The 11 year old, I think has turned into the spawn of Satan, basically over the last 3 weeks.
The arguments are usually over something like the WII or my computer, stealing a toy, whatever, a piece of dust.
Anyways, the oldest one, for short shes(H). Well H says I did'nt do it, you ugly, your stupid retarded, inside out
you name it I did'nt do it. Then you here the little ones screaming and crying. MOMMY, MOMMY, HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!! Of course they are still trying to get back what ever it was that she took from them.I'm a Christian and don't beliveve in hittting.
At this point mommy has left so to speak and Broomhilda the night guard is on. I yell out go knock her block off.
That only works for a few seconds til someone comes out crying,and you can guess one of the little ones. I'm on my way
back, she looks at me like I have five heads.She hides under the bed, I can't get to her. She sits there you can't get me.
I bougt one of tose new Gizmos that the Internet, camara you name it. Tell her
she can't have it ,she says I don't care, can't go outside, I don't care, can't play the WII, can't do this and that and the other thing,
I don't care. I feel I'm loosing control I can't figure out how to get it back. You'd think I'd be able to out think her on this and I don't
know what to do. The little ones want her to away and I want to runaway. She also goes around under her breath saying hmmm,
well see. Did I die and go to hell because this 11 year old is actin like my mother. She can't be sittin there doin that to me. REALLY!
H
To all of you that responded to me I Thank you. The girls an I had a big discussion today, talking about everthing that's been
going on and why. Redirecting was the best advice and was the easiest one forgotten. It worked so well when they were little why not now. She's bored because she keeps getting grounded. I'm really surprised!!!!!!!!! I told her O.K. you push their buttons and back at atcha. Lets stop that all the way around. Then the stories come about friends of mine in school and the ones that were the closiet were invinceable and they were liked by most everybody in school. You won't have to worry about losing your best friend, becase your sister is your best friend, and the three of you are much more powerful and other children will follow by example. But, positively speaking these siblings went threw school doing really well, not much touble and went on to have really good lives. You need to stand up for one another another no matter what, if your having prblems with kids at school take it up with them,I lve you all very much and will do what evr I can to help you. Thank you, all for helping pull it backto gether.
go to the library and check out Love & Logic, it sounds like she needs to learn how to be accountable for her actions. If she really does not care well then its time to step up your game, does she have her own room? If so remove everything but her mattress and pillows and have her earn everything back. She will learn pretty quick when all she has is a bed and how important it is to treat everyone and everything with respect.
Oh dear. I honestly believe it's because she is probably "at that age" where menstruation is right around the corner.
It is so hard.
I've seen it w/my husband's neices & now my SD.
(My poor dad. I feel sorry for him now.)
Hang in there because it evens out.
Just try to be innovative & think ahead in how to help the younger ones cope.
Reprimand the older one in a way that shows her you know she is going through a tough time. Work with what you have & "be there" for the younger ones.
Much love sent your way. It will get better. Like I said...work with not against it.
11? Too old for spanking to be effective at preventing the future episodes. She's used to getting you being completely angry, yelling and hitting (and I'm not against spanking, but in older kids, you've missed the boat on that and they'll really hold it against you later because they're way too old for it), and hiding under the bed so you can't get her? She doesn't take you seriously at all. My brother and I would have never dared do any of the above and neither do my kids because we don't get mad. If my dad said "You will stop _____or else" we knew that was 100% TRUE and we stopped. I give one calm warning to stop something serious and then I act swiftly and firmly with no anger. They know they will not win, and 99% of the time, the warnign is all it takes because I've always been consistent. My older two 6 and 4 have outgrown spanks. My youngest 2 1/2 sometimes needs one, but rarely. You need to bring down the hysterics and decibels. She's old enough to understand consequences like removal of privileges etc. if you are calm and consistent and very tough about it.
I would get the book "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson, watch lots of episodes of World's Strictest Parents on CMT.com
and get ready to first and foremost IMPROVE your closeness with her. Treat her like a lovely young woman but TAKE NO GUFF. Have a talk with her. Let her know she's out of control and you love her and wont' let this continue. Tell her the next time she does one of these things, you'll remove ALL of the luxuries and privileges she has. ALL of them. Gone. Strip her room of everything but the bed. She can earn them back one by one with good behavior and lose them again when it slips. Have back up discipline on board for the tantrums she'll throw (this is where that show might help because it's for older kids-mine are young and would still be spanked if they threw raging fits)
You can get on top of this but it wont' be easy. Getting hysterical with her at this age only feeds her "rightness" that you are evil and out of control. Anger adds nothing to the effectiveness of consequences, so leave it out and act sooner before you're mad. A sting on the butt is the world crashing down to a toddler to be avoided at all costs, but completely ineffective on an older child. In the end it does more harm than good, so it's best to skip it and stick to other ways "she's only hurting herself" by misbehaving. If you are calm, loving and fair, and nice to here, but SHE keeps causing her own privileges and things to be lost, it's a much different message. Sort of like taking the "love and logic" stuff and "talking so kids will listen" stuff but also ADDING some effective consequences to the picture (because those methods alone won't rein in a child this out of control-she needs tough discipline until she settles down.) When she harms a sibling, her world should stop, and she should have enormous consequences calmly and firmly delivered immediately. You need to pre- plan what you'll do so you don't get caught off guard. Is dad around? He needs to step up if so!
