I Do Not like My Husband

Sounds like he needs an adjustment to his meds. Avoid conversations like foster parenting or how to be a better person etc etc...since you already knows how he feels about it. Be careful about the questions you ask...because when you do, you have to be ready for the answer he gives you...until you know what you want too. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know a lot of husbands who pull this very selfish attitude later in marriage...you have to give him more to be interested in, and it sounds like you've been putting up with it for too many years. Good luck.

You just described my husband....

I have been married for 14y next month. When it was just us, it wasn't a big deal. He didn't care how I spent my time. Now that we have kids its become more of an issue.

I LOVE helping people. I love sending gifts to soldiers and unexpecting moms-to-be, buying school supplies for local kids, supporting Feed the Children and Habitat. That's who I am. He actually told me that I wouldn't be so much in debt (i have a lot of personal debt!) if I hadn't sent so much of our money to charities. My response is that it was money I earned, and the charities are helped after the bills are paid. Last month I had to ask him for $200 to pay a joint bill. 'And how much did you send to the soldiers this month' um. $30.

It truly is who I am. To not do help would be not being me. That's not a life that I want. My kids are just now getting into the helping thing. We were at Toys R Us this weekend when a group of bikers came in and started buying a bunch of nice toys for Toys For Tots. It was an amazing experience.

We too have argued and not agreed. Just yesterday he did yard work all day and I worked on laundry and the house. When he came in he was instantly angry because the pile of clothes waiting to be washed hadn't changed from that morning. 'What did you do all day? ONE load of laundry in 12 hours? That's it?'.... um. No, I washed and put away 3 loads of laundry, washed and remade sheets for 2 beds including comforters, straightened a room, packed a box for a soldier, fed your kids lunch, watched a movie with your daughter.... Oh. The beds explains it then. But to him, instantly, I was a lazy ....

Something that actually helped us just last month was during a disagreement in the night that we sat in the kitchen with the lights off and just poured it all on the table.
- he thinks that I always find things to stop and shop for on the way home so that I'm late. I see it as getting errands done without the kids.
- he thinks that I always find ways to leave the kids with Grandparents or home instead of spending time with them. I see it as I always have at least one of them with me unless they really don't want to go.
- he gets mad cuz I don't help clean the house. I told him how I work full time just like him and no I don't want to and won't get up at 7a on Saturday to clean the house.
- he thinks I've been mad at him for changing jobs 6y ago and now having the weekends off. What? I wasn't mad about that. What I was/am mad that after 9y of being able to do what I want, when I want on the weekends, I now have to check with him before making plans, and if Saturday isn't filled with cleaning the house first before anything else, then I'm lazy. To me life isn't about cleaning first. Its about living first, cleaning up after.

Things have been better since the discussion, but he still has trigger anger. Doesn't like visiting my families house because it's 'too cluttered' for his comfort.

We have bad winters here. We have several single moms that live around us. They are all friends of our family. So when hubby goes out with the snowblower, I hand him a list of who's driveways to hit. He complained the first year. When he saw the 11y boy out there trying to move 2 ft of snow by shovel, he walked up and said, 'i've got this'. the thanks that he got, and the pride that he got from my son being able to say that 'we helped', changed his mind. Now he does the loop without question. EVERY big snow.

The way I'm approaching things is this. I am living the life that I want to live. I am helping those I want to help. I am having my kids help me. If hubby doesn't want to help, that is his loss. Just so that he realizes that I WILL do this. Last night we were talking about Christmas. Our kids have so many toys and such. Hubby actually said that we should have them buy stuff for the kids that need it. That is a MAJOR step for him. Plan an activity with your kids. Have an amazing experience with your kids. Let your kids enthusiasm change your hubby. When hubby sees your daughter excited about helping, it will chip away the bitterness.

Everly:

I'm sorry. I don't know where to start.

Was he like this before you married him?

Your husband sounds like he's depressed and needs counseling and meds to help his probable chemical imbalance.

you can think of upsetting it all because you and your children deserve better and better role models.

Doing for others is something we should ALL do.
Showing kindness and compassion - that is something that people need to be shown and learn...some people don't have it in them.
People who attend church are NOT sheep.

You need to do what you want and need to do - let him sit home and laugh.
You need to do what makes YOU happy and feel like you are contributing to society. If my husband laughed at me for my volunteering? I would NOT let it stop me...I would go and let him stew in his bitterness.

I have not walked in your shoes. I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I would do - and that would be to leave...upset the apple cart. If that doesn't work for you? then tell him what is going to happen. Don't threaten anything you aren't willing to go through with.

Make a list of the pros and cons of him and your marriage.
then ask yourself if you are better off with or with out him. If the answer is "with" then these are things you need to accept and press on. If the answer is without - then you need to make a plan and leave.

Like I told Scarlett - you are NOT alone. You have many people who support you and only want what is best for you.

