I Just Want to Be Happy Again.... Extremely Long...
Updated on
August 03, 2010
M.L.
asks from
Cleveland, TX
9
answers
I try so, so hard to be happy. I just wonder if it is normal to get in a "funk" for a long time, and, not be able to get out, or, take a while to get out. I love my family, and, I love my kids. Recently, I've related to some of the posts that have been posted, and, felt like I could have wrote them myself.
My husband and I have been having problems, and, I think they are caused by the stress in our lives. We own two businesses. We are always working. If I'm not working at the office while the kids are at the sitter's, I'm working from home. If we are not working, we are squeezing in family time. We know how important it is to have family time, so, we do make sure to spend as much time with the kids as we can. The main problem is, my husband feels like I am not "contributing" to the household. He feels since he "put his finances" on the line to invest in starting the business, that he is the only one contributing to the household. Not only do I work my butt off for the business, but, I run the household myself. Sure, the "paycheck" is made out to him for our family's costs, but, I work just as hard and have just as much heart invested in the companies. I come home and take care of the kids by myself. When I work from home, I am taking care of the kids myself. I cook dinner, delegate chores, make sure the the dishes are done, do the laundry, do the cleaning (while delegating what I can to the kids), everything except mow the lawn. Our daughter usually mows the lawn with daddy on the weekends. I ask nothing from him when it comes to the house, because since I have known him, I knew that he felt the "outside" stuff was for the man, and, the "inside" stuff was for the woman. And honestly, that's fine with me. We live in the country, so, I really don't want to be in charge of the outside chores. But, when I met him, I didn't know we would be starting two businesses and I would be raising the kids on my own. I tell him all the time I feel like a single mom whose kids' dad comes around only for the fun stuff. He doesn't understand where I am coming from.
I have not had it easy while at home. I had a very hard pregnancy with my last pregnancy. I ended up with HG and was very sick throughout the whole pregnancy. I also ended up with Gestational Diabetes in the end, and, since I was already in a "delicate" state, my doctor put me on modified bed rest. My other two kids stepped up as much as they could, but, daddy did not feel the need to help at all with the house. We got so far behind on chores and cleaning house, that I am still suffering when it comes to organizing things. My house is a disaster most days, and, I have been working on decluttering for months (when I have time), that I feel very over-whelmed when I do work on the house that I get discouraged easily and see no end in sight.
When it comes to the kids, he loves his kids and is very involved in their lives when they have activities going on, but, he doesn't feel like he needs to help with disciplining them because "mom does such a good job" with them. Well, my kids are starting to act out. They are driving me crazy. Some days I feel like I don't even like them and I spend most days yelling at them than having quality time with them. My oldest at 10 is usually a good kid, but, here recently is doing things to get attention. I feel like I give her a lot of attention, but, I guess it is not enough. I feel like she is regressing in age instead of getting more mature. She is picking fights with her younger sister who is 6, letting her toddler brother who is 18 months tear things up when she tells me she will help me watch him. (I don't usually ask for too much help with the toddler unless I am taking a shower or cooking dinner. I don't feel it her place to be his built-in babysitter as she is only a kid herself.) She did not do as good in school this year as she usually does, and, is just plain not paying attention to things and not making smart choices. My 6 year old is a brat. I hate saying that, but, she talks horribly to me. I could take her whole room away, sit her in time-out all day, and, all she will do is scream at me. My toddler is about the only sweet one left. I don't want him picking up on the bad behaviors from his older sisters! He does help M. pick up already, and, for the most part is developing quite well.
