I Know I've Been Asking for a Lot of Advice Lately

Let go of the need to be right or to say the other person is wrong. Say it's just not working for me right now and stop trying to communicate. You don't need to tell your Dad that you're unfriending him. As you learned doing so created more drama.

Deal with your feelings with yourself. Talk with friends, not other relatives. And get into counseling. You have a whole lot emotional turmoil going on in regards to your family. Let them go and work only on yourself, finding ways to feel better without needing to be connected to them.

When you tell them you're cutting them off you're still maintaining contact. It's negative to be sure and we know that negative attention seems better than no attention at all. Focus on your immediate family. How wonderful that your daughter crawled. Don't let your Dad and sister take away your happiness over your daughter. You're giving them too much power. Take care of yourself.

Reading up on co-dependency may help you put all this in perspective. My first therapist gave me a book to read on it by Gay Hendricks and it helped me tremendously. It did take many months and even years to work it all out but I'm so much happier now.

Of course you're needy. You need to feel loved by your Dad and sister. You are having to accept that they're not able to love you in the way you need them to. It's time to mourn. You've lost the fantasy that they'll do right by you. They just aren't able to do what you need so you have to find other ways to feel loved.

Later: I suggest that you talk with your doctor about getting started on an anti-depressant to help you get past the immediate pain. This will help you get started in crafting a way to get past this first stage of emotions.

Well, just because members of your family say you're wrong doesn't mean that you are wrong. It does mean that misery loves company. Your sister wants you to accept his "crumbs" because she does.

Look, family members are going to be "wrong" about a lot of things. We try to give family members a "pass" as much as possible BECAUSE they are family. But sometimes it just isn't healthy to, L.. There's a lady on here whose 26 year old brother-in-law was living with her and her husband, not paying rent he was supposed to be paying, tearing up her house, being an absolute PIG, and not keeping jobs. His attitude was defiant that he was not responsible for the damages he was doing to her home and that he shouldn't have to do ANYTHING, including keeping his own space livable. When asked to sign an agreement to pay $250 a month, keep his space clean and treat them with respect, or move out, he treated them terribly and moved out. His family is upset that the brother and his wife "made" him move. Does this mean that the woman and her husband are wrong? NO. The freeloader is wrong.

If the freeloader's family wants to accept this about him, it's their business. If your sister and some of them want to accept your father, it's their business too. However, you don't have to.

Here's my advise. Refuse to talk about him to your family. When they start to fuss at you, say to them "I don't want to hear it." SHUT DOWN the conversation from the get-go. Why does your sister even know that you defriended him? Did you tell her? Did HE tell her? Did you tell HIM? What is really happening is that he wants all the benefits of knowing all about you. He wants you to accept that he is holding his thumb down on you at the same time - withholding information from you, to show you that you aren't worthy of being a real part of him. It's a control issue.

I don't think that you should cut off your whole family. I do think that you should ignore their entreaties to roll over for your dad. You DO need to stop rolling over. Instead, give him a taste of his own medicine by ignoring the whole issue of "dad" and go about your life without worrying about him. Don't avoid him, but don't go out of your way to be around him.

Sometimes we have to stop being a doormat to people, L.. Your sister is trying to make you her doormat too, by demanding that you do what SHE wants in regards to your father. Don't let her. If she persists in discussing your "problem" with your dad, just say you have to go, and cut her off without having any more conversation about it. Don't argue with her. That's what she wants. Change the conversation without apology. If she keeps coming around to it, just say "Gotta go, sis. Have a good day" and get off the phone or walk out the door. If you do this ENOUGH, she will stop trying.

Right now, you and your father's relationship is everybody else's business. WHY? Around your family, you need to zip it where your father is concerned. It's not their business what your relationship problems with him are. They already know how you feel. You shouldn't talk about it anymore.

Once you have "risen above the fray" and time goes by, your father might change toward you. And if he doesn't, you have lost NOTHING because it wasn't there anyway.

Please do this rather than being depressed.

Good luck,
Dawn

There are big churches who have Christian counselors on staff that can help you for a fraction of the cost. Call around and see if they can fit you in.
There are counseling centers that do sliding scale.

I know the ladies here don't mind helping you I just wish you had someone in the flesh that can help you!