And she sounds like she needs to be kept busy being productive and hanging around nice kids in church groups etc. You also might want to look into some kind of discipline camp or Outward Bound type thing. www.outwardbound.org If you aren't able to have any effect on her. She rules the roost. This is serious. Gather support! You can do it-Good luck!!
I have a little of that going on at my house. Basically, it all turned around when I told him "if you can't be nice to your family, your life essentially stops", "no friends over, no 4-wheeler (prized possession) no nothing". That pretty much nipped it in the bud.
I had a hard time following this, so I might not have understood everything you are saying here. However, I will tell you that 11 year olds can be just awful. I think your 11 year old hit that particular Twilight Zone and only your diligence and time can help.
Take her bed away from her. Put her mattress in the floor. Every single thing that she uses to hurt her sister or fight with you over, goes away. Don't bother to argue with her about it. Tell her once, and then just remove it. It's fine if she "doesn't care". You have given her a consequence, and she will continue to have consequences if she doesn't behave. When she has lost everything in her room, computer privileges and the camera, she will finally start thinking about how she talks to her sister and how she acts.
When she is taking a break from being Broomhilda, compliment her for what she does well. Try hard to find at least 3 compliments a day. At least once a week, take her out somewhere by herself - just Mom and daughter. She needs one-on-one time with you, even if she doesn't want it (or even if you don't want it right now.) DON'T yell for her to knock something off. Get up and go to her and tell her to stop - no saying that you'll knock her block off (sorry if I'm not understanding Broomhilda and the knock her block off thing.) The point is, that she will start talking like that if you do it to her.
If you keep working on this, without losing your temper, without giving up, without acting like you are losing control, it will get better.
And again, get rid of her bed. For Heaven's sake. No one said a kid has to have anything to sleep on except a mattress. Big statement here, Mom.
Good luck,
Dawn
It may be a phase, but I wouldn't let it go on much longer. You need to have serious conversations with her when she's not acting poorly. Do some role playing to show her how she looks when she acts that way. That sheer embarrassment may help. I'd seek any help I could get from the school counselor or even a paid counselor too.
As the youngest of three, I had two brothers who treated me this way. I absolutely hated my life because of them before I was even 10 years old. A lot of it probably had to do with my dad's similar behavior towards my mom and us. I have virtually no relationship with them to this day other than saying Hi at family get togethers. Just want you to know what the future could hold for your kids if this doesn't resolve.
It sounds to me like you tell them to 'knock her block off' but won't discipline her. Not good in my thinking. The older child probably feels like the younger two get more attention and she is trying to get your attention for herself too. I would spend special time with her and not mentioning one negative thing she does or did during that time. Make it your time alone not with the other two girls. I know the two younger girls seem to be a year apart or so if 8 and 9 so they are closer in age and school, etc. She has nobody at home I guess close to her age. Try to help her keep busy and let her do more grown up things around the house than the younger two. You should not attack this by words or letting them work it out in mean ways.
whoa whoa whoa take everything away? confinement? or give her nothing but love and nurturing and understanding? I know plenty of 11 year olds and if they acted like this its because they are either bullied or being made fun of at school or they are bored. Find out what's going on at school and enroll her in some club or sports.I would also find out if she acts like that to her siblings at school. In the meantime, you need to take the focus off her and let her see she isn't the only one in the household - there are 4 other people who live there and she needs to see you can live peaceably and respectfully with each other. Let her know if she is going to act like a child then she will be treated like a child.
Oh, and I'm a Christian and I believe in spanking.
Hey! When my kids went thru the fussing stage, the only thing I could think about was how much it hurt me. I pulled each of them aside and spoke to them privately about how much I loved them and that each of them filled up ALL my heart. I asked if I would EVER allow someone to be mean to them? Of course, they said no and I agreed. I told them they were a part of me even before they were born in my tummy and for their brother or sister to be mean to them broke my heart because I loved them so much and it was like hurting a part of me. LUCKY FOR ME!! .. this hit them in the heart and mind!! I told them that if they love me like I love them, they would work really hard on being kind to each other and treating each other with love so we could all be happy. Sooo glad it helped and worked quickly for us. Oh .. I have two sisters and we used to fuss also but could not be closer now that we are all grown and moms ourselves!
For so many kids, those "tween" years can be pretty miserable. It was when I was in 5th grade that kids at school really started being mean to each other, picking on each other for really small reasons, but basically establishing the pecking order. It can be a very difficult time, as kids can really start to feel like they don't belong and can noticed every little thing about themselves that might be "different" and just feel really, really crummy.
My guess is she really needs to feel your love and needs to feel like she's special. She needs positive attention and maybe some one-on-one time. This is just such a confusing age. I would try to find the time to take her out for icecream or something. Do something with her. Talk to her about school and things that she cares about and really try to listen to what's going on in her life.
Obviously you don't want the bad behavior to continue. I'm just suggesting you excuse it, I just think she really needs to know that Mom loves her and is in her corner.
Time to nave a good talk with H without the little ones around. Go out for an ice cream and gently but firmly lay down the law.
What do youmean you can't get to her under the bed? If need be tear the room up and get her. Let her know that you are the boss and follow through on your discipline. When there is a problem you need to get in the middle of it and find who did what to whom? Then discipline in love not in anger.
Could it be now that the oldest one never wanted the younger two around resentment? She has to compete with the little ones for your attention and does not know how to express herself. Help her learn to do this. Find her after shool activities.
Hold on but know that the younge two are watching to see what they can do when they hit that age. The tween/early teen years, ugh.
The other S.
