I Feel Abandoned

They sound like they are not a functional family for you, with very little to offer you. Try to find support and friendship outside of them.

Hi C.,

I am sorry that your family has decided to operate based on fear and secrecy instead of love and acceptance - such a bitter pill to swallow.

To answer your questions
How can you get them to take any interest in their grandchildren and nephews. You can't. They have decided they want to miss out and there is nothing you can do.
How can you get them to help? You can't. Don't ask and don't expect them to help you. Find services elsewhere - if money is an issue than find another mom who can 'trade out' sleepovers so you each get a break once month or whatever.
Why do they want to hurt you like this? They don't WANT to hurt you. Their reactions actually have NOTHING to do with you. They aren't even thinking about the impact on you because they are focused on themselves.

You need to focus on YOU and your kids. Do not focus or use one more ounce of your precious time and energy on them.

I have dealt with having expectations of a family who continually disappoints you. Cut ties with them. Build your own 'family' out of people who have the same moral values and lifestyles that you have. If you continue to try to stay involved your older son will only build more resentment because he is 'learning' this behavior from THEM.

I am so sorry - this is a hard situation. But you must build an environment of acceptance around your family - anyone who doesn't accept you and your family 'as is' can GET OUT!!!!!!

Good Luck and I wish you peace with this situation!

B.

Cut 'em off. They are of no use to you. They are "toxic" people and will infect your children. They certainly are not your "village". Hopefully your son will learn from this that just because people are blood, that doesn't mean that they are family.

Honestly... I'd never speak to my parents or brother again if they did that to me and my children. I would never send them a card, never call them and definitely never see them.

I can understand why you still want to be part of their 'family' but after their obvious disrespect, callousness and intentional hurt of you and your children - you shouldn't still crave to be with such a bunch of heartless ignorant assholes.

Let your eldest know... people like that are not to be tolerated and to not blame his brother on the inadequacies of his 'family'.

I'm really really sorry for your situation. I cannot imagine parents acting that way in regards to a child and grandchildren -ESPECIALLY when one of the grandchildren has severe special needs. Unfortunately because they do act like this, you need to sever all ties with them. They're not going to change, and they're only going to continue to make you and your children feel terrible. Just because you're related to them doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. They obviously don't want one with you -and I know that stings -but you need to transition from being hurt by them to being angry at them so you can finally get past all of it and move on. If I were you I would tell my oldest that because they were not nice -and in fact really mean -we weren't going to be part of that family any more. All you get from them is heartache, and who needs that?

And be honest with your oldest -if he says anything else about hating the youngest because of the trip, tell him straight up that it has nothing to do with his sibling -it's because they're thoughtless and cruel -and that's why you aren't going to be around them any more. The very fact that they would lie about a genetic disorder like that and possibly kept my child from early intervention or care would have marked them off my list.

I am so sorry this has happened. Families should pull together especially when there is a special needs child. This is their loss not yours! Frankly, they sound like terrible people.
I suspect your older child's resentment is because of things he has heard you say. I would not let this behavior/resentment continue since I assume you want to raise a kind, thoughtful,well adjusted man.
I think you should ask yourself why you still want your extended family to take your older child even though they show little to no interest in your family. You can not change their behavior but you can change the way your son looks at it. If it was me, I would rather see my son angry at the extended family and not his brother who is a defenseless child with special needs. Take care!

Wow!!!! I would discontinue contact with the family...Set boundaries ! This blows me away about how unhealthy and cold they are....! Protect both of your children from this obnoxious behavior. Contentrate on creating your own trips and fun. Stay in contact with family who cares...How about on your DH side? Is there family that is supportive. Look for Mom's groups that you can network with and build a relationship with. Is there a group that you can connect with regarding the disorder your son has??? Your older boy should not be angry at your youngest. It is not his fault for being special needs nor is it yours....Stop communicating with poisonous people....! I know it hurts because they are family but you don't need that.

Find a new family. They aren't worth your upset.

Wow-they sound like awful people. I just hope you get a chance to witness the karmic boomerang that will surely hit them one day.

Can you get with the cousins with the disorder your son has family members? They are likely to be more understanding and supportive. Fashion a new family that doesn't include your immediate members.

I'm very sorry for your situation. What is your husband's family like? Do you have a support group that you are a part of for your 2nd child's disorder?

