I Just Need a Friend

Maybe it is mostly mama in hospice that has you down. It also sucks when the kiddo's are bullied. Most husbands don't do so well talking about feelings, mine too.

I find that my hubby doesn't know how to talk about feelings and most of the time when he does, he screws up. He just says something kind of dumb and makes me mad. When I think about it today, it makes me chuckle, but it's not so funny at the time. My mom laughs at my husband woes. She knows I love him, but totally understands my frustrations. As well, she knows he is a great guy, but knows the trouble he gets into.

I hope today was a better day for you and tomorrow finds you with a smile.

aw, baby. sometimes it's just freakin' hard, and you're in a hard spot.
i'm sorry.
any one of these can be big stressors, but the one that jumps out at me most is your mom. of all the hard things in my life, that situation for me was one of the hardest.
i know you need a soft place to land, and someone to let you pour it out. i'm so sorry your husband isn't that place for you (and if he's actually cold and unreceptive, you'll need to address that. lots of people aren't talkers and sharers, but you shouldn't be feeling this desperate and have your lover and partner so unavailable to you.)
it's a sad conundrum that often when we're most desperate to make contact, that very desperation drives people off. and that creates more sadness, and need to share, and it's a hard cycle to break.
you talk about your family, and your tough work situation. what about friends? you don't always need a boon companion, even a casual nice friendship can make a world of difference sometimes. i think the trick is to make sure you a) don't overshare (which you know you're prone to do, vis a vis your work post) and b) keep your expectations real. it's really okay to call someone who is on the light end of the friendship spectrum and say 'i'm in such a funk. can i buy you a super fancy latte and a doughnut and bend your ear for an hour? i need some perspective!'
and don't get discouraged if it takes a couple of phone calls to find someone with the time and inclination.
when you get her (or him), do take advantage of the opportunity to vent, but also keep the reins on it and don't just howl for the whole hour, or throw yourself on her and ask her to fix it all. start off with 'i know this is all a big ball of suck, but i'm feeling unheard these days and just need to get it out. you are such a dollface for letting me.'
and once you've let the air out of your tension balloon, remember the person you're with. ask her about HER. get her to tell you a story about something she's coped with successfully. tell her how adorable her baby looks, and how cute her earrings are. make sure you're BEING a friend, not just needing a friend, KWIM?
and then i think you need to something that you're going to insist you can't, and that's find some time to do something away from work and home and your own problems. volunteer at a animal shelter, a soup kitchen or a retirement home. when we get stuck spiraling around in our own problems we lose sight of the big picture. that's not a slam at you. we all do it. but sometimes it takes forcing us out of our own heads for the penny to drop that it is, to a large degree, in our own heads.
good luck, sweetie.
khairete
S.

It sounds like you may have unrealistic expectations of people and those can get us into trouble. If you have a loving family and you still feel alone or misunderstood, then it might be time to talk to someone. There is this stigma about reaching out for help - but it's an act of self love. You may have a little bit of depression going on.

If you find people have been tuning you out, that's kind of a sign. And husbands are not always the best at listening to feelings. Mine would rather run the other way. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me. They just sometimes looked pained when we say "I'm not happy.". They like to fix things. But they don't always know how. Then they feel like they are letting you down. And they can't fix what's wrong inside you anyhow.

You might be going through some depression because of your mom's situation. I'm sorry to hear she's in hospice. That is very rough. Starting a new job .. being a mom, the kidfs being bullied - it's all hard. You need to look after yourself first, then dealing with what life throws you will be easier. Is there something you enjoy doing? Maybe take a class? exercise, walk, write in a journal, go out on a date with your husband (just for fun, no talking about emotions) ... and I would strongly suggest looking into finding a therapist. Just got for one session and see how you like it.

You remind me a bit of Zara - a lady who was writing in about her work experience, family and husband. Kind of similar as to feeling let down by her mentor, disappointed, feeling misunderstood. She got lots of good advice on here.

Sometimes the solution is within ourselves instead of thinking other people are letting us down. While you can't change people, the good news is you can change yourself. Let someone help you (therapy). Good luck :)

Many times people look to things outside to fullfill them, make them happy, make things better. Money is fleeting and people are unreliable. I have a young relative who used to make it his gfs' job to make him happy and if she didn't, he didn't know how to take control of his own emotional life. If everyone else had a GF and he did not, he thought he was worthless. He didn't know how to be himself. How to be responsible for himself. How to own his own behaviors and feelings. He was on top of the world, or in the pits of despair. He ended up in therapy finally and has since gotten into a good, stable relationship. But he had to work on himself first. Get help for his depression. My read is that you're stressed (understandably so), perhaps depressed and perhaps suffer from anxiety. I agree with those who suggest seeking outside help and support. In my limited experience with hospice workers, I've found that they are a great support for the family. Start there. Talk to them about resources for those who will be left behind.

The other thing is to think about all your situations and think what you can do and what you can't do. Do what you can, and let go of what you can't. I don't recall what you've tried regarding your marriage, your mother, or your children. School counselors can be a resource, for example, when administrators brush off concerns.

Do you do the same sorts of things with different people, and maybe they find those behaviors offputting? DH has a coworker he's come to avoid because she never just wants to chat about the weather. She wants to tell him everything that's going on in her life and he knows way more about her personal life than he ever needed or wanted. He doesn't think she's a bad person, but he doesn't want to be her daily 1 hr sounding board, either. If you are unburdening yourself with your coworkers, please stop. That's another time where a counselor is a better resource than Jane in Accounting. I really think the first step for you is to get a good counselor.

