I Am a Pushover - HELP

Here's a way to look at it.

Your son NEEDS boundaries. Not only does he need it, he wants it. Boundaries make him feel secure. So when you have to be big, bad Mommy ;), you're making him feel better about himself.

Another thing to think of when you have to discipline him, if you don't, what are his teachers going to do with him once he goes to school? If gets to run all over Mom, he's going to expect to run over everyone and it's going to cause problems for him.

Btw, don't beat yourself up too much. Some people call me strict, and even I have my times when I'm a pushover. :D

I have just read the response from Sue W. She is definitely experienced and very wise in her advice. May I add. Think about 'what will matter in 20 years'. My aunt, a school principle advised me to pick my battles by thinking about this. If you envision a young man or young woman about 23 years old. What behaviors will make a difference in their career, relationships, and future success. Selfishness. Rudeness. Thoughtlessness. Entitlement. Children learn their values very early. They learn quickly from what they observe and what we allow them to do. Think about how you want them to treat you, others, and especially other adults later in their lives. This may help you to be firm. You are shaping the adults they will become and the people someone will WANT to marry. You are shaping the parents they will be. Good luck.

J.,

I think it's good that you recognize that you are a pushover, and realize you need to change your ways. Congratulations for being so honest with yourself. My opinion is that misbehavior really needs to be corrected as early as possible. The longer the child gets away with misbehaving, the worse it will get and the harder it will be for you to deal with it. He needs to understand that when you say something, you mean it. If he is mis-behaving in a store, tell him you'll leave if he doesn't stop. If he doesn't stop, then leave...even if you have to leave a full shopping cart. He has to learn that what mommy says, goes. I would recommend picking up a book or two on the topic as there are many methods out there.

J.,

I am an early intervention specialist for babies birth to 3 years old. I am also the parent of two strong willed adult children and a grandmother to a beautiful, strong willed 3 and a half year old. A few suggestions...
Pick your battles. Toddlers can argue and have temper tantrums over the smallest things.
What worked well with my children
1. Do not try to reason with a two year old. It simply does not work.
2. Always have with you a small container with crayons, paper and a few favorite toys and snacks to have on hand when you are away from home. Only let them have this container when you are away from home. Let it be small favorite things.
3. Ingnore the temper tantrums as best as you can. If possible walk a few feet away but still keep them in sight. Trying to calm a child having a temper tantrum rarely works. If you are out in public I suggest if possible stop what you are doing and take your child home. If you aren't able to go home right at that moment take your child out to the car and strap him in his carseat. Tell him calmly that you will go back to what you are doing when he is done misbehaving. When he stops ask if he is ready to continue with what you were doing. If he isn't, tell him you will wait till he is ready. I was fortunate enough that I only had to do that twice with each of my children. They caught on fast.
3. My last and final piece of advice is always say what you mean and mean what you say. In other words it is important to follow through with any threats you make. So if you tell them they will not go to Mc Donalds if they don't behave make sure you follow through. They will yell and scream and temper tantrum and yes it would seem easier to just take them but don't. It is so important for them to know when you are serious. It is also important for them to know that they will not be rewarded for misbehavior. You must be strong for the sake of your children. They rely on you right now for rules and consequenses. Keep in mind that what you do or don't do now, will have repercussions down the road.
As hard as it sounds keep your sense of humor. They will be testing you and fighting you for a long time but they wont stay little forever. They are an incredible gift and they rely on you to teach them what is acceptable and what isn't.
Just love them and be firm about the things that really matter.

