I Am Not Being a Good Wife

You should read Blind Sided by a Diaper. I can't remember the author. It is very hard to adjust to having a baby, this is part of parenting (IMO).

Yep, these mama's are right on target with depression.

I didn't have it after my first, but I did after my 2nd. My kids are only 17 month apart & that combined with only being 24 when the youngest was born, being a new SAHM, all of the stress that went along with everyday life of a new mom to include the crazy hormones, and being a military wife after September 11th was just too much for me to handle. I didn't sit around crying all day, but I wasn't NEARLY as good of a wife & mother as I could/should have been. I talked to my doctor about it & she put me on a really low dosage of Zoloft for a few months & that was the boost I needed to get back on track.

There's no shame in it. I applaud you for knowing that you have something going on that needs attention, now just go get it taken care of!

Well I think you are being a better wife than many just by admitting that you've been a bad wife and not blaming your issues on your husband!

Totally discuss this with your doc. There could be a thousand different factors at play here. Go have some tests already. No one should live like this, you and your fam should be enjoying a nice healthy life together!

Feel better girl!

:)

The headaches combined with descriptions of moodiness, anxiety, and stress sound a lot like depression. You should go see your doctor and get help. It doesn't have to be anti-depressants, but you may need them for a while to "jump-start" you back to normal. It does get better, but only if you do something to manage it.
And once you start managing it, get a babysitter and go OUT. Staying at home with just the two of you is not enough.

You sound depressed. Depression does not men you sit in a corner crying.. It can make people aggressive.

This is a physical thing.. Your hormones are out of whack..

Go to the doctor with this list and let them help you.

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Get your thyroid checked!!! Its common to be out of whack after having a baby and can cause all of these symptoms!
Its very genetic too, if someone in your family has it, chances are great that you do too.

I think you need to see a doctor. Babies bring huge changes to your life and your marriage, but the anxiety and headaches don't sound typical. I'm not suggesting this as a reference or source of medical information, but Brooke Shields wrote a memoir about her experience with PPD that you might find interesting. It can happen to anyone. Good luck and I hope things are better soon. (Oh, and there could be another condition or explanation too, but that's for the doctors to figure out.)

I'd start with apologizing. Not for anything in particular, just let him know that you know you're been moody (the 1st year of a baby's life is hardest, you're on the road to recovery!! And I'm sure he hasn't been 100% saintly either), and let him know that you're making a conscience effort to be better, and ask for him to help... tell him to KINDLY let you know when you're snapping, and also ask for a little extra help... 30 minutes of peace and quiet to get your head back on straight works wonders. Just the fact that you're aware of this and want to change speaks VOLUMES of positivity :) Best wishes!!

That first year is both wonderful and horrible.

You know fatigue as you have never known it before. It is completely inpossible to meet all of the baby's needs, and also have room to meet all of each others as well as your own. These are dry times, when it comes to marriage.

It does, in fact, get better. Baby sleeps better, becomes more independent, you sleep better, you are doing less maintenance and have more time for yourselves and each other. You just have to hold out a little longer. Soon, in fact.

If you are worried about your moodiness, do talk to your OB/GYN. Sometimes it's hormone imbalance that hasn't corrected after the birth of your baby. Just a little bloodwork could tell you if things are where they need to be. It can take up to a year and a half to completely recover after childbirth.

Of course, this mean we don't know who Michelle Duggar really is, because she's been pregnant for 20 odd years.

This is due to the unfair burden women and Mothers bear in this society. You are not alone, your reactions are normal... I bet your husband expects you to take the utmost care of your child, clean the home and keep it clean, do all the laundry and cook & do dishes too. So not only do you have a job in which MANY people get paid for (taking care of a child/children) which you do for free, but you also are a maid, chef, house cleaner and laundry worker... all for free.

Feeling resentful for having to do all this alone (usually, right?), not having much time to find yourself again FIRST before trying to find yourself as a couple, not getting breaks or consistent help from your spouse, etc... yes that can make you moody, resentful, and easy to lash out.

Maybe you should do some deep thinking as to what things you'd like to change within the dynamic of your home and fine tune it then have a serious adult discussion (without placing blame) with your husband.

it is a huge adjustment. I would have it checked out by a doctor (esp. the frequent headaches and anxiety). But you may partly be exhausted as well (I know, what parent isn't?). Being chronically tired can also cause or increase irritiability and depressed mood. If you can get some help with childcare or make some adjustments in your schedule to get a bit more sleep it could help. I know if I can get enough sleep and a little time to myself I can be much nicer to my family (if not it can get ugly).

