I Have a Serious Situation and Need Some Serious Advice

Hi,

My daughter is 10 and her dad has been in and out of her life for 10 years now (last 6 he has not been around) We have been trying to get him to come see her (he lives in CA) and she misses him dearly. I am in the same situation as you I have two children one from each marriage, but now going trough a second divorce. It kills my daighter that now she is 10 and she can not see her dad ( and her dad is so far) My advice if he is STEPPING up to the plate, let him be apart of her life, she will only be mad at you for taking that away in about 5 years and you will not win in the courts eyes. Make sure he pays his support and back support, and if he does not stick to a visatation schedule then I would seek sole custody and still get your child support that way if he chooses not to see her, then at least she knows you gave him that chance. Her step-dad should relize that you can never take a child from the parent even though he is in the wrong for being gone. My daughter is not doing well due to not having her real dad in her life, and as much as i dislike both of my ex's I would never want to see my children be sad of messed up mentally. Good luck, think of your child best intreast, becasue the court system will and you will waste alot of money. Maybe just consider sole custody and get child support instead.

D.

Okay, let me get this straight.
Your current husband wants to adopt your daughter to get your ex out of your lives? Is that right? Of course, I don't know the Whole situation, but it sounds like your current husband is being a bit selfish. If your daughter wants to be involved with her daddy and he wants to be involved with her, why would you try to stop that? Let your ex try to do what's right and be her daddy. Also, you can not force him to sign adoption papers - because he would have to agree to the adoption and sign the papers allowing your current husband to gain custody. Unless your ex has tried to physically harm your daughter in anyway, then I would 'allow' him to be a father to her. I know it's hard that he disappeared for a while. I feel for you.

Just to let you know...my own dad was killed in a car accident when my mom was pregnant with me. I would give anything to have him here - even if he would have been a lousy dad at times. No one is perfect.

Good luck to you. And I'm sorry if I have your situation all wrong.

Even if you really wanted to terminate your ex's parental rights, it is not that easy to do. The court looks at specific factors in termination. Depending on the facts of your case (whether you ex pays child support, the last time he had contact, etc.) the court will or will not allow termination. I would suggest that you consult with an attorney to see the reality of that issue. You might just have to make the best of a bad situation. A good family law attorney is Judith Glaser, 15 W. Jefferson in Naperville. Her number is ###-###-####. She is down-to-earth and realistic. She can lay out all of your options. You can also contact the DuPage County Bar Association for a referral. Their referral line is ###-###-####. Good luck.

first of all pray and ask the lord for his help. over the past twenty years it has worked for me, every time. I had the same situation, only with two boys, seventeen years apart. I am now 53 years of age and I've come to realize love is like a rubber-band many times it stretches further than we think. We don't know the future. Keep a watchful eye and heart for the child's emotional,physical,financial, and spiritual well being. We must learn to trust god with our children as well. They are his children. We as parents are given the responsiblity to raise our children under his watchful eye as well. We can't be with them 24 hours of everyday of their life. Teach them to bring god into their life and god takes care of everything else. My oldest son has respect for his father, his stepfather, and myself. He comes to all three of us with different problems at different times in his life. Not everything in life is supposed to be problem less, perfect, or fair. That is what god is all about. We as wives must respect the headship of our husbands. It is important that your daughter follow the head of the family. If you don't agree with your husband go to god. Only he can change the minds and hearts of people, if a change is even necessary. I'm christian, my current husband is a minister. No we don't go to a church or preach for money. My ex-husband is moslem. When my son was sent to live with my ex-husband for six of his teen age years I told him to be the best muslim student he could be under his father's headship. I told him when he was old enough to own his own dwelling place then he could decide what teachings he wanted to follow. He could be catholic like his grandmother, christian like his mom, muslim like his dad, agnostic like his friend, jewish like some of his teachers, atheist like some of his other friends, etc. My point was that god is bigger than the small box we put him into. He can reach my son whenever and wherever he wants to. He is my responsibility given to me by the lord. My son had enough of a difficult time choosing loyalties to friends, family, clubs, fraternities, etc. his entire life. As a loving mother I did not want his to have more strife. He is now twenty-six and comes to me for personal and spiritual problems. He goes to his dad for financial problems at times, but god has given him a place to live, a job, a car, and money he has earned all on his own. I pray you get the peace in your heart over this situation only the lord can give. Don't believe the devil's lies when he tells you, that you have made the wrong choice. The devil lies very convincingly. That is another spiritual battle. If you pray no matter what the odds, you have made the right choice. It is called taking the cross.

