I know this is not about my children but he is just as important, also I know this will sound like I'm just complaining but this is out of concern, his happiness comes first as far as I am concerned.
My nephew is 26 years old I've pretty much watched him grow up and he was such a nice boy (he still is) but growing up he was quiet and bullied a fair bit, his only friend growing up was his next door neighbour Steve and they have been best friends since they were about 4 and he is a nice guy too, they got good grades, they both went to Yale university and they make me proud don't get me wrong.
The only thing I am concerned though is my nephew does not seem overly willing to grow up, I mean he shared a dormitory with Steve all through Yale and when they graduated they both moved to Seattle and they share an apartment there, it is a nice apartment and they take care of it but I feel they should have progressed a bit more with their lives, I mean they are both writers, comedians and freelance journalists and they both make Youtube videos (which are quite funny) and that is pretty much what they do, they work barely any hours but make enough money to live.
What concerns me is how set they are in their ways, they show no interest in settling down, or getting into a stable relationship, neither of them look for full time jobs, they just call themselves self-employed and they seem to spend a lot of time with their gaming devices and going to book shops and comic book stores and visiting the cinema and that sort of thing.
Don't get me wrong they seem happy and I am glad they are happy, but I am concerned that being set in his ways like this, he is not prepared for the future, I mean he does not have a full time job so if his books lose popularity or nobody wants to publish his articles well then it is not long before he runs out of money, he does not earn a massive amount, also he is not making much effort as far as relationships go, he might never get married and have children, which is fine for him now but he could regret it 30, 30 years down the line.
I know it seems like I am just being nasty or I'm trolling or just looking for a reason to complain, but I am actually concerned, I mean his current lifestyle can't last forever and I would hate for him to suffer at all.
How should I approach this situation? should I just leave him to it?
I'm just feeling this mild concern and I would like some advice, that's all.
Well first of all I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to answer my query.
Secondly, it would be wonderful if they were in a relationship, but they are not, I have seen them with girls and my nephew's facebook page has said "in a relationship" with a few girls in the last year, so I doubt they are together.
Next, don't worry I have no intention of harassing him over it, I suppose live and let live, I just felt like getting some more opinions on the matter, I still can't help but be a little concerned.
I forgot to mention he drives around on a motorbike, I'm afraid I cannot come to terms with that ;)
Thanks again.
Leave him alone. He's 26 and he's doing what he wants. Sorry it's not what you want, but it's his life. If he goes through rough times without money, he'll think about getting a job, or not. His choice; his consequences. All writers and comedians walk that fine line between employment and unemployment - feast or famine.
He is 26. He has his own place, he pays his bills, he has found a way to live. If his books and things stop making money, it seems as though he will find a way to make it. He is ONLY 26. He is doing fine, he has his own life and making his way. I really don't think they are behaving much differently then other people who have no children or serious responsibility guiding their situations and decisions.
You never know, Steve might just be his stable, settled down relationship. Ever consider that? Perhaps, it's been in front of you this whole time.
I think he has a great life and doing what he wants. Soon enough, will settle down.
Stay out of HIS life. He is not asking you for anything so leave him alone.
Wait, what? That sounds like an awesome life to me!
So is it that he's making different choices than you did that bugs you? Like he can't possibly be happy if he's not doing it your way?
I guess I don't really understand what's to be concerned about.
:(
Your nephew
-got a great education
-is self-supporting
-is happy
-is an adult
There is no problem here.
He makes enough money to pay his bills, he enjoys his life, and he isn't hurting anyone. I fail to see a problem here.
Leave him be.
A lot of guys are in their mid 30's before they want to settle down and/or grow up.
If he doesn't have the drive to do anything else, there's nothing you can say or do that will give him any ambition.
It's also entirely possible that he and Steve HAVE settled down and are a couple.
His journey through life is his own and has nothing to do with you.
Welcome to Mamapedia!
You can only control yourself.
I think this is normal for a lot of people. My husband and I had a lot of graduate student friends...20something through 30something in age...who were just having fun in life, barely getting by, hanging out, writing music, and not really taking life seriously. It was a GREAT time of good times with wonderful, creative people. A few of these friends took FOREVER in grad school...over 10+ years. A few took year long hiatuses to travel around the world or across the country. Now we are all in our 40s and everyone eventually settled down into a more normal adult life. Don't worry about your nephew. He is doing fine. No need to approach him. Nowadays, I'm kind of shocked at the people who settle down, get normal jobs and have kids in their 20s. That seems crazy to me.
Hes 26 and a college grad who has decided to pursue his passions and is able to pay the bills. He's doing better than a ridiculously large percentage of the world. You should be pleased and proud.
If he suffers, he suffers. He's a smart young man and I'm certain that, if he needed to, he could pick up a regular 9-5 job. Right now, he doesn't want to or have a need to do so.
ETA: You said, "I forgot to mention he drives around on a motorbike, I'm afraid I cannot come to terms with that ;)"
Do you also yell at kids who accidentally walk on your grass? "Get off my lawn, you whippersnappers!"