It is a HUGE transition to go from not having children to having a baby. Your focus changes. I don't know if you are currently working or not, but I know I worked up until I had my first child. It was horrible. I knew that I was caring for another life, but I always felt like my husband was resenting me because I was no longer bringing in money, that in itself was a big thing for me. I went from always working full time and always having my own money, to suddenly having to ask my husband for grocery money, or to go to the store with me. (Which he was ALWAYS willing to do, it just really hurt my pride)
It does get better. I swear. I would say, that if you are able, you might want to see if you can get a weekend get-away for you and your husband. You would need a few rules though, like "The majority of the conversations cannot be about the baby" or "The focus of this trip is just for us to have a little 'us time'." If you can't get away for a whole weekend, then at least an afternoon and a dinner with out the baby. I know that for me, that is difficult because I have horrible "Mom Guilt" but you still need that time with your husband, if for nothing else to remember that you are still husband and wife, not just Mommy and Daddy.

Do you think you might be having some hormonal issues post-childbirth? Either way, you've had a HUGE change in your life, and probably a whole lot less sleep, so it's normal to be moody, but I wanted to ask about hormones b/c I had a bad case of the baby blues and I have two friends who had severe cases of postpartum depression. Or, alternatively, you might want to ask if your husband could be doing more to help with the baby. I can also get myself into a situation when I'm resentful but don't quite admit it to myself, and then I lash out randomly.

Oh sweetie..you sound so down in the dumps. If the weather is nice..put the baby in a stroller and get outside for some fresh air and thinking time. You have few hours before hubby comes home. Take time during the walk and think about the things you will do to make your hubby want to come home to you everyday. 'Cuz nagging, lashing out and being moody is not gonna cut it for very much longer. Those things will quickly grow resentment and a wedge between you.

The first baby was the hardest for me. It is such a transition time. You are transition from being simply husband and wife to now mommy and daddy too. Taking care of a little one is exhausting,emotionally and physically draining and can be monotonous. On the flip side it can also be soooo fun and such a sweet experience. There is a lot of learning that will happen as you maneuver through this stage.

I found it helpful to go out on regular dates with my husband without baby. It helped me to also find some regular time to be alone or go out with girlfriends. I made sure everyday that I talked to an adult...call a friend or family member on the phone and just chat and laugh. Everyday I get exercise too...oh that is such a simple yet helpful tool for emotional well being.

Find some info on how to deal with stress and anxiety. I don't know if you need pills, only a doctor can assess that. YOu may simply need more sleep,exercise, water, healthier meals, good vitamin regimen, a hobby etc. So many simple things out there can help relieve stress and anxiety.

You need to let some things go. Don't try to live up to anyone else's expectations of how your home should be kept, how you should raise your child etc. Sometimes moms get all worked up with stress and anxiety because they have this "perfect" image of how they think they should be and they cannot attain it without running themselves into the ground. Be your own version of Mom...don't compare yourself to the Jones'.

As for your hubby. Ask him for help around the house or to play with your baby so you can take a breather. He can not read your mind and he is having a hard time transitioning to being a daddy too...especially if you are constantly nagging or barking at him.

Good luck and best wishes at finding some peace of mind soon.

I had to go on Wellbutrin for post pardum... Yes, nearly a year after my daughter was born.

It should get better. You need to discuss these issues with your OB.

I think it's normal, it's a hard adjustment. My baby is 10 months and I'm struggling with the same thing. There are just so many things that change and that you have to juggle as a mom, it's impossible for something, some relationship or aspect of your life to not suffer. I try to make time for myself, to exercise, get out and step away from it all. If you can get some help with the stress, then you'll be happier and in turn be a better wife. I've learned to warn my husband/communicate with him when I'm feeling "on the verge" of a meltdown. I ask for help, and try to take one thing at a time. It's easier said than done. But I understand: I feel like most of the time I am snipping at my husband as well. we are trying really hard to make time for ourselves and time for "us" so that we don't go crazy and I don't rip his head off ;-)

I would say that your behavior is typical of a fatigue, stressed out mom who is learning the ropes of balancing motherhood and being a wife. Probably a little depression thrown in. Is your husband helpful as well? Sometimes, when a husband helps out, with the baby and household chores, it can make a huge difference. If you are lashing out and finding it hard to cope, than talk to your Dr, you may need some anti-depressant meds to help regulate your hormones. It is fairly typical, I know many new moms who have never had an issue pre-motherhood, need to take meds for a while after having a baby. For now, try and remain clam, focus your energy and appreciate your spouse, take some time for yourself as well.

Please, please get screened for PostPartum Depression. Anxiety is a classic symptom of PPD. I had it and it DOES get better with treatment. Having said all of that, what you are experiencing with the hubby is also really normal, and it will get better too. Having a baby is a HUGE change. It took us until the baby was 2 or 2.5 to start to feel like we got our lives back. So hang in there, and get screened for PPD!!!!

