Grandparents Treating Grandsons Differently

I can see both sides of this - but specifically regarding the Disney trip - I think the 6 year should go... At age 2 what is he going to get out of it. A 6 year old can at least ride more rides and won't be limited to all the kiddy rides. Plus I wouldn't want to worry about a new potty trained 2 yr old. I think you should let Grandma and Grandpa enjoy time at Disay with a 6 year old. JMO

But again - I see both sides of it. I wouldn't like how they are treating unfairly other times and would mention this to them.

I would talk to them about it. Ask them why. If they disagree, ask them what they do to show interest and love to this child.

It's really important to work on this with them.

Good luck,
Dawn

was there any controversy surrounding the 2 year old? are they supportive of your marriage, and do they like your husband? It could be not the child itself, but the circumstances surrounding the baby. They closed there hearts to the child at the time because of something non related to him. That happens often. If nothing bothered them, then I would be bothered. Here is another question. Why have you not talked to them about it? They would better answer you than strangers, they are your parents. Time to ask them, really ask. NO accusations, no finger pointing, or raised voices, just a one on one. Why dont you like my 2 year old? Maybe their answer will surprise you, or hurt you. Though you will know why finally and take steps to correct that.

It sounds like the grandparents do not want to take the kids together. Which I can understand, it is much harder to deal with two kids for two aged people and of, course the younger one will get most of the attention.
I have a bit similar situation, my Mother loves my older son but has no interest in the little guy (but that is her style - she always liked guys who needed her love, dotting and made her very tired). That kinds worries me because my brother was her favorite of all tree kids and he is the biggest looser. My In laws do not give a hoot about either one of the kids. They are "madly in love" with themselves respectively (not the other person) and care only about themselves.
So, that said, I let Grandma spoil the big boy as much as she likes, he loves he very much and she will forgive him anything. Makes my job a lot easier. When I feel he needs a lot of pep talk and someone to lift his self esteem - here comes Grandma. When they are together I spend some wonderful time together with my youngest one on one :)
As far as my INLs - they get to observe everything from the distance, hope they will have fond memories when they will hold their hands in the nursing home where they will be finally free from all these silly familial obligations.
I'd say, let the 6 y/o go to Disney World with grandparents, he will have a blast. The 2 y/o is too young to even notice. You'll have some one-on-one with him, how often does that happen? It is win-win situation.

Going through the same thing... there is no way to force them to care about your younger child. I don't understand Grandparents that play favorites like this. It breaks my kids hearts. Esp. my 5y. Their cousin is the 'chosen' one.

As for the Disney trip, my inlaws wanted to take my nephew to Disney summer 2010. Asked if my son could come along. That's how they put it. "We want to take ___ to Disney, he's excited. Can ___ come along to?' Like my kid would be there to make sure that 'chosen' would have someone to play with, be on the plane with, etc.

I said, nope. There is no way my kid is going to Disney for the first time without me, and I am not going to Disney with just one kid. So, if you want my son so that nephew can/will go, then its a package deal of all of us.
I wouldn't cave, so they flew all 4 of us (7 total with them an nephew) to Disney.

I would talk to them about it, but say it in such a way that they don't feel attacked. Say "i'm feeling like you treat boy 2 differently and it makes me sad for him, it would be nice if he could be included in such activities etc." My mom treats all my kids differently than my sister's kids, partly because we live 400 miles away and my sister lives next door to her (literally). I just try to have fun with my kids and hope that they are getting something from me that they are missing with their grandmother.

Well as far as Disney goes, your 6 yo is the perfect age to enjoy it but your 2 yo will not get anything from it and may even be scared of the characters and would probably be a lot of work for them. I would let them take the 6 yo alone and spoil him. As for the mistreatment between the two, I totally get it. My 5 yo son is ignored by his grandparents but my SILs son who is also 5 is lavished with attention. Supposedly it is because he lived with them for 2 yrs. It is hard but my son doesn't see it yet. My 8 yo daughter does and it is really starting to affect their relationship. Instead of the package deal that you suggested, I would suggest insisting that they spend equal time with the kids at separate times.

I do understand how they had time to form a closer bond with the oldest and that he is much easier on them as he is able to do basic functions for himself (eat, bathroom, etc.). I would let them take him to Disney as the younger one will probably not get anything out of it BUT they need to come up with something to do 1 on 1 with the younger one. What about Sea World or even just a day at the beach? It doesn't have to be as "grand" as Disney. If you don't insist on them spending time with the younger one, they will never bond and that will be sad for him and them esp since you yourself said what great people they are. My grandparents did this with me and my brother (yes, they took him to Disney and not me b/c I was little - 4 at the time and WAY into Disney princesses but it didn't matter) - him being the older, favorite and it was very hurtful to me. Disney was just 1 example in a LOOOONNNNGGGG line of examples. Don't let your baby feel like 2nd fiddle forever.

Apart from asking them to show interest, affection towards your younger son, there is little you can do.

