For Those Wives Who Have Left....

Most family law attorneys offer a free consultation. And most of them (and their staff) KNOW to ask about and be particular about how and when they contact you, so that nobody that shouldn't know finds out.

I have been there and done that. The best advice that I can give is to take things day by day. I had everything planned out before I got divorced but once you are thrown into it then things are so different. My family has gotten very mean to me since I am down on my luck. It's their choice!! Probably not a wise idea for them. I am a fighter and just deal with whatever comes along when it comes along. Things will be so confusing for a while and that is totally normal.

First take half, hell a generous half of everything you have in joint accounts. I can tell you from experience the courts suck at figuring this stuff out or stopping someone from doing it. Set up an account only in your name, send the statements to a friends house or your work if you have to. Pull the money the day before he is served or even the day you retain your attorney.

If you don't do this he can take everything in savings and you will not get it back. I let my ex have our savings with just his name on it. I never got a penny of our savings. It takes up too much time and legal fees to fight it apparently.

Pay your attorney's retainer out of his half. :p That is just for fun plus you will be able to get by with it.

Prepare mentally for the fight of your life. If he is anything like my ex he will hurt everyone you care for so that you go back to him to make the pain stop. This will include your children.

I can tell you that I cannot give the kids nearly what I could give them if we had stayed together. The good news is the courts will force him to pay a portion of their college, education, stuff like that. You will have a smaller home, not much more than that will change. Your kids will be fine.

Be prepared that you cannot throw him out of the house. That one was the shocker for me. He used that to do the most damage. He wouldn't leave, verbally attacked the kids, physically attacked me, lord I can't even remember everything. When I would try to get a restraining order he played it that I was trying to manipulate the system and I was making everything up. Didn't matter that my older kids offered to testify. He claimed I promised them everything they wanted if they lied for me.

It was by far the hardest thing I ever did in my life but protecting my kids was what kept me going.

Did I mention that I now have an amazing husband that treats me with respect and loves my kids. :) Well worth a year of hell!

Just read the advice about setting up the account at the same bank, no no no no no no! Banks won't realize you are going through a divorce and could accidentally give him money from that account because they are used to you being married. I had to change banks three times during my divorce because he kept trying to get money out.

S.:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I am here. You can bundle the kids up and come live with me and my family. i've been in your shoes. I was living in Europe. I found an apartment on my own and the land lord understood the situation and allowed me to do my deposit in increments with my rent.

Since your husband refuses to get help - you have no choice but to leave him. Because one day - it won't just be words that he abuses you with.

I will PM you.

Let me start off by saying that YOU CAN DO THIS. Your children WILL understand [maybe not right away, but soon enough]. Your children will also understand that sometimes things can't be just handed over because of money being tight, but they too will be happy to see mama happy again. I ASSURE YOU.

#1 - Don't completely remove the kids from his life. That will make things so much worse. Talk to a lawyer before you find a place to live. Have a place to move to set up after you talk to a lawyer. You'd be surprised about apartments in this economy... Most do the first month free and no deposit right now [I rented a house]. When you go to do the "big move", have his mom take the kids if that's possible. She doesn't need to know what you're doing... Not right away. DO NOT TELL HIM [or anyone that would tell him] WHERE YOU ARE!!!

#2 - You'll have to do the "big move" in one day. Be ready for a fast paced day. And you can't get things together before that day, but it can still be done. Just take what you know you can't live without... Personal belongings and absolute necessities. You can get other stuff later. Most people will "donate" things to you if they find out what's going on. If you cannot afford to do all of this, but still need to go, that's what womens/childrens shelters are for. *for the record, I moved almost everything by myself in under 8hrs and I had neighbors on alert so if he came home unexpectedly, they could help keep me safe*

#3 - Leave a letter explaining everything. Including the fact that you will attend counseling with him if he choses to, but you refuse to be bullied any longer. *HE WILL CALL YOU* He'll start out with crying and begging, then it will be anger and vulgarity, then it will be threats, then it will go back to crying and begging and asking where you are. DO NOT TELL HIM. Then explain that the kids are with his mother. That will put him at ease about you taking the kids away. After you're off the phone with him [or just before he calls], call his mother and tell her what's going on. My EX MIL was so awesome!!! She kept me and hardly talks to him. :)

#4 - Have a "home" ready for the kids when they get there. Try to get things set up as welcoming as you can. THIS is going to be an emotional rollercoaster from hell for everyone for a while.

