I joined mamapedia about a year ago and haven't been on in quite some time, mostly due to beinga stay at home mom and never finding time to get on the computer. I have a very controlling narcissistic mother and a controlling and verbally abusive husband. I had PPD very bad with my only daughter. She is 25 months old now. I still see a therapist and take medication mostly for depression and panick attacks still. But things are sooo much better. I'm not where I want to be as a mother yet but I'm definitely not where I first was. Time has been the key and facing my fears to about motherhood have seemed to break down the walls of severe PPD. I still only have 2 problems...major ones...my narcissistic mother and my controlling and verbally abusive husband. I came on here for help a year ago and I am back speechless again. Things have only gotten worse over time. I am judged, rediculed, cut down, questioned, criticized, and belittled. I am sick of it. It is causing me to return to a recluse? and the depression and panick sttes to come back more often. I am a very good mother who loves her daughter dearly but am treated like I am 10 years old becuase I did have severe PPD depression and my mother had to help me for close to a year. My husband had to put in extra effort too. I am paying for it bigtime now. They won't let me be Sophie's mother and tell me she deserves a better mom, i'm fat, worthless, pathetic, and am never going to get better. I can't take it anymore. Please someone help me!! Oh, and sitting down and talking to each of them is out of the questions. so please don't offer that advice. These two people are master manipulators and belittlers and are impossible to talk to or confront on ANY given matter or situation or way they treat me. It has casued a huge rift in my family . My mother is 65 and thinks she is in my marriage becuase my husband tells her EVERY MOVE I MAKE AND THEN MY MOM TAKES IT AND ADDS TO AND EXAGGERATES IT TO WHERE IT IS INSANE. Any advice, please. I want a divorce. She is on his side. My family is on mine. I've got to get out of this for my daughter's sake. She is #! in my life, well, #2...God is #1. I'm so confused. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband gives me $7 a day to buy a pack of cigerettes( bad habit, I know!) and I do not have access to the checkbook or credit cards. Nothing. If Sophie needs food, Tim gets it. When we need groceries, He buys what he thinks I should be eating. It's crazy. I've got to get out but don't know how because he said I can divorce him but I am not leaving with my daughter. I don't know what to do. He said he'll bring up the doctors records of the severity of my {PPD and that I don't have a chance in getting custody of Sophie. He said the judge will look at my doctors visits, hospital stays the first year and laugh aat me. My family said he is not a lawyer and no judge is going to hold PPD agaisnt me two years later. But my husband and mother have me too scared to leave. My daughter dserves better than this. He does not raise his voice infront of her because we leave immediately///he's tried it three times. But he has slowly started back in again. I am afraid of him. He is a good father but an emotionally and verbally abusive husband and I do not and will not have Sophie growing up in this environment. I'm at a loss today. I don't know what to do.
Quit smoking and start saving your 7 bucks and get a ticket out of there chickie.
You might not believe this, but you are the strong one in this scenario, but you do not know it. Your demeanor and responses all have a lot to say about how you let someone else treat you. Think of a bully and realize that the bully is the insecure and fearful one, so is your mother and husband, but your personality and possibly easy going mentality gives them the impression you do not know what you are doing, you have no sense and you are not a good mother. You should take back some control of your life and stop letting them walk over you. Think about yourself and what you will NOT tolerate and tell them that. When they tell you you are fat, and whatever else, stop giving in to that and let them speak to you any way they wish. You have to show them you do not need them, stop being passive and dependent and sternly let them know you are well capable of taking care of your child.
Don't stop praying, but be specific in your prayer. Realize the only person you can change is you and how you let them treat you. Value yourself enough to know you are worth it. So they helped you in PPD, so what, that's what families do, doesn't mean you are a weak, helpless, depressed being. Tell them you got over your depression and to stop using that against you. If you do not let them see you are in control of YOUR life, they will continue to think you "need" them to run your life
Talk to your Dr!!! Tell him what is going on and see if she/he can make any recommendations and even a personal letter of mental health. See what your Dr feels about your progress, take your daughter with you to the appt, but tell your husband to wait outside and your Mother is not invited at all.
Once you can arm yourself with that, start calling lawyers while husband is at work - see who can help you for free or offer you a very low payment plan. There are lawyers out there who truly want to help others - search for that lawyer!!
