I Just Filed My papers...how Do I Help My Girls Understand?

The simple answer is "Daddy does not live here anymore. He lives at Grandma's house. You will see him this weekend. Why? Because daddy and mommy can't live in the same house without being angry all the time and we didn't want you to grow up that way."

Personally, I would keep your Christmas arrangements but preface the drop-off with a simple conversation. "If your mother inappropriately questions the girls again, we will need to find a neutral place for your visits. It's not fair to them and you need to protect them while in your mother's home. I'll see you in two hours." Then see what happens. If grandma is inappropriate again, then the next visit is at a park, mall, McDonald's whatever... if she's OK then you're OK.

When I got divorced, my kids were 4 and 7. I simply told them that their dad was not making "family friendly choices" and said we could not be married any longer. I told them that as they got older, they would understand more, and I would tell them more. They are now 10 and 13 and they have seen for themselves why I am no longer married to him, no explaination required.

If I were you, I would drop off the girls at the ex MIL house for a few hours then go back and get them. I would also have an honest converstation with EMIL and say something like, "We are divorcing and are trying to stay amicable. I would appreciate it if you don't question the girls about things between their father and I. If you want to know about anything that has to do with me, please contact me directly. Otherwise understand that we are all doing the best we can do and would appreciate your support during this tough time."

Your soon to be ex does not need to know where you live, ever. You can have a mutual spot like the local McDonalds to swap the girls when it gets to that point. Its a hard time but lots of us have been thru it. I wish you the best. My life got SO much better after I left my husband. I am now happily married and have a great life. Good luck!

I like Krista P.'s answer. I want to add, you can't really control from this point on how your soon-to-be ex-husband raises your daughters, unless you can manage supervised visits, which may be a possibility considering his history. I can certainly understand why you would want that, I would too. If he is agreeable to that, I wouldnt leave them alone with him/his family either, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you. Your daughters' safety is far more important than anything else.

Keep it simple with them. Read their cues and answer their questions. Those questions are hard because you're struggling with your choices. You're doing the right thing - you already know that.

You will have to face his family at some point - might as well make it then if you're not comfortable leaving them alone. Otherwise, smile warmly when you drop them off and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Set the rules and boundaries now and it will make it easier in the future.

Good luck! and just know that you will get through this. I felt a huge weight lifted after I filed. Just take it one step at a time.

I would first suggest that both of your children and yourself start family therapy. This is one of the first things a child should start when divorce happens. This is something I never got when I was a child, and I cannot say enough on the importance of it.

Secondly, you are really in a tough position. Especially with your ex's mother putting things into your daughter heads, and asking questions. Totally not fair.

Thirdly, holidays are always iffy when divorce happens. Either way, children are always put in the middle, and issues arise. So, prepare for it. The best thing to do is to not put any pressure on your children, and do not engage long term in any situation with your ex's family.

I would drop them off at his mother's and pick them up. Set this up with your ex ahead of time, so their is no surprises, and his mother knows her place. She shouldn't be involved, but it sounds like she wants to know what is going on. Set a time,date and then a pick up time and date. Keep it short with conversations. The less the better.

Your children are 4 years old. So keep it simple and in their understanding. I was 5 when my parents divorced. My mother told me that my father was going to live in his own house, and she was going to live in another house. That I could see my father anytime I wanted. My mother told me that she loved my father, but not in a way a person should when they are married. More like a friend or a brother. Mommy and Daddy wanted to be better people to me and my brother, and so they needed to not live together anymore. That she hoped when I was older that I would understand better, and that she loves me very much.

Do what you feel is right. I would keep it simple and whatever you do, do not list out the reasons why daddy and you cannot live together. When they are much older you can have a different conversation.

I would also add that you should let them talk to you about how they feel at any time.

I guess I must be the only who thinks you shouldn't take them to his mother's for Christmas?!?

If his mother was respectful of you and your situation and didn't badger your girls, I might feel differently.

Since she's not respectful, and you have no legal requirement as of now to take them there, I wouldn't. I'd have a nice Christmas at home with my girls. Then, if I saw fit, I'd take them over to their grandmother's to see her and their father on a different day when his whole family isn't there and it's not so uncomfortable for you to stay. I would not be leaving them alone there at all.

Best wishes! I'm sure this is difficult for you even though it's for the best.

I don't have much to add except that I'm sorry you had to file. Good luck and blessings to you.

I do think that if I were in your specific situation, I would err on the side of caution and go with supervised visits if that's an option.

I can't say it any better than Krista P!! Exactly what she said.

Basically at this point, I would just tell them that you and daddy have some adult things to work out and until you do, things have to stay the way they are. Tell them you know they don't understand right now and you are sorry about that but that they are going to have to trust you that you are doing the best thing for all of you, including daddy.

As for xmas, I would first have a conversation with your MIL and tell her you are considering letting the girls come over for a visit, but you first need her assurance that she will not ask the girls questions about you. Tell her that if she agrees and then you find out she did ask questions about you, she will NEVER see the girls again.

Good luck to you and your girls. I am so happy that you found the courage to leave!

If your ex is on the same page re. your exMIL's behavior, and you have an amicable relationship with him, I like MzKitty's answer and I'll add that you AND ex speak firmly and lovingly with his mom about this issue. She needs to know that she is being hurtful to her grandbabies by being inappropriately nosy about your personal life. THAT may be the key - how it affects the grandbabies moreso than how it bothers you and your ex.