Hypothetical question...follow-up

If I was the wife I would need time to process and wonder why he didn't tell M.. I wouldn't be upset with the daughter. However I might need some time to process without her present...no reflection on the daughter but without the reminder.
After awhile make contact with both husband and wife and maybe make clear what you expect from the relationship. Hopefully it will prevent the wife from feeling threatened.

The problems between your father and his wife are their own, and it's not due to your exsistence, it's due to his lack of honesty. She has the right to be angry, but not at you.

I think you do have to tread carefully, J. out of compassion for this woman. What a shock for her and it could be, through no fault of her own, that when she looks at you what she sees is her husband's lie. I think you ask your father what he thinks and tell him what you would like and work from there.

I would think she needs some time to take it all in. I don't think she should be angry that he had a prior relationship, but she would be upset that her husband didn't say anything.
I am wondering if your bio-mom ever told him about you. Maybe this is a shock to him as well.

I didn't answer your question, but I guess I wonder if you talked to them both together instead of J. your father. Since the cat is out of the bag, perhaps the best thing you can do is talk to his wife and tell her that you are sorry for the shock and didn't know that she wasn't aware of this.

Meanwhile, make sure you know your dad's medical history. That's really important for you.

Good luck,
Dawn

ha! what an interesting situation! and aren't you lovely to be so sensitive to their reactions?
i'd follow their lead. be open to a deeper relationship if they seem to seek it, but also don't be hurt if they need some time to process, or eventually J. seem uncomfortable with you and want to limit the contact.
good luck! i'd be interested to hear how this plays out.
:) khairete
S.

We had sorta the same thing happen in our family. I lady traveled from several states away to find my great grandmother (her biological aunt). My great grandmothers brother was pretty estranged from the family and had several children with several women. This lady J. wanted to meet us. Though my great grandmother felt a little awkward, she was pretty much welcomed with open arms. I was really young when this happened....I don't remember much, but I do remember my great grandma kept in touch with her. It was a painful but positive experience for her

The bottom line is you are all adults here. There are some questions though. Has your dad kept any contact with you at all? Or is this pretty out of the blue for him? Who initiated contact? (sounds like you did)

Either way it's not your fault he kept you a secret. If your dad seemed happy to see you, then you may limit your contact to him. Let's say dinner somewhere. Be honest...ask him. Tell him you didn't mean to cause strife, you J. wanted to get to know him. Let him dictate how the contact goes in the future.

One of the reasons I have never been big on finding my birth parents is that they probably never told anyone. I don't feel like I have the right to tell that story.

I don't think it causes conflict mind you, the only way that would happen would be if the creation of the child occurred during their relationship. You have no control over whether someone is insecure, ya know?

I don't think his wife has a right to be angry. Sure a kid is a bit bigger than a straight up sexual partner but still it is no more different than when you put a kid up for adoption. I hate to word it like this but they really are no longer your child at that point so why would you tell someone?

As someone who is adopted I have to wonder what are you trying to get out of this relationship? My best friend growing up was adopted as well but she found her birth parents. Didn't bring a damn thing to her life. They are not going to fill a hole in your life. You have to do that yourself.

A different version of this happened in my family a few years ago. Back up to when my father was stationed in Korea while in the Army (before I was born, I'm 45). He fathered a daughter and went on his merry way. When he met my mother two years later, he told a story that he had fallen in love, she was pregnant but the baby died. My mother never gave it another thought and they divorced 20 years later.

Four years ago this very much alive daughter of my father's J. "showed up" to his house as well. His wife of 19 years obviously had no idea about his long lost daughter in her 40's. My step mother is the most accepting, patient person on the planet to even be married to my father so it was fine on her part. Actually, nothing surprises her.

I'm sorry, I need to go back and read the last post. Did you really J. "show up" without calling, writing or e-mailing first? You didn't have contact with this "father"...you knew it was going to be dramatic. I think "treading lightly" is long gone if that's how it happened.

It is going to take some heart to heart discussions with them to see what everyone wants or expects out of this relationship. What are you looking for? Were you raised with another father?

I don't want you to be hurt or have this fantasy of the long lost father. Even parents who were there for the most part can be a huge disappointment.

My first husband hadn't been around our son since he was 3 weeks old and my second husband adopted our son when he was 2 years old. I don't know if my ex ever talks about our son who is now 30 or if his wife, if he has one, knows about him but I do know that you did nothing wrong. If the wife doesn't know about it, it is your father who is at fault for the trouble it has him in, not yours. That said, now I will say if the wife is upset about a daughter born from a relationship from before they were together, it seems pretty petty. If you go into the relationship with letting them know you aren't looking for a parent so to speak as much as getting to know a part of you that has been missing and all you want is friendship, perhaps that will make things easier. If there is still problems, get your medical history and write them off, you got this far without him, you will do fine without him again. Half siblings may look you up when they are ready.

