Hypothetical Parenting Question Maybe Free Range

OMG. I've about had it with the free range, helicopter descriptions of hypothetical "might happen" play scenarios!
Why in the world would I make my kid share his new toy if he doesn't even want to play with the other kid?
Do we have to give trophies for participating to everyone on the beach too?

I hate labels.

Instructing, teaching, or modeling for young children is what good parents and teachers do.

Good parents also take a step back and let the children try out the new skills but also monitor to see if/when those children might need a little help or adult intervention.

Doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

J. F.

Common sense dictates that we teach our children that it's nice to share because that's how healthy communities thrive and get along. But that isn't the same as making a kid share everything, all the time.
I mean, if I have a six pack of beer I'll be glad to give you one, but if I only have one beer, sorry, it's mine!

Why does the child have to share his bucket and shovel? If he is playing with it fine and having fun, why does he have to share if another child comes over and demands that he share? The child said No to the other child. Why does that child then have the right to demand he share. He was told no several times. No means no.

I'm all for sharing but I think some parents take it too far. I did not force my kids to share all the time. They are entitled to have something that they want to play with just for them. Yep, natural consequences could be a fat lip but I don't think we as a society do our kids any good to let them think that everything is fair and they can have anything they want.

You don't know me. Can I use your car for a while? Why don't you share? How about your new sweater? Why not? Please? (If you don't, why should he?)

I always encourage my kids to share, because that's how I was taught. But it really doesn't make much sense.

So it you were at the park with your shiny new cellphone and Apple Watch and some random stranger walked up to you and demanded you share, what would you do? Same situation just with grown up toys. Even if you had a phone and a watch and an I-Pod. That's enough to share, no?

Five year olds still need some guidance in navigating social situations and dealing with frustration. I would let my son say no he didn't want to share (if he didn't) but I might step in if the other child kept coming back or if he tried to physically take the toy. I would also find it appropriate to step in before the kids came to blows.

I think the concept of free range parenting meets kids at their appropriate developmental level. A free range parent would not expect a 3 year old to navigate their way to the park but might be very comfortable with a 9 year old walking/biking to the park and playing or not playing with the other kids there.

I can't help but wonder where on earth you play that a child would take the bucket by force, where is that child's parent?

When my kids were younger and they forgot to grab toys they didn't play with toys, and if they brought toys they didn't have to share though they usually did because they like playing with other kids.

This isn't an issue of free range, helicopter, it is an issue of parents that can't say no to their kids. If my kids went to a park without their toys, and wanted to play with another kid and asked and that kid said no, my kids accept no. They are not entitled to play with those toys, they do not belong to them. If my kids lost their mind and thought it was okay to go back and harass that kid, I would bring them over to where I was sitting and explain that they need to leave that child alone, that what they are doing is rude. Never happened, my kids have manners. If they still didn't get it we would go home.

So if your kid is hell bent to get the shovel it is time to go home and teach that child some manners.

Here's my answer.
I got my kid a nice shiny new bucket and shovel for HIM to play with.
If he wants to play with it - well that's what I got it for.
He doesn't have to share it.
If the other kid kept coming back and insisting on using my kids toy, I'd interfere enough to tell the other kid to go find his parents and leave my kid alone.
Doesn't matter about the age.

If MY kid wanted to play with someone else s toys and that person says no, then my kid needs to get over it and quit pestering that kid.
No harm in asking once but 'no' means no - move on already.

In the case of my younger sister not taking 'No' for an answer, which was never enough for her - my only recourse was to knock her down and sit on her.
She broke WAY too many of my toys for me to trust her or want to share anything with her.
We should have been separated a lot more that we were.
I always wanted to be an only child.

I think my child has the right to not share things she brought with a stranger, especially if the kid isn't playing with her, just wants the toy. That's not give and take, that's just take. She shares her toys during playdates. She puts up toys she doesn't want to share before they come over. Similarly, if she goes up to a kid at the pool (which has happened) and they say no, she needs to accept that. Sometimes a toy is special or just yours and you don't want to share. I don't make my kid share all the time. I don't let her ask to share all the time. I think that repeatedly asking when the child doesn't want to play let alone doesn't want to share is being rude, and that is a lesson my child needs to learn. IMO, has nothing to do with "free range" anything. It has to do with teaching your child not to be rude, to stand up for herself when others are rude, and stepping in when your child needs help because she is FIVE and the other kid is not taking the hint. I'd let it go the first couple of times and then step in if the kid was getting aggressive or forceful.

Has anyone been hit? If not, then don't invent trouble. If someone does hit or gets hit, then consider packing up and leaving.

