I Need Advice on Putting My 11 1/2 Month Old Daughter to Sleep in Her Crib!!!

Hi Lisa - I know how you feel. When our son was colicky and for the first 2 months of his life, he barely took naps or barely sleep much during the night. About one month before I was to return to work, I started to panic. I was terried of what his days would be like at daycare and was afraid for what was to be in store for his providers. We ended up hiring a sleep consultant. Looking back, I don't think it was absolutely necessary for us to hire one. But being first time parents, it was reassuring to have someone close by advising us that we were doing the right thing.

It boils down to giving her tough love - making her sleep in her crib for all her naps and during the night. It will be tough - it's not easy hearing your baby cry hysterically on and off for 2-4 hours. By day 4 - our son started taking 2-3 naps a day and slept 12 hours a night!

Start off by letting her cry for 1/2 hour straight. It must be for the whole 1/2 hour. If she stops a bit, the clock starts over. If she does cry for the whole time, go in her room to see her, lay her back down (don't pick her up) and leave the room. This time, she needs to cry for one hour straight. For every time you have to go in, the next time, the clock is set for a longer time period in which she needs to cry straight through.

I KNOW how hard this is to do . . . while our son cried, I cried right along with him =(. BUT she will stop eventually and will learn to fall asleep on her own.

Hope that helps. Good Luck!

I agree with the previous poster. Tough Love. I am a new mom and my son is only 2 months old, so I have not expereicned this yet. However, you do need to take control. I would give yourself a week of teaching your daughter that the crib is her sleeping area. Don't go to any playdates or events that week. Only put toys in her "play crib" not her sleeping crib if you want her to distinguish between the two.

Hi L.,

It's good that you are doing something about this now, because I think it will just get harder as your daughter gets older. My daughter is 13months old and has been sleeping in her own crib/room since she has been 3months old. I realize people have different opinions about the benefits/disadvantages of co-sleeping which I respect -- we just always preferred not to have our baby sleep with us. Regardless, she's a great sleeper - sleeps 12 hours at night and takes 2 naps per day. She's a very happy, easy going baby and I believe it's because she is well rested. I researched the hell out of the whole "sleep" thing, because I myself love to sleep and it was very important to make sure our baby was a good sleeper for reasons that would benefit her as well as my own selfish reasons :-). A couple of books I used that were helpful were "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth; "The Sleep Easy Solution" by Jennifer Waldburger/Jill Spivack; and "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber. They all talk about various methods and I used a combo of different things that I learned from the books that fit well into what my husband and I felt comfortable with doing. The book I like best is the "Sleep Easy Solution". It will definitely be hard for awhile, but stick with it as it will be totally worth it in the end. Good luck.

Dear L.,
It is very hard to be a single mother. You are "on" 24/7 with no relief. I am the mom of 7 form 13 to 6 months. When it comes to sleep issues I have some experience. The only kids I had trouble with were those with health issues. Those I had to indulge a little. However, all my children were given a routine from day one. I fed them and gave them their nap at the same time of day every day. This created stability for them. In this routine I include playpen time. I would put them in with toys for 15 minutes, when they got happy with that time, I increased it to 30 and so forth until they played for an hour twice a day. It allowed me time to do things. It also taught them that I may leave the room for awhile, but I always come back. It built their trust and securtity. It is not too late for you to start. It will be hard the first few days, but as one mom said you are the parent and in charge, not her. You will be teaching your child that she is to have self control. She is too little to make the decisions now, that is why she has you. I know others disagreed with me, but I sleep all night. My kids are well adjusted and temper tanturms are stopped in their tracks. They don't get what they want that way, only through good manners, even at 1 they say please and thank you in sign language. I would recommend the book On Becoming Baby Wise by GAry and Anne Marie Ezzo. It will help you put structure in your lives and daycare won't be so hard. God Bless.
Stac

Hi L.,
You are going to have to practice some tough L.. Right now she is controlling you and you need to take back the control. YOU are the parent and as my daughter says "the Boss". Of course she is going to scream and yell. That is called a tantrum. My niece is exactly the same and now she is 8 years old and controls both her parents. They are divorced and my niece has run off more than one really nice girl my brother has dated. To be honest, she is a spoiled little brat who has no friends and is unpleasant to be around. PLEASE don't do this to your child. If you think it is difficult at 1 year, wait until she is a teenager. It is up to you to set the rules and boundaries and stick with them. She will have a rude awakening in daycare if you go back to work, not to mention what the daycare provider will have to deal with. This is one of MANY battles you and your daughter will have. My advice is to go cold turkey and put her in her crib. Let her throw a fit, if you aren't around to watch she will eventually stop. If she climbs out of her crib, buy a crib tent. It won't be easy but children need boundaries and rules. As far as the hell that a daycare provider will face, you may find yourself getting kicked out because your daughter's behavior will disrupt the other children. Sorry this seems harsh, but YOU are the one who created this problem, not your daughter. Feel free to email me if you need support or if you want to yell at me.:)
L.

