Wow I wish I had this advise a year ago, but I had to make things work myself. I had finally had enough of my hubby being a brute to me. I told him over and over that he was mean to me and all he could hear was (people thought he was mean), and his comeback was I'm not mean everyone loves me. I'm a good dad I work hard for this family. So one day I sat down and said, look I'm not happy I'm tiered of being the one who is blamed for everything, you yell at me for everything, even when your nice to me on the phone all day I think great tonight is going to be great, then you walk in the door and start yelling and blaming me for things I have no idea what your talking about, but it is all my fault that I have a bad attitude. I would look at the kids and say, We are all fine and having a great time until you came in the door. So It's not me it's you. Of course that only made things worse, he told me that if he couldn't take his day out on me then what good am I. I said, No, you can tell me about your day and I will listen, but you can not blame me for your bad day. It's not my fault. This helped a little but as I was saying It toke my son to walk in the room as I was talking to him, he turned to my son and said am I mean to you, my son said, no dad we are best buds, I said, when did I ever tell you you were mean to the kids or a bad father, I said you were mean to me. He asked my son, am I mean to your mom and my son said, yes all the time, you yell at her everyday and tell her she's mean when she wasn't. This really opened his eyes.
I think truth and talking is the best way to understand each other. Many of your responses talk about the book (proper care and feeding of husbands)by Laura S. I read this book, My hubby thinks she is great and gave me this book for christmas. So I read it. I toke this book serioulsy and tried doing the things it says but I never got back the ten fold part. Also this book told me my hubby didn't want to hear my problems unless I expected him to fix them. So I kept everything bottled up, because it also states that you shouldn't talk to your family about your marrage problems or your friends. The reason for this is your family will hold a grudge against him longer then you will. This is true and I have always know this. So I have never shared with them. But as for friends I started not telling them either, which is bad because if you can't tell your hubby and your family and your friends then who do you tell. No-one and it bottles up till you explode, this is not good either. So find a friend and let it out.
But remember your best friend is your spouse this is why you married him. Talk to him make him priority number one when he walks in the door, (look who's home it's daddy and run give him a hug and kiss) Ask him about his day, make the kids watch a movie or tv show for half an hour so you can hear about his day and be one on one. Really talk to him say, look hunny I'm trying to figure out how to give you the time you need and it would really help me if I knew what exactly you need from me. When you yell at me this is a turn off, so tell me you need time to be heard, time to cuddle, sex only, what is it that will help you feel better about us. You might be surprized, maybe he only want's to talk to you, then make sure you try to fit this in, then you can tell him your needs. Be honest about sex but do this either after you have had sex or when you are simply just talking. Say Look I understand you need sex all the time and I'm trying to give that to you but I don't always need to be taken care of. If I say peaches, then you know to take care of yourself, and not try to take care of me so much (meaning be fast please)and if I say roses, it means I'm into this and want to be taken care of too. My hubby said that saying hurry up hurt his feelings or saying I'm not in the mood was a turn off. So we use code words then he knows how I'm feeling with out being rude. Date nights are very important and be glad that he want's to spend time with you not someone else. Remember that your kids will grow up and move on with someone else and when that happens, you want to be with your best friend. So don't forget him now. Kids can play by themselfs or watch a tv show, just explain that you have been their for them all day and now it's daddies turn. After a couple of days they will be use to this and leave you alone. Best wishes to you. Please talk to him without the kids around and repeat things several times and make him repeat what he heard, because we all hear what we want to sometimes. Like (Hunny if you help me do the dishes we can go to bed yearlier and have a great time together) but he'll hear ( Hunny go to bed I'll hurry and do the dishes then take care of you all night). Most likely the 2 of you are just not hearing each other correctly so make sure you are understanding what the other is saying. Once you get past this issue you both put down your guards and talking becomes easier for both of you. Remember your not alone but you are wonderwoman, therefore rearange the schedule until you make it work. J. P.