I Don't Know My Son :(

I'm so sorry you're in pain about this. I think you can try and know him more, as best you can, even non-verbally, as you continue to work with specialists on his verbal skills. I know you're bummed, but it is not all verbal. There are so many ways through touch, through pointing things out, etc.

I agree with Mum4ever. My son was almost 2 before he really talked much. Follow his lead, I really think you can read his mind. Im pretty good at mind reading the 3 month old. I feel like Im getting to know her well already. He doesnt need to talk for this.

Sometimes the hardest relationships are the most worthwhile ones.
Think of it this way: He's got a lot to teach you.
Be a good student. :)

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. My nephew did not have intelligible speech until he was 4 yrs old. It was definitely a difficult time for his parents, and sad for our whole family that he was so frustrated because he knew no one could understand him. However...we all knew him very well. I have an acquaintance who speaks A LOT, yet I don't really know her. Before each of my sons could speak, I knew them. I heard somewhere that 90% of communication is non-verbal. I know that you can get to know your baby boy too. Does he grunt and growl in different tones (higher pitched and happy sounding, lower and mad sounding)? Different volumes? What are his facial expressions? What is his body posture (turned away, reaching towards, etc)? Listen with your heart instead of your ears. When he hugs you and cuddles on your lap, he's telling you "I love you Mom." When you take something away from him and his face crumples and he cries, he's telling you "That's not fair! I want that!" When he doesn't drink his sippy cup whenever it has grape juice in it, he's telling you "I don't really like that flavor." Or if he drinks all juice equally enthusiastically, he's telling you "I just love juice! Grape is my favorite, and apple is my favorite, and orange is my favorite...!" When he gobbles down his meal, he's saying "I liked that food." When he throws the remainder of the food onto the floor, he's saying "I'm done eating now." You don't say if there's any other developmental problems besides speech (such as autism). If there's nothing else going on, then you can start getting to know him immediately. Think about how he responds to different things and try to spot any patterns. However, if there is more to the story which is causing an inability to communicate non-verbally as well, then you have my sympathy.

Think about Helen Keller. She couldnt see nor hear. Annie Sullivan loved her and got to know her very well as she taught her how to cope in a sighted, hearing world. I bet you know your son more than moms with children that DO speak. Think about it.

added: (You are with your mom right now right? She's probably freaking you out).

only 20% of communication is verbal. you do know your son. :-)

Can you try to teach him some basic sign language to help him communicate better? Have you spoken with your pediatrician about his difficulties to see what they suggest?

Don't feel bad!
Doesn't he communicate in other ways? My second child was a late speaker, but she was very good at pointing and grunting and smiling and laughing and crying and shaking her head no. I bet you read all kinds of subtle clues from him without him actually saying anything. Like I'm sure you can tell what his favorite foods are just by what he seems to enjoy eating the most.
We communicate with our children in so many ways, and they with us, it's not all verbal.
You are probably just getting frustrated because you want him to start talking already so you can actually have a conversation with him. He WILL get there :)

My daughter was the same exact way. We first went through the Birth to Three Program through our county and she just was not progressing like we would have, so we switched to a Speech Therapist within our Dr's Office. They diagnosed her with Apraxia. She then started very intense speech therapy. Our speech therapist recommended a book (The Late Talker) to read, so that we understood what our daughter was going through. Very informative!

Best of Luck!!

My sis never spoke due to being special needs and having Rett Syndrome. I knew her very well, you just get to know a person who doesn't talk in a different way. Your girls might be so helpful as well bc children know each other differently. You could even ask, 'what drink do you think Roman wants?' We used to hold up movie cases for my sis and say 'do you want Cinderella or Lion King?' then watch which one she fixed her eyes on. Now of course she had a lot of issues, and I spent a life time getting to know her, so I had time on my side :) But I know that my friend has a two year old who doesn't talk yet and they are working on it and he also gets really frustrated but she just keeps persevering and can read him pretty well. Hang in there, it sounds like you are working hard at this and he is still really young...wish you the best!

