I Am Having a Hard Time Sorting Out My Feelings...

Maybe you could have gotten someone to put the kids to bed since they were already fed, dressed, etc. Is there a girl in the neighborhood who could do that sometimes? One you know and trust?
Anyhow, this is a complicated situation and you both need to talk to someone who is a counselor or middle person. He needs to go with you and get this out and settled.

Well, I'm torn here. I'm wondering if you actually told him that you were going to run around & get everything prepped for him ahead of time to make your absence easier on him or if you just did it assuming then he would be appeased? You really didn't say which one it was. To me, if you did tell him & he said, "Ok, as long as I have to do next-to-nothing for our children this evening, then yes, go have fun" & then changed his mind, well, he's a jerk. If you didn't tell him, you just did it assuming then he would be happy & you could go without further argument, well, we see how that turned out.

My own personal opinion...? You should have told him what you were doing, but once it was all done, he was a complete dick to still essentially act as though he's your parent & not allowing you to go. Furthermore, you are an enabler for allowing this type of behavior in your home.

I love theater as well, I'm a thespian over here! I would have left anyways ,but then again I've always wanted to do a flash mob. I understand he not wanting you to take barely paid jobs that require weeks/months rehearsing, plus the performances, that does take away form family time.

But this was ridiculous. Is he jealous of you doing this, does he not trust you or think you are going to run away with some actor man? Had you needed to go to the grocery store that night, would he have said okay? My husband gives me a hassle about some things too, but you are definitely making compromises here.

It's almost like the Cinderella story, where the wicked step mother said she could go to the ball, "if..." then, when Cinderella accomplished all those extra tasks, the step mother pretty much said, "nevermind, you can't go."

I would definitely communicate with him about this. This is your outlet, paid or not, and you deserve to do something every once and a while, You should not have to ask for permission, and he is the father and is also responsible for bathing/feeding the kids and putting them to bed.

I disagree with almost every mom here. I don't think you were wrong. You found a way to solve a problem and did it.

I just have to wonder, what kind of parent needs NOTICE to watch their own kids!? Especially kids that are fed/bathed and dressed for bed? Nice? Yes. Requirement? NO!!!

I also don't think that under normal circumstances that 7 and 4 are too young to be left in the house watching tv.

I would be more mad the he was treating me like a child "I'm sorry you feel that way". Really? Patronizing me is the fastest way to piss me off! So what? He's sorry that you busted your butt to take care of the kids so that he wouldn't have to (and by the way, that's part of his job discription) and he still told you you couldn't go because of short notice? Nope. I'd have just walked out the door. The fight would have still happened but at least you got to go to the flash mob and HE would be the angry one. Then you could tell him that you're sorry he's angry about taking care of his own children for a few hours on the rare occasion that you got to do something you were passionate about.

Updated

I disagree with almost every mom here. I don't think you were wrong. You found a way to solve a problem and did it.

I just have to wonder, what kind of parent needs NOTICE to watch their own kids!? Especially kids that are fed/bathed and dressed for bed? Nice? Yes. Requirement? NO!!!

I also don't think that under normal circumstances that 7 and 4 are too young to be left in the house watching tv.

I would be more mad the he was treating me like a child "I'm sorry you feel that way". Really? Patronizing me is the fastest way to piss me off! So what? He's sorry that you busted your butt to take care of the kids so that he wouldn't have to (and by the way, that's part of his job discription) and he still told you you couldn't go because of short notice? Nope. I'd have just walked out the door. The fight would have still happened but at least you got to go to the flash mob and HE would be the angry one. Then you could tell him that you're sorry he's angry about taking care of his own children for a few hours on the rare occasion that you got to do something you were passionate about.

A couple of thoughts here. First, a lack of direct communication from you both. He said he couldn't deal with the kids routines as the reason you shouldn't go- he obviously just used that as an excuse. So you took care of that, but never really told him ahead of time. You both took an indirect route and didn't communicate clearly- him saying he just plain doesn't want you to go, and you by not saying there's no reason you shouldn't be going.