I'm so worried about this upcoming school year. My kids are in a lot of activities. I will be starting a part-time job in the evening twice a week, and, it will be when my middle child is in an activity. Daddy says he will handle our oldest child's activities, so, that only leaves our toddler that will need to be looked after twice a week. I just worry that daddy will not step up. He has a bad habit of not following through with what he says he will do to help us out when it comes to the kids, (though he will want to be there for the "fun" parts). That is also two nights a week I will not be home early to tend to the house. He is already griping when I don't get the clothes folded every night. I am usually rotating clothes while the younger two are in the bath together, and, that is also when I clean up from my youngest eating. If I have time, I usually try to fold clothes before going to bed. But, I also know how important it is to have "M. and daddy time" in the evening and a healthy sexual relationship. So, I do commit time for that every night. I am very good about making sure he has his "man time" to do his activities. I don't get "me time" and only recently started to complain about that. I'm EXHAUSTED and I'm not happy. I think I deserve some me time. My question is, has anyone ever been in a similar situation and were you able to turn it around. I know that me not being happy will eventually take a toll on my family, and, I am so scared that is going to happen. My husband and I arguing is also not good. But, I am tired of being told everything I "don't do" without him noticing what all is on my plate that I am taking care of. If I even think of sitting down, (which is maybe 30 to 45 minutes a day), then I am being lazy. I never question him relaxing, why don't I deserve to relax a little too? As I tell him, I am HIS permanent baby-sitter, and, I am tired of being taken advantage of. He tells me to just go on down the road then. Then, when I get serious about leaving, he tells me he doesn't want me to go. I don't know what to do, but, I do know I am emotionally drained and wonder if it is worth it to try to fix the problems. I know this is long, if you read it all, I do appreciate it. :)
Dear MommyL, I am your soul sister! I will try to be brief and help if I can. My step dtr is moderately retarded and is 14. My daughter is 10 and son is 7. So your oldest one's are about the same age as my 2. My hubby and I also work full time outside the home. I own an insurance agency and he owns his own insurance agency. So not only do we have all of the house expenses, we have our business expenses as well and all the responsibility that comes with both. We also have ex's that figure into the picture with the kids too. So girl, I know what you are going thru. Here are a couple things that helped us.
1. I MAJORLY decluttered the house. Even the kids rooms have been cut down more than half. And the funny thing is, we do it the weekends they are with their other parent and they don't even know the stuff is gone. I know it's overwhelming and it puts you in shut down mode, I'm the same way. But what helped me was I would just pick a drawer, shelf, area and say, this is all I'm going to do. It would take just a few minutes. Now my entire house except for our room and the garage is done. I feel so much better.
2. Instead of taking things away from the kids, PRAISE them for what they do right. I know sometimes it seems like it never happens but even if they throw away something say "oh my gosh, that's so great that you threw that away by yourself! Thanks for helping keep the house clean!!!". We also have started to give the kids $1 for each day they do something that needed improvement. For example, my son is a whinner and sometimes says things that isn't nice. So if he goes the whole day being nice and not whinning, he gets a dollar. My 10 yo is terrible with her room so every day she keeps it clean, she gets $1. It has taken some time but now that they know they can spend it and get something, we are hoping it becomes a habit.
3. Tell hubby that you can't work the business and the home. It's simply too much. Give him the option to hire help for the biz so you can be home full time, OR hire a housecleaner so you can work the business. You simply can't do it all.
4. Sit down with hubby and tell him how you feel. You love him and the kids and being business owners but you want to be successful at ALL of it and you need his help to figure out how to do that. My husband makes a 6 figure income but still does way more with the house, kids and yard than anyone else I know. So ask him for his suggestions and see what he comes up with. He may surprise you!
5. Don't feel like the house has to be in perfect order and clean. Mine is definately not. But I would not be embarrassed if someone stopped by. Being decluttered has really helped that. Its easier to put things away when there is actually a place to put it!
There are not many like us out there. We don't know month to month how much we will make. Some months we have more than enough to pay everything, some months we are very, very short. Don't feel guilty about the decisions you have made. I completely understand. I have to run and take my 14 yo to her therapy. Contact me if you ever need to chat or someone to listen!
Best wishes, F.
###-###-####
____@____.com
6 moms found this helpful
Report This
L.M.
answers from
Norfolk
on
The first thing that strikes me is your husband invites you to leave when you complain, but when you actually start to follow through with that, he tells you he doesn't want that. That alone tells me he is a manipulative egomaniac with no respect for you. I say you need to demand respect from him and keep in mind for yourself that if you do not get it, the example being set for your children (especially your daughters) will be devastating.