You are certainly not the only one on here that have had to let family go.
It's a process. It takes time to first realize that they are toxic to you and then to detangle yourself, then to focus positively on your healing and growth past the hurt. When they do things like give you the silent treatment, treat it as the gift it is! Go to the library and get some books on toxic families or some of dr Phil's books. You have to get past this swamp of feelings to find the bigger, better world there is for you out there! Sometimes it's one step forward and two back but then it will get better.
Keep asking for help.
Call for counseling.
Go to the library.
Get off Facebook.
There. Your marching orders.

Let go of YOUR anger. Believe me, it is the first step to a better life. I myself have given up on my entire family recently. And the ladies here were quite helpful with how to deal with it.

As for your dad and sister, just let it go. I know, easier said than done. Here's my advice: grab a journal, or just open up a new doc in word. Write out EVERYTHING you want to say to your dad. Everything. Don't hold out on yourself. Then reread it. Will anything written produce a better relationship? If not, it's not worth saying. It's likely that you are fighting a losing battle here. You want your dad to love you and be a part of your life. But that's not your choice to make. It's his. And since you can only control yourself, you must let it all go.

If something doesn't help you or make you happy, then it simply isn't worth it.

And my last word of advice is to get off Fb. No one is real on there anyway. They post what they want people to know, and it's not necessarily the truth.

Good luck.

I wish your sister would not have "went off on" you. That wasn't fair. However, it does sound like you are holding onto a lot of anger. I hope you will forgive your sister, and maybe someday your father too. You do sound up and down, and maybe a little needy. Please consider seeking counseling to work through your issues. Once you do that you might just feel more confident about your decisions and feel less hurt, less depressed, and may be able to work out a relationship with your father. Although it may never be what you would like, it may feel okay.

You might have to un-friend your sister, too.
The way I see it is - Your Baby Crawled for the First Time!
This is your life and your joy!
Anyone who's going to take away from that with drama and pointless posturing just isn't worth it.
When you are married and have kids, your siblings and parents take a step back in the ranking - they are not your immediate closest circle of family anymore - so they are not your whole family.
Your husband and your kids are your top priority.

L.,

I don't have a lot to add, other than to reiterate what was previously said: a dysfunctional family dynamic isn't usually isolated to one or two people.

I like the advice that many posters have given. Just for a little added support, I too have had the experience of having to cut a parent out of my life for the sake of my own self and my well-being. (I was also the ostracized, 'wrong' one.) There was some fallout, however, I'm eleven years past that now and have made my peace with the fact that I took some serious losses when I decided to stop playing the game. And I do still vividly remember the grief, the loss, the 'crying until I think I'm going to puke', the sensation of part of myself dying.

I also can tell you now that through support of a couple steadfast friends and counseling I'm in a 1000% (yes, thousand!) better place. A lot of good changes took place once I began taking care of myself. The hurt *isn't* present most of the time and I have a great life with a husband and son I would never have dreamed I'd have been able to have. What's more of a blessing is that my son doesn't have to deal with the emotional turbulence of having a mom who was less-than in her own parent's eyes AND he doesn't have to deal with a severely unhealthy grandparent.

All that to say, there is hope on the other side of all this and while it does suck--horribly-- right now, I've been there and lived through that dark time. It DOES get better!
Hugs. and have faith in yourself. It's an investment that pays off in an unexpected, joyful abundance. :)

Just love them from a distance and keep enjoying your baby's firsts. When its time (if there is a time), fences will be mended. In the meantime, just love from a distance, pray and keep positive about what IS positive in your life.

Blessings...

There are some great books about Boundaries and Codependence. These will help you to be okay with setting boundaries with others. It will guide you in how to express yourself in a way that is assertive & respectful at the same time. It will also help you to be okay with not taking responsibility for the feelings & behavior of others.

Hi L. - Really consider counseling as it may help all your situations about your Dad, daughter and any thing else happening in your life.

You need to be happy and do not need any negativity in your life. The world is already full of enough negatives and all anybody really needs is to try and be as happy as they can be. If that means cutting off your Dad who seems to be a negative (unfortunately) then so be it!

Good luck and post away if it helps get others perspective on things.