But PLEASE don't take that in any way meaning that this is your fault. He is being totally unreasonable. And it sounds like you have a dynamic going in which you feel you need to ask permission to do something and he feels he has the power to say yes or no. The communication thing doesn't help, but I would say this is your biggest issue.

I don't blame you for feeling disappointed and angry at all. Yes, he deserves a thank you for doing the yard, but you deserve a thank you for taking care of the kids, etc. You both work hard and do a lot for your family. And though it takes a little flexibility to be able to do something like the flash mob on short notice, there is no reason you should have missed it (how fun by the way- love flash mobs!!).

Personally, it sounds like you need to renegotiate the terms of your marriage. Either on your own or in counseling. What will make him feel ok about the events/work that you want to do? What will make you feel fulfilled and involved in the arts? How do you meet in the middle?

Good luck...

I think he is unreasonable.

I think he is trying to decide where you go and what you do. What is he afraid of? Does it really bother him that you spend time away from the family, or does is he really insecure that you could find some personal success and pleasure without him? The latter is what it sounds like to me.

You are a wife and a mother, sure. You are also your own person, with your own gifts and talents, goals and interests. You have a right to pursue those, especially if you are trying to do it in a way that doesn't leave him with the bulk of your responsibilities.

You should have just gone. He might have been mad, but if he isn't going to take responsiblity to ensure that you are happy and fulfilled, then you need to.

He was absolutely in the wrong.

I would have been really angry and I would have left with my friend to be honest. Your 7 and 4 year old could have gone out in the backyard and hung out with Dad or they could have hung inside and watched tv until bedtime - this things have a way of working themselves out if you let them.

No offense but your hubby sounds like a brat. He didn't want you to go - period - so he made a bunch of lame excuses that you then ran around like a crazy person to rectify (really - can't feed his own kids dinner and get them to bed??) then still pulled the "no you can't go" card.

Sorry you had to deal with this but next time maybe you need to be SUPER DUPER CLEAR - ie - I'm getting the kids ready for the evening and then I AM LEAVING.

He's a grown man, right?

R.,
Im so sorry you didn't go and I so don't think you are acting like a child. Even adults can get disappointed! You have every right to be and I don't know your dynamics but would it have killed him to watch the kids? Maybe he is jealous of that part of your life? He doesn't support you when it comes to theatre and I personally think its its a shame! Imo he used the kids to keep you there and that is incredibly selfish. Are y'all married or is he your dad? This just makes me mad for you and im sure you take wonderful care of him, his kids and the home and you have a passion too. I think talking to him will be like talking to a brick wall so I wouldn't say another word about it. He knows how you feel but in conclusion, he got what he wanted. Next time, you go. I am all for equally sharing lives and checking in with each other but why can he go and you can't? Im a butt head so I wouldn't let it go and next time he got his selfish, narrow behind ready to go somewhere best believe I would magically have something to do and the kids would be all his. See how he likes it! Im sorry your disappointed love. You get to looking for your next adventure! If I was closer than 5 hours away you could bring the kids here to play!! Good luck mama!

You're not over reacting (esp. b/c he goes off an does things w/ his friends and you support him).

I too get the whole "it takes too much time and your not paid" argument... would be nice if there was some flexibility in it, but I get it. BUT what he did to you this weekend is nothing like that. He was being a controlling a-hole. In fact a big huge A-hole - esp. when you met everyone of his 'demands' prior to wanting to leave. I'd be pissed off.

Here's a little sales 101 tip ... it helps you uncover the REAL reason someone doesn't want to buy from you (or in your case why your hubby didn't want you to go).

When he gives you his reason(s) for objecting - in this case: pick up from neighbors, dinner, etc. you say to him " so, if I pick up the children, etc. (repeat all of his concerns VERBATIM ) then is there anything else that would cause you to not to be able to watch the kids tonight?"

Then you don't say a word.

If he comes up with yet another thing then you repeat the above scenario and add the 'new' item in. Then you don't say a word.

If he keeps adding random things then you know it's not about the 'things' it's something deeper and you say to him "so this really isn't about getting the kids dinner, etc. ... what is it about?" AND YOU DON"T SAY A WORD. If you're able to do this (and stay silent!!!) you will finally arrive at what he's really trying to control/ is afraid of.