When I was 26, I was in grad school and teaching. I wasted a lot of time drinking and going to clubs. It was fun!
Good for your nephew that he makes enough money while having a good time.
All I'd do is ask if he is saving for retirement. A discussion on compound interest is in order, otherwise, he sounds like a normal 26 year old. Even the 26 year olds I knew that had real jobs played a lot at 26.
There is no rush. I met my hubby at 29, and then we played together till 35 before having kids. I'm so glad we waited and enjoyed our youth. Now we have tons more money than other parents with kids our age, and we don't mind staying home and being boring. We lived hard in our 20s-early 30s, so now we can nest happily.
Let him pick his own path. It's his life.
Maybe they're gay? Besides, if they are happy with their lives, then butt out. It's none of your business.
This reads like yet another Danielle Steele novel . . .
It's his life, stay out of it.
Sounds like he's going fine.
I don't get the concern.
Seriously.
Life is full of choices..good and bad..and regrets. Maybe he will have regrets but maybe not.
I think that maybe he has made his choice and is happy with his life. Don't be overly ambitious to plan out other people's lives thinking they are missing out because their life path is not what you'd choose.
He is living his dream....and it includes his buddy Steve. I would bet money that Steve is his life partner. Consider it...always together..went to college together..same business ventures together. A....I really think they are a couple.
Keep enjoying your time with them and don't make judgements on what they should or should not be doing..they are adults. It is not the life path I chose or would choose for others...but I can only control myself.
Life will be happier and more fulfilling for YOU if you let go of worrying about other people's lives. I am sure your nephew and Steve don't give your life choices much thought..they are simply happy for you.
He is who he is. If he's not mooching off of you, then let it go.
I wouldn't be concerned. There will be something (probably a girl) that makes him decide to grow up and live like a grown up.
Sounds like a GREAT life for a 26 yr old guy! He is independent, supporting himself, not living in his parents basement smoking pot, and has made a nice life for himself. If he runs out of money it sounds like he is smart enough to get another job. He is probably in better shape than the majority of 26yr olds in this country!
A.,
He is who he is. He is an adult, happy, and you don't mention any real addictions or health issues.
Some guys are just like this. Some of them don't really grow up. (I was formerly married to a guy who would have loved this existence).
There are also guys like this who have their fun while they are young and then settle down in their thirties. They make great husbands and fathers because they've had their time to 'play', are ready for financial stability, and aren't going out all night because they are younger and feel they are missing out.
If he regrets it, well, then there's counseling for him and then going forward with more intention into his future.
I know many childless by choice couples and singles, single people who adopted later in their lives... so many varieties of choices. I also know some guys like this who, as I stated before, aren't marriage material and don't make an effort to be so because they aren't interested in living beyond their own self or their own interests.
I hope you can find a way to accept that this is just who he is-- maybe for now, maybe this will be his life. Who knows?
It's his life. He will change when and if he is ready to change, and not because his aunt gives him a talking to. If he asks, you can tell him what worked for you, and about your good or bad decisions you made along the way, and how you feel about them now. If he asks. But for now, he's not asking anything from anyone and he's making his own way in the world. He sounds like an interesting guy!
why does he "have" to grow up?
He doesn't.
He just to understand the choices that he makes impact what kind of life he can have.
When I was about 25, so only a year younger, I quit my very good job and went and became a ski bum for 6 months. My dad said I"d never get another job again. Fortunatley he was wrong and I've done very well professionally. There were a lot of people who were doing the ski bum thing who were my age or a bit older. I got tired of it - wanted another "real job" but they didn't and had been doing it longer. BUT - eventually they did and they didn't have Yale degrees behind them and soudns like real professional experience yet they went on to find "normal" jobs and get married etc. The life your nephew is leading is much more grown up than what these people were doing and like I said, they eventually "grew up". Some people take longer, I think that generation is taking longer in general, and it's not necessarily bad. I think 26 is still young. I"m SO glad I took that time and I also got married a bit later which is totally fine with me as I had plenty of experiences early instead of after my kids are grown. Just timing difference. So try not to worry and let his parents try to guide him if anyone is goign to. Maybe when he turns 30 he'll start to think he'd better figure things out more. Or maybe he just doesn't want a conventional lifestyle. Different strokes. It's always easier to watch when people are following convention but you have to remember it doesn't always mean they're happier in the end.
It's his life. I get that it would not be right for you but apparently it works for him. To each his own!
What in the world do you need to approach him about? He is paying his own way, with his own money. He knows how much money he needs to live on. When he wants to change, he will. Maybe he is happy living with his friend. Maybe he even has a relationship with his friend. Maybe that is who he is settling down with. Who knows. But he sounds like he is responsible, and who could ask for more?
He's actually pretty independent as things go. It's 2013, men no longer get married, buy a house and have kids by 21. I know you're not expecting that, but he's at an age where he'll pretty much want to enjoy himself and work no harder than he has to unless he has some burning desire to achieve more-which he probably will one day once some of his peers are further ahead than he is.