#5 - Find support groups in your area. You need emotional and mental stability... Even if it's just to vent and identify with someone. God I wish you lived closer to me!!!

He won't be expecting this and he won't have a lawyer. But you will already be prepared with one. You will already know your rights and his and he cannot tell you otherwise.

PM me for any other questions. I've done all of this myself.

Hugs S.. ☺♥

I forgot to say, my ex's sister and BIL lived down the street and saw me packing up... She called me crying and said, "I understand why you're doing this and going about it this way. Please please... Don't be home when my brother gets home. I will go down there when he gets home and try to keep him calm." Then her husband pipes up in the backround, "Not without me you won't."

They know how he is. They know what he's capable of. They still come to my home for bday parties and holidays... Same for me and my husband now doing the same for them. YES. My husband visits and LIKES my ex in-laws. My husband will help my ex MIL because her POS son won't.

I suggest calling a local battered women's shelter to seek counseling specifically on setting up an escape plan. For myself, I had to go to a shelter. I called them first to find out if a) I qualified to go, which I did and b) what was available to me in the way of assistance. It turns out that there was a lot.

It's hard when you don't have support, but you have to start somewhere. Start building that network. Get involved in support groups, alert friends that you trust.

Stash money by making purchases with $20 cash over. "Lose" the receipts if you have to. Pull out cash to go grocery shopping instead of paying with your card at the register and keep what's left. Buy things and then return them for cash, so that you have the money and the receipt to show. There are all kinds of creative ways. You don't need a lot, you just need enough.

Get a credit card in your name alone right before you leave, so that you have that as an emergency. Take a loan out in your own name if you have to, in order to pay first and last months rent.

Talk to an attorney about what child support will be. Don't budget with it, because you might have to garnish his wages to get him to pay if he is feeling spiteful, but it's good to know what you should be able to expect.

There is no shame in reaching out to the helping agencies in your community. Find out what they can do for you. Start putting money in the bank. Set up emergency back up contingencies.

At first it will be hard. It will be tight financially and your kids will be upset. But they aren't stupid. I don't know how old they are now, but as they get older they will hear and see what is happening. It will affect them way more than things being tight.

Feel free to PM me with specific questions, I will help in any way that I can.

I found an apartment first. The manager worked with me on the move in date.
I left.
I opened a new bank account so my work checks became mine and not ours.
Wasn't easy, but I survived it.

After reading your last SWH, I think this man may be a true abuser.

Surely you have good friendships with other women? Or has he prevented those as well?
That's usually just how they like it.

All I could suggest is that you schedule a consult with a divorce attorney. Find a shark. Ask around.

I'm so sorry. It truly sounds like there is no pleasing this man.
It speaks to his character that he told his own mother to "F Off".

I think your first step should be talking to a good attorney (without your husband knowing!).
Good luck ~ you're in my prayers!

I first think you should try the things suggested in your other post. It is worth a last ditch effort. But any man who won't agree to stop telling his wife to f*** off, if that's what he does, cannot be stayed with.

So, if he forces you to leave because he won't go to counseling or otherwise work on his marriage, then I don't know what form your savings are in, by my first thought is that you take out half the savings the day you leave, and put them in your own account.

I don't know anything about the legalities of this, but that's probably what I would do in your situation, right or wrong. ONLY if my husband absolutely refused to work at all on the marriage.

It sounds like his mom is on your side, so if you decide you have to leave, can't you go to her for help?

I've been in your spot. Until NONE of your objections matter, it will make things harder to leave. Meaning when it becomes so intolerable that you don't care about the finances - there will always be reasons not to go. When you don't care if you eat rice and beans, then you just have to steal yourself inside to do it. It is hard, believe me. VERY hard. But worth it, and it adds to your self esteem to stand up and do it for yourself and your kids. I found a stealy strength I didn't know I had until I left. I used my credit cards for down payments for apartment and utilities. Yep, it ran them up terribly, but they can be systematically paid down, and even included in any divorce settlements. Good luck, dear!