Be careful of the consequences of the plan you are contemplating:
If you force the little one on them, insisting that the boys are a package deal, and they haven't actually had a change of heart or mind on how they feel towards the younger one, he might get basic care/ supervision, but not lavished with love and attention. That might actually only serve to heighten the disparate treatment and make it more hurtful to both boys.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

ok so I am a grandparent and I totally understand your parents. It's not that they dont' love the little one its that they don't want to mess with a little one on a trip. My mom would deal with my daughter (6 years older than my next child) she would take her for days on end. but the boys not so much. they were in diapers, needed playpens, highchairs, carseats etc... a lot more mess and hassle. You should ask your mom and dad "are you planning on doing the same type of trip in a few years for the younger ones?" if they say no then you have to decide if your going to let the older one go. But he should not be penalized because the younger one can't go. Are you one of those moms who only allows your son to go to birthday parties if the siblings are invited to? is this really because you want some time free from both kids? I love my grandkids but love them one on one and yes they are all the same family. my daughters kids are 11,9 and7 there have been times in the past 11 years where I have taken just the older one, just the middle one or just the older 2 or younger 2 depends on what it is and what it includes. a trip to disney for a 2 year old is a big expense and a lot of work for your parents that the 2 year old won't remember.

It is probably because the 6 year old can do more and understand more.

You may need to let them know that it creates too many hard feelings to leave one out. Perhaps you could offer to split the cost or help pay for the younger one. It may be hard for them to handle more than one kid and they've bonded more with the older one.

I know this happens with oldest kids, especially since there are quite a few years between the first and second. It's hard to develop that close relationship with subsequent children.

If there are huge differences in gifts, that would be a good issue to bring up.

But, it seems pretty reasonable that they'd only want to take the 6yo on trips (I assume they are not taking the 1yo granddaughter). 2 year olds are a pain to travel with and take places. They are a LOT more work than 6 year olds, and it's understandable that the grandparents wouldn't want to take that on.

Now, if this continues when your youngest turns 4 or 5 (or whatever age he starts to become easier), then you have an issue that you need to address with them. Maybe they can take your youngest on a special trip when he is old enough to be easier.

Hi, C.:

Tell them how you feel about their showing love for
the 6 year old and you don't feel they love your 2 year old.
(Or something that you think of.)
Find out what their feelings are.

About trying to control them to make them accept your 2 year old is another
story.

There are always reasons why people do the things they do.
Find out what their reasons are.

You report that you moved away 2 years ago from them. That sounds like the time you had your 2 year old. They didn't get a chance to bond because you were away. I don't know the reason but just assessing the situation. You got married to another man and moved away, that affects relationships.

Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.

the best thing to do ( since i assume someone has already tried to talk to the grandparents about this ) is to simply say ok, ( here is a look at things years from now....the older the favored child gets, the bigger the gifts, the more he will expect, and the less he will appreciate WHAT he gets )while the less favored child will get less, if anything, from the grandparents, not to worry, the less favored child will wise up, and not want to be bothered with the grandparents, while the other child will grow dependent on the gifts, and will soon be demanding more then even the deep pocketed grandparents can afford. in the meantime, let the less favored child know that they are loved, not by the pricetag on the toys he is given, but by one on one time with family members OTHER then the grandparents that dont have the time for him
K. h.

i can understand your concern, but i'd back off. getting the kids shouldn't be a package deal, especially if they have a strong relationship with your older boy. it may just be that as they get older, younger kids are more difficult for them. now that i'm not momming full time any more, i find i adore infants and teens, with limited interest in the intervening years.
i would address the gift situation with them. the little one is getting old enough to notice that big brother gets presents and he doesn't, and that's not okay.
but your boys are different beings, and your parents naturally have different relationships with them. it's okay to allow that.
khairete
S.

If your parents are truly showing NO interest in the 2 year old, then yeah, I would have a bit of an issue, also. If however, they just don't want to take a 2 year old on vacation with them but would love to take a 6 year old....well....I can completely understand that. I'm actually curious as to why you can't? Kids are actually not a package deal when their ages are spread out & you have a baby, or a toddler vs. a mostly self-sufficient kid.

Ok first of all they should be equal with their love...the children will notice. Kids are very savy. If they are bringing a toy for one child bring a toy for both. Or every other visit take turns with the presents.
Now if they had been treating them equal from the beginning I would not have had a problem with them taking my one child to Disney and not the other. I love Disney but taking anyones child that is not your own is expensive and a big respondiblity (sp wr) Plus taking a 6 yr is much easier than taking the 2 yr.
I would sit down and tell your parents you expect them them to treat your kids equally. However that doesnt mean they cant do something one on one with each of them separtely.Tell you parents both of your kids adore your parents and both want to spend time with them.Sometimes what is obvious to us is not others. Maybe they are so attached to your oldest child they have a hard time thinking of another child?? That being said my grandparents loves us all equally.