Our 8 year old son is out of control. He is always back talking and fighting with his sister. When his father or I yell at him or punish him he laughs and says he can not help it. We are at our witts end please someone help!!!
Dr Sears has some really great, expert advice for this:
http://www.askdrsears.com/?q=topics/discipline-behavior
How do you discipline him? Are you consistent in your discipline methods? You don't give enough information for me to be specific in steps to take. I urge you to read about methods of discipline. I've used Love and Logic by Foster Cline and found it very helpful.
You have to have an immediate consequence to give him each and every time he misbehaves. When he back talks, send him to his room. Do not argue with him. Stand firm and repeat, go to your room. Talk with him ahead of time that you're going to do this. Let him come out when he's able to say he's sorry. This means that he'll be spending quite a bit of time there until he learns.
Ignore him when he laughs. Never argue with him. Never yell at him. Act as if you're in control even when you don't feel that way. Do not respond to his back talk. Just send him to his room. Over and over and over.
When he fights with his sister, I suggest that both children go to their rooms. Don't try to figure out who started it. Know that even tho it appears that he started it, she also played a role in it. Sometimes the sibling actually started it with a comment that isn't apparent to the parent.
Your post sounds like you may need professional help in getting him back in control. I urge you to consult with a parenting coach or a family therapist. You need to be confident in your role as a parent and find ways to be in control without needing to yell and punish. Your role is to teach him to behave. There are many theories about discipline. Knowing what they are and choosing one will give you confidence and allow you to be in control.
Read what Marda says H.. I totally agree with her. It is the right approach.
Be consistent after each bad attitude or bad behavior,
Act immediately and what you say it is, and what your husband says it is, but you have to agree about your rules or boundaries for your kid. Kids really know when one parent or another thinks differently and they will try to bend the bar or push your buttons.
Do not accept "deals"
Do not argue with him or try to "explain" anything to him
Do not get upset, or angry (NEVER EVER), calm down and act firm.
Keep a good routine for bedtimes, meals, play and study time, every day the SAME thing for a long time.
My 6 year old WAS (past tense) like that. SHe's 8 now. She would get in fights at school, talk back to the teachers and wouldnt follow the rules. She would also talk back to us, steal from us and do little devilish things to her 2 year old brother. We tried all of the punishments. Have long heart to heart talks with herr,time out, taking something away that she love, etc. etc. She would always lie to us and promised she would be good. She never did. After they broke up a fight between her and another student, she spat and cursed at the teacher. You know what I did.. I spanked her. And Im not talking about a slap on the wrist, a real spanking. She was so surprised and I havent had any problems since. Wish I wouldve done it years ago when I first started having problems from her. Whenever she try to act out I give her the evil eye, remind her of the spanking and ask her do she want another one. No problems. I dont believe in spankings but I refuse to let a child disrespect me and not do what I say.
I can't add anything to what Marda said, except to agree with Lillian, who said that you and dad MUST be on the same page, and present a united front.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for parents to present a united front, and this is even more important when your kids are teens. My husband never united with me, and the message it sent was that mom (who is the disciplinarian and the "man" in the family) is crazy and you don't have to do what she says. Husband and I are now in counseling (should have done it a decade ago!)
Therefore, it is even harder to have two parents who don't present a united front than it would be to be a single parent, in my opinion.
Son needs to know that he can't play dad off mom, or vice versa.
I agree with more information.
In addition to Marda's comment, make sure you and Dad are ON THE SAME PAGE with discipline. If you are not united in this effort, your child will work on the weakest link.
Look back on your own childhood, and think of how your parents handled a situation. Sometimes the tricks that worked on us as kids will work equally on our own. My son frequently asks my Mother and Father, "Did you REALLY do that to Mommy?" which never fails to prompt a knowing grin and a nod and a "Yes, I sure did!" End the punishment always with, "I love you". Yes, my Mother did, and I remember it(with a dash of grumbles, a splash of groans, a pot full of eye-rolling, my cup runneth over with tears of frustration, and a laugh) fondly 22 years later as a nearly 40 something with a spirited seven year old(yes, he is just as my Mother prayed for and predicted--exactly like me, with a splash of something different and new!).
Be consistent, be persistent, be firm and always with love, not anger. Not always an easy task in the heat of the moment. I often look back on a situation in 20 minutes and ask myself if I still feel as strongly about it.
Sometimes the answer will surprise you.
A. we need more info to give advice... Can you be more specific about what methods you've tried?
I agree with many comments below, only I would SERIOUSLY discipline the laughing as well as the offense....actually the disrespectful attitude (laughter) to me is the worse offense..and I would be much tougher than sending him to a comfy room for ANY of this. He would not be laughing in other words. But I agree on the united front and consistency once you find effective measures to take. Sounds like you and dad need some work together, and it would be greatly beneficial to your son if dad took the lead on discipline as male role model in addition to you guys being on same page. Stop yelling, it shows you are out of control, and it is not discipline. Your bite needs to be much bigger than your bark, and usually if you are to the point of yelling you've let him escalate too long. If you want any book recommendations, PM me.