Start by taking this one step at a time. Each journey begins with a single step. Assuming your accounts are joint, at the same banking institution set up a personal account. That will be your first step on the path to leaving (mental and literal). From that day forward, stash whatever little bit you can in the personal account. The next step will be to research housing alternatives, saving as much as you can for the deposits and such. You don't have to own right away and renting can be an affordable option depending on your area. Then contact an attorney to begin the legal process of divorce. A really good attorney can help with all facets of this process by the way. You should indicate to the attorney you are concerned with how your husband may react to your leaving and filing for divorce. Support is nice but sometimes in life you have only yourself to lean on. When the day comes to be done, move your last paycheck into your account and walk away. Between whatever you stashed and that check, you'll have something to start with.

As for money for the kids, don't worry about tomorrow. Worry about today because fixing things today may negate tomorrow's worries. Besides you can't do anything about the future so why waste the energy. Personally I grew up pretty rough (never did extra activities, wore hand me downs, slept in some pretty nasty places, ate some pretty nasty food) but kids need love more than they will ever need things. I never doubted for one minute I was loved and I did just fine without the things.

"Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday."

I've never had to deal with this, but I'd say talk to a women's shelter - they have dealt with all kinds of situations and will know of strategies/resources, etc. that you wouldn't be aware of. They may be able to refer you to a lawyer that can help/inform you on the financial protection side of things. And seriously, if your MIL told you that, she may actually mean it. Once you have the logistics lined up with the shelter/attorney, TALK TO HER. Don't assume you are alone. You are doing the best thing you can for your family and your kids. Hopefully he will wake up and try to fix things.

1) Could you put a down payment on an apt. on a credit card? Or stay with friends or a shelter while you work and save money?

2) Friends! Lean on them! Or online support groups! Research help from churches and other local women's groups. He is verbally ABUSIVE so you would certainly be considered deserving of help!

3) Hopefully he will pay child support. Also, if I were one of your children I think I would rather grow up in a happy, loving environment with less money, than an environment of my mom being an emotional punching bag.

Also, do you have an employee assistance program through your work? I would talk to them.

If your husband is abusing you, whether physical or emotional, apply for a restraining order and in that order he will be ordered to leave the home. That home belongs to both of you equally - not just him so he doesn't get to be the one to say who has to leave. The court will do that when you apply for the restraining order. On the same day that you get the restraining order, go to the bank and withdraw 1/2 of the money in the checking account and 1/2 of the money in the savings account. You are entitled to 1/2 of everything. I understand how sad you are to possibly give up the financial security you have worked hard to build, but to be honest, when you said "worked to create an environment where our child can be absolutely anything" makes me believe that if you stay in your financially secure situation, you will be raising children who don't appreciate anything. It's really NOT good for kids to be able to do "absolutely anything" they want. So, even though it won't be as secure, it will make better people out of your children. So sorry you are going through this. Good luck!

I would suggest you make an appointment with a licensed marriage counselor if at all possible. You have a lifestyle that appears to be good and with the help of someone who can see deep into the relationship you may be able to make needed changes to your relationship. If that is not going to work for you then may I suggest just telling him.

Be blunt and make it as shocking as possible. If he is shook up he may decide to try and make changes. I would also make sure to have talked to an attorney beforehand so that they can have all the information about money in advance of any shenanigans he might pull. That is half yours. He may try and take it all, remove your name from the accounts, etc...but if the attorney has copies of the bank statements and such he can file an emergency hearing to freeze the money until it can be settled.

This is an excellent time of year to suggest an allowance for each of you also. It is no fun to buy for Christmas if the other already knows where every dime is spent. I think each person needs an allowance that can be blown on bubble gum, cotton candy, and coffee if they want to. Money they NEVER have to account for, it is not for anything to do with kids, house, car, personal care, etc...it is BLOW money. For personal use. It is not for toiletries, or groceries, nothing but whims.

If you can convince him that he needs one as much as you do then set a limit, maybe $50 per month or more, depending on your income, bills, and free money to put ion savings...then stick with it. That money can be put in a separate account for you and you can shop at cheap stores but make it sound like they can from boutiques and are specialty items that imply's they cost a lot more.

I think that you need to plan out what you are going to do. If possible apply for a credit card in your own name and get a PO box for the bill to come to. Maybe a safe deposit box for the bills and other items that could be sold for quick money too. Maybe some jewelry or other items.
****************************
Just read your addition and it appears you seriously have tried. I would talk to the kids. Just because life is going to change does not mean it has to be similar. You can get an inexpensive apartment, you can leave most everything there until a court order makes him give you half, etc...you can do this.