Sorry he was such a jerk..... I hope that this helps.

R.,
Lots going on here.
The first thing that jumps out is that you have to ASK to participate in an interest, hobby, whatever you want to call it. And that you have already been informed that "he does not want me auditioning or working in theater right now (as it takes a lot of time away from family in the evenings and for the most part is not paid)...he had even told me that commercial/film auditions are frowned upon as well" Really? Do YOU have any say in your life?
Then you had to ask permission for a O. evening event and he agreed--only to renege later AFTER you jumped through all of the prescribed hoops and loops.
Not only were YOU disappointed, his selfishness had an effect on your friend.
THEN he had the nerve to give you the old "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" apology, which is not an apology at all. It's just a tried-and-true way to shift the focus to your inferior feelings and interests. Sort of implying that "you know better than to try to put anything ahead of exactly what I want you to do--so why the inappropriate response of anger and hurt"!

How do you "get over" your anger? Well, too late now for this event (how handy for your husband--bet he's in a better mood today, right?) but if this is important to you, he needs to know that and try better next time.

Where do you go from here? Are you OK having your life dictated by your husband? Then, I guess it will be easy to keep the peace and live life via his demands. If you're not OK with it, then I guess give him as much time as possible to plan for your next gig---and GO.

Not trying to be harsh here, I just have a really hard time with men who believe that making money=power and the right to dictate the free will of those around them.

Sorry that you missed your flash mob and that he acted like a jerk.
Good luck!

I think there are two issues here:

First, I also am confused on whether you actually told him, if I get the kids all ready so all you have to do is put them to bed, could I go then? If you just assumed if you did that it would be ok, then you are in the wrong.

Secondly, if theater is your passion then you need a serious talk with your husband. It sounds as though he was only making up an excuse because he really didn't want you to go. You are going to continue to grow resentment against your husband if you feel your dream/passion isn't being met. It sounds as though he needs to compromise a little more.

Sounds like your hubby is VERY controlling and I'm sorry for that. It also sounds like there isn't much communication between you two. First of all, I wouldn't ASK permission to do anything. You had the kids ready for bed and they are old enough to be inside alone while daddy is outside in the back yard, or they could have played out back..something. It seems like there were so many workable situations for you to go and hubby just wanted to be the boss. You should have left. I hope things get better for you.

OOPS! After further reading, I realize my response wasn't so different from some other posters... at least not 2a.

I have a kind of different take on this than most ladies.

1. I agree with most that he needs to let you do your passion. This is something you love and he needs to be more accomodating for you.

2a. When he told you that getting the kids ready for bed was too much to do my inner wifey jumped up and said "well, I do it every night! Why is it not too much for me, but it's too much for you?" But that's me - and an issue my husband and I have been working through....

However - this is where I differ...

2b. When he told you that it was too much for him to do, you unilaterally decided to "fix it." You never asked him "if I take care of getting the kids ready for bed, is this something you can do for me?" (At least, you didn't say you did.) Instead, you blindsided him as you were ready to leave. He didn't have any prior knowledge that he might need to adjust his plans for the yard to allow you do something you love.

3. You said "he thinks he did nothing in his actions that caused disappointment." Because he didn't. He did something. You felt a certain way. He nor his actions caused your feelings. Another person might not have thought twice of it. You cannot blame your husband for how you feel. There's nothing wrong with how you feel, but it's only under your control - not his.

Now, with that said, I agree with other posters that you need to have a sit-down conversation about why he has such an issue with you pursuing your passion.

My husband sounds a lot like yours - he made excuses for everything he didn't want to do. Yours is making excuses to prevent you from doing something you want to do.

You need to get to the bottom of his issue with your theater stuff. Heck - maybe he's insecure that you have this passion with your best friend and he and the family will be left behind. From your post, it sounds like you really have no idea why he doesn't want you doing this type of thing - he gives a different excuse each time.

My guess is that if this type of scene replayed 10 times, and you found a way around his excuse each time, he would have 10 more excuses as to why you couldn't go.

