I Am Full of Questions Today....

A head hunter/ job placement officer/ unemployment office staff can probably give him these tips and pointers re: appearance, and attitude. You are right, desperation shines through and is palpable. A good tip would be to have him be videoed in a mock interview and to see himself and what impression he leaves. Camera can get smashed, but not "napalmed"

Best,
F. B.

Your personal assessment is ALL over the map on your brother:

"My brother is a stubborn, closed-minded man, with a streak of impatience and disrespect

my brother is overweight, not fashion forward and does not look competitive

He is intelligent, kind-hearted and well educated"

I think it's awesome that you want to help your brother. But seldom do stubborn, closed-minded people welcome input, especially from those closest to him.

The intelligent, kind hearted and well educated peeps are typically insightful enough to ask for direction when necessary.

So my guess is that your last assessment is off. He's not picking up on normal social interviewing strategies.

One possible approach is to forward well written articles specifically about "Job Interview Strategies' and you could add your own impressions, in a gentler voice though.

Its natural for you to care for your brother. Some of these concerns you mention have to fall away though.

For example. His mean temper. Has nothing to do with getting a job. He could shoot himself in the foot once he has one by mistreating co-workers, but he's not going to change his personality, and he's not going to be mean to his interviewers, so let that go for now.

His desperation. You could be right about it hurting his odds, but there is nothing anyone can do about that either. My best friend has been a success in the corporate world for decades and after two companies downsized, she's been unemployed for over 2 years! She is DESPERATE! And she is a true professional with no flaws. Times are tough. Everyone applying for jobs is desperate. So if a company needs an employee and they don't want to snatch one who is already employed somewhere else, he will eventually find something. You can serve to ease his mind by being comforting and encouraging, but you can't make him not feel desperate.

His weight. Even if he listened to your opinion on his health with receptivity and started a healthy new program: He wouldn't lose weight immediately. And he's not going to do that. So let it go.

His style. Even if he listened to your opinion on his style...well he's not going to. And even if he went out and tried to invent a whole new look for himself, which he won't, and that costs too much money when you're unemployed....he'd feel weird in his skin. So. Let it go. Some places don't care what you look like.

He's created his own reality where he must find a job somewhere that allows him to be fat and unstylish and crabby but qualified. They're out there. He's an adult and he got himself fired by being mean. Don't piss him off by trying to change him. Just try to sympathize with how hard it is to find something but let him know you know he will.

Now if you think you can do something nice for him in the name of being supportive without pointing out his flaws, by all means! Say, "Hey, can I take you out for a nice new interview outfit/hair cut to brighten your day? My treat?" And have some fashion tear sheets ready that will compliment him. "This would look great on you" not "What you wear is so ugly". You know what he'll be receptive to or not. Do your best and try not to worry too much.

You think it might be his look that is the problem - you talk about weight, haircut, suit style. I suspect, given your description of how he left his last job, that the problem might be his references. Unfortunately, there is not a thing you can do about that.

If he brings up the topic at all, you might suggest a temp agency or employment agency. A place like that might allow him to get some feedback from an objective source instead of family or friends.

If the relationship is already damaged, then I see no reason to try to approach him from a place of love. "Hey, bro, I was thinking and I'd like to get you a new suit for your birthday." Perhaps followed up with "Wow! You look so great! How about a new tie and a haircut?" If he gets defensive you can say, "Bro, I love you. I know you want to work and are looking for a job. Can I offer you this advice? Can I do this for you?" If he "napalms" the relationship, then he needs more help than a job, a haircut or a suit. It sounds like perhaps he could use some individual therapy to deal with the boulder on his shoulder. I think that would be more beneficial than hypnosis.

Or consider just a career counselor. I saw one when changing jobs. She offered me resume advice, interview advice and suggested what kind of suit to wear. Then it would be on the professional to help him out. Not you.

Agree with a poster below--reading this its REALLY hard to get s read on your bro's personality.
Thinks people are below him, less educated than him, sharp comments?
So he HAS the expertise but lacks interpersonal skills and presentation for a good impression.

Not sure there's much you can do except "Joe, I'm picking you up on Saturday & we're going to the mall and getting you some new clothes, a new suit and a good haircut. Be ready at 10:00. I want to do this because I think this might help your interviews/employment search."

Good luck!

If he's so intelligent and well-educated, then he knows that good employers don't hire people based on weight or dress. If he is so kind-hearted, then he wouldn't not have exploded in a meeting and gotten his butt fired. My guess is, it wasn't the first time he was inappropriate. From your description, he is arrogant, dismissive of others, hurtful (to coworkers, to you, to your husband. to everyone).

If he has decent eyesight, he knows that he doesn't dress or do his hair like others. Hopefully he is applying for jobs at companies where the HR people are a) obeying the law and not discriminating, and b) able to look at skills and professional demeanor. His problem is not fashion. It's that he has a long long gap in his unemployment, has bad references from his last job, and communicates his arrogance in interviews just as he does with you.

He has a networking group? Then he's looked around the room and has made a conscious decision not to dress or do his hair like others.

He does not need hypnosis. He needs a life coach and a career coach. There are people who work on people's resumes, rehearse interview questions with them, and help them target the right companies for the skill set involved. They may film his practice interviews (not a bad idea) and show him the tape, then help him hone his skills through additional practice. If he's depressed, he may also need therapy. He may need some of the free or low-cost courses offered by the state employment division, the public library, adult education center or community college. Taking action in these areas would show his desire to better himself.

