I just need some insight from people that have been through similar. I am trying hard to stay out of the family "stuff" right now. But it's hard not being drug in.
For background, my father and I are sort of estranged. It's not as bad as some. We never said anything that would close the door on any relationship. I just stayed away too much through the years. From time to time we saw each other. But we have had as close to zero relationship as you can get, minus all the family drama.
The main reason I stayed away is because my father and "his" family, stepmonster and step siblings have way too much drama, chain smoke so much I can't stand their house, and my father molested me as a child. I forgive him, but I never wanted my little girls around him.
So fast forward 20+ years. He has been bedridden for the last 3 years and he had a stroke 6 years ago. He won't wear his hearing aids or wear glasses. He isn't dying from anything new. He's just wasting away and may have the flu right now making things worse.
I called yesterday to talk to his nurses. I want to know why he is not on an IV. He is dehydrated and throwing up and it seems to me that he would be more comfortable, maybe even get better some with fluids. But, they say they are not a skilled nursing facility. So I asked why he isn't in the hospital and that's pretty much stepmonsters decision to make. In fact, the nurse wants my dad to see a specialist this week but she said she didn't know if his wife will approve it.
So I was told he has been assigned hospice. I'm thinking the doctors assigned it. But I find out from the nurse his wife requested it. Is she letting him die on purpose? Or, is she ending his struggle as humanely as she thinks she can? It doesn't seem to me that dying from dehydration is all that humane.
My brother emails me nasty last night and tells me I haven't been around so I need to "keep my place". UGH, whatever. He also tells me this weekend his daughter is pregnant and he is trying to talk her into getting an abortion. She's 20 and I have no idea why he would tell me such a thing and then DEMAND that I not talk with her and "mess with her head". I would happily take that baby off her hands and he said she is considering adoption. But that's another thing and why did he even drag me into it and then tell me to shut up?
To make this sorted tale even worse, my stepmonster is living with some guy on my dads disability/social security. I have no idea why the state has not taken that money for my dads care. He has been uninsurable for the last 20 years because of a whole list of medical problems and alcoholism. So I am sure no one else is paying for his care. His wife has not worked in 2 years AND she has moved some creepy looking dude into his house to keep as a boy toy. He hasn't worked either.
So, I can't help but think she isn't really trying to do anything wrong to my dad because her money train ends when he dies. If she really just wanted his money she would do anything and everything to keep him alive. But how am I supposed to feel to know that she has been living on his dime with her lover, not working at all and that now my dad is being denied the simple comforts that he could get in a real hospital?
Anyway, I will be going up there on the weekends in order to hopefully say goodbye in one of my dads lucid moments. It's just frustrating because he can't have any lucid moments if he is confused and disoriented from being dehydrated.
Needless to say I remember why I've stayed far away from my family all these years and part of me just wants to stop going back altogether.
My dad was actually put on hospice because they thought they were losing him. For the last 8-9 days no 2 people have agreed on many things. They haven't agreed on whether or not he wants to live or die. They haven't agreed on why he is going down hill even faster or why he almost died. And, they have not agreed on what to do or how to treat. He is not being withheld fluids. He simply can't hold anything down. He is very thirsty and he asks for water every few seconds, literally every few seconds. He say's over and over how thirsty he is. So they are having to meter out the ice chips very sparingly. But all their efforts to keep anything down have been in veigh.
This morning I was able to feed him some jello and he ate a banana. I'm still waiting to find out if he kept that in. He's much more aware and less confused than before. So he just might have a reprieve for a little bit. I hope for his sake he lives long enough to have his heart and mind right with God.
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J.H.
answers from
Kansas City
on
Dear Suzi,
I am sorry for all that your going through, but your dad would not be put on hospice unless he was dying and he didn't want any "heroic" measures taken. I have been through three family members deaths through hospice and they are extremely compassionate and helpful. Your stepmom seems to be a piece of work and I am sorry that she has so much power! Hospice does not give fluids as their stand is that your body naturally shuts down and that is just part of the process. They are just there to make the passing as easy and comfortable as possible for their patients, and the patients family. This is a very hard time for your whole family and I will keep you in my prayers.
J. H.
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K.B.
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Kansas City
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I would just distance yourself from your family. It sounds like you have different morals than they do. Our pastor was just talking about this a few Sundays ago. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves, and keep in contact with them through prayer.
I would still keep in direct contact with your dad and his caregivers, if that is what you desire. I worked with hospice when my grandmother illness turned for the worst. I moved her in with me and had to deal with all kinds of family "drama". The hospice nurses understand these types of family problems and they are great about always putting the patients needs first. They will not allow your father to be in any kind of pain or discomfort. I found they will address any concerns you may have regarding his care.
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B.C.
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Kansas City
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Suzie,sounds like my family to a T, there is really nothing you can do, but say good bye to your dad and leave it at that, I had to do that with 2 sisters 2 years ago, one was a drunk the other was a drug addicted, all they did was drain me financeuly,So take one day at a time a leave it in Gods hands, let him work it out take care and God bless. B.
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R.H.
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Kansas City
on
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your father. My mom was on hospice and as a rule with hospice care a person will not receive IV fluids. The purpose of hospice care is to keep the person comfortable and to die with dignity. If I were you I would try to contact the people at hospice and explain your concerns. They will help you understand what they do in hospice care etc. I wish you the best and sounds like you may need some help for yourself to deal with all of the terrible issues that have gone on. Hospice is great group of people that can help you deal with the issues of what is going on w/ your father. As far as your father's wife I don't know what to say about that except it's horrible. I would just focus your energy on your father and forget about her she will get what she deserves.
Take care,
R.
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J.T.
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Kansas City
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hello Suzi,
I may not be of much help, but my dad passed away a few years ago, he never molested me, but his dad did........ anyway I put myself up for adoption when I was a sophomore, because I really had no family. My dad and mother only agreed because that is what I wanted. ok anyway, I would say see as his daughter what rights you have to his care, inform them about the current situation and see what they have to say. The best advice you can get would be from the nurses and doctors and of course if you feel you need to bring in an attorney. Your dad still means
alot to you and I get that. When my dad passed away I was his guardianship. I agree to it being inhumane for him to die of thirst. Which is what he is doing, if you find out that there is nothing you can do, I would suggest going there as often as you can and at least bringing him comfort. then you will know you did do everything you could do, you will then have no regrets. I will keep you in my prayers and hope for the best.
Stay strong for your girls.
Hope this helps
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R.W.
answers from
Kansas City
on
OMG! Your situation sounds similar to mine as far as why I cut ties with my dad. But childhood aside [cause I'm past it now.I'm 51 yrs.] you really need to contact a lawyer. I know the feeling about just wanting to walk away. After what we went through as kids it would be so much easier but I feel the goodness in US won't let us. I believe something can be done because he is being medically neglected. Especially if the nurse will stand up and say something. I would not hesitate. If it is his time to go nothing will change that it is in Gods hands, but at least he could be comfortable. At one point and time I would have said let him suffer after what he did to you but I like to think I'm a better person than that and I believe you are too or you would never have wrote this letter. I hope everything works out for you.
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D.V.
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Kansas City
on
I am not sure what facility he is in, but most do want paid. They usually become payee of the person's benefits or expect the family receiving them to pay it to them. You could always request guardianship if you want to be the one that chooses what gets done. You may also be able to talk to the social worker at the facility to see if maybe someone else non-related can be his guardian. May I ask where he is placed? I don't see how they can keep him in the facility when he needs more care. I don't know much about how facilities run. I deal with some of these issues but I am a bookkeeper so I don't know the rules on things.