I wish there was some magic dust I could sprinkle on your family for you, but to answer your question, you can't do anything to get them to take an interest in their grandchildren and nephews. You can't get them to help. You can't make other adults do what you want. So don't beat yourself up thinking that YOU have done anything wrong or are ABLE to do something that you are not doing that would change their behavior. It isn't within your power to control. It is terrible that they are treating your family this way, or rather, that they have removed themselves from your lives as they have. But that is what they have done, removed themselves. You didn't do it. So you can't un-do it. I don't think they are intentionally hurting you.. I think they are trying to protect themselves... distancing themselves from any hurt or responsibility that might come their way down the line. It is selfish. But again, not within the bounds of your control.

Do they live close by? That would make it more painful on your kids for sure. Where is your husband's family? Can you strengthen your relationship with his family?
Very sorry your family is behaving this way.

I'm so sorry your family is being so heartless. Unfortunately theres nothing you can to do "make" them take an interest in your kids. It's really their loss -- they don't sound like the type of people you want influencing your children honestly. I know that doesn't change the fact that it hurts b/c its family and for that, I'm really sorry. But you need to focus your energies onto moving on without your family so that they can't keep disappointing and hurting you. Best wishes and hugs...

I don't have any answers either but I'm so sorry to hear your situation. That's just horrible of your family. I don't know how you can change them and I suppose my feelings are hurtful - but I'd certainly never help them if they need it in the future. I think I'd tell my parents that hopefully when they're really old and need your help, they know not to expect a thing... I would turn to church groups or any support groups out there for families w/ your son's disorder. And hopefully your husband's family is not like yours.

This is one of the most awful and tragic things I have ever read. I am so sorry about your family. I think you need to form your own "family" of close, loving, and supportive friends and cut your other family out of your life. There is a saying about not expecting water from a dry well - your family is a dry well, so please do not expend energy trying to get them to be decent people...it honestly seems beyond them. Go to where you can get what you need, and I wish you, your husband, and children much happiness!

You don't say how old your children are, but if the youngest is under three, he absolutely should be getting Early Intervention, and you might be eligible for Respite care as well, which might give you some special time with your older son or just a break for yourself. Is your kids' dad in the picture? Does he have family?

It is very difficult to let go of family, but it doesn't seem like your family is there for you, and your job now is to protect your kids from anything that might hurt them. Your parents and brother sound very selfish and unable to think of other people. Your oldest son doesn't need to know about this sort of ugliness, he needs you to protect him. You can explain to him that grownups make bad decisions sometimes, but you aren't going to let them ruin your fun, so plan some fun things together. If you can plan a Disney trip, do it! If you can't afford this, there are lots of fun things to do in Chicago and there are nearby amusement parks. Make sure you are making the most of your city.

As for your family, I would stop expecting anything of them. If it doesn't cause you too much pain, you can continue to include them in your celebrations, like birthday parties, or family outings, but make sure that you will be OK whether or not they attend. Make new friends. Try not to expect anything of your family, and maybe they will be able to have some limited contact with you. I suspect they feel inadequate, not prepared to care for a special needs child, and unfortunately, they are running away instead of trying to learn how to do better. Sad, but let it go. You can't control them, you can control your family life with your boys.

how sad! i can see why you're upset with it, however, keep in mind that you cannot MAKE even blood family love your now immediate family (kids and spouses). what i would've told my other child after that comment is that's ok hun, we're still a family with or without them mommy will make sure YOU go on special trips too. Even if trips are not as "big" still take him, even if it's just camping for the weekend (kids love that).

my dh's family does that too, they will plan a trip schedule to car pool and all, but me and my dh and kids are always left out of the equation besides an occasional "are you going". Also, because I'm working full time and going to school full time i barely have time to wipe my (*(*)(, his mom will call on Sunday's (when everyone gets together for games at mil's house) asking "why do you guys think you're too good for us any more" getting old hearing that (the road goes both ways, i rarley talk to her-having a bday party for my dd this weekend and no they did not get the memo, cause they never come when we DO invite them-their loss) the ONLY time i don't make someone make half the attempt is those who are sick or helping take care of the sick ones

love your kids and take them on YOUR OWN special trips :)

It would be wonderful to have a family that would shower your children with love and care but that just isn't where your family is. Yes it is painful and yes it hurts but you also have to adjust your expectations to line up with your current reality. Why don't you try reaching out to those family member's with a child or children that have the same thing you child has? They may have some wisdom and help for you in the way of support.

