6 hours of testing. When we do have a diagnosis then we will know how to treat the problem. Some people think this is psychobabble, but as a woman who went from the brink of insanity to one with great hope for the future...I think testing and therapy can be an answer to prayers.

Blessings and best of luck to you!

Ignore the bad behavior and respond positively to the good behavior. Set appropriate consequences and be firm, stick to them. If he is lookign for a response from you by acting out, dont give it to him. He will soon realize that he will get your attention by acting appropriately, nothing will inspire him more to change than being ignored until he acts accordingly. I can reccommend a wonderful kids play therapist if you want more professional support.

Sounds silly but Super Nanny worked for us. My three year old had started to hit and scream really loud. I started doing the stuff the Super Nanny was doing with the Naughty Chair and he made a complete turn around within two weeks. Now, when he acts up all I have to ask is if I need to find him a naughty spot and he shakes his head and puts the halo back on.

some times childrend resopnd certin way for a reson is something new going on in the family has some thing change he's 3 1/2 sometime they just get bored is he in school dose he have friends cousins that he might have time with Good luck J.

I have a 3 and 4 year old. The advice of time out is good and we do use it - we have a "naughty mat". They know where theirs are and they have to get it and sit on it. Also the "Super Nanny" stuff is concrete and works - warnings, time outs and the one thing I did not see is structure. When we are on a schedule things work and their behavior is good, when we deviate from it it unravels a bit. And finally having him in some kind of program with other children can help also - a part-time daycare, a mother's day out or even karate class. Anything where he learns what behavior is acceptable/not acceptable in a group setting helps forward learning process faster - the group dynamic is very helpful. Good luck!