Talk to him when you're not trying to go do something like this - make it a completely neutral time (it works best for me and my husband when we're out on a date - easier to talk). Get to the bottom of his issues with this and then deal with those.

It almost sounds like he wants to be "enough" for you - that you shouldn't need to seek fulfillment or enjoyment outside of him. He "busts his hump" to do things (he sees as doing it for you) and then you want to go off and indulge in this passion he doesn't understand or appreciate.

I haven't read the other responses . . .

I would be curious to know what your relationship with your dad was like. It almost sounds like you were needing your husband to nurture and affirmatively support your interest in theater and drama (which sounds more parental in nature - and that's no criticism at all - it's great when spouses can do a little bit of that).

He sounds hyper-logical, and you sound emotional (which makes for a great actor).

If I were you (and of course this is hindsight, always 20-20) - I would have simply told him "honey, I'm going to get Friend over here to help me get the kids squared away, and then we're heading to this project, so you'll need to be back in the house by Xpm. Thanks and love ya!").

You probably need to be more direct with him, and then willing to incur his displeasure (provided it's not ridiculous) at the change in plans. After all, you go through that all the times with the kids, I'm sure. But you suck it up and move on!

I think your biggest problem is wanting him to read your mind, and/or support you the way a parent would. That's hard for most men.

I hope that doesn't come across the wrong way! JMO.

I am so sorry that you had to miss something that was really important to you. Your husband was just not being fair to you. How could he say that picking them up, dinner and bath is too much for him? That is just crazy to me? Those are his children and he should be able to do the samething that you do. If he gave that response to his boss at work he could easily loose this job. Ugh! I am so angry with him for doing that to you! You asked should you drop it? how much resentment and anger will you have if you drop it? Me, myself I would push my point because I would not allow this type of thing to happen again and that would not happen unless he knew how deeply troubled I was by his actions and responses. I wish I could give you some profound advise but the only thing I could offer is.. This too shall pass. Hugs to you.

I have seen this time and time again. Expressive and artistic people who married not only non E&A people as well as marry people who don't appreciate the arts (and all the drama and emotion that comes with it) end up feeling resentful through the years. Some of them feel they end up in loveless marriages and become angry and depressed, wondering what could have been. Some of them awaken the inner starlet, leave their families and never look back, feeling like they deserve this time to themselves before they get "too old".

Like I said, I've seen this time and time again...mostly middle aged women, unhappy with their lives.

For someone who isn't very supportive of your career and interests to begin with, I don't blame him for being mad. It was kind of unrealistic of you to expect him to be gung ho about you giving him 3 hrs notice of leaving.

You are both different. You both have to find balance. Right now, don't hold him accountable for recent events like the Halloween flash mob. Forget that. Right now, focus on where you can find compromise and balance in the future and start working towards that.

Alot of women, theatrical or not, find themselves in the same boat - they have hobbies, interests or careers they want to fulfill, but are married to spouses who aren't supportive of those particular things. Soem of those spouses don't know how, some of them don't want to change. Whatever your case, find a way to be more realistic about your marriage and your spouse, while at the same time, doing the things you love to do within the realms he gives you/you give yourself.

I commend you though for making the efforts you already are by taking care of your family. Continue to take care of them, let your husband know he is a top priority for you and keep your dreams alive!

If you only described the incident from the one day, I would say it is a misunderstanding. He didn't want to work all day in the yard, and you spung something on him and unilaterally tried to fix the situation, when he saw it as a last minute change of plans after a hard day outside. You two jus thad different understandings/expectations and didn't communicate fully your feelings to one another.

But in the context of everything else you wrote about you keeping him happy while he seems to do as he please... well that just infuriates me. There is very little I would ever need my husband's approval to do - things like spenidng a large part of our savings or taking a job that required a long commute or cut my salary. I think it is awful you feel you can't make choices for yourself about a vocation or hobby you enjoy. You aren't talking about taking a fulltime acting job for crying out loud. Your own words make you sound like you feel undervalued. If my husband.asked me not to do something I cared about or "frowned upon" me doing something for myself, I would be furious. I know lots of adult theatre types...they pick and choose the shows they do based on the time committment certainly, and may limit the number they do in a year... but I don't know any who would give it up because their spouse wants them to be available for them all the time. I admit, I might get annoyed if my husband had an activity that kept him away from home day after day all the time, but for several weeks or months out of the year? If he loved it? I would support him. I am just really sad for you that you seem to feel like you aren't supported in this.

