I Call Them the Bench Ladies ( the Mom Snobs)

Hi Kim
Okay I will admit I can be snobby at parks, and I'M SORRY. It wasn't always been like that. I'm not a 'mean girl'. For years I was very friendly, always smiling at other moms at the park, open to conversations.....but I got shot down so many times ( they were all self absorbed ) - I think I just gave it up. Ugh.
Now I just go and keep to myself and have a great time with my son.
But I promise I will do better! :)) Thank you for posting this. It has made me want to try again.

If I'm at the playground, I'm there for my daughter to PLAY! While it would be nice to have a mom to chat with while I'm there, it's not something I need or care much about either way. My daughter is now almost 7 and I am still helping her achieve goals while she is there (granted far less often). I want my daughter to be strong, bold, and physically fit. I always felt bad for the kids whose moms just sit. Especially the little kids, they are limited in what they can do and see the other kids having fun.

I know exactly how you fee ! I often feel like I am "intruding" when I take my 2 year old to our local park. I don't have any mom friends close by so my daughter and I are there by ourselves. At first I tried to say hi, but often got no response and they went back to talking to each other, now I just play with my daughter. It is a public park and we have every right to be there. At first I was really bothered by it, but now I don't even try anymore. They are obviously happy with their friendships and not interested with another one with me. Go to the playground and enjoy the time outside, pay no attention to the snobs.

<laughing> At least they don't track you all over the place trying to "poach" you away from the family that's hired you. Because, of course, if you're in jeans and a tee-shirt, and youngish, and (gasp) playing with your son on the playground, and getting groups of kids involved in games of tag... you MUST be the nanny!

Gotten some really nice offers though. Never even knew there was a phrase "nanny-car".

I completely agree with your attitude, I'm much the same way. Being an older mom of a toddler, I see the attitude in every playgroup we try to be a part of. I have two adult children & went through this when they were growing up, and what I learned was to continue to be a friendly, compassionate person & my children saw that, and grew up to be loving, compassionate adults.(They are now 25 & 22, and wonderfult people). When it comes down to it, isn't that what we all hope for our children? True sucess in life is about 'who' you are, not 'what' you have. Thank you for posting this, it may make some of those 'bench mama's' rethink their attitudes!

Some people just arent' friendly and don't want to meet new people. Some are downright rude and judgemental. I was at the playground with my daughter once and saw another mother there with her daughter about the same age as mine. She happened to be wearing a miniskirt and knee high boots, which turned a few heads. Not an outfit I would venture to the playground in but hey, to each her own. A lot of other mothers made comments right near her and gave her dirty looks, and no one would talk to her. I happened to talk to her because our kids were playing with each other, and she was super nice and friendly! Who cares what she was wearing, at least she was nice, I was happier talking to her than anyone else there that day.

This is just what I needed. Lately I have been wondering I am trying so hard on the relationships where it is not reciprocated and not putting that much into the ones where it is. I am not as friendly as I used to be, and that is disappointing.

Since I went through some major girl bully issues in high school, I have this very zen attitude toward these situations. What I have taken from it all is that many times women like that have confidence issues or are insecure on their own. If they are in a "pack", they feel more confident. It's typical if-I'm-with-the-in-crowd-I-can-do-anything. If the "leader" decides to snub others, they all will. Either that, or they feel superior due to financial status or their position in the community/school. I sometimes feel sorry for these women that they can't think on their own or take their self-worth from the outside (popularity, money, power, etc). Know that you are a good person and enjoy your kids while you are at the park. Most likely they are too in to themselves to watch their kid skip for the first time or join in on contagious laughter from their toddler. I absolutely think moms need friends and need to be able to have grown up time with a girlfriend, but it doesn't mean you have to shun every other mom within a 2 mile radius.

Kim,

“I call them…bench ladies...the mom snob”
“I smile at everyone”
“It’s not me, it’s them”
“Nicer when people are pleasant”

I take my dog to the dog park every week and there people who probably go to the dog park more times during the week and tend to congregate together. I say hello and goodbye…if they ask my dog’s name or what kind of dog he is…we sometimes exchange a few words. Some are more friendly then others, but I don’t go there to make new friends or have casual/meaningless conversation, I go there so my dog can run around, play and we can both get some fresh air.

However, I recognized your personality immediately because our receptionist is almost, always ALL smiles and treats EVERYONE like they are long lost friends or relatives. The only thing more aggravating then her “ever present” plastic smile is her high pitched cackle which is usually followed after she has shared her personal business or made an inquiry about someone else’s personal business. When she does that cackle, it’s like a nervous reaction after one has said or done something they wished they had not.