J., Girl you have 2 choices. One toughen up and put your foot down on him hard, NOW! or two give up the fight and let him have what he wants and be spoiled. You will drive yourself crazy trying to meet in the middle. All good mothers have what the kids call a mean side. That's the side of Mom they don't like because we won't let them have their way. My first born was so spoiled she would throw a fit when ever where ever we were. I have seen alot of public bathroom, lol. Then if she continued we would just go home. It got to the point when she was 3 that I could no longer get my grocery shopping done because of her fits. I ended up only shopping when I could find a sitter. That's when things started to change for me. It took me about a month to decide enough was enough. When I put my foot down it came down hard and boy did she get increasingly worse. It was a complete power struggle that I was not sure I could win BUT finally she gave in and started listening to NO means NO and You will behave in here or we will go to the bathroom and you will stand on the wall. As a mother of 4 my kids can say they all have been grounded to a grociery cart while the other kids got to go look at all the toys on the other side of the isle. It drove them nutts too. lol and of course the other kids would rub it in and make it worse after they got home. They have to torment each other.lol so anyhow get the foot down(on the wall, swat the butt or simply go home) or just give up the fight and let a 2 year old run your household. It's all your choice. Good Luck and Strength be with you.

I also have a young toddler he is 3, and at 2 he started testing his boundaries. They are extrememly intelligent and know who will let them get away with things and how far they can push you. My husband was very lax to displine, and my son wouldn't take him serious. I use the counting system , I give him until the count of 3 to stop what he is doing and listen, if that doesn't work usually a time out, I don't like spanking, but sometimes that is the final resort. The thing is these are crucial years of development, regardless of what others might say, if you want to instill good moral and values do it now, because later there is very little chance he will listen, I always here the same complaint from older mothers with older children, that their kids don't want to help in the house and I always ask, did you let them when they wanted to, they usually say NO because they wanted to get things down right and fast. The thing is my son is 3 and helps clean he is responsible for picking up his toys and cleaning off the coffee table. They are little things but he enjoys helping me, it does take a lot of patience because I usually want to help him but he wants to be a big boy and do it on his own, which is alright. Right now it might seem like much but if you don't starting setting firm boundaries things will only get worse when he is older, and then comes the resentment towards you when you want to displince him later, He will say why now?

Hello,

Just so you know you are not the only one out there. I was am I am sure I still am in many ways a pushover. I have a 9 year old daughter whom I did let get away with it all. It was not until she was about 7.5 and I had been divorced and remarried that I realized that I let her get away with it all. If it pleased her then I did it I had to see a fit. Now at nine I have my handsfull and wish I would of gave her boundaries insttead of trying so hard to be her freind. Honestly with my daughter now I am at a breaking point. I have cried and creid over it and I know it is only my fault because I want to please and be a freind rather then be a strong mother. Now my 3 year old I have rules I have boundaries and I let her know that I am the boss. I guess you can say that I learned this one the hard way. The best thing that I can tell you is if you punish stick to it. If you set a bed time or no cookies before lunch Stick too it. It might be hard and you might have a I feel sorry for him outlook and give in DON'T!! He might scream kick a throw a fit let him walk out of the room. The only way he will know you mean business is if you follow through! Mine through stomping pouting fits and I just look at them now and say sorry I make the rules one day you will get your chance to do the same! I hope it all works out for you!!!

Try the Supernanny method: Write down the rules, the main ones, the important ones, and post them somewhere prominent. I know he cant read, but YOU can, and it will help you remember what you want for your son, family, and household. The problem is, every time you give in when he cries (I know, you know this) it makes him scream louder and longer the next time. My daughter is 26 mos, and we started time outs (again, the Supernanny way, to a T) when she was 15mos old. We posed the rules that if broken warrant a time out, so there is no question. I, the parent, cannot ignore the list. Now, I can even point out the rule broken to her, and she does seem to get it that the letters up there say "No hitting." or whatever. By the time she was about 20 mos old she was behaving very well. So consistancy on your part, and your husband's part, is key. Everyone has to be on the same page. Figure out the "Naughty Top 5", just that many rules, and start with that. What's the worst things he does? If you punish him one day for something and give in the next, can you imagine how terribly confusing that is for him?

Remember! You are helping mold an adult, not raising a child. Being a good parent isnt fun, it means making him furious with you once in a while (or often, depending on the age). But if he is sometimes mad at you, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you. It means you are doing a great job at the hardest job in the world. Try to look at the long run, not the next 10 min. It isnt truly being nice to be nice.