Hey N.

I am always late at checking these I no my response is late, but I hope it helps. In order for your husband to adopt your daughter, her father would have to sign over his rights. Unless he was a horible father and put your daughter in harms way I would really think about cutting him out of your daughters life. You will also need to think about how your daughter would feel about it when she gets older. Will she be okay w/ it or would she be mad at you for taking her father away from her(regardless of how poor a father he was). To a child there father is the world for what ever reason, even if he was never around on never ever did anything for them. In ever case I have seen the child always wants that relationship regardless if their dad is a loser or not. At the end of the day he is her flesh and blood and the only way I would try to cut him out of her life is if I thought he was going to harm her in some way. It is possible that she may resent you when she gets older if the reason you cut him out is not his own doing or not due to her being in harms way. All 3 of you (hubby, father and you) and address your concerns. You owe him and your daughter that much, then you can at least tell her you tried. It takes a village to raise and child and I don't want to deny my child love from any directions. Hope it helps:-)

N.,
I to was in a that situation.
No you should not keep her from her father as she may end up hating you later for it. I can't stand my son's father but my son loves him that's his dad. He didn't do anything for three years and still now ( does nothing but except financially). if my son calls him for extra money besides child support he gives it to him. He doesn't ever come to see him play baseball and my son is on 2 leagues one travel. I never talked bad about his dad in front of him as it could haunt you later. Your husband can't just adopt without her fathers consent and why would he want to take her from him anyway. My son was three when we split and as I said for three years he didn't even call my son but all of sudden he called and restarted talking to him and my son wanted to talk to him again so I let him. Some men don't get the unconditional love you should give a child they aren't as mature as we are. But the good part is that he's there for her now and your husband should stay out of it as your not rekindling your relationship with him.
Your husband needs to think how would he feel if you did that to him if you guys split up.But most important is if you don't let her see him or let him in her life when your daughter gets older and wants him there or he tells her he wanted to be there but you let your husband keep her away from him she will resent you. I believe in the theory never take a man over your children not even if it's your husband.(as she's not his) She has a father let her enjoy him for whatever it's worth. if her father steps out of her life again as my son's did numerous time just be there to console her, she will love you more for that. And if he keeps going in and out of her life as she gets older she'll make the decision to see him or not or if she wants to be bothered by him. Your husband has his child there and he's being a father to that child let your daughter have her father. My suggestion to you is don't let your husband get in the middle of your daughter and her father as you never know what the future holds.
And if anything was to happen to her father and you deprived her of a relationshuip with her father on the advice of your husband only you will pay the price as she will resent you in the long run.
C.

I feel, you should let your husband adopt, because I will send you a letter, that can let you see what I am going through. It is sad, but, life goes on, and a child grows up, and you're better off in the long run. It is better to deal with the pain now, then having you and your daughter's life ruined because of recycled sickness. J.

I think if you can maintain positive energy in your house and allow your daughter to have a relationship with her Dad it's the best thing to do.

When I was Y., My Mom was not allowed to let me have a relationship with my Dad and family. My step-Dad wanted to adopt me as well to prevent any contact. My Mom did it and I don't blame her but I did eventually get in touch - the day I turned 18 yrs. old and the result was the loss of all those years and a little resentment towards my step-dad.

Hi N.:
Wow, sounds like your plate is full! I would recommend talking to an attorney about setting up child visitation (if that is an option) etc. and also going to a therapist/family counselor for yourself or with your current husband to process all this. I doubt your daughter's father will ever completely leave your lives so getting over the "issues" to a workable place is your best best. Also, I don't think your current husband could adopt your 4 yr old if her bio-father objects, which is what it sounds like he would do. You might even consider a counselor for your daughter to process all this. There are good kids books on visitation and different types of families for her too. Good luck!

Hi, N..

