I Need Advice on Whether I Should Intervene with My Stepdaughter

Hi Greta,

First of all, I think that you are right to be concerned about this child and to not give up on her. However, having never had a good relationship with her, I don't think that you really have any pull. I think your best course of action is to encourage her father, your husband, to be a better father. Living an hour away is absolutely, positively, NO excuse to only see his daughter once every few months. I can not believe that he thinks that that is acceptable, and now that she's acting out, probably because her father rejected her, he's surprised?

I would encourage you to buy the movie 'Courageous', and watch it with your husband. Children NEED their fathers.

Who knows, it may be too late, but he NEEDS to start being there for her now.

Well with the attitude of your husband and the attitude of "we don't have room for her anyway"...I wouldn't want to come visit or care what my dad/stepmom think either.

Matter fact at one point in my teen years I stopped all contact with my dad (I had a very good relationship with my other mom and siblings) I would go visit them when dad wasn't around. I was the one calling him all the time, he was always so busy with other things, so I stopped....he didn't give up...he got the hint on his own. From the time I was 17 til about 22 we had lunch every Friday...just me and him!

And they lived 45 minutes from me...so that is no excuse. He is the parent and he needs to not give up on his daughter.

She's a kid. She needs you.

My neice is in a similar situation. I email, text and do anything in my power (that is healthy for me and my family) to be a part of her life. I'm disappointed that her father is so easily discouraged.

I hope you have the strength to offer your ear to her. Don't rescue her, but you also don't have to discipline her. Show her what a grown, strong independent woman looks like. She won't forget - even if it doesn't show for years.

She's a kid - she needs you.

Living an hour away is no excuse for her dad. I think you need to help him step up. At her age she is not going to listen to anyone but maybe her knowing her dad really cares will help. Knowing she can call her dad and talk will be a great first step. Good luck

An hour away is nothing. Your husband should step up as a man and a father and get involved in his daughter's life. What does it say to her that her father has stopped caring and trying and doesn't even have room in his home for her? Tell him to think about the message that it's sending. First, she's learning that she's not important. And she's also learning that it's ok to stop trying. Awful lessons to teach an at-risk 16 year old.

I can't imagine the girl would listen to you if you've never had a good relationship. Your husband should get involved, though. Think through some concrete things he can do to help his daughter. How about visits each weekend? Phone calls every few days? Offering to help her study for the GED. Even just letting her know he cares and will be consistent about being involved in her life could be a help. It's on him to get involved, and hopefully you can help him see that she needs him NOW.

Agree with Heather and Aunt Mei Mei. This post makes me sad.
First, you married a bad father. What he does to his daughter (basically quit on her) he could do to your children one day. Don't blame the ex-wife for this... this is all on your husband and his lack of interest in his own child.
Second, she's your daughter now too. Would your house ever be too small for your own kids? I don't think so.
Not being a stepmother myself, I cannot begin to understand how difficult this kind of situation must be. From your post, I see that you feel bad about what's happening with daughter #1. Your own kids are still small - you probably didn't have to deal with teenagers yet - but believe me, there will be days when you'll want to kick your own kids out of the house when they're 16, but you won't, because you love them, and you know that this too will pass.
I think you already know what you need to do. Kick your husbands behind and make room for your (step)daughter. She may not like you now, but one day she will understand and appreciate what you did.

Can YOU build a bridge with her mom? Can you try to strengthen that relationship as a way to keep the lines of communication open?

Can you get your husband to try to understand how incredibly hard it has been for his girl to see him with his other kids that *get* to live with him FT in a house where there is literally no room for her?

Honestly, if you don't have (and have never had) a good relationship with her I don't see what you can do except for love her for who she is warts and all, and provide support and encouragement when you can.

How sad that your husband has been able to give up on his own flesh and blood. I don't know if I could come to terms with that, as his wife.

It's hard for a non-custodial parent when the custodial parent is not cooperative. I sooo understand how a parent can just disengage and give up. As his wife, I think that you should continue to encourage him--not in a nagging kind of way--to fight for his daughter. You have to figure out what methods would work best, based on your husband's disposition. He'll likely be annoyed, but know that it's not about you. He's annoyed because he knows that you are right and he feels frustrated and helpless. Be gentle with him. In my opinion, we are in our spouses' lives to help them to be as good as they can be, and vice versa. And we are in these children's lives to help them to get whatever love might fall through the cracks in our absence, even if indirectly.