I do think it’s nice to be courteous and congenial to others, however some folks go overboard and when people see them coming, they want to turn the other way. Most people in our office try to avoid idle conversation with our receptionist….Personally I think she just tries too hard to fit in. Your comments about what you call “them” and “It’s not me it’s them” sort of makes you not the nicest mom at the park either. It’s good to remember that no one is perfect and not everyone wants to be our friend.

Blessings.....

It sounds like you have a gregarious, sweet & nurturing spirit. The world needs more of that - don't lose it in bitterness (not that you would!).

My only thought would be to take that spirit where it is warmly needed and received. Perhaps you and your children could volunteer somewhere together. Then when you do go to the park and encounter self-absorbed folks - things are put in a bit more perspective.

The only other thing I would caution (only because I have done this myself) - is to be careful in your assumptions of what others are "thinking." We never know the burdens others are carrying in their lives.

As with my advice to my children and myself - usually the answer to these sorts of situations is to be stronger in one's "self."

Good luck to you - wish you lived near me! <3

HAHAHA, great post! You think that kind of behavior is gone with high school, then it pops up again, where you least expect it! Good for you, Mom...and you're right, you can't be a Mom Friend Of the World if you're a Mom Friend From THe Bench!

Some of your answers are right on track and some aren't. Don't take the bad ones personal.
I always teach my kids to be the better person. Smile, be friendly, but don't be part of "THE PACK" when it's obvious they are mean.
These women may warm up to you but you need to always be consistent in your behavior. If they make it obvious that they are a group and no one else is invited, stay away. Smile, say hi and go about your own business. Be nice to others ALWAYS. There is nothing wrong with being the nice person.
What good is it to be mean?? I am quiet when I need to be. That doesn't make me a snob. I make eye contact and smile. I talk to strangers. Continue to be the better person. You will feel better about it.
One more thing, my grandma always said to pray for your enemies. It is hard, but just say God, please bless this group.
This also makes you feel better. And it makes it easier to deal with them.
Good luck and God Bless!

Dear Kim C.

I am not going to answer this one because I am still laughing after reading the other answers. They are hilarious and so on point. I sent flowers out instead. You stay encouraged. Maybe you don't need their drama. Maybe they are thinking of doing some type of reality show called the housewives of Ohio or the Ohio's bench ladies. I don't think you want that type of attention. (smile)!

God Bless

I think some of these people are just "those girls" from school who are all grown up. You can make a choice: let it bother you or not. I have learned to see people like that as "it's too bad they're limiting themselves".

I once saw a bumper sticker I think sums it up best, "Mean people suck!"

We're great people and we have a lot to share. If they aren't open/receptive to you or your children it's THEIR loss.

I agree, be syrupy sweet. Smile. Enjoy your day at the park. MAYBE you're laughter and "fun" will be contagious. If not, at least YOU had a good day at the park.

Everyone has their own personality you can't change them..I'm a mom of 3 I take them out alot I don't say HI to everyone I meet just not my nature i'm busy with 3 lil bodies however if I get approached i'll have a very short conversation with that person..Why are you taking this so personal?Who cares that everyone doesn't smile or want to include you in everything at the park.I have a few good friends that are near and dear to me my husband,Anna & Jessica family too.I don't have time to make more friends I don't want to really don't care to i'm not rude to people in public or anywhere else I go I'm just not that e-mailing exchange cell phone #'s person...A smile is a speechless Hello..Very easy to do..

I agree with you that if you smile and say good morning or good afternoon to someone, it's polite to smile and return the sentiment. These moms are being rude if they aren't doing that.

I disagree on this point though - it is you. You are disturbed by their behavior and possibly want to correct/scold them. Or are you just upset that they haven't shown more of an interest in you? I know you said you aren't, but I have to wonder. I guess I find it odd that you are telling us what you wish you could tell the bench ladies, "Niceness begets niceness and negative begets negativity."

Oh, gosh, these types of people are everywhere, aren't they? It's irritating, isn't it? It's funny that you bring this up today because I have to confront some of these types of people today about getting some money to get my son's teacher an end of the year appreciation gift from all of our kids. I've tried approaching some of these types personally, but they make themselves unapproachable. And, like you, I know it's not me because I'm not to chatty, but I'm nice. Who knows what's wrong...I sure don't. But, for these friendly souls, I've made a cute little note to stick in their child's mailbox. Hopefully, it works:) I'd just let it roll if I were you...just walk on past them and not say anything. Maybe one day one of them will have an epiphany and smile. Just keep the faith in humanity:)

M