when they were growing up. It seems that my wife made our son the object of mistreatment. We were married for 54 years and I never knew of this until she died. I was out of the house 12 hours a day working and she was in charge. Our son carries this mistreatment with him daily and I just found out. Our daughter does not or will not remember any of this, my son says that she was treated easier than him. They are 3 years apart, she is the older. Can you explain this problem?
Is he still traumatized by it at 51?? I'm 49 an was raised by horrible, drug addicted wolves. My younger sister was the favorite. I was the good kid, educated and kind. My parents did drugs with my sister. At 18 I was over it so we are completely estranged now. I truly feel no loss. Maybe therapy will help if he is still traumataused by it
She may not have like him. I know a man who's mother beat him badly she always resented boys but treated her daughters much better. Give him love and compassion and suggest he go to counseling pay for the counseling if he can not. There isn't much else you can do
Everyone sees life from their own unique perspective. You can have five people watch the same exact event, and come up with five different versions of what happened. Your son needs to get into therapy/counseling so he can get over this.
We are a group of strangers, V.. We cannot possibly know how to explain this problem.
If your son feels that he needs to talk to someone, he should get a grief counselor. He can talk through it with the counselor. Then if he wants you and his sister to come talk with him in his counseling sessions, you both could do that.
nope. how in the world would we know why your deceased wife did what she did.
COUNSELING for everyone!
welcome to mamapedia!!!
No. I can't explain it. I wasn't there.
I'd suggest counseling for your son. I'm sorry for your loss.
You can't change the past - but you can make the future better. Get your adult son into counseling. If you didn't see it and your daughter doesn't remember it - it's possible your son is using it as an excuse for whatever is wrong in his life. I don't know. He's an adult. Have him take charge of his life and stop living in the past - get counseling and move forward.
My sister remembers our childhood differently than I do.
She thinks she grew up in a hell hole and I think she got spoiled due to our Mom trying so hard to treat us EXACTLY the same in spite of my being 22 months older than she is.
She was picky, O.D.D (they didn't have a name for it back then), a cry baby, and incredibly destructive as a teen.
Personally I think a whole lot of therapy and meds would do her a world of good.
I can't explain it - and you're not going to get any answers that make you feel any better.
It might be true or maybe your son doesn't see things as others saw them when he was growing up.
Suffice it to say I think your wife did the best she could with what she had.
She's gone now and you have to make your peace with it.
Your kids are grieving in their own way and I think your son could use some therapy to help him deal with his feelings of resentment and his childhood.
um, no. Can you?
What an odd question. How could any of us know what happened in YOUR house if YOU don't even know?
My sisters and I remember being treated very differently than our brother - he could do no wrong - he was the only planned child. The rest of us were surprise babies, not planned, not wanted. Were we objectively treated differently? Or was that our perception? He conveniently remembers none of it. Truth is never objective.
Maybe your son has that perception not to be clouded in reality. I don't know your son nor your wife. I would suggest your son needs counseling if this is still hurting him.
how could we possibly explain it? we don't know you, didn't know your wife, know nothing about this.
if your grown son is having issues, he should get counseling.
khairete
S.
Maybe your wife did this, and maybe your son has this perception that is not entirely accurate. No one can say because unfortunately your wife is no longer here. What's damaging though is that your son has carried this resentment with him and has never spoken of it to you. Do you have any idea why?
There's nothing you can do about it now except to have your son, and yourself if this is bothering you, go to counseling to sort through some things. It may be that there were some indicators that you didn't recognize. Maybe your daughter didn't see it, maybe she did and won't discuss it. But a lot of emotions arise - and resentments too - after a death when people feel free to talk and let go of some deeply-held feelings or even secrets.
Without knowing what other issues are at play here, and without knowing the nature of the mistreatment, it's hard to advise you on how to advise your son. But counseling is always a good start when there are unresolved problems, hurt and anger.
I think your son should have put himself in therapy years ago. Carrying this around for 51 yrs has been a burden to nobody but himself. You can't fix this. Your daughter can't fix this.
That being said maybe your son's personality didn't click with his mother's making it difficult for them to work together. She may have been harsh with him trying to make him into a man since you weren't around. He may have been difficult but doesn't remember his part in their interactions.Any way you look at it there's nothing that you can do to make amends for things that happened years ago.
I think that the damage has been done, and you are going to have to let go of the guilt you're experiencing over finding out about something you didn't know about and can't change. To help your son (I can only assume he's coming to you about this) please realize that he is a grown man now. He needs to get into therapy if he's not already. Other than that, I don't feel there's much you can do. Support him and let him know you love him. Apologize for not realizing what was going on, but that's all I feel you can really do. Sorry that you have to go through this.
There's a statute of limitations on blaming your parents for how you turned out. He really needs to heal himself and move on.
sorry for your loss
either your wife had a favorite child and showed it or your son is more sensitive than your daughter. or your daughter had a better way of dealing with and moving on from the mistreatment. no one but your wife knows and she took that info to her grave.
you and your grown up kids can get counseling for this to get over it. or let the past go and move on.
not sure how to advise you but i will share my experience. the reason my parents had a second child (me), was to provide a sibling for her first, my brother who is two years older. my parents then set about treating me exactly they way they treated my brother and then blamed me when their approach wasn't successful. hhhmmm...perhaps because i am a separate and distinct human being who might need different things, unique support, individual interaction? i still have days when the resentment bubbles up. and, at the risk of sounding suicidal, which i am not, i still have days when i wonder why she even bothered having me at all...they were all so happy as a family of 3.
i guess the best advice i can offer you is to sit him down and talk to him about it to whatever end will help him find some closure and peace.
Seriously, you expect strangers who don't know you and who haven't lived in your house to know something you don't know?
I'm sorry. My sister and I have different memories from growing up. My own boys, who are 16, 14, 12 and 10 see things differently, from weeks ago!!
Your son is a big boy now. What does he expect you to do compensate him somehow? What is does he want from you? Acknowledgement that something was different and he was treated differently??
Tell him that everyone has a different perception. You can't change the past. He needs to figure out a way to deal with it. If that means counseling. Then tell him to seek a therapist.