But there is, honestly, nothing YOU can say to a depressed, angry, arrogant, dismissive individual that will make him change. There is no suit you can buy him and no haircut you can give him that will make up for the deficiencies in his professional demeanor. It's not about "believing" he can play the role. It's about learning the skills needed based on real data on today's job market. That ball is in his court.

If he's as smart as you say, he knows this but won't do anything about it. Or his arrogance is getting in the way and he's acting like everyone else is stupid and at fault. Either way, he's not going to budge from his current position.

You may just have to let him hit rock bottom. Otherwise it will become "your fault" in his mind.

My guess is on some level he knows all of this.

Yes I can relate. My brother has many issues as well and trying to "help" or "advise" him only makes things worse. He just becomes angry and defensive.
Sorry but you must realize there is nothing YOU can do, just continue to offer your love and support.

If you tell him he's not getting a job because he's fat and doesn't dress well, then yes, I can see why he would be offended.

If you contact his professional networking group and try to get them to tell him that he is fat and doesn't dress well, then I can see why he would be incredibly angry with you.

If you offer to buy him a suit and haircut to help in his job search *if he thinks it might help*, he'll likely not be offended. JMO.

Sidenote: Also, people who really want to work don't usually remain unemployed for three years.

I can relate. And can tell you from experience that no one will change him- he has to do that all on his own. So, my advice is to step back and let it go, as hard as that might be, and show your love for him in other ways.

When my company was sold we were given access to a company called Lee Hecht Harrison. They are all things about finding the right fit and getting back to work and having someone accountable to (if he will do it). You have a personal coach and access to groups, Webinars, résumé assistance, changing industries. I don't know what it costs because it was part of my severance package. They were the kindest people and so supportive. They really were honest about what was a waste of time and what worked.

When all you have is a hammer every problem looks like a nail. What I mean is you probably know little about what is needed to perform whatever career he has chosen but you know he dresses poorly and is overweight so you see that as the problem.

Sure potential employers base their first impression on attire and appearance but when you are hiring someone for their mind that tends to be a bit more important. What I mean is if your brother's ability is apparently he could be wearing a grocery sack and still get the job.

Of course you didn't mention if he works with the public, that he may have to seek out clients, sometimes that makes appearance more important.

Anyway, instead of seeing the problem through your eyes you need to see it from your brother's eyes. That means sitting down with him asking how it is going, seeing if there is anything you can help with. Trying to get him a makeover is more than likely to just add more stress. I mean imagine you have this list of things in your mind that you are trying to overcome to get a job and your sister comes along with, oh and you look bad too?

Oh and one thing I have seen people do who were fired that totally shoots them in the foot is they present in a way that appears they are defending why they were fired instead of why they should be hired. In other words they are focused on the old job and not the new and it shows

I'd say this is something his wife needs to address with him. Their marriage is going to have some serious issues if they start losing things like their house and then the other dominoes that follow along with that. As sad as it is he needs to wake up and either start an online business where his looks won't matter since he won't be facing people in real time or he needs to do a make over.

I can relate. I have brothers with personality deficits. One brother was fired after he shoved a co-worker against the wall while angry because he'd not left the keys where they were supposed to be or something like that. He had been fired from a previous job that he'd had for years because he let it show that he didn't like his boss. He judged the boss as a bad person because he was having an affair with an employee. Both were married to other people.

I tried to coach him in ways to handle his anger as well as how to get along with co-workers. He listened, was mildly angry a couple of times but did nothing to improve his people skills. I finally realized, thru counseling, that what he did and said was none of my business. If he asked for help, OK, but trying to change him would not work. In fact it was somewhat arrogant on my part To think I could change him. He is who he is and is responsible for himself.

looking back on my years in therapy I was only able to make changes when the counselor did not tell me what to do and I felt accepted by them just as I was. Because I wanted to change I sought advice from my counselors And only then could I work on changing myself.

Your brother isn't asking for help. I understand why he would get angry when given unsolicited advice. I was irritated when my friends and my boss criticized me. Only later did i recognize that their advice had a basis in fact. Giving unwanted advice will almost always back fire. If he hasn't figured this out by now, he's not going to accept your suggestions now.

It sounds to me that your brother has personality problems. My brother does. A big difference is my brother found another job a couple of months after he was fired. I suggest that your brother doesn't want a job bad enough to learn and make changes. He isn't learning how to be in an interview. I suspect he blames the ones who interviewed him.

You cannot change his personality. He is who he is. My first counselor suggested I read a book on co-dependence. Reading that helped me realize that my need to help someone change is a feature of codependency. I didn't want to accept that I was codependent. I thought I was helping people because I wanted them to change. Notice the number if I's in that sentence. I wanted them to change even tho they didn't want my advice. And that I was doing this because I loved them. Yes, I loved them. However, love means accepting the person as he is. When we love unconditionally it's possible the person will be able to ask for help eventually but not usually.

I also suggest that your brother isn't hired for a number of reasons that are complex. Appearance is not as important as attitude. His personality has developed over all the years since he was born. I suggest that for us to think we can change it is unreasonable.

You and your family are only responsible for yourselves. Your brother is responsible for himself. How would you feel if he told you, you have to dress differently? We have boundaries to keep ourselves happy because we are only responsible for ourselves. We can help when help is asked for but only then