I don't think it's wrong that you are disappointed. It's only natural. Something you love doing so much and you hardly ever get to do it. I do not think that it's right your hubby prevents you from practicing your art. HOWEVER, I will say, it sounds like an error in communication. Hubby told you he couldn't take care of the kids and finish up his yard work and that it was too short of notice. Well, did you confirm with him before calling your friend that he wouldn't mind coming in to stay with the kids if you made sure to get them ready for bed first? OR maybe you two could have compromised and you hurry up, get the kids ready for bed and in comfy clothes (not pjs yet) and let them play in the yard while dad works in the yard until it's time to come in? Then all he would have had to do was have them get in their jammies and brush their teeth. At 4 and 7 those are things they could do themselves anyway. So, bottom line. I understand why you are upset and that is perfectly natural, but I also see why your husband is upset. I think it all could have been avoided with more conversation between you two. Good luck mama!

Well, it does sound like he was being selfish. But men are very slow-witted and need everything spelled out for them. :) You said when he told you it was too much (first of all PLEASE, your kids are 4 and 7 and he can't do dinner and bedtime???) you said "Ok, I get it." and then raced inside and did everything. What you should have said: "Honey, this is something I really want to do so I am going to do my best to get the kids fed, bathed and ready for bed--and get ready for this event at the same time. Then all you need to do is come in and brush their teeth," (or whatever). Then he would have understood he needs to wrap up what he is working on and take over. My husband would not like it if I interrupted what he was doing and was like "Come inside now and take over in here." Like a grumpy toddler, he has a hard time with transitions and needs a "warning."

That being said, it's pathetic, isn't it, that you were able to get the kids completely ready and get ready yourself at the same time, and he couldn't even just deal with the kids. It is SOOOO the difference between men and women, moms and dads.

I feel your pain, Sista!

Wow. Where were the flags when you two first got together? Did he have issues with you in theater then? Did you not take heed to his reactions? Or perhaps you thought you could change him into something else? I ask these questions because many times a person will let you in on little things before you marry. This gives you an inside as to whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with them as they can become deal breakers.

Since when does a wife have to ask permission to do something outside of the home like a hobby? I have many hobbies and seek them out regularly. In some ways these are the things that keep me sane. I have always sewed and still do to this day. Yes, my house is upside down due to a water leak and now new carpet coming but I still sew. My husband even encourages me. He said last night that he was happy to see me happy doing something that I loved.

Please seek counseling to get to the bottom of this. Perhaps he feels insecure about your ability to do something that brings much praise and encourages you to bloom and blossom into a whole human being.

I wish you luck and happiness. I am sorry about you missing your flash mob thing. Please start a "me" time on the home schedule where you do get out and do your own thing. Make it so that he has to take care of his children so that they get quality daddy time. It took of you to get them here it will take two of you to grow them up. He needs to put his big box boxers on and man up to this.

Enough said from me.

Happy a wonderful day.

The other S.

PS There has got to be some great workshops in San Antonio find one and enjoy.

This is a pretty hard situation to work with. Your husband gave you a reason why you couldn't go, you and your friend together took care of the issues he listed, then he decided he still wasn't going to let you go because he wanted to do whatever it was he was doing.
This is a problem with him keeping his word to you, his lack of consideration for your efforts.
Your hurt because there has been a betrayal of trust here. You trusted that if you met his requirements then you could go out, but he backed out on what he said to you. It's a lack of respect and consideration when he decided that his chores were more important than want you wanted.
You have one of two choices, you can let it go and keep the peace. Yes, this will set a prescient for future events, and may change your relationship with him and how you will see each other.
Or...you can deal with this now and put a stop to it. You may have to tell your husband that you are angry/disappointed in him, not just the situation. That this time "he" hurt you. This may not go well, since he "exploded" in anger when you told him that you were upset, but you need to hold your ground and let him know that your feelings, your efforts, your needs and your wants can not be disregarded.
If I was dealing with my husband I would tell him that he has broken the trust I have in him as a person and changed my view of my importance to him. That I would need to see a real effort on his part to rectify this situation, because I need to trust him and know that I'm valued.