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a tough situation. When I read your email I actually got a lump in my throat because it is so similar to how I grew up. My mom and paternal father got divorced when I was six months old. We lived with my grandparents until I was 4 when my mom got remarried and her husband adopted me. To make a long story short it wasn't a good situation. They divorced when I was 14...and to this day still have had no further contact with my adoptive father. Over the years I would hear about my paternal father trying to get in touch with me but my mom always stopped his advances. My mom would tell me stories that would make me nervous to want to meet him if I ever mentioned anything. She said he was abusive - not physically - more verbial and neglectful. When I was 30 he contacted me directly via a letter and tried to explain things as best he could ..... he said they were Y., he was stupid and always wanted to know me. Again, because of stories I had heard and being afraid to possibly be disappointed in a parent again I chose not to reciprocate the communication. He waited to contact again until I was 33 and had my first child. He left a voice mail on my home phone wanting contact with me and his granddaughter. I was so scared that I wrote him letter asking him not to contact me again. Which he hasn't. I'm sure it broke his heart but I couldn't afford to be disappointed again myself let alone put my daughter in a compromising position.

I'm sorry for the gorey details but wanted you to know the full story. I really don't have any advice for you as every situation no matter how similar they seem are different. Trust your gut and know that if you choose not let him back into your daughter's life that she will grow up curious. She'll have questions and ask herself - do I look like him? do I have his personality? do I have his smile? In later years paternal health history has been a biggy for me. If you truly feel she shouldn't know him than you are probably right but choose your words carefully when she asks....because she will.

I'm sorry, I'm probably confusing you more than anything. I know that whatever decision you make won't be easy and I hate it that you are in such a tough situation.

I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

A.

Hi N.,
I'm no legal expert, but my understanding of similar situations are that unless the biological father gives up all legal responsibilities, she cannot be adopted by your current husband. Seems like every time he has a mood shift he unfortunately takes it out on your daughter. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

N.,
I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter is 4, and my son is 17 months. My daughter's father was very stand-offish when we broke up to do anything with her. I let him make his choice. And for a while, his choice was not to be there. I had been with my husband for quite a while when my ex suddenly decided he wanted to be there again. Fights ensued with my husband, and they would not be in the same room with each other, much less be peaceable to one another for a good year. It was tough. I found that my husband believed that it wasn't fair to let someone who didn't seem to care for an extended period of time back into her life like that. He also felt that my ex was unable to be a strong role model for her. But that is not the point, and I must say that my ex has matured increasingly since. The point is, having the biological father in the picture is very important. The statistics are astronomical on the adverse affects it has on children when the father is not there. One is that daughters who don't have their biological fathers in the picture are 10 times more likely to be teen pregnancy cases. That is huge. It's even better that she has 2 men in her life that care. Your husband needs to understand that children have ALOT of love to give to any parental figure in their life. My daughter loves her father and my husband equally from what I can see. Children are only TAUGHT that they must love one more than the other, it's not instinct. She will only choose between the two men if she is shown or made to. My husband has 3 children from another marriage, and I know the stress of having to deal with the ex. It is difficult, and a lot of times you can feel undermined, and that your authority doesn't count. In your house, there are certain rules. Children can distinguish between that and a different house through time. What you must ask yourself is, is this worth it for my daughter's sake? I know that it puts a huge effort on your marriage, and especially you, to make it work out; but at all costs your kids should come first. The other stress you will have will be the difference in parenting between you and your ex. Consider trying a sit down with all three of you present if you come to the conclusion that you will do this. I know this may turn out to be a stressful thing, but if you think that you can handle the testosterone in the room, go for it. It's important that there be at least a bit of consistency between the two homes. Good luck, dear. If you wish to contact me with any other questions about this, feel free.
J.

Hi N.,
Speaking from experience...my parents divorced when I was Y. and for a short time(1-2 years) my father was never around. Once my father straightened up and got his act together he has been in our lives ever since. I am now currently divorced and I am so grateful that my ex is in the picture and very consistant.

I know it would be easier to have your daughter not a part of your ex's life but it would only hurt her in the long run. Studies suggest that when one biological parent is absent the child suffers from self esteem issues and sometimes drug and alchol issues.

I know you probably do not, but try not to say anything negative around him in her prescence. My parents (still) have negative things to say about the other and honestly its frustrating. I always felt like they put me in the middle.

Anyway, Since I am divorced I am extremely careful of thier feelings and needs.

Anyway, if you want to talk, you cnan email mo.

Hope this helps!