Oh R.---

HUGE hugs!!

You are roman's mom...YOU know all that is important for him!!

If I may...I have to say that you were 'stressed' about this beach vacation before it even happened...

Secondly...he has a friggin' cast on!

ALL of you...(the girls...YOU...your mom...) are stressed...

RELAX!

Even 'if' roman NEVER speaks 'out loud'...YOU will 'hear' him...

I say this...not to 'coddle' you...but as a mom...with a child...who has 'few' spoken words.

SHE speaks VOLUMES!!

Roman will as well...

In whatever way he 'needs' to speak...YOU will HEAR him...

GUARANTEE it.

Might be sign...might be 'intonation'..might be he draws pictures...might be he speaks aloud! (and probably will be...)

BUT...YOU...as his mom...will 'hear' him....

Best Luck!
Michele/cat

Dear R.,
I know you will receive plenty of sweet and encouraging responses for your situation.

I just wanted to say your post made me sad for both you and your little guy.

In my humble experience I think that the majority of our communication is non-verbal.

I don't need words to communicate with my children over what their favorite juice or activity is. I can hold them close, hum and feel connected. I feel close during bath time and rubbing lotion on them and brushing their teeth and reading a book and rolling on the ground and rocking and looking at the stars and airplanes. I am happy eating in silence and just looking and smiling at them.

I hope your frustration eases soon and you develop other non-verbal ways to communicate.

Does he have hearing problems?

Maybe you could at least get him to nod or shake his head in response if he at least understands yes and no questions.. The whole family could start doing this with the words yes and no.. He may then learn this body language.

I am sorry you are feeling this loss, but with help I am sure you will be able to figure out some sort of communications.

I have heard many people say their children who are extremely bright, just would not speak until as late as almost 4 and then they spoke in full sentences..

Who else would know him better? You know him, you just dont hear him yet. I think 20 months is still young for a big vocabulary and many of my daycare kids were grunting and smiling at 2 and then later found words. You have older kids. Are they giving him what he wants so he has no need to talk? Are you meeting all his needs and he is easy going so he wants for nothing and doesnt have a complaint? When he goes to speech therapy, do they work with him alone, or with you? Maybe he would talk to them if you arent in the same room. I dont know how they do the therapy but a young girl in my daycare, years ago, wasnt talking to her parents at about 2yrs old. She said words to me, but not them. They tended to coddle her and give her every little thing the instant they came in the door, such as a pacifer when she hadnt had one all day with me. They stuffed it in her mouth and then started asking her all about her day, and before she could try to say anything, theyd answer for her. So of course she never talked to them. But, she talked to me because I would ask her to say things and wait for her to repeat words or ask for the milk, or toy, or cookie. She talked fine for a 2 yr old. They had her in therapy for a short time but when the therapist realized who had the real problem, he pointed out what the parents were doing and it made all the difference in the world. I had another little guy who wouldnt talk much. He would whisper to me as if he was shy and imbarrassed. Hed say something and then hide behind me sorta like he didnt want anyone to know he said it. His parents were just waiting for him to come out of his shell and one day at about 4yrs old, he finally for the first time, waved bye to them when they left that morning. He had never waved! And that day he started talking. He just had to wait till he wanted to do it and it changed his world. He had perfect speech, great vocabulary and sentance formation all in a few days time. He went on to be a great student, top honors in HS, validictorian, scholorships for sports and academics, and just this year earned his bachelor degree. Hes still a rather shy young man, but when he talks its worth listening to. So, dont give up, dont get too down on yourself. Your little guy will catch on and let loose soon enough. Watch and see if the other kids are helping too much, and give him a chance to use his voice. But mostly dont worry about not knowing him. He knows you. That matters a lot.

are you being too hard on yourself? You are with him daily, you are serving him daily...if he didn't like any of it, wouldn't he be tossing it? Even if he can't speak, I'm sure he's expressing himself! Maybe, just maybe, part of his speech issues are the result of his absolute trust in you as a Mom....?? what do you think?