Ask him, point blank, if he is interesting in making this a successful marriage and partnership. If he answers yes, then sit down and develop a prospectus as to how that can be accomplished. (If he's just started a couple of businesses, he should be familiar with the concept.) Approach each other as potential investors/partners in a new enterprise and work out acceptable perameters for the both of you. He may laugh and think it ridiculous at first, but it maybe the best, most direct way to a breakthrough for you both. It seems to me the alternative is a breakdown and the dissolution of your marriage.
Best of luck to you.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
C.H.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
Oh, man, M. L, no wonder you're so exhausted!! I'm worn out just reading the list of everything you do every day. :-)
I second the counseling route. If you can get him to go with you, great, though I would actually encourage you to go by yourself at first, so you can get a sense of what YOU want, and what concrete changes you want from him. Counseling will also help give you the positive support you need, someone who is truly in your corner. If he will then join you, later great, if not, keep going for yourself. Couple's counseling can sometimes be tricky if one person is seriously more dominant in the relationship (as your husband seems to be), because it can be difficult for that person to accept that he/she is less than perfect and should make some changes. I think it would be great for you to go on your own first to get some support and building up.
I agree with Leslie, and take some of your together time, and ask him what he wants from the relationship, and whether he is willing to put some effort into having a strong partnership. Also ask him what you would need to do to have him feel like you are "contributing to the household". Clearly you already ARE, but what exactly is it that he expects? And, what is HE willing to do to "contribute to the household"?
Right now, he's in a pretty good spot, no? he has a worker, housecleaner, cook, babysitter, and sexual partner. I'm not surprised he doesn't want much to change, but the reality is that no one can keep up the schedule you do.
Please remember that you will be unable to take care of your family if you work yourself to death. Do as much as you can to take care of yourself.
Best of luck to you!
C.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
L.C.
answers from
Raleigh
on
Wow I do not know how you get all of those things done.....is it even humanly possible???And without support and encouragment from your husband.....wow. I am a SAHM with only 2 kids and I do not get everything done that you do during the day.And you are taking on another part time job???
What is your husband thinking???Seriously.... I would talk to him and see if he even wants to make your marriage work.
MY husband too owns his own business(just one though) and I was running a full time inhome childcare to help him out. About 2 months ago he told me to quit because he saw that it was too much for me.
Believe me we had a very rough couple years in our marriage when I thought we would not make it...Lots of fighting..... My husband had a lot of addictions(alchohol and drugs) that nobody knew about(not even me), he was very functioning addict, but it made him very selfish and selfabsorbed. It led to an emotional affair(that I too did not know about till a year later after it was done) He would say he was leaving ....weekly. It was bad........
Lots of people would tell me it was not worth it to try to fix it......
By God's grace, my husband changed when he realized that he was going to loose his family.....that's what it took for him.........
We did not do any counseling......it was God's amazing Grace that did it for us(we are Christ followers).....on it we live one day at a time. It has been 7 months. Our marriage is the best it has ever been, all the suffering made us stronger.
If your husband is willing to put in some "work", your marriage can be saved. But he has to be willing.........
And the kids are acting out for the very same reason........they see the fighting, the chaos, the unhappiness.
Check out these books if you get a second
http://www.amazon.com/One-Must-Crazy-Pretty-Sure/dp/08024... http://www.amazon.com/Fight-Fair-Winning-Conflict-without... They are wonderful!!!!!!!!!!
MY prayers are with you ((((((hugs)))))))))
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
N.B.
answers from
Toledo
on
First, get some steel in your spine and deal with your husband. The chores are not inside vs. outside. Partners work until everything is done, one doesn't sit down and relax while the other works half the night and still doesn't get it all done,all the while being belittled. Make a list of all the chores--inside and out--and assign responsibility to someone. You can divide the list evenly, and let him pick which half he wants. If he doesn't want to do that (and realistically, why would he when it means more work for him?), then hire someone! As long as you act like you don't deserve any better, you will be right. He has you bullied almost to the point of rebellion, but not quite. You're asking us if you should be treated like this, and you know what we're going to say because you are being treated like a slave. If Mr. Man wants to be around for the "fun" times, he needs to pull his weight. Otherwise, Momma may not be in the mood for "fun"!! Men don't understand that the most romantic thing they can do to get us in the mood for love is HELP OUT!!