Maybe your family is hurting because they really don't have the compassion on the inside of them to really help you. Hurt people, hurt people but you can't let their short comings cause you to fall short in your character. We all have family. We don't get to choose the family we are born into but we do get to pick our friends. I would strongly suggest pick friends that can be closer than family. I have some really great ones through my church and worship experiences.

You can't change your family's perspective on this matter, so really stop trying and love them for who they are and where they are and find friends that can fill that void in your life or try looking to your family that you have more in common with.

I would concern myself with my son that wants to vacation in Disney and try to make the a possibility for him without your family's involvement. My son has gone on some amazing trips with his best friend (an only child). I just saved up the money and sent him with them. It has been a great experience and I trust them with him. Perhaps an opportunity will open up for your son like that or your could plan and save for Disney next year. Figure out how much it will cost and save that amount to get to that time of year to make that trip.

I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Sometimes it's just about cutting out the things that are negative in your life, and moving on, doing the best with what you are given. You can't get them to take an interest, just like you can't get them to help. I do think it's important for your son to express to his grandparents how hurt he is, and they need to understand the pain they cause. Have him write them a letter, or contact them on the phone. They need to know their thoughtlessness has consequences. And just because they refuse to see him (or either of them), they can't ignore the fact that they he/they both exist and have feelings.
Again, I am so sorry. I wish I could hug you!

Geez...I'm not sure I have an answer but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your family is treating you and your children this way. Not a good situation. I have a bucket full of problems but my family is good to me and my daugter. I have no idea what I would do w/o them. It doesn't sound like they have any plans on changing and it's hard when you're a mom to take ppl being nasty to your kids but if these were strangers would you tolerate this? At this point you have nothing to lose by really conforting them and least get some answers and if need be closure. I don't live in Chgo but we do go there to hangout with my dad who does live there. If you ever need help and I can do it I would love to help. It's tough and it can be very isolating at times but you are not alone.

Oh, this is so hard. Family is supposed to be there for you, not act like a clique that excludes someone who should belong. They are not thinking of you. They are thinking of themselves. They are embarassed about the genetic disorder that has popped up in your youngest child. My guess is, since it's a big "family secret" that they feel like this disorder somehow tarnishes their image and don't want to be associated with it. For the Disney trip, they didn't want to have to deal with the disorder, be around it, or have it associated with them.
Like the other posters have said, you can't make them take an interest in their grandchildren and nephews. You can't get them to help. And they aren't set out to hurt you, they are selfishly trying to protect their image/status/etc. So you have a choice -- you can distance yourself from them and instead build a closer relationship with the families of the cousins that share the disorder (I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd bet they've been treated the same way by the family) or build strong friendship ties for yourself. Focus more on your husband's family and build relationships with them.
It stinks to no end that your family is treating you this way. As a parent of a special needs kid you should be getting their support and help instead of more grief over this. Good luck to you!

I agree with pretty much everyone else's response in that you need to step away from toxic family, and turn towards friends who care and love you the way you need. I also want to say, gee you get cards for birthdays and holidays from family? That's more than we get from my husband's side of the family. Things were never real terrific with them as I was sure they felt I took their son away, but when our daughtger was diagnoses with type 1 diabetes at 12 years old, they pretty much disowned us. My mother in law told us she was creeped out and it made her sick to be near people who had to do shots so she would rather not be around us and our kids. Can you imagine that? Well, true to her word, she hasn't sent a card or gift since. Neither of my kids receive anything from her or the rest of her family. Birthdays, holidays..nothing. Graduating high school was ignored, college degrees, on the dean's list, and graduating with honors was never acknowledged for our son,( who doesnt even have diabetes,) and even the birth of a healthy baby girl with our daughter never made an impact on them. They go on trips with other grand kids, buy them gifts, cars, everything, but nothing for my kids. In turn, I still send announcements and cards when I should, but my husband doesn't ever call to talk to his M., or siblings, unless I remind him on Christmas or Mother's Day. She never asks about our daughter in these phone calls, and if my husband mentions her, she will change the subject. It's hard to get him to want to talk to his own M. now. Sometimes he won't. So I sure understand your position and it did hurt for a long time. I just had to form better relationships with friends and other relatives who we could count on. My sister is terrific, my brothers are great, my dad is fine, and my friends would do anything for us. Before she passed away, my M. was the best long distance grama ever. So you take what you have, and make it your family. Don't let bood type determine who you have in your life.