If I were the wife, I hope I would be welcoming and warm to the daughter. I would be upset (major understatement) that my husband never told M.. It would make M. wonder what else he never told M.. But, to the daughter, she has done nothing wrong. I pray that I would be able to show her grace and kindness. I would hope that I would welcome her into our lives, desiring that her father be a part of her life, as I feel that is extremely important. But, yes, I would be struggling with the honesty issue with my husband. I would not see the daughter as an imposition. However, I would think it an extra bonus and joy if she would come to M. and ask M. what my thoughts were on it, expressing her desires that are like yours (not wanting to impose, how much contact is too much, etc.). Go to the wife. Express your sorrow at bringing her news she did not know, and ask her if she needs time, how much contact does she feel comfortable with, etc. And, ask your father the same questions. She may be fine with a lot of contact, he might not be. She might not want any contact, but he might want to spend time with you. One doesn't trump the other. But, I do think you will get further in the situation if you are gracious to the wife.

I'd say give them some time to let it sink in.
It's actually a cool story.
Maybe write out some of your own thoughts about your expectations now that you've found your dad so they know you arent trying to upset their applecart.
I'm sure there are a lot of "what if's?" going through their minds right now. The most bothersome part of this is that you are now an heir basically, and that might make your dad's wife a little uneasy. Once she gets to know you and that you arent there to be on the take, you can probably begin to have a "family" with them.

I agree w/ the other posters who said she has a right to... and is probably VERY angry w/ her husband and is now questioning everything about the last 25 years. You don't mention if they have children?? If they do she must be outraged that he could J. walk away from a child. Did he ever pay your mother any support??!

She married a man who she believed had no children so as far as her relationship w/ you is concerned.. that's really up in the air. To be honest, and sorry if this is harsh, but she really has no obligation to you at all. It's not like she knew he had a child and "knew that she was getting a step child out of the deal."

I think it would be nice to write her a note saying what another poster said - that you were unaware that she didn't know about you and that you're sorry to have caused any harm. Until she can/ if she can forgive her husband - I would leave her out of things and J. concentrate on your Biodad.

I can't give you the wife's perspective, but I can tell you about my husband's experience when he was in almost your exact same position about 18 years ago. He was the biological son who showed up unexpectedly. The main difference is that his bilogical father ("biodad") had recently gone through a nasty divorce and custody battle. When my husband was 30 he called his biodad, who lived across country, out of the blue and introduced himself. They made arrangements for my husband to fly out there, meet him and two of his other three children. The weekend had its ups and downs, with the biodad not really ready to accept full responsibility and start a relationship. One of his other sons was accepting and one was very distant. Biodad's ex-wife and other children had no idea of the possibility of my husband's existence. My husband was the result of a brief college affair years before biodad met his ex-wife. After that weekend they kept in touch a little, but eventually lost contact again. Fast forward 10 years right around my husband's 40th birthday and he tracks down biodad again, who has moved to the other side of the country (we are in the middle). This time they start a little more gradually with some phone calls, cards exchanged, etc. Plans are made again for a boys weekend in a neutral location with biodad, my husband and biodad's other two sons. At this point, his ex-wife and his daughter still don't know about my husband. This weekend goes much better than the weekend 10 years previously and they all begin to keep in touch. My husband discovers he has a lot in common with one of his half-brothers, the one who had been initially more accepting of him. The oldest brother is still slow to warm, but eventually comes around. In the last 8 years, the relationships have grown, the ex-wife and the daughter were told and biodad is attempting to establish a relationship with our sons, his only grandchildren at this point, although it's challenging because of the history and the geographic distance. I have no idea how the ex-wife reacted to the news, but she was gracious (at least to our faces) when we eventually met her for the first time. The daughter, who is close to her mother, has been very accepting and has dinner with my husband whenever he travels to her part of the country.

We all took a big step forward about a year and a half ago when the half-brother with whom my husband had an instant connection invited our entire family to his wedding. Biodad comes from a big family and we met all of his remaining siblings, their families and the ex-wife and many of her friends and family. Some of have been more accepting than others and I suspect our presence at the wedding caused a little stir, but everyone was respectful to us in our presence.

As a sad footnote to this story, biodad was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in August. My husband and the initially slow to warm half-brother were both at the hospital with him during testing and diagnosis. He is undergoing treatment, but has only a few years left at best. J. as the relationships were deepening we are going to lose him. My husband spent several days with him in September helping him get his house ready for the market and helping get some other affairs "in order." We were all invited to join them the week after Christmas to continue their holiday celebration, but our high school son has some committments that week we can't avoid.