Read your SWH and my answer agrees with your post...

R.:

You are NOT over reacting. Adults get disappointed to. You are NOT acting like a child.

I am upset for you. It sounds like your husband is VERY controlling and that would bother me.

I've left my kids at 7 and 5 inside the house with their daddy out back while I ran to the store or went and got a pedicure. I don't know if your kids are special needs or not, I would assume not since they were at a play date without you.

It sounds as if your marriage is very one-sided...towards your husband. He gets to go out and do things - and it's all fine and dandy to leave you and the kids home alone, but you want to do something that makes you smile and happy and he can't be bothered?

The kids had been fed and ready for bed. You should have left. I would have. Then again, I don't have a husband that squelches me or discourages me from doing what will make my heart sing! And the Arts makes your heart sing...

Next time TELL him what you are doing. Don't ask for permission. he is your PARTNER NOT YOUR DAD. Tell him what you need from him. Period. And if he wants to take off with his buddies and do something that is fun for him? Did he ASK YOU? You deserve respect to. And he's not giving it to you.

If he makes enough money to keep the house afloat, then you should be able to audition for parts and be allowed to network in the arts. When he goes out and has fun - that too takes away from family time. But that's okay for him to go out? You need to take care of yourself and do things for you as well. he needs to stop controlling you and you need to stop allowing him to control you. Just because you are a SAHM does NOT mean that you are "kept" at home. You have a life to. Live it.

Good luck!

you know, I honestly believe your situation is 50/50 on the percentages as to who's at fault.

NO, you should not "have" to ask your DH if you can pursue an interest. That part of your relationship needs some work. One ? I have is: if he spent all of that time working outside..what were you doing? Were you equally responsible working inside...& could you have been outside working with him? The jobs could have been accomplished in 1/2 the time if you'd worked together....thereby creating a more equal partnership....which would then lead into a better give/take dynamic within your marriage. & would have allowed for free time for you to hit the flash mob :) I mean seriously, he was outside busting his butt....& you wanted to go play!

& YES, he was a jerk when he changed his mind over your plans. That was just outright dirty....& yet, I bet he was whoooped....working all week, doing all of the yardwork, & then faced with the thought of babysitting on top of it...while you were out having fun. Hmm, even on this one - being a jerk & all....nope I feel sorry for him...... Honestly, think about it! Even the "chores" you did...your friend was there to help you!

Unfortunately, one of your deepest love/interest in life, does affect your marriage & family. It's sporadic, it's capricious, & it's low-paying. At this point, it's not a supporting career for you....& it does create cost - both financially & emotionally for your family.

My thoughts: find a way to create better dynamics within your family & he might be more wiling to open up a little bit more. You're married, you have kids, you have a home to care for......playtime/funtime - even within the spectrum of your career interests - comes after your other life choices. & this will become easier when the kids are older!

I wish you Peace, I hope you find ways to better incorporate your chosen life & your passions.....I want you to have it all!

Well, it's scriptworthy - but perhaps overdone.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all could just TALK to each other and LISTEN to each other? But it doesn't happen. He doesn't want you to do your theater gig so he gets too busy. You retaliate by giving him the cold shoulder the rest of the evening. He says, "I don't know why you're so mad," and you say, "I don't know why you're so difficult!"

Well, it happens in every household, I think... but it can escalate into a war with little effort.

My husband seriously objected to my theater work. Big time. Since it made trouble at home, I dropped it. Now that the children are grown up, I'm back to it.

However, maybe you won't have to do that.

If you all do a lot of mis-talking, it could be a good idea to ask a counselor how really to communicate with one another. If your husband doesn't care to go, go yourself and learn to communicate with him, anyhow.

If you can put yourself in your husband's place (which you should be able to do with your drama experience), you could try to think about what could possibly be sticking in his craw. Is it possibly something about your friend?