Remember yoy had your husband BEFORE you had your baby, to many wives forget that. We had 3 and it just made us more complete, I never treated my husband different because we had kids, now they are grown and my husband and I have 30 years of marriage. You know the problem, now fix it, people telling you this is all normal will not help you correct the problem all that will do will validate it and thats not what you need. I pray it will all work out. J.

Go take a walk and get some exercise. that really helps with endorphins. It's amazing how it can help keep you off medication. As for you and your husband, there is a great book by Dr. Laura called The Care and Feeding Of husbands. I will tell you I am all for womens rights and did not want to read it but it is amazing how much it helps marriages esp those after having children. Keep your head up, make sure you get dressed and put on makeup everyday. When you feel good about how you look, it really helps how you feel.

My wife and I had our first child 6 days before our 1st anniversary (12 months). She wasn't a "good wife" either. And I wasn't a "good husband". But we weren't trying to be that way. We just didn't know.

If I could go back and relive that time with the knowledge I have today I would have been a real good husband. And if my wife could go back and relive that time again with the knowledge she has today, she would have been a real good wife. You live and learn.

Julie L., Rachael D., and Sherry P. all have given you excellent ideas. Re-read their comments.

I didn't know I should be helping my wife more. I was happy with things they way they were when we first got married and didn't want them to change. My wife didn't ask for help because she figured it was her responsibility. Change. Tell your husband what he could do to be helpful. My wife told me to stay out of the kitchen. The kitchen was HER domain. So when I could have helped with dinner, I didn't because she didn't want my help. When I could have helped changing a diaper, I didn't. That was HER job. I tried to help hold the bottle, but she wouldn't let me. ;~)) (She was nursing. Sorry, a little humor.)

Tell your husband if he would help with the baby, or the cooking, or the shopping, or what ever you need so you can have some time quiet time, resting time and with him time, he would probably jump at the chance. I would have. I just didn't know and she didn't know. When the baby came, her mom and my mom were 3000 miles away. I was in my officer's basic training for the Army. We were both super busy and fatigued.

You recognize the problem. Now you have some good ideas. Now you can work on the problem and make it much better. If your husband doesn't know how to cook or shop, I'm sure you have some friends in the area that can help teach him, if you can't. (Be sure to say and show "thank you." It goes a long way.)

Good luck to you and yours.

Didn't read all the answers, but when you get checked, have your vitamin d level checked and your thyroid levels too. I an definitely relate to the anxiety part. Talk to your Dr. And talk to your husband too. Tell him it isn't him and ask for his support.

It sounds to me as if you might have post-partum depression that isn't being addressed. The anxiety is a huge red flag for it. So is the fact that you're getting so many headaches, your relationship with your husband isn't the same, and your feelings aren't the same as well as lashing out for petty things. Those are all classic signs of PPD.

Please make an appointment with your primary care physician for PPD and s/he can refer you to a good psychiatrist (can Rx meds) or psychologist (can't Rx meds) for therapy. Please do this immediately. I've BTDT, and therapy has been the only thing that helped dig me out and give me the tools to maintain myself and my family.

You also need to make sure that you're getting time to yourself apart form being a mother and a wife. You need to make time for yourself and your husband away from the baby. You need to reconnect as a couple. It might be difficult to do all of that if you don't take care of your emotional needs first. You can help build up the good chemicals ie. hormones in your body if you start walking for exercise, by the way. Endorphins and serotonin will help elevate your mood.

Having a baby changes everything....... I sometimes feel that way when I feel like I have no time for myself........ and with my husband. I would say you need some 'me time' so you can feel like yourself again......... and you need a weekly date night...... Make it a priority! You know the saying- "Happy wife, happy life................."

Good luck!

Definitely contact your primary physician or your OB/GYN and make an appointment to discuss the anxiety, moodiness, etc.

I have suffered with chronic anxiety and depression since my daughter was 2 and it is also genetic in my family. The medications for me have been life savers. Not everyone needs to take them forever but the side effects are minimal and they will help you so much!

Also be sure to do something for you at least once a week, even if its a walk alone at a park listening to your favorite music or looking around a store for a while. You need to decompress!!!! You work hard and its 24/7.

Give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing your issues and talk to your hubby about what you plan to do to help.

I felt this way the first few months of new baby but it got better for sure by the time my daughter was one. Sounds like you may need to seek out some help for what you are going through.

I dont know if you are still nursing, but unitl I stopped, which was when my dd was about 13 months, I had absolutley no sex drive. To be honest, I didnt even really want to cuddle or be touched. After having a baby clinging to you all day and being in mommy mode, its hard to switch off and be in 'woman' mode again. Plan one special surprise for your husband each week, even if its something small, and tell him what you just posted here, Im sure he feels similar and doesnt know what to do. Good luck!