I have soo many questions that I would want to ask him... I'm a question asker (drives my husband nuts because it forces him to address things he would rather ignore, but it's effective).

When he says he thinks the conversation about exchange students is pointless, I would want to know what topic of conversation he would find interesting.

If he always insists on "his" way - with television shows, activities, etc. or simply doesn't participate if he doesn't have "his" way - I would ask him when it would be "my" turn to have my way and get to spend some time with him. ESPECIALLY if I supported him during his activies.

Even without an event to discuss, I might bring up a conversation with him and ask him why it seems he's not interested in spending time with me.

I would ask him why he thinks it's okay to laugh at me and my ideas.

In fact, I might flat out ask him (if you're prepared for it) if he would rather not be in the marriage or family any longer.

Your comment about how, at the beginning, he asked for assistance in changing his ways, indicates to me that you may have started taking liberties with that opening and use it as a way to constantly criticize or critique even when he wasn't interested in changing.

If your husband feels like, over the years, he can't state something he feels/believes without you coming back at him with why it's wrong or even a minor correction, I don't blame him for checking out. That may not be the case, but it was in my marriage.

IF what I said above is even partially true (which I admit it may not be), then when your daughters were born, it may have gotten worse. A lot of women have a hard time "letting go" of the care of their children and are constantly telling their husbands that they're not doing X, Y, and Z right with the babies.

If I was in the situation your husband is in (based on my speculation), I would do what my therapist told me to do when I was going through treatment for depression and I would only do what made me happy. If I didn't like the conversation turning to how I was always wrong, I'd stop the conversation when it reached that point. If I didn't enjoy the activities with your friends, I wouldn't go.

I'm really not trying to blame you, as I only have this little window into your marriage - but to me, it sounds like he's tired of trying. He's tired of "deep" conversations, he's tired to being made to feel guilty that he's not generous enough with his time or money, and in some ways, it sounds like he doesn't feel "good enough." If your family is so altruistic, he may feel like he's being looked down on for not being that way (which is probably not true) and that may be why he doesn't want to visit your family.

I know this was long - but my best suggestions are to quit bugging him about his feelings/beliefs/choices and just go and do and be happy (bugging is a strong word - I'm not really trying to suggest you're always nagging him), and to also question question question to try to get to the underlying issues.

He sounds like a narcissist. I would, personally, make efforts to do the things that you want to do whether he participates or not. THat's his choice to sit sidelines in your marriage. I don't think you have a divorce worthy problem - just typical self absorbed man stuff. :-)

For some reason men are always against counseling (mine was too until it came down to brass tacks and do it or we're done - then his tone changed considerably) but I bet you could learn to "stand up" for yourself and learn some coping mechanisms/tools to help you get your point across more often.

If you feel the pull to help - volunteer - teach that to your kids - don't let him stop or discourage you! Nothing is better than helping other when you can...

Good luck!

You've already gotten some good advice. Definitely take care of yourself and of your girls!! By asking yourself these questions, you have already taken the scary first step toward change. (However, if your husband is suffering from depression, he may need your help. I speak from personal experience when I say that he could be who he was before your children if he was going to therapy and properly medicated. I urge you to find out what you can about his condition and to consider whether your marriage would be different if his depression was taken care of adequately. Of course, only you can know if this is the true issue.)

I would heartily suggest the blog What Women Never Hear [http://wwnh.wordpress.com] for help and advice. It will challenge you, and cause you to see where you have changed in the past and where you can change in the future. You may ask, "Why should *I* be the one to change, when it's *his* problem?" Well, because *you* are the one seeing the problem, and because *you* can change *you*, and you can't change *him* (and will only make yourself and him upset by trying). The good thing is, in the process of changing yourself, **he will change himself** to be the man you want to be, though it will take time and will not be painless, and you will likely make mistakes. But, you will save your marriage, and turn your so-so marriage into a happy one. And that's worth doing!

First of all I'm sorry you are in this spot. It sounds like a miserable way to live. If he won't go to counseling I think you should go alone. You need to get some perspective on your marriage and what you won't on a consisten basis and as it's happening. That will help you make good choices.

I think you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself. When he is shutting you out with the silent treatment, you need to confront him with the fact that he's being petty, childish and selfish. Perhaps he needs a response that is different than your acceptance of the situation.

Don't wait another minute to live your life. Get out, get involved. Don't wait for his permission to volunteer. Do it, and then tell him you signed up and that you are taking the girls with you. Get them involved, too. Do all the things you have wanted to do. Go places, see things, do things and let him either come along or sit at home.

He only controls what you let him control. In other words, his choices to step back and not be involved need effect no one's life but your own. Quit waiting for him to get on board. Sail without him. Then let him decide what he wants to do, come along or get left behind.