It truly sounds as if you're doing all you can do at this time...keep up with the methods you're using & maybe things will lighten up.

Next question: how much of your angst is coming from his injury & how you felt when it happened....& the days since? Doing vacation with all of this may have really triggered your emotions! I wish you a very Peaceful night!

My girl didn't really start talking until after her second birthday. Maybe only like 20 words at best before that, no sentences, and none of them were very clear. She hit a word explosion after her second b-day and went straight to sentences. I was completely blown away.
One of the biggest tools I used with her was,Trial and Error. She always finishes the apple juice, but only takes a few sips of the white grape juice. She cries....hugs don't help, she's not injured, her diaper is dry, she threw her sippy...ohhhh she's reaching for the goldfish...she's hungry. An example of more depth to the non communication we had...she started reaching for the goldfish in the pantry...I pull out the cheese ones, and she begins to throw a fit. At that moment I realized she recognizes and see's the small brown bag on the shelf are the chocolate goldfish! When all else fails lift them up and see what they grab for!
I also gave her options. If I grab a pair of shoes and she's kicking and crying and pulling the laces...maybe she doesn't want those shoes. So the next time I let her choose between 2 pairs. Other then that, I paid close attention to her facial expressions, and body movements.
I bet you don't even realize how much you communicate with your son. Don't beat yourself up because you don't know what his fav's are....those are going to change all the time. The most important thing is that you're there trying to figure them out!
Hang in there, it'll get better. =)

So sorry R.. You sound like a great mom! So don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing everything you can.
My youngest son didn't speak any intelligible words until he was well over 2 years old. He also had sensory issues. I was so worried, too. At 17, he just passed 3 AP exams and is an amazing artist! I am sure your son will turn out to be awesome, too. Actually, I be he is already.
Victoria

I've felt that way. My son has a speech and language delay, and did not talk til he was two years old( a few words). It was very sad for me. Everyone else had these babies saying mama, and talking, and mine gurgled and used jargon. We used a lot of visual aids, eye contact, body language to help. It did. Early intervention helped, specialists, speech pathologists, occupational therapists, etc all have helped. He now is 7, and does not stop talking. He speaks clearly, and forms multiple sentences,etc. He still requires a speech and language therapist in school, and has an IEP. However, he has come leaps and bounds since those days.

I remember where you are right now. I had a lot of emotional outbursts, and felt very guilty. Trust me, he loves you, and knows you love him. It was very hard during times when we were potty training, as well when he was wet and couldn't tell us. It was very frustrating. Visual aids helped, along with reading. We used the Elmo doll for potty training, as it was a visual cue, and he loved Elmo. I had a harder time when he was sick, and had to try to see where he was hurting, if his throat was sore, tummy hurt/ and where. Pointing to body parts helped. It gets better though.

I have been struggling with a toddler that has speech issues as well. We have 3 kids, ages 2, 5, and 8. Our older 2 were talking full sentences by 16 mths. It was fun to spend time with them, to interact with them. Our son on the other hand has had chronic ear infections, fluid build up, possible food allergies (we're working on that right now) and he has been so different, so difficult a lot of the time. There are times when he will use words for what he wants, needs. Other times he starts crying and gets very frustrated with me. I feel like I can't do anything right for him, it feels horrible. I know exactly how you feel! Hang in there, I will too :)

I would consider counseling for myself, to work through these feelings. It might help you a great deal. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with you - just that sometimes it helps to talk with someone to get to the root of our feelings and how to best cope with them, so that we can be the most effective parents possible.

You are living my life. Two years ago I was in the same boat. You DO know your son but just in a different way than the other kids. You'll be AMAZED what therapy will do for him.