My advice would be to take it slowly and let your biological father dictate the amount and type of contact. This is a big shock and adjustment to both he and his wife and any children they may have. In retrospect, we are glad my husband tried the second time, but I don't think he would have ultimately have been so successful without the gap of time in between for biodad and his children to process and become more accepting of the situation. My husband has also been very understanding about the fact that his biodad essentially abandoned him when his mom was pregnant. They did not have a serious or long term relationship in college, but if I were my husband I'm not sure I could have been quite so forgiving and accepting. Sorry for the length of this response, but I thought you might appreciate hearing from someone who's been there. Best wishes.

I imagine that a wife in that position would feel one of four ways.
1. She would either be angry with her husband because of the omission and accepting of the daughter;

2. She would be upset (and resentful) with the daughter for causing a disruption in her otherwise great life (and probably not upset with the husband...you know how that goes, like the stupid women who never get mad at the boyfriend who cheats but stab the 'ho-bag' who 'seduced' him);

3. She would be be angry with both and be unwilling to start any relationship with the daughter and would be unwilling to continue her relationship with the father;

4. She would accept it for what it is and welcome the daughter and think nothing of the husband's actions/omissions.

How you respond depends entirely on which reaction the wife has. If you can't tell how she is feeling, either ask her (letting her know that you understand if she is upset) or let it go and only deal with your father (if you want to).

Personally, I would assume there was a reason why dad didn't tell his wife about my existence and I would expect her to be a bit resentful about M. showing up out of the blue and upsetting things. I would hope she would become accepting over time but I would not expect it. I would try to remember that I am seeking a relationship with my father, not his current wife, and see what my father had to say about how his wife was feeling and why he didn't think to mention M. to her and what he suggests is appropriate behavior toward her.

Best of luck.

I guess I would J. say to be honest. It's not your fault that he never told his wife that he had a child. It's his fault. I'm sure he had opportunity. J. be open and honest. How was his reception to you? Can you ask him if his wife is upset with him? Express that it was not your intent....good luck!

Are you my sister? LOL I have been waiting for that moment when my father's philandering ways catch up with him. :)
Honestly, he should have said something before now. The wife has a right to be angry at the secret, but not angry at the secret child. J. give them a little time to work it out and then see how it goes. As long as your long-lost father is ok with a relationship with you, then that is all that matters.

I dont think you could say anything to make the wife feel better. He lied for years that is why she is upset not because he had a child. He needs to man up and take the heat and also realize that he chose not to be a part of your life and make amends with that. Also she may not be ok with the fact that she married a man who abandonned his daughter.
I also think you should stop feeling guilty and worrying you caused issues. He chose to lie and not be there for a child, he should have to make ammends for that and I think its good its brought to light, eventually hell realize it wasa good thing that came to light because i'm sure the lie and not knowing about you haunted him

I am sure these things can happen more often than you know and what a lonely position to be in. You can never know what reactions life will have, but it is brave of you to approach this and you are very kind to think of her. This actually happened to my next door neighbor, however she was in a very bad marriage with a nasty person to begin with so this accelerated its ending. The woman tried to accept the girl at first, it was the father who could never get his act together. Now on the other hand my brother in law fathered our nephew who is 21 and the child was raised by the actual mother's ex husband. Supposedly the child doesn't know that my brother in law is the father but the ex husband (who is something of a DonJuan, so let's not feel sad for him here) the ex was cheating all over and mother decided to go find herself something on the side one day. (I think they were both repeat offenders and have children all over the place). Nevertheless, my brother in law married someone else, wasn't sure about this child and has been married many years to his wife. It was only recently that it was pretty well confirmed and I am surprised with all the talk that the son doesn't know this.My brother in law-
Despite the fact that he is pretty sure by now this child is his son, he apparently never told his wife about the incident since it was before their marriage and he is deathly afraid she will leave if he does. I say go for it, because truthfully if one has a strong marriage it won't really affect the relationship once they work through trust issues and the shock. The hard part I guess is for them-to tell or not to tell. My husband when he married M. was pretty up front and told M. J. about any surprises I need to know. This is not your fault and if you want to connect with him you really should try. You are a victim here and if their marriage falters it wasn't on solid ground in the first place. We all have something in the past before we meet our spouse and oftentimes don't know the circumstances. And you should not have to suffer for it. It is a testimony to who raised you that you think so kindly and thoughtfully about to handle this. I am going to say prayers that this all works out wonderfully peaceful especially since this is holiday time. HUG