I am 9 months pregnant and my husband has a drinking problem. I tried to be optimistic about the whole situation and give him the benefit of the doubt, that he's under a lot of stress, but it's really scaring me now that the baby is due in about 3 weeks. I am afraid that when the time comes, he will be drunk and won't even be able to take me to the hospital. I've tried talking to him, but my 4 year old is more mature than he is. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I hate him. He has been nothing but a jerk during my whole pregnancy and even said such hurtful things as, "you're the one who wanted to get pregnant." I feel like he doesn't even want this baby and that he doesn't even care. He practically refuses to spend time with our son. There are certain instances that he feels guilty and then does something with him, but it's usually just taking him to the store or a restaurant and buying him something. I've talked to a counselor, the whole family did an intervention, he refuses to go to counseling with me, etc. I feel like I've tried it all. I really don't know what to do. I hate to think that separation or even divorce is our only option, but it seems that that's the only way I can get him to open up his eyes and grow up, be a man, and be responsible. Please help!
Hi A.,
Have you thought about al-anon? I will be more than happy to go to a meeting with you if you like. You can contact me at ____@____.com
Blessings,
J.
Oh, A., I really feel for you. As the child of an alcoholic (who is no longer drinking but hasn't changed her conduct much beyond not bending her elbow), the unpredictability is torture.
I doubt that after what you've detailed, there's much else you can do to change him. It's not my place to give you the "get rid of the zero and find yourself a hero" lecture. I'm not a marriage counselor. I know you said you've tried to get him to go to a professional with you. But guess what? If he won't go to counseling with you, you can go without him. I'd suggest you do what you need to care of yourself. This is going to be tough to swallow, but you might want to look at getting a backup plan for when your baby arrives. Ask and see if any relatives and/or supportive friends would be willing to fly standby with you in the event that your spouse is too drunk to handle his husbandly duties.
Oh, and please, for the love of Carmen, get yourself to an Al-anon meeting. I wish you all the best and will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
I really feel for you. My father was an alcoholic and made my childhood really difficult. My only real advice for you is this - Do what is best for your kids. Is he contributing to the happiness and health of your kids? Your kids count on you for love, protection and support. If that means separating, then maybe that's what you have to do. But I definitely agree with the other response. Look out for you right now. Do not count on him for ANYTHING. Alcoholics tend to disappoint us over and over again.
Oh dear, I regret to say this, but in my opinion the advice you have received before is probably accurate.
Persons who are addicted to substances, are addicted, and addictions usually are accompanied by all of the lousy behaviors that you wrote about your husband.
Even if he goes to counseling, his behavior is not going to change overnight. He might stop the actual use of alcohol, but he will then have to struggle with the emotions underlying his use of it, etc.
not a fun situation. and correcting it takes at least a year.
that's the bottom line.
no sugar coating.
if you choose to continue living with him, you might find that going to Alanon, the support group for people who decide to live with alcoholics is helpful, but don't fool yourself.
The probability of your husband changing at this stage of the game is probably 5% or maybe less.
R.
It sounds like you need to make some back up plans. Do you have a friend/family member who can be your birth support? You don't mention any physical violence but it is quite common during pregnancy or other life stressors. If you do need that kind of support the Illinois hotline is 877-863-6338. It is only a matter of time before you will need to move out etc. so the question is really do you do it now or after baby? Is moving in with a friend or family member now an option? You may also want to discuss this with your doctor. Even if your husband refuses counseling/interventions, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get the support from a support group or counselor/therapist. Good luck.
Dear A.,
I am sorry to say, but it probably will not get any better.
Besides for my ex-husbands drinking, he also had anger management issue. When my oldest son (now 5 1/2 yo) was only 5 months old, my ex was drunk and threw a glass at me and cut my elbow (as I was protecting my face) and needed stitches. I had to wake up my baby and take him to the emergency room as I was dripping blood. I should have left then but off course he cried as ususal and said he was sorry. And as usual I forgave him. Things were OK for a while and we had another child. During this preganancy, my ex was horrible and said some very mean things. This should have been a time of joy. I was crying all the time. Things continued to get worse and we separated when my kids were 9 mos. and 21/2 yo. Although it is sometimes difficult being a single mom, at least I could breath when living without him. Towards the end I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. Anything could set him off. I have learned that it is very difficult for a person to change. They have to really want to and be ready to do a lot of hard work on themselves in counseling. Although it is not impossible, it doesn't happen very often if there are anger issues in addition drinking. What has helped me tremendously is that I have a strong family and friends support system. I have to say, that I kept quiet for almost 5 years and did not talk about this with anyone. I wish you a happy and healthy delivery. I truly hope there's a chance for you to work this out if at all possible.
Call Al Anon. Since you can't leave within the next couple of weeks at least get a good support system going and have alternate plans to get to the hospital, have help before and afterwards. If you sense a sober moment, do not attack him as he will use that for more fuel to go drink again, simply explain the facts to him. And then if possible get yourself very involved with al anon. It sounds like you are a wonderfully patient person. He is probably nasty while he drinks so keep thinking of ways to keep yourself and baby and little guy safe- if even leaving does happen. I know this must hurt, and it sounds like you love him and have been very kind. He is a grown up who is doing something wrong to his family whether it's a choice (his own) or alcoholism (an illness) he is making the choice to not do anything. So unfortunately he is forcing you to make some choices. Which very sadly might mean the end of your marriage. But sometimes such drastic measure are wake up calls and sometimes while you are young, you might have to get out. But taking care of yourself and little people is of utmost importance for the next month or so. Get clothes ready by the door, numbers for cabs, cash and get ready to either have a friend help you out, family or all sorts of things. I hate to say this but you already know to not trust him to be sober when baby decides to come. If he is -wonderful for him. But if he isn't you need to be ready. This would not be a time to feel sorry for him. I hate to say get out, right now, but as you know that could become an alternative later. It's always easy to talk about but another thing to be in someone's shoes, so I will say this just prepared to go this route in a different manner...Good luck.
i agree with you. if you have tried an intervention, your own counselling, etc, and he refuses to help himself, you cannot do anything for him. you need to take concrete steps to ensure the safety and well-being of yourself and your children. maybe what he needs is the reality of you kicking him out (or leaving). as hard as that might economically be (etc) for you, it is better than living with, and raising children with, a man who cannot get his act together and has a alcohol problem.
Something drastic has to happen. For the sake of you and your children! Why would he think he needs to change if you stay and enable? I know it is SO hard, my brother is an alcoholic with a beautiful 4 year old daughter, but not even the risk of losing her has made him change. It's a horrible disease but YOU have control over YOU. I'm sure you have tried al-anon; I think what you need to focus on is you and hopefully he would see the light. It happened to my cousin, she packed up and left, as hard as it was, with a newborn. He has been sober now for 13 years.
You are responsible for two children, and need to focus on them. What happens now influences decisions children make later no matter how old. Your little girl ready to come into this world probably feels your stress, and your son needs a positive role model.
I'm not an advocate for seperation, or divorce, however living w/ someone w/ a drinking problem will do you nor your children any good.
Get your ducks in a row, make a plan in case you need one, and when your husband is sober give him a choice, and stick to it. Do not back down; you have two children and yourself to keep healthy.
Alcoholism is a disease; it takes control of that person, and they need help in order to get down to the real reason he started drinking to begin with. It doesn't have anything to do w/ him growing up; he needs to get healthy.
Hopefully your husband will get help at some point, where you can support, but not enable him. Don't fall into a trap.