EVERYBODY gave me a hard time when we started therapy at 19 months old. Now he has made HUGE gains and I barely remember that time. Keep working with him and give him lots of hugs. HUGS say it all in my world. I can get thru a LOT with a good quality hug and kids are no different.

I was told a million times by teachers and therapists as long as you're working on the issue at home and thru therapy it'll be FINE. Just give it TIME.

I cried MANY nights thinking about what I could or should be doing but as the days go on, things did get better. I just came across the list I was keeping on the fridge of the words he was saying so I could tell the doctor and his therpists and LAUGHED.

He's Mr. Chatterbox now and have to tell him to "hold his bubble" until my head can take it all in. He's like me, get ALL your thoughts out ALL at once.

This WILL get better. You'll be the LAST to notice it though. In a few months if someone that hasn't seen him during that time WILL comment how well your son is doing. THAT always floored me. :)

This will be fine, give it and YOURSELF time. If I can get thru this YOU sure can!

The sign language is an excellent tool. Definitely watch for his own variations of the signs. If you can, listen for his own variations of words too. He might start making grunts with different tones and gutteral differences.

My girls were all early talkers, but my middle daughter (the one with Autism) regressed with her speech and although she didn't lose her comprehension (that we could tell) she simply stopped talking much. It was crying, grunting, squeaking, and signing.

I spoke to her in a running commentary nonstop. I think I did that with all of my girls anyway, but I did it intentionally with G constantly. I narrated our day together and what I was doing. I narrated her day. I named every freaking object in sight. I asked her questions in a conversational way and paused as if I truly expected her to answer me and sometimes she did... either with signs or words sounds.

I didn't realize how much of our communication was through body language, though, until someone pointed it out. I was responding to her needs such as hunger and diaper changes based on her body language and facial expressions and had been since birth. There were a lot of times she didn't have to cry at all because I was reading her cues before she got to the point of crying. As soon as she was able to sign, I would have her point out between choices in the grocery store. Pears of apples? Bananas or peaches? Cinnamon puffs or veggie puffs? Pasta or peanut butter? I offered a lot of yes/no questions too. Do you like pasta with butter? Do you like pasta with sauce? Do you like apple juice? Etc.

Ask him a ot of questions. See where it takes you.

What about PECS, Rach? Google it, there's a couple good sites, or what does his speech therapist think about PECS?

:)

I was going to write a response but just read Christine J's response - pretty much everything I was going to write!!!!!!!!
When my son was a baby I couldn't wait for him to talk, then wait, and wait and wait...........now he's 4.5 and many times I have to tell him "Honey, it's my turn to talk!!!"

R.,

Hang in there! I am sending you lots of hugs!!!!! Don't put yourself down. You are in a really hard situation~ Focus on the things you DO know and love about your son. See how he reacts when he sees a picture that he loves or smiles when he eats a particular food. Even though he can't tell you with words, he will show you in time with his body language. Listen to that and you will be just fine. Best wishes~

M

You're comparing him to your daughters ( I wont tell you not to cuz we cant help ourselves!) But he will always be very different cuz he's a guy, they are diff species! It is enough for now just to show him you love him.

My 2nd and third kids were late talkers. My son didn't say a word before age 2 1/2, my 2 year old daughter just started saying quite a few words, but I've ALWAYS known them, regardless. I think you know him much better than you think. He wouldn't say many deep things about life by 20 months anyway...he just needs love which I'm sure you give him! Relax, he'll talk soon enough! If you are really feeling "not bonded" to him aside from his not talking, you may want to talk to some sort of professional just to be safe.

Calm down, girl. You're being too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time. I suggest continuing with trying the sign language. If YOU consistently use it, he will pick it up real quick. Maybe Rob can take the girls one day/weekend and you can have some bonus 1-1 time with your son. No matter what you do to get to know him better, for SURE stop beating yourself up about it. My parents still can't keep track of which kid likes which kind of food and which one hates what other kind of food - and you'd think in 30+ years they'd know by now. When you have multiples, it's hard to keep it all in track. Sending you hugs from Texas.