You should make room for her in your house. That stood out to me. Wherever she has a parent, she should ALWAYS have space, while she is a minor. No exceptions. If her father lives in a car, one butt-space should have her name on it and remain empty if she's not in it. And she should know this. Clear out space for her in your house and let her know that this is her space. Help to make it welcoming to her.

She is a kid, and that means that she is also "stupid". Kids know everything and nothing at all, and we have to love them through it and continue to act in their best interest. I don't know what this looks like in your family dynamic. I do know that I am glad that my stepson is now 18 and on his way out. It has been challenging and will continue to be challenging. I have to keep in mind why I am here and refocus my thinking, sometimes daily.

I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughter has an amazing father that is absolutely, completely involved in her life at 19 (we split up when she was four). We remain one mile apart for this reason but if we were an hour apart it wouldn't make a difference.

Fathers are SO important in their daughter's lives!! I honestly know I wouldn't date, marry and have children with a man that didn't make his existing child his priority.

She will get the attention she so derserved from other places. I hope he steps up, this is really sad.

Okay, I'm going to really try to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, but I have to say -- he only sees her every few MONTHS? And she only lives an hour away? That's terrible. Another absentee father. There's no excuse for that. He's an adult, he should never throw up his hands.

If she's 16, and you don't have a good relationship with her, and she already is engaged in so many bad behaviors, it's highly unlikely anything you do will make a difference. Unfortunately, her mother blew it. She will have to make her mistakes and learn her lessons the hard way and grow up when her brain matures.

The only thing I suggest, is that you make kind gestures towards her. Send her occasional gifts, or try to friend her on Facebook, offer to visit and take her shopping, whatever. These things will probably be rejected, but a 16 year old who isn't being properly parented needs all the love directed at her that she can get.

And yes, as Heather suggested, make room for her in your house. Dadonpurpose is correct.

Good luck, and thanks for trying.

wow, SOOOOO sad on so many levels :( i don't even know you yourself could get involved with a man like that, not consistently involved in his child, i guess i would be seeing myself as the other woman at some point, raising whatever children we had together alone eventually... living an hour away is NO excuse, you say that like it's a day's drive away - with an hour apart, he should be seeing her, and have been seeing her, at least once a week! if i were her, i prob wouldn't make any effort to see you guys either... her mother is not charged with keeping your husband up to date, she's busy enough raising HIS child by herself - he needs to call her or her mother, frequently, and ask questions and get involved. i think it's super sweet that you're concerned, but not much YOU can do - her father needs to get involved, and if he won't, nothing you can really do but stand by, watch, and hope it's not the future of your kids.

It's so great that you care and are asking for advice here!!! Even after she was rude and disrespectful and shows that she doesnt like you, you realize she is just a hurt kid who needs a second, third fourth chance.
My adult kids are really hurt that their father had so little time for them. They wont admit it but they love it when every few years he does spend time with them. Also my daughter (now 20) admitted she put a lot of the anger towards her dad into anger at her step father who was a great step father. They cant seem to put the anger where it belongs they so want that fragile link to their bio dad, so any anger towards her mom or dad may go towards you. I guess in a way this is healthy for her, just difficult for you!
Her mother may seem like a crappy parent but she is the one who has room for this child in her life. Your husband is being lazy at his daughter's expense. Tell him it is NOT too late. She doesnt know she needs him but she does! You cannot discipline in any way, you can offer friendship and be a good example to her.

Stay out of it, LG. She needs to grow up. She's not going to do it without having some lumps, like getting in trouble for driving without a license. (What's up with that!!)

Continue to gently prod your husband to call her once a month or so, just to ask how she is doing.

Dawn

She's making bad choices and needs some guidance, most likely by an uninvolved 3rd party. The reason she's this way as a 16 year old is because she needed parenting when she was 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. It's easy to criticize her mother's parenting when her father has been inconsistent in his involvemetn, remarried, had other kids, doesn't have room in his home for her (but has room for the kids that he had after her) and sees her every few months because it's an hour's drive to see her. The message that she's received from her father from a very young age is that she's not a top priority in his life and that his love is conditional on how conveniently she fits into the rest of his life. Yes, she may need help. However, you are not the person to deliver that message nor is it a good idea to judge her mother's parenting skills when her own father has been far from a stellar parent.