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
A.B.
answers from
New York
on
Wow, I too am exhausted reading all you do. I can also see why you are so frustrated. Your husband has the mentality that he brings home the bacon and you need to cook it, feed it to him and clean up after him for the honor of the bacon. That's a lot of men who feel that way. Also you helping in both businesses is contributing financially to the family becasue you are helping him make the businesses successful, what if you didn't help, would he have to hire and PAY someone to do it? I suggest you hand him a piece of paper tell him to list all he does in the day and you will do te same. Then compare sheets. I'm gonna bet you'll have a bigger list. You have to tell him it is too much, and now you are going to take on a PT job and depend on him to care for house and kids? You need to nail that down and maybe write a contract of responsibilities for both of you and sign it. I know it sounds odd to do that but tell him it's easier for both of you if all the responsibilities are broken down and recorded. That you even make time for him every night for 'couple' time and he still doesn't think you are doing equal to him. Let him juggle the household, 3 kids and two businesses and see how romantic he feels every night. I'm sorry for your predicament I hope you can get through to him.
Report This
D.F.
answers from
St. Louis
on
Give this letter to your Hubby tell it's time to split everything 50/50 as far as the household chores and kids go. You didn't create them alon you shouldn't have to raise them alone. There's a saying: If you slept in it make it up. If you ate off of it wash it. If you wore it pick it up. If you played with it put it away. This goes on and on but you get the idea. This rule should apply to everyone in your home over the age of 3. Your girls are old enough for chores, however please don't make taking care of the little ones one of the chores thats yours and hubbys job. Set aside one evening for just family time (no homework, sports, tv ect. ) just playing games with the kids and being silly. Then set aside 2 nights out of the month for Date night (NO kids) if he dosn't want to take part in these nights then maybe its time to ask him straight up just want he wants out of your family life. If he can't or won't help you out with everything thats on your plate just apply the old adage TURN AROUND IS FAIR PLAY and start acting like him. He probably won't like looking in a mirror. I've been down this very Road with my kids and husband about 15 years ago I did all these things and I can say I've been Happy since I did this (at the advice of my MIL) and it worked!!! : )
Report This
S.S.
answers from
Cincinnati
on
I'm sorry I dont have any advice for you but I do want to weigh in my opinion on some things. First it really sounds like he doesnt reliese all you do. I read some of the other comments and I am all for making a list of things you guys do and comparing them. As for the chores I think they should be spilt up evenly. My husband is the only one in our house with a paying job, but he reconizes the fact that being a SAHM is a job too. So he is willing to help around the house. He does all the dishes (the one chore I cant stand, seriously I would rather clean the bathroom than do the dishes!) and he does his own laundry. On the outside he mows the lawn, but I handle all the gardening. he gets two days off a week, one day we run errands and scheadule appointments. the other day is family day, he lets me sleep in and gets up with the baby and then we spend the day out of the house. Maybe you guys need a family day. I know your scheadule is hectic but it really helps to get out of the house and do something as a family once in a while, and you know what I also think that once in a while you should give him the toddler and tell everyone that "this is M.'s time to herself" and take a hot bath or go for a walk or something. getting away for just an hour does a lot of good! Also maybe you should take some time out away for you and your husband. I dont mean every night. I mean one night away to work things out. I remember when I was about 5 my parents had this awful fight. I remember hearing things break and my mom crying. They took me brother and me to my grandparents for the night so they could talk things out, I guess it helped because they have been happily married for almost 26yrs now.
Report This
A.L.
answers from
Washington DC
on
It sounds to me like you need counseling. I've never done it myself but I think you need an unbiased perspective on your roles and who is doing what. You feel overwhelmed; he probably does too (but I only got your side of it). As a woman I'm inclined to side with you (you make time for sex every night but he complains about unfolded clothes - SERIOUSLY??!!!).
I don't think you should serioulsy consider ending your marriage until you have explored all avenues possible to fix it. Would your life really be better if you left? Or just take on a whole new degree of stress?
Your husband doesn't sound like a monster; just like most guys that are a little clueless about how much their wives do for them. Counseling might give him a little bit of perspective on that.