I'm sorry - that's so hard. My kiddo is almost 4 and we're finally making progress in the speech department - I understand about 1/2 of what he's trying to tell me (depending on the situation/setting) and other parents are picking up bits and pieces, too. We also taught signs and it was a big help (I recommend "Signing Time" if you are looking for a video - we have the set of volume 1-2-3 and it's fantastic).

Edit to add: I had to watch closely to learn "his" version of any number of signs - his "again" was a finger jabbed into his other palm, rather than all four fingers. His "help" was arms lifting up, like a fast touchdown, rather than a closed fist in the opposite palm. Once I figured THAT out, the window went wide open.

Early on, our speech therapist asked us to put together a little photo album of familiar items, to facilitate speech and also to assist in communication. So I took pictures of cereal, oatmeal, crackers, cheese, broccoli, salad, spoon, fork, milk, water, lemonade, car, train, truck, favorite videos/DVD player, radio, toothbrush, potty, Mommy's car, store, etc. etc. etc. etc you get the idea - about 60 of them. I found a small photo album and put all of those in there (trying to categorize as best as possible) and if I didn't understand something, I could say "show me" and he would.

20 months is a tough age anyway - lots of motor skills and so little language. It will get better, I promise. :)

ooh honey!!! you are sooo over thinking everything...you cannot compare Roman to the girls.

Try sign language...you don't have to talk for that...but you can get sign language down for please and thank you and thirsty/drink - he's old enough to learn this - we used sign language with Greg and Nick from the time they were about 8 months old.

You KNOW Roman - you are just out of your element right now...so don't FOCUS on this.....PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! TRY to relax...don't focus on the negative...use this time to help build a bridge for communication and such....at 20 months - I know that my kids liked grape juice one day and hated it the next...things changed like I would change their diapers!!! :)

YOU ARE A ROCKIN' MOM!!! DEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP BREATH!!! let it out slowly ....DEEEEEEEEEPPPP BREATH!!!! let it out slowly...use a journal and start writing...this will allow you to help track things...

Take a deep breath. You're having a bad stretch and that makes everything seem worse. My son's a late talker too, not in therapy late, but evaluated twice and definetly on the wrong side of the "normal" bell curve, and I was always AMAZED how much he communicated nonverbally (and we never did sign language either) I think that when you're actually having a GOOD day and can stop to think you'll be amazed too....

I know what you mean. My son is 1 month away from 15 and just over the last couple yrs we are just learning about each other, our likes, differences, ect. We are alot alike and we are told everywhere we are male/female clones :) I love him with all my soul but it wasn't always easy for us. I had him at 17, just a kid myself and we lived with my mom and she did most all the work. She treated him like a king and I basically gave birth and wasn't expected to do anything else. I was young so I was glad! We have grown together and found a wonderful connection but like I said it took a long time. Now my 4 yr old, I know what she's gonna say before she even says it. We have not been away for not even a night since I had her. I was much older when I had her, a better parent. My mom isnt alive now so I had to learn to be the one and only since day one and in return, the closeness and connection is very strong. Different times in your life mean different feelings and emotions. They are all your kids but they aren't made of cutouts you know? Besides, my son can like something one day and two weeks later he doesn't! There is some guilt on my part for knowing my daughters (the youngest) every want and need and not my oldest. But I learn everyday and I ask him questions and basically probably bug the booger out of him :) don't feel bad mama. He's working on language so draw pictures, have him point things out to you. It can only go up :)

Rachael,
I understand you frustration as well. My situation is a bit different. We did deal with speech delays though in a big way. My son has a congenital bilateral hearing loss. That means profoundly deaf. Yet, he has a cochlear implant.
We went through yrs. of speech. We started with sign language then, found cued speech. That has been the best thing in our life. I apologize if I offend anyone, but cued speech helps people to read and write English more effectively than sign language.
You can learn the system in 2 weekends-really. Never have to remember what a sign is at all.
It's all phonetic and simple!
Go to: wwwcuedspeech.org