I kind of hate to answer this because I do like my husbnd. But I just feel like reading this that you have no respect for him. I cant imagine living with someone I can't respect. I also wonder if he pretended to be caring when you met him just so you would like him. If he didn't pretned, I can't figure out why you married him.
That doesn't help now I know. I just think that you either have to find a life and friends totally separete of him so you can enjoy your life, and just live in the same house as him. Or get divorced. Trying to love him when you dont respect him is a dead end.

I do!

Your examples really hit home. My husband says the same thing about church-goers. But, that same man, 6 months later, could be the one asking me if I want to go to church.

Here is what I think: We all have our baggage, we all are scared and act on it. I think the fear of not knowing or simply not understanding something makes people judgmental, like our husbands. They happen to be close-minded people at times, I don't think this makes them "bad" people.

All of us have stuff we aren't so proud of. And to be truthful, I bet there are many people out there who think the way our husbands do, they would just never admit. Some people are more negative than others, based upon their experiences, childhood, etc.

I am going through the same thing. You have to start ignoring his remarks or showing him by example what it is like to be positive. I notice a huge change in my home life when I go home and set the example first. It may not be the way it "should" work, but we have to deal with what we have.

Well, after reading all that, I wouldn't like him either!

I would ask him what kind of man he wants you to be in love with. Ask him what about him should you admire and love/like. If he won't listen, then write a letter, send him an email or text.

In the meantime, do what you need to, to raise your kids to be the best they can be. If that means volunteering, then volunteer. If that means going out to dinner w/other families, then go out to dinner w/other families without him. If that means making nice gestures in the community, then make nice gestures so you can set a good example for your kids. Do you want them to grow up selfish and self centered w/no skills in building/keeping relationships like your husband? How do you want your kids to see you? One thing mothers tend to give up is their identity in front of their kids. I'd love for your kids to grow up and can quickly envision their mother as someone who help other people.

If your husband doesn't want to be a part of that, then there is nothign you can do. All you can do is continue to set an example for your children and maybe for him too.

I am with you on no divorce - fight for your marriage! Own your relationship!

wow... I can tell a lot more is going on, but from what you posted, I'd not want something like that in my life or my children's. Your children are seeing and learning EVERYTHING from both of you and if you don't get them away from that, they will think it's ok/normal to be in an emotionally restrictive/abusive household, that Daddy being rude and heartless to everyone is acceptable, and that Mommies/Women don't deserve to be happy.

E., I'm so sorry for you. I've read everyone's answers and agree with many of them. I agree that you need to stand up for yourself and not give in to every thing he wants, and I also agree that you need to examine yourself and make sure you are doing everything you can and that all your words and responses are "gracious" and loving. I think if you want to go to church, then by all means go. You and your girls will enjoy the "family" time and probably make some great friends. If you need the names of a couple of good churches in your area, we have friends and family in Albuquerque and I'd be glad to help you find one. Then, I think unless you can put up with a lifetime of this, you should copy and paste your letter to us on Mamapedia into Word, and change it to be a direct letter to him. Let him know what he is doing to you, how you feel, what you think, etc. If he is a normal man...he's oblivious. I had good advice 21 1/2 years ago when my hubby and I were married. An older woman told me "if you think he ought to know something, then tell him...don't expect him to get it, and don't ever say "you should know what's wrong with me." Just tell him straight out what's going on"... That was brilliant advice. I wish you all the best and I agree, breaking in a new husband is brutal, better to work on this one and put the energy in while you can. I'll be praying for you.
K.

He and my Husband that I am currently seperated from sound like they could be twins. I totally understand what you are going through, and I never would have thought about leaving but mine started self medicating with alcohol and I became occasionally violent.

I know how hard it is to live your life so unhappy. I have already tasted a tiny bit of my old life and self and think that divorce is always the last option, but you have to decide if you can live like that.
.. good luck, message me if you would like.

What a tough spot to be in. I'm sure you've heard this, but it's true. Do you think it would help you to talk to a counselor to help you make this decision. They are great at asking the right question to help you work though it all. At the end hopefully you will find a decision your are confident and happy in. I wish you the best.

The very best thing to do is to ask yourself what advice you'd give to your daughters if one of them was in a marriage luke yours and asking? And then take your own advice!!! Is this the kind of marriage you want them to have? If they were in this kind of marriage what would you want them to do? Set the example for them!

I like what Kathy P. said. You can do a lot to change your marriage by changing your attitude and view toward your husband. You can do that without him changing and he will most likely change in the process. You described a lot of what my husband used to be like in a way except he's the most awesome person on the planet. All I did was change my attitude and changed my perspective. Once I changed, he changed. My attitude was pushing him away and frustrating him and I had no idea. Maybe you will want a divorce. You may end up being alone or in another marriage with another selfish man. Just look at all your alternatives. Sometimes it's easier to work on the one you have. Pray about it and ask God to help you change and see things differently. Good luck to you!

Your story reminds me of a movie, Fireproof. It's about a couple who is in the same boat you are. Watching this movie helped me, and I hope it will help you too.