I don't think it's a safe environment for your daughter either... and the sooner you leave the better it will be.Maybe another family member can offer you space at their house for you and Sophie?
First and foremost I am sorry you are in this tough situation. have you tried marriage counseling? If you want to leave the marriage you do need to talk to a good family attorney all about your history/custody issues and what the court's perspective might be. While your husband lives with you your mother does not. If she is manipulative and difficult to speak with then whether in person or on the phone set a boundary spelling out what you need and expect from her. If she tries to turn the tables and won't listen to you, then you need to take a break and not invite her over, call on the phone, or go to her place. Has she always been like this? You are an adult and need to set the record straight and take some control back.
Secondly, if your hubby is so controlling down to the penny I would save every bit I could and open my own bank account. If you and DH have a joint account you have every right to access it. Why don't you? So go to the bank and get a bank card or withdrawl money at the teller.
How do you feel about yourself? Do you need to excercise or lose weight? Take small steps to get out of the house and get moving. Bottom line keep God and your daughter close to you and do what is best for yourself. Even if your daughter is not present...when hubby gets verbally abusive WALK AWAY, take a walk, go into another room and close the door so he can't follow you. This is not right.
Can you check in to battered womens shelters in your area. They will let you stay there, confidentially, with your child and help you get back on your feet. That is what they are for. Most, will provide counseling.
If you can call a lawyer, do that and see what they suggest.
Prayers to you and your daughter!
OK... first quit smoking. I'm not saying that b/c of the health issues, but b/c you can start squirreling that money away. Buy a pack a week and just slowly throw them out or whatever. Put the $48 a week into a safe place- like someone else's home.
Apply for a credit card in YOUR name and have it mailed to another person's home. Put that card along with your cash and several changes of clothing into a duffle bag and leave it at the home of a friend or family member that you can trust.
Program the number for a cab company into your cell if you don't have a car so that you can leave immediately when you are ready. I get it- you can't just walk out without any means of getting by (even for a short period of time) or you'll go back.
You obviously can't go to mom for help, but you refer to the rest of your family as being supportive. Confide in one member of the family and come up with a plan. Include in that plan everything you can possibly think of... including the name of a lawyer, where you will stay, shelter if you need it, and any accounts that have your name on them (whether or not you access them).
Have a plan and have support. When you decide to leave, you will be able to do so without looking back for help. Unfortunately people who have this kind of need for control tend to resort to physical intimidation when the verbal stops having enough of an impact. Please be careful of his escalating behavior.
A person can be a decent father and a crappy husband, but remember that if your daughter sees this situation growing up, she will think it's "okay" and "normal".
there are too many issues going on here. first you need to take care of yourself. if your mom is so awful and i doubt she is, she may be awful in her behavior but im sure she loves you and daughter or she wouldnt be there, you will have to tell her not to come until she's nicer. she will get the message. you should try marriage counseling with hubby, he hasn't divorced you so he wants to be there. i know things can seem overwhelming sometimes but you need to realize everyone isnt against you and you have to stop and try to work things out and set boundaries. if you really cant fix things then you can make some hard choices.
Of COURSE he says that. Don't listen to him... get in contact with an abused spouse network (your counselor can hook you up), and listen to THEIR lawyers.
LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER.
Which you can afford through the DV groups, because they're usually either free (probono), or you pay them out of your settlement.
And talk to your prescribing doctor before even *thinking* about quitting smoking, because doing so can send you into a massive depression / completely change your med needs. Ditto, consult your lawyer before you do, because having changes in your meds/ condition can be used against you in court.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this here.
Have you spoken so frankly to your therapist?
Though you may not cosider yourself "battered",
you may want to consider taking your daughter
and going to a battered women's shelter.
This would be a very big step but might be necessary.
You mentioned that your family (with the exception of your mother)
are "on your side". Is there a family member, a sister, an aunt?
in whom you can confide and who will keep your secrets?
A clergy person?
I __do__ think you need to get yourself out from under your husband's
and mother's control. If I were closer geographically, I'd invite you here.
NO. Wait. There is no smoking allowed here.
I can't blame you for smoking.
It's self-medication to help you with your emotional needs.
After you are no longer being controlled by other people,
you will find giving up smoking will be not so difficult.
Please let us know what happens.
I will PM you.
Your story sounds all too familiar to me.