He's 20 months old? Neither of my sons were talking at that time either, they were not delayed in any way, just more interested in physical advancement as opposed to speech. By they time they did talk, they were speaking 2-3 word sentences. Is he not pointing or anything yet? Does he not make facial expressions that are discernible for you to tell if he is or is not enjoying something? The majority of boys are different and less vocal than girls at this age. Instead of focusing on his preferences, take the time to cuddle and have lots of play with him. Walk around in the park, point to trees and tell him about the leaves, the wind, let him touch the tree. Focus on creating moments, not waiting for them to happen. Try learning his cues and forget about the importance of needing his speech as a bonding experience or as a form of communication. And as others said, continue the therapy so at home as well to help him progress.

My second son(third child) had speech problems when he was little. I couldn't understand him at all until he was about 3&1/2 and then we could only understand about 60% of what he said. It was very frustrating! We had his hearing checked(it was fine). We were unable to do the speech therapy(the nearest one was 45 mins away and we only had one car). He did kind of have his own language (which I only understood halfway). We were really worried about him going to kindergarten. Then suddenly when he was about 4&12 to 5, he started talking more clear. And we went from understanding 60% to 90% then 100% in about 6 months. We had moved during that time, but other than that- we didn't do anything out of the ordinary.
It was tough with him because I needed a lot more patience trying to figure out what he wanted. But when I figured it out, I would tell him the word really slow and do it a couple of times. We also tried to read more to him. I think those things helped in the long run- but it was tough for everyone- especially him. He is now in 2nd grade and has a slight speech impediment, but it's not that big of deal. Hang in there! I think some kids just process the talking part different then others!
Oh, and it also helped when we were both frustrated to get down on his level( I would get on my knees) and look him in the eye and give him a kiss and a hug before trying to figure out what he wanted.
~C.

Hi R.,
You are super stressed right now, you beign away from hubby, the day withthe old people before you left, the letter from IRS, your son being in high needs with the cast, your girls enjoying their vacation but putting more pressure on your mom. Hang in there. You do know your son, you know how to help him get to sleep at night, which way to comb his hair, you knew to bring his favorite coloring books on vacation. It is easy to get discouraged, when your hubby gets there tomorrow make sure you take a little "Me" time and go get a breather....
You do know your son, sometimes your vision is just clouded. Body language us a bigger communication skill then words.

Hang in there. My second daughter was incredibly difficult from about 8 months to 3 years. She did try to speak but was hard to understand, sounded like she had a mouth full of marbles. She would walk around fussing and crying for hours, be extremely demanding in a way I just couldn't relate to. She had me in tears many times with feelings of anger, frustration and of course the guilt that goes along with all that. Flash forward, she's 9 years old and we are two peas in a pod. She is a high acheiver, very charismatic and we get along great. We like the same foods, like to do the same things and since about 3 she's been the easiest kid in the world.
Her doctor thinks she has mild allergies which may have added to her toddler craziness and I think not being able to clearly speak in a house of loudmouths was tough.
I realize your situation is different but I just wanted to let you know it won't last forever. When I started reading your post I thought you were talking about a teenager, your boy is only 20 months give your relationship some time. You may find over the long haul that you two have a lot in common. You just might look back at this time and laugh about how kids and relationships change. My daughter loves to hear stories about her "difficult years" and how she drove us all crazy. Now she channels all that energy into positive things and her drive and single mindedness are a blessing. Good luck and remember he's just a baby.

Have you tried teaching him any sign language. I know you have tons of free time to do this (HA HA) but seriously, it might help him at least get out some basic things. It has to be very frustrating for him not to be able to communicate his needs/wants!