Get your husband a small booklet called "You've got what it takes" - it's about how and why kids need their dads - it's a very quick read. (A "man-sized" book.) While the mom may be a whacko it's not the daughter's fault that her mom is not a good mom - nor is it her fault her parents split and her dad lives an hour away. She is disrespectful to you and difficult with her younger sibilings becuase she's jealous of the relationship with her dad. She's still a kid even though she may be acting like she's an adult. She's yearning for a relationship with him but she will never admit it or may not even realize it.
Kids need to know that their parents will never, ever give up on them. Our youth paster puts it this way - kids need to know that we will outlast them. My almost 16 yr old daughter who has mental health problem seemed to improve quite a bit after she became convinced that no matter what I would outlast her, always be there, no matter what happened with other people I would be there until the bitter end, etc.
Your husband needs to build a bridge back to his daughter. 16 is not too late. She may have made some mistakes, she may have done some dumb things, but she didn't have anyone there to push her and cheer her on. He needs to offer to take her and a friend or two to an amusement park, or something like that. It's an easy way to break the ice and rebuild, but also begin to make memories upon which to base the future relationship. Then he needs to be there at least twice a month. Living an hour away is not a the other side of the country. Every other weekend - a friday night, Saturday afternoon, Weds evening, is the least he should see her. After work for pizza, Saturday morning breakfast at a diner, etc. It doesn't have to be expensive - movies, shopping, spaghetti dinner, bike riding, county fair, etc.
Please beg him to do this. He'll find that it will be really difficult at first - he'll want to make judgements about the things she says and does - but she may be saying things to test him - for shock value to see if he really loves her and will stick by her. Once she learns by experience that he cares and is still there she'll relax - she'll even probably be nicer to you and the younger kids becusea she won't be so jealous any more.
She's only a kid herself. So many teens try to put on this front that they don't care, that they're grown up, that they dont' need anyone else - when really they are just trying to protect themselves from more pain.
Having been a teenage girl whose dad remarried and seemed to care more about his new kids than me and his other "old" kids - I had a lot of quiet, secret pain about my father who didn't love me - and I was ready to fall in to the arms of any boy who showed me attention. It was a disaster.
You're an good person for caring about your step daughter - your kids are blessed to have their dad there every day - push him, kick him in the butt, do whatever you have to - get him involved with his daughter again. She really needs him.

With the relationship you've had with her I think even getting a chance to talk with her about her family issues would be a challenge. I think rather you should have a discussion with your husband - an hour away is nothing!! I'd say challenge him to make the move for a better relationship and ensure at least a monthly father/daughter 'date' - lunch/dinner/whatever.

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I was thinking about this while on my lunch break - I WORK and hour away from home - and I manage to make it there and back 5 days per week.......I'd hope a child is more important.

Thank you all for the posts. The most helplful was from NY Metro Mom! (I will definitely get that book!) I failed to mention that my husband does call/text her weekly, however, she ignores the attempts he makes most of the time. He doesn't have her facebook info because she blocks him from it! He also now has a 2 hour commute back and forth to work, so during the week it would be very difficult to see her unless it were late evenings, which is unlikely when he has to get up at 5:30am. She is welcome to stay in our home, but, why would she choose to share a bedroom with her 6 yr old sister and 14 year old stepsister? My stepson also lives with us. I also didn't mention that she has stayed with us in the past and caused total chaos in the home. She admitted that she was determined to break up her father and me; And she refused to do anything I asked her to do, saying "You're not my mom!". At her mother's home she has her own room and NO rules to follow! According to her, her mom doesn't make her do any chores. In our home, everyone is expected to chip in. I don't forsee her wanting to stay with us again, when she's on easy street with her mom. I do believe that my husband needs to visit her regularly and spend more one on one time with her. I will tell him to not give up on her and let her know that she is loved unconditionally no matter how much she messes up. I have faith that there is still hope!