This is a great community, so come here for support when you need it. Many of the members have been here for years.

Great advice below, and I highly second the recommendation to volunteer. Volunteering has been shown to almost always improve people's happiness and outlook.

In my experience, at least, husbands are not the ones to go to with feelings. I also think that if your kids are continuing to be bullied you should consider changing schools, possibly to a smaller one. And it takes time to really become part of a work group. I think you can usually count on feeling like a bit of an outsider for the first year. That's normal.

And remember, "this too shall pass."

You got a lot of feedback on your last question, and I hope you get a lot on this one.

You definitely need to take care of yourself - you are in a brand new work situation where you kind of got off on the wrong foot, but maybe you are expecting too much socializing from a new job. The stress of a mom in hospice can be overwhelming for anyone, and more so for you with added pressures. There are caregiver/respite programs that acknowledge how hard this is on the families, not just the patients.

Your husband doesn't want to talk about these things so you are bottled up with feelings. Your kids are being bullied? You need to talk to the teachers if it's happening at school, or figure out a strategy if it's happening in the neighborhood or in a club of some sort.

You need someone who is totally focused on you and all these issues. Please please please call your doctor and ask for a referral to a counselor who accepts your insurance. You will get so much out of an hour a week, you won't believe it until it happens. It's not a quick fix but it's time for just YOU, and some good prioritizing will help you figure out how to deal with each of these other problems in the right order. Some of them may not be fixable, but having support for your feelings will make a big difference. Who knows, maybe your husband will understand how important this is if he sees you going to someone to get help. And it's a really important step for your kids to see - that you reach out for help when things seem overwhelming in life. Maybe some counseling would help them as well.

You know what the flight attendants say: "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to help anyone else around you."

We all have times when things are hard and we are feeling down. I understand how you are feeling...it's hard! Can you think of one or two women you feel like you connect with that you can get together with. Let your husband watch the kids and go meet a friend for coffee and a walk...or meet a friend for dinner...or invite over a friend for a cocktail in the evening....or to go walk the dog together (or whatever you like to do). Reach out to someone and try to schedule something. If you can't think of one friend then actively try to meet someone and get to know someone better. We all need to work on making friends at times and putting an effort into that. It helps me to brainstorm about what I love in life...what brings me joy and makes me feel like myself...and then schedule that in. Last year I took an art class one evening a week. Getting out in nature really helps me. Going to hear some live music. What makes you happy? One of my friend's just loves her book club. For another friend it is running and exercise. Another thing I do when I am feeling down is to "fake it until I make it". That sounds cheesy but I watched a TED Talk about this...your body language will actually trigger physical feelings and chemical changes in your body. So stand tall and be expansive and make yourself smile. Hold this pose for 2 minutes. I like other's suggestion about seeing a therapist. That is also a really helpful thing to do in life. We all have times where we are feeling really down and you just have to get through it and things will change and you will be happy again.

you can do this! you will get thru this. and were here to help .i can only let you know your not alone...my kids tell me they hate me regularly, hubby does not like me and is not afraid to point out my short commings. i have no real friends that i can call when things get bad, my mom is my rock and talks me off the ledge more often than i want to admit. so while i feel alone and dh is nothing but a bad word i come here to mamapedia to communicate to people who are less toxic than the one human i see in real life that is not age 5 or less.
i love this site, the mommas here are great and welcome to the bestest support system ever.

We all have lives that are filled with various difficulties.
Some peoples troubles just don't compare to others but I heard a phrase lately that intrigued me.

"Embrace the suck".
I didn't really know what it meant - so I went looking for it.
Turns out it originated (and still mainly is) a piece of military jargon.

" "Embrace the suck" isn't merely a wisecrack; it's a raw epigram based on encyclopedic experience. Face it, soldier. I've been there. This ain't easy. Now let's deal with it."

If you Google it you can find out a lot about it.
This one blog article was, well a little rough - but it's still a good read:

http://onemp.blogspot.com/2009/09/embrace-suck-as-philoso...

It's helping me mentally deal with negative people at my work.
So maybe it'll help you too.
Hang in there!

Hi!!! Having your mom in hospice must be super stressful, and I'm sure you feel helpless and maybe depressed. In that situation things that wouldn't usually bother you (husband, kids) probably seem much worse than they do under normal circumstances. I do hope your kids are not being both bullied by others, but that you meant they are bullying each other, as in normal sibling behavior? if so, it's annoying but probably normal .
Please take some time for yourself. Go to the gym, take walks, go to the spa, whatever helps clear your mind.
You're not alone in this. If you need to talk to someone, could you talk to your sister, a friend, or a therapist? There is nothing wrong with looking for help in stressful situations . Hang in there, things will start to look brighter again!! if you need help for a specific situation, provide more details and I'm sure you'll get good advice here .

Hopefully some of us will reach out to her via PM (private message) in support.

if you live near Plainfield, IL then I would like to maybe be your friend, we can stress about life together, message me if you want cause this adult stuff is not easy

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. Perhaps seeking a local church to check out, joining a book club, a lunchtime walking group or something that interests you will help you meet some people.

Hello!!!! :) :) :) :) :) !!!!!!! Hug!!!!!!

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HELLO!!!! :) :) :) :) :) !!!!!!! HUG!!!!!!

Hi new friend! I hope today is going better for you. Have a good one!