I think we're all just learning so don't feel as if any of us has the magic answer. But I truly think that kids want and need boundaries. It lets them know they have security because someone is guiding them and their choices rather than them running the show. It may seem now that he wants that, but soon, he'll realize that it's a bit scary to make your own rules in life (because ultimately he will feel this way since you allow him to run the show) I also see what happens to kids because I'm a teacher, when parents don't discipline and set boundaries. You'll see it at home too because their behavior gets worse over time, not better. And why should it. They'll want more freedoms, more unhealthy foods, more control with friends, etc...This is the hard time. A time with a lot of crying (which you should ignore..He needs to know that the way to get attention is through listening to what boundaries you've set for him. As life goes on, if you don't become stronger, it will have a trickle effect on your marriage and other children. Good luck.

Hi J.,
I don't think anyone else mentioned this, but distraction is a great tool. Redirecting him, or setting him down for a nap before he gets overtired, etc.
I forget if this is from the Supernanny book or not, but you shouldn't have to "argue" with your child. You set the rule, and that's it. That sits in the back of my head every time I hear myself reasoning/arguing with my now 4 year old. Then I stop, and say no more, tough, and that's the end of it.
Back to distraction, my kids always loved looking out the window, though in the middle of a temper tantrum that's probably not very helpful. Or going for a walk for a change of scenery.
Also, try tackling one issue at a time, if you feel you don't know where to start. When he sees that you have set a limit he will eventually respond. Praise his good behavior, helping, etc., but you probably read that. Also, say what you want him to do, Not what you don't. i.e. Don't throw your toy, instead, how fast can we put the toys away, let's race. Etc.
Coming down on him doesn't mean you don't love him, but not setting limits will eventually make you want to pull your hair out, and that's not good for you, or anyone. It helps to tell other husband/caretakers the specific new things you are trying to do too. So everyone is on the same page and will work together.
I like the Super nanny books too. There are also some books at my library called Your two year old, or Your 3 year old, etc. that discuss topics by age.
Best of luck, let us know how you progress.

Hi J.. This may sound harsh, but it isn't meant to be. When you feel yourself giving in just remember that if you don't discipline your child the world will - and it will be far less loving than you will be in teaching him the lessons of patience, humility, generosity of spirit and stuff, honesty... all those virtues and more. You have the ability to be a GREAT mom - but without the discipline you (nor he) will ever have the chance to reach your potential - if you love him above the inconvenience and effort it takes to hold the line for him you'll both be grateful for the relationship and its fruit. Kudos to you for seeing that you need to make some changes now - wish more parents could and would be self-reflective and save themselves, their kids and the world from raising people without a sense of the value they can or cannot offer to the world! Thanks!

You sound much like me a year or so ago! My two year old son was a big handful and punishing was so hard. It was much easier once I got into the habit of rewarding (not just praising) his good behavior and it made punishing (reliable time outs worked very well) an easier aspect of parenting.
It takes time to really know your child and being a first time mom makes everything more difficult because you are learning (my 2nd is 10 months and the learning curve is so much faster).
One aspect to help you really buckle down (which is hard) and be a firm mommy is that power struggles are even greater when it comes to potty training and if that is when he is just learning who is in control that may be the way he can control his life... that is what happened to me! Now my 2 yr old is 3 1/2 and just now getting back on track to getting potty trained... argh. We are succeeding, but I think that if I hadn't been such a softy to start out with that potty training never would have been about power.
*Hope this helps!
M. M.
PS. I'm 29, stay at home mom of a 3 1/2 yr old and 10 month (both boys), married to MY HS sweetie (7 1/2 yrs), we've been together for over 11 yrs. :)

Two words for you, J....Super Nanny! Watch her on channel 7, record the show, whatever you have to do to get access to her tv show. I also bought one of her books, and gives you tips, etc. on what to do with your child at any age or what they are doing. Her advice has helped me tremendously! My son is 3 1/2 yrs. old and learns lots of "naughty" behavior from his friends at daycare.
good luck!
R.
P.S. - yes, you are right - you do need to curb this behavior NOW, it will only get worse.