I Need Help Again

As women we often make the mistake of giving away our power and living like victims. Why is it his decision what happens next? You need to get yourself together and start living your own life regardless of what he wants or whether or not he's there. Maybe you'll work things out and stay together, maybe not, but you will be better off if you can thrive no matter what. Your kids need you to be strong and a good role model. For your daughter this means not modeling weakness that accepts mistreatment. You need a plan. Counseling might be beneficial.

J.,

You deserve so much better than that. He has all the control currently and he knows it. He needs to be man enough to sit down with you and figure all of this out. A councelor as a mediator may be a good idea.

You need to look out for yourself here, and what your husband is doing to you is nothing short of cruel. Sit him down, and tell him that you need to figure out where things are going, as you refuse to let things be how they are

Easier said than done, I know....best of luck! You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them!

Sounds like he's done. If so not much you can do. I'd give it a little bit of time no more than 3 mos. and in the meantime start working on things incase you end up a sinlge mom.

There are a couple possibilities here:

1) He really does want to work it out, but he doesn't know how to talk with you about it in a way that feels safe. In this situation I would find a good counselor (I can recommend an excellent one if you are in the Twin Cities) who will help the 2 of you communicate in a safe zone and help you develop the communication skills necessary to continue this marriage successfully. Many men shy away from seeing a marriage counselor because they figure it will just be session with 2 people beating up on them verbally. But if you approach it something like this maybe it will work. "______, you have told me that you need space to figure out if this marriage will work and I respect that. However, I also think that getting a chance to talk through your concerns with me could help. I am guessing that you don't feel comfortable or safe doing that right now with just the 2 of us because we just end up fighting, yelling, etc. But I have heard of this wonderful counselor that comes highly recommended by a number of husbands as a great mediator for these types of discussions (pm for for her name if you want, she saved my marriage from disaster and my husband's best friend's marriage). Would you be willing to attend a few sessions with me?"

2) He really is not interested in saving the marriage but doesn't want the drama and finality of a divorce. In this situation, he will refuse any opportunity for the 2 of you to work on your relationship together. But he will cruelly keep you "hanging on" and waiting for him to come back, because then he feels in control of a scary situation. In this situation, you need to look out for yourself and start divorce procedures so that you can start to move forward.

Good luck and big hugs.

Hi J.! I have been thinking about your post for awhile. I read your update and one thing I wanted to comment on was DON'T lose weight for anyone but yourself. So many people think that it's the woman's fault for not holding a man's attention. That is a horrible lie. It is NOT your fault! He is making a crappy, selfish choice and it has nothing to do with you failing. HE is the one coming up short.
Get into counseling and have someone to encourage you! Oh, and DON'T read those "created to be his helpmeet" books that were suggested to you in your previous post. God didn't intend for you to be a doormat and have to slave to please your husband.
If he is willing to lay down his pride, admit that he was a jerk and repeatedly prove himself to be faithfull and commited then go to counseling together and see if you can work it out. BUT if not, don't let him string you along and keep waiting and wondering what else you can do to make him love you again. You and your kids deserve better than that. Keep being strong! and above all....you are deeply loved by God!

I have a friend whos husband decided he needed "space" and wasnt sure if he loved her anymore and said it would just be temporary. She at the time had a 3 year old and was a few months pregnant with thier second. She was devistated but with the help of freinds and family and going to a counciler she made it thru the tough time and now about 3 years later she is very happy. She is getting remarried next year and everything turned out ok. It is tough at the time but things do get easier. Im sorry you are having to go thru this. I am not in your situation but mabye seeing a counciler would be a good idea and take the time alone to reconnect with yourself and enjoy the time with your kids. God never gives you more than you can handle and in time things will get better. If you are meant to be togeather you will and if not then mabye your sole mate is still out there waiting. I hope everything gets better soon.

Your a fantastic person. Your a beautiful woman and your really really strong. I don't know if I could go through what your going through as well. Your an inspiration. D. Q