HI N.,
Wow, what a complicated and difficult situation. I think Tracey gave you some good advice. I haven't been in your situation either (my son's father doesn't do anything with our son unless his mother forces or blackmails him too). I think though, that your daughter's best interests have to come before your husband's desires. You said her biological father dropped out of the picture for a year... is he likely to do that again? What were his reasons? Is he coming back erratically or does he want time with your daughter on a routine basis (every other weekend, one day every weekend, etc).
If you really feel that having your biological daughter's father back in the picture is best for your daughter, then allow him. But he has already left her hanging before, so I wouldn't give him too many chances. If you decide, then let him know up front the terms (such as he can have every other weekend, or one day every weekend, or time during the week - whatever the case may be. I would also tell him up front that if he exits her life again like he did before, he is not welcome back. It is not healthy for a child to have a parent that only comes around when they want to. It may be that he has matured a little and realizes the value of his relationship with his daughter. As for your current husband, I agree with Tracey that he may feel threatened somewhat. Most likely your husband has forged a bond and loves your daughter, and he might feel threatened by her biological dad coming back into the picture. He might feel that it undermines his own relationship with her, or he may feel worried that maybe her biological dad will "steal" her affection away. I think you should talk with your husband and find out his real reasons for being against your daughter's biological dad coming back into the picture. And really listen to him, because he might have some valuable insight. Men often look at things differently than women so he may see this whole situation completely different. Either way, don't dismiss his feelings or pretend like they don't matter. Make sure he knows you appreciate his concern and will keep what he says in your mind when making your decision. If the decision causes problems, then you may want to suggest seeing a counselor together to deal with the issue. Good luck, it isn't an easy situation to be in. Follow your heart and do what is best for your daughter and you'll make the right decision.

I understand your situation is a difficult one and unfortunately, you are caught in the middle. My suggestion to you is family counseling between you and your husband and your daughter's father. This will only work if all parties are willing to work together. If your daughter's father has legal rights to see and be with her and they have a good relationship then the only thing that needs to be worked on is your husband's willingness to allow their relationship to continue. I understand this is very difficult for your husband since he does not trust this guy, however, it will be to your daughter's benefit if you can all work together and come to a mutual agreement between the three of you. I wish you and your family the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.

A little about me: Married and have a Paralegal background but currently I am a stay at home mom to my 1 year old son Spencer.

Since I do not know all the details it is hard to say for sure. I would not want to keep my child away from their father. That is just my opinion. Maybe you could have a sit down with him(have someone with you, maybe a counselor) and explain the rules to him and if he breaks them then let him know the results. I have never been in this situation and I hope I never do. Good Luck!!!

Hello Dear,

I HAVE gone through this myself a few years back. I know how hard it is and the stress it must be causing you and your husband......... If you would like to call me directly, here is my cell #: ###-###-####.
I can give you some advice, a phone number to an excellent attorney, and whatever else you need.
It is a hard spot to be in, but everything happens for a reason, and all things work out in the end the way it was meant to be.
Have a great day, & I hope to hear from you.
Take Care,
K.

i'm sorry you're going through what you are and unfortunately find myself in somewhat of the same situation. for me the bottom line is that you and your daughter are two separate people. if he cannot make that differentiation and takes whatever 'adult' issues you're having out on not spending time with his daughter then you should take your husband's advice into serious consideration. think about it, you two are no longer together for a reason. but you will be in each other's lives forever since you were blessed with your daughter. the reasons that drove you apart may come up over and over again and how fair is that to your daughter to pay the price. i really feel that stability is key and that sometimes a child's birth parents aren't always the best people to raise them. good luck with your decision and congratulations on your new addition.

As difficult as it may be for your current husband to understand, your daughter needs to have her father in her life. This does not mean her step-father is any less important. In fact, he will have a much greater impact on her life than her biological father. You and your husband need to forgive your daugher's father and pray for him. Your children see how you respond to situations (espeically difficult) and will imitate you in their lives. If possible, make sure your daughter's father is committed to being there for her always, not just when it's convenient for him. Most of all, make sure whatever is done is for your daughter's best interest.
We will pray for your resolution of this matter. God bless!

N., that is really a difficult situation. I'm going to put my two cents in, because you asked but take this with a grain of salt because I haven't experienced what you have. My opinion is that you have to do what is best for your daughter. Is having her biological father in her life going to benefit her? Your current husband has no right to deny your little girl her real father unless her real father is a danger to her. If her dad has come around and wants to be involved with her, he has the right as her dad. If your husband has issues with this, perhaps you could suggest marital counseling. He might feel threatened by this man because he still has some value in your life. Your little girl is very lucky to have two men in her life who love her enough to fight for her. I hope it all goes well.

T.