I Have No Idea What to Do, Help!

She continues to do it, because she's getting the response she wants - upsetting the entire house.

I agree that she needs to experience this herself and learn some empathy. If I were you, I would tease her a bit about something she really cares about and then talk to her and try to get her to understand that this is exactly how you make other people feel. If she still persists in doing it, then the very first time she teased another child she would be sent to her room for the remainder of the day and night - she comes out again tomorrow to go to school. Tell her she does not have the RIGHT to make people feel that way and if she wants to persist, she will have to stay away from people. Plain and simple. You DO NOT have a right to do this to anyone!

She doesn't do it at school because she apparently knows it's wrong and she doesn't want to get into trouble. She KNOWS what she's doing.

Sounds like you have a bully in training. Need to get her under control NOW!

I agree with teaching your daughter empathy. Teach her to look at people's faces when she says mean things and see how they feel and to imagine how she feels when she is sad, hurt, or mad. Not good feelings.

Also teach her to look at peoples faces when she is kind and thoughtful and sweet to them and see how happy they look. Notice EVERY TIME she does something thoughtful and sweet and give her plenty of attention for it.

Teach your other children to stand up for themselves and to look her in the face and say firmly, "Stop it. I dont like it" and walk away. If she continues to torment after they have told her to stop, step in and say, "She told you that she did not like what you were doing. You must stop and apologize." If she refuses, send her to her room. No drama - cajoling, yelling, etc. Just send her to her room and shut the door. Check in on her every 5 minutes or so to see if she is ready to come out and be kind to the rest of the family.

Try to teach her empathy...turn the tables on her....say, "I want you to pretend that you are your older sister and I am you. What if I said, "......" to you, tell me how you would feel. Try this over and over and have her explain how it feels and why.

Sometime kids (and adults for that matter) don't ever really get to know how things feel until they actually have the tables turn on them.

How about a little reverse psychology?

Have you all ganged up on her and teased her back? She needs to know what it feels like. Pick a point she's particularly sensitive about and have fun teasing her her in jest.

I grew up in a big family with 7 siblings and my parents taught us nothing about getting along. I've now invested a lot of time teaching my kids how to get along. How to respect each others NO. How to resolve their differences in opinions. How to stated their opinions nicely with respect. Etc, etc.

Just keep working with her. There is no one magic trick or discipline that works instantly. Only time and attention and consistency.

What makes her feel loved?
Does she need more cuddle time? Does she need to be told she's doing a good job more often from you.
If all she gets is negative attention at home, it's still attention.

Teach the other two to stand up for themselves. Tell them when Sarah is being bossy and mean they are to say "It is not OK for you to call me that." THen come to you.
You then put Sarah in TO.
Then role-play with her.

It is very important that the other two learn to stand up to her, for their own self esteem and for her to realize that she cannot boss the world around.

Jen,
I would continue the punishments but maybe make them a little stronger. With my middle one (12yrs) I have to take away what he likes the most, he doesn't care for the TV like my oldest does, he likes more video games, so I take the video games away and even some of his favorite toys.
When that doesn't work anymore, then you take the other two out with you for a special treat (maybe the park for 1/2 hr, or ice cream, nothing fancy) just something to get her to think about her attitude (leave her behind with your husband), it is going to hurt you more than it hurts her, but you need to sit down with her and explain her that there are consequences to her bad behavior.
I also do a special day to hang out with them (usually on a Saturday), just in a one on one basis, and they all love that. I use that time to talk to them and tell them how proud of them I am but there are some things "we" need to work on.
She might be trying to get more attention from you and your husband, even though you give them all the same, she might need a little more from you. Remember they are all different, so sometimes when we think we are being fair with all of them, some might need a little more of you than the others.
My girl is at that age right now (10) that she wants to spend more time with me than before. The middle one, he always wants more time, and my oldest who was the one that always wanted to be with me, now at 13 is the one that wants less of me.
When they were your children's age, the mean one was the oldest one, but he learned quickly. Now is the middle one the one that gives me more issues to deal with!!!
It is a life learning experience, just take a deep breath, pray and keep on going. Don't worry too much, keep doing what you are doing; repetition is the key to learning.
Blessings

I say she is bored. Keep her busy. As soon as she gets home from school have her do some kind of manual labor or housework like dusting or making the beds. Or put her in an afterschool activity like karate or gymnastics. DS is on a behavior color system at school and we do the same for him at home. If he stays on green while at home, he gets his perks but if he gets any color changes, there are consequences.

She's trying to get attention, and negative attention is better than none, in her mind. I disagree with the reverse psychology - I don't think most kids get it, and certainly not at her age. I think you have to increase the strength of the punishments (they WILL work if you take away what is REALLY important to her and if you are incredibly consistent), and also increase the amount of positive attention she gets for doing the right things. I don't think the "middle child" idea helps much - it puts certain values and expectations on kids just because of birth order, and it's easy to explain away or make excuses for her on that basis, just as you pay extra attention to the child with ADD. Your punishments need to be consistent for all 3 kids, and your rewards need to be consistent. Find out if there's teasing or bullying in her classroom - she may be the victim of something, feel powerless to defend herself, and then she acts out at home.

She need understand what shes doing to them let her have A taste of her own medicine.