You have to have a REALLY high salary to live alone in a big city. Very few young single guys do it if they can have roommates. Seattle is expensive. Some guys live like boys until wives make them shape up, and then if no wife turns up into their 30's, suddenly they see all their friends married and buying stuff so they want to do those things as well, the better jobs, the property, the kids, whatever. Those are the things that will push him toward serious full time work at some point-which will be no problem with a Yale degree and a writing resume. Lots of men have no interest in kids before mid 30's these days. He's an adult, and it's up to him. Motorbike. Ugh. I so hope my son never gets one.
If he is happy and not mooching off of you, then let it be. He's not doing anything to make your life more difficult. I understand you want him to be the best he can be because you love him. But if he's happy, who cares?
And, um, are you SURE he isn't in a relationship? He's been living with his friend for a while now... maybe there is a reason neither of them are pursuing any other relationships.
nephew...Steve...Yale...are you sure this isn't another question from Sandy or Alexander?
Everyone else pretty much answered this question, if it's real.
That is so great of you to care so much about one of your family members! We need more people like you around, but.... he is an adult. He will have to live and learn like the rest of us have done. At 26 (especially being a male) he has a long way to go before he probably even feels the need to settle down. He is a big boy and can make his own decisions! As long as he can provide for himself he can do whatever he wants! Don't try and talk to him about "growing up". He is having fun and probably at this age wants to continue that life until he is ready to make any serious commitments!
Most guys shouldn't get married till around 35-40 anyway, he's go time to get serious.
You sound like a wonderful, caring Aunt....now butt out, lol
They are a different generation with a difference sense of time and what it means to be an adult. If he brings it up, I would add my 3-cents. Otherwise let it go. It's his life and he seems to be living it in a way that makes him happy.
You only live once.
I would never trade my kids and husband... and since I have them, I owe it to them to be stable and responsible. But the life you just described, frankly sounds wonderful. Good for them!
We will all have some sort of regrets down the line. My regret right now: jumping right into responsibility and not living it up when I was in my 20's.
Your nephew and Steve likely will change priorities when they get older or when they need to- like if they suddenly are not making ends meet or see the need to save for retirement. They are not going to make these kinds of changes based on a heart to heart talk with you or anyone else.
If your only concern is his happiness and he *is* happy, then what's the matter?
You can't prevent his suffering over his life choices. If you truly want him to grow and mature, you will have to let him possibly fail or have regrets. Do you realize how controlling you sound? Time to let go! :)
I would be more concerned about their finances and health insurance, than marriage. If your nephew never gets married, then that is his choice to live with. Maybe he won't regret it, maybe he will. It really doesn't matter. You live your life the way you want to, right. He's an adult.
On the other hand you are say one minute him and his friend has just enough money, then later on you elude that they have a lot of money. The thing to make sure is that they are investing a portion of their money in case they an emergency comes up and they need the extra cash. They are self-employed and happy that way. You can get a traditional job with the best company in the world and get laid off. There just aren't any guaruntees in life. Rich people take risks. They don't work for somebody else. People work for them. If they fail, they will come up with something else and that is what will make them stronger. You might want to expose them to investment strategies from the bank like CDs.
As for behavior, they like to play video games...so what. That doesn't make them immature. It fascinates me how people will think gamers are not mature, but romance novel readers are? It's just something they enjoy and it's ok. You might want to watch a show called "The Big Bang Theory." It's about these "nerdy" computer guys, that work for a computer company. It's very typical for them to enjoy gaming or have unusual hobbies. People with high IQ march to a different drum and that's ok.
you're a sweet aunt. i totally get your concern.
you really have no option but to leave him to it. the job market is in massive flux right now. it may well be that the next generation of entrepreneurs looks much like your nephew and his roommate.
at some point they well get motivated to do 'more', whatever that looks like. but the motivation won't come from even a beloved relative's anxiety.
love him, and be happy he's happy, and keep your worry to yourself unless he asks.
:) khairete
S.
A.,
You can't make someone be motivated, or want to re vamp their priorities. Keep in mind , your priorities are not his and they may never be his. You can be concerned , but, it doesn't change things. He can't live the life you have and vice versa. Sometimes you have to let some people fall, in order for them to learn how to pick themselves back up. Just like giving advice, you can only give it, but, it doesn't mean the person at the other end will take it. When your nephew is ready, he'll grow up ,sort of speak. When he wants more out of life, he 'll work towards it, monetary, relationship, etc. If he has regrets 30 years from now, he only has himself to blame.
Stay loving, and concerned ,but, let that be as far as it goes. We want the best for our loved ones, but, sometimes we have no control over what happens or how they live. Say a prayer and be there if he asks for advice, but accept him and his lifestyle for what they are.
Wouldn't the world be a boring place ,if everybody looked, lived and thought alike ? C. S.