PS After getting a very judgemental email that was SO far off base I felt the need to clarify what I mean by tough L.. I'm NOT suggesting you ignore her or punish her, what I'm suggesting is you make a list of the things you feel need to change and slowly with plenty of reassurance implement new boundaries. There are many different ways to teach a child to sleep on their own, not just crying it out. I personally didn't need to use the CIO method as I started sleep training my daughter from the beginning and made sure she never became overtired. I still think it is ridiculous that you are unable put her down to shower or use the bathroom. I never used a playpen, just made sure our house was babyproofed and let Paige play on a blanket on the floor. Your daughter may feel like the playpen is a "prison" and wants more freedom. I have also NEVER used our crib/pack&play for anything but sleep. Never as punishment/timeouts and my daughter LOVES her crib! My idea of tough L. is doing what is best for your child, even if it's something she doesn't want to do. Good luck!

Dear L.,

You may be relieved to hear that there is no reason to resort to ignoring your baby, letting your baby cry, etc.

Separation anxiety ramps up around 12 months. This is not about tantrums. This is not about your baby controlling you.
This is a developmental fact about babies. All ignoring your crying baby does is teach her that she can't trust you, that she is not important, and her anxiety INCREASES. I have no idea why anyone thinks that ignoring a baby crying would help a baby feel happy, calm, or secure.

Elizabeth Pantley, mother of four and a parent educator, writes "The No-Cry Sleep Solution". Easy to read. It works.
Do yourself a huge favor and get a copy. You won't need to listen in agony as your baby cries. Babies are extremely helpless, vulnerable, dependent people. They are not capable of rational thinking. They can't walk, they can't talk. They can't meet a single need on their own. They are completely dependent on us to care for them in a loving way. When babies cry, they are signaling, IN THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN, that they need help of some kind. My job as a mom is to REPSOND, not ignore.

My baby sleeps in her crib, sleeps in my bed, falls asleep in many different ways. She plays in her crib when I am in the shower. Sometimes she plays in the bathroom while I am in the shower. My daughter is 13 months. I try to include her in what I need to do. She hands me the laundry that needs to go in the washer now! It is completely normal for a baby this age to hate being confined (as in a playpen). They want to crawl, walk and explore. It is not a conscious choice by the baby. It is developmental once again. It's called motor development. Instead of a playpen, my living room is babyproofed so she can cruise around without me hovering right next to her. We're both happy. It gets claustrophobic sometimes, but this is a developmental stage that will pass. Before I know it, she will be growing up and not worshipping me anymore like she is now.

ELizabeth's website is www.pantley.com Her personal e-mail is ____@____.com Please e-mail her with questions....she will write you back.

My heart broke and my blood ran cold when I read the other responses. There is no reason, or need, or excuse, to act like that toward a baby. There are many solutions which involve love, kindness, and compassion rather than abandoning
the baby.

I am a psych major, 44 years old. I went to UC Santa Barbara. My blood ran cold and I felt sick when I read the response from the person about setting the timer, and re-setting it when baby cries. Believe me when I say that poor baby has no idea what on earth is going on. Please do not do that to your baby.

I hear the desperation in your e-mail. I have been there too. I did not need to ignore or abandon my baby to help her. Please get Elizabeth's book or e-mail her right away.

Let me know how it goes.

XXXOOO

L. M.
Novato

Hello L.,

I am really glad that you got the advice right below from Leslie. She has a lot of really great support for you.

What I want to say is that you should never do something as a parent that feels wrong in your heart. People told me to let my baby cry for long amounts of time and I could not do it because it felt abusive.

I think that there are many things in our children's lives that we DO NOT GET TO CONTROL. We do not get to decide when they will speak or run or use the potty, and likewise, we do not get to decide when they will do things for themselves, like sleep alone in their cribs.

There are many things we CAN do to make our children feel loved and supported and those things will help encourage them to be independent and self-sufficent much more effectivley than abandonment will. Being there for your child gives them support and self confidence, enabling them to make smart and responsible decisons for themselves when they are older.

My son had colic for the first 3 moths of his life. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, but I stayed true to myself and I never left my baby alone to cry. I am the person who decided to get PG and be a mom. That means that my job and responsibilty is to dedicate myself to his needs. He did not NEED to be left alone. He needed comfort and love.

We had serious sleep issues until he was 13 months, at which time I followed a lot of the advice in the "No Cry..." book and ever since he has been an amazing sleeper. He actually asks to go to bed when he is tried! Everyone is always amazed by this. I can't say that he is ALWAYS happy to go to bed, but it is not really and issue anymore at all and he sleeps about 2-3 hours for a nap everyday and he sleeps 12 hours a night. He is 2 1/2.

When my son is upset, no matter what they reason is, I pick him up and hug him and I ask him what is wrong. He may say "You won't give me any candy!" and I'll say, "I know that makes you angry , huh?" and he says "Yes" and I tell him it is ok to be mad, and that I am there to help comfort him.

This is what all of us want when we are upset; validation, love, support and someone who will listen to us. This is what makes it all better.

Please listen to Leslie and read the "No Cry..." book and do not sacrifice what you feel is right in your heart just because someone says that they did it or they think it is ok. You have to do what you are comfortable with. There is another way!

Good luck to you!

Hi L.,
I am going through the same exact thing with my 11 month old son now and I felt sick reading the "tough love" responses that you recieved. I know your exhausted and it seems there is no end in sight. I assure you it does get easier. I have a 3 year old who was a terrible sleeper also but with a lot love, assurance, and persistence he decided he was okay with sleeping in his own crib shortly after he turned one year. It may not happen that easily for you but remember that they are only little babies for such a short time and it can't last forever. At this age crying is their only means of communicating. When your baby cry's really hard it's not a tantrum. It's desperation. Good luck!