Financially speaking.........don't you get half?

Wouldn't your husband be man enough to leave you in the house with the kids?

Whatever you decide i would talk to him about it. Unless he is violent or manipulative he might have a right to know what you are considering so that he may have a chance to change it. Talk to a lawyer and a counselor........AND your husband.

If you leave him, half the savings is yours. My advice would be to look less at the money issues and more at what you feel will be best for you and your children. Are the issues something counseling could help or is it too late?

I'm so sorry your going through this. I can't even imagine..

Your MIL sounds like an understanding woman and like someone else said don't under estimate her. You said yourself she'd rather have you than him. She knows your husband. She knows how he is. He doesn't even have respect for her. Go to her and talk to her. Tell her just how hard things truly have been and seek understanding from her. Tell her you don't expect her to take sides but you are hoping that she will find some compassion for you and her grandkids. She might surprise you and help you. Ask her if there's any way she can lend you some money to get you a d the kids started fresh. You never know until you ask. Worst she can say is no.
I also think that you get half the savings. So takes it and don't you DARE feel bad for doing it either! Its rightfully yours.

Everything will work out in the end, its just going to take awhile to get things going and settled. You can do it. You know your a strong woman so fight for what you know you deserve. What your kids deserve. You can do this. He is going to make it difficult but you fight for it and don't give in to him.

Sending you strength and courage. Do what you need to do and take it one day at a time. And remember it wont be bad forever, just for now.

Best wishes.

Now I see why he talks to you the way he does.
Don't let any of this stop you. The court will be on your side and he will be obligated to support you and the kids.
Try not to panick. Speak to your counselor to get some guidance about moving out if you must. Don't think about buying anything at the moment. Go live in a rental for the time being. Manage your money and go. Maybe it's time you got in touch with parents and told them what was happening. Maybe they'll be supportive in a way. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose.
Wait for other mamas to give you some input, especially those who have experienced this.
I wish you luck and wellness.

Time to talk to a lawyer, S.. I'd choose a woman who specializes in domestic issues, if possible. Most lawyers will give an initial consultation for free, so you can get a sense of how well the two of you communicate.

She'll help you set up some basic financial protection for you and the children, and take it through the court system so it's legal. You may also live in a community property state, which means you own half of what's in your savings account. I believe you can probably put that half in an account your husband does not sign on. But get legal advice to learn what your rights and restrictions are. This helped me tremendously when I left my first marriage with an 8yo daughter.

Wishing you the best. It's not easy financially to start over, but I think you'll be surprised at how worth it the change will be, for you and for your kids.

I have been where you are... I finally got him out of the house. It was verbal not physical and the verbal or things he did were more controlling. when he left he left me with nothing. No money bills that had not been paid for 6 mos everything was getting turned off.. I am here to tell you I made it and you will also. It is not easy even now. He quit paying child support .. I gave him 7 mos and still nothing so I garnished his yes... unemployment. He is continually unemployed but it was that or lose the house. He did not contribute to child support or house did not see his kids... nothing when he left. So now, I still have no money, but am so happy as is the whole household. I recommend seeing an attorney now. You might want to have paperwork ready for child support and support for yourself while moving. They will usually consult for free. So open a bank acct and I know it is not much but pay yourself somehow... extra cash for groceries, or whatever. stash lunch money but still.... I am more than happy to email with you or just give you encouragement... good luck. live your life not his....you can do what you must for your happiness and that of your children.

I would start talking to a lawyer... ask how much child support should be for your 3 children and how feasible is it for the courts to give you the home since you'll have the children. I had wondered over the last year how you could stand being with and defend a husband like yours... why did it take you so long to come to this last recognition that he wasn't a good man?

So what he'll know about a $100 every other week you've taken out and placed in a secret savings account? Tell him you bought some gifts or something for co-workers or family. Start taking that $100 every paycheck!! Too many women have lamented on here that by the time they went to get money out of a joint account once divorce was mentioned it was ALL GONE and the husband taking it all is not illegal!!

Is there a battered women's shelter in your area? They can give you and your kids a place to stay and help you find other resources for help.