If my kid brought a toy that belonged to her to the park with her, I did NOT require that she share her toys with whatver other kids might be there. Whether or not to share was entirely her decision. Sometimes she did, sometimes not.
If another kid refused to take "No" for an answer, and decided to get physical, she had my blessing to get physical in return.

If my kid wanted to play with another kid's toy, and the other kid didn't want to share, then my kid would simply have to take "No" for an answer.

I socialized my kid by teaching her to ask politley if she wanted to play with somoeone else's toy, AND that if someone else did not want to share their toy, then she needed to find something else to play with.
I taught her that her toys were her personal property, and that she chould share or not share them.
The cool part was that, knowing how it felt to ask nicely and be rebuffed, she was more likely to share when asked nicely.
And she also learned to stand up for herself when other kids got pushy.

Hey Lilly. I don't really know what a free range parenting strategy really is. But I've watched parents sit and watch a rawl between kids and do nothing, and I guess I just have zero respect for that.

I don't consider a parent who steps in and takes charge of a situation that a child cannot handle, a helicopter parent. I consider that parent a responsible parent.

How to teach peace and tolerance is a balancing act. How to teach a child not to be a doormat is a balancing act. Neither includes letting 5 year olds duke it out. Honestly, in this age group you're talking about, a fat lip doesn't teach much. Too much is lost in the crying, the parents being angry and all of that.

Three year olds don't really play together - they do parallel play. They go by the toddler's creed (I'm sure you've read that fun poem.) Five year olds are just going into kinder where they have HOPEFULLY learned something from pre-school about how to beginnning to share. Seven year olds have hopefully finished either kinder or first grade and are expected to behave. I would go by these expectations for these ages. I would NOT expect them to navigate other kids' and their parents' expectations without stepping in. Sometimes you pick up the bucket and shovel and say "Let's go somewhere else" and walk down the beach somewhere else.

Hope this helps.

I think age and knowing our own child's abilities would lead me in my decision to observe or step in.

My problem with parenting labels is that they tend to cause people to think in extremes. Free range doesn't mean 'hands off', what it means is knowing your own child as an individual person, the level of responsibility they can handle and their level of social maturity. So, yes, if I have a 3 year old who is after another child's toys at the beach, I kindly corral my child back to me, remind them that we can bring our toys next time, and hey, lets go do this other thing. At the age of three, I cannot expect my child to politely wander back on their own.

I also am a strong believer that when you bring your own beach toys, no, you don't *have* to share. I find the expectation that everyone should share everything rather entitled. If you want your own, bring your own. Another family shouldn't be inconvenienced because of my family's poor prior planning, you know? Sometimes my son will offer to share with another kid he's interested in playing with, but he's not required to share with every comer, you know?

Sometimes, a fat lip or peer aggression is a hard lesson. I'd say some of the time, it can be informative of one's transgressions (hey, if I take Sally's block, she whacks me with that-- maybe I shouldn't take things from people)... but once again, most sane parents don't just dump their kid into a situation if they are unsure the child can handle it safely. Kids who push past the boundaries of other children can end up being hurt.

Then, again, to the contrary, I know children who have impulse control issues and even at older ages, those children need to have constant supervision when they are with other kids. Again, that is knowing the child.

I tend to be more relaxed with my son when I know he's with other people who are part of our 'village', who are comfortable with telling him how things are. For example, while we went camping with my sisters, he went off with his cousins on little adventures. The oldest is nearly 14, the other two 12 and 10--- all really great, responsible kids. Again, it's about knowing my son, the situation, and his ability to make good choices (say, knowing not to climb too high in trees).

I can't think of any more important framework to encourage social development in. Sometimes, peer correction, while rough, may be more powerful than mom telling you the same thing. I want my son to be able to deal with the real world, so I give him his freedoms where I can, when I can.

i think this overly divides the line. 'free-range' doesn't mean 'never interfere', and i hope that even helicopter parents will let kids work things out to some degree before taking over.
back in my day, there was helicoptering and there was parenting. the notion of letting your kids experience the world first-hand didn't need its own rad label. so i guess i struggle a little with trying to define it to young moms who find it an outre notion.
my kids got to play with their toys. if they wanted to share fine, if they didn't, they could tell the other kid 'no.' if the other kid kept nattering at them, well, that's what little guys do. no fault there. my kid could either keep saying no, or relent. if i saw my kid getting upset i might get up and redirect, but i wouldn't be pissed off at either one of them (i'm a little taken aback at how quickly some moms attribute nefarious motives to Very Small People.)
if the other kid tried to yank my kid's toys away or i saw it escalating to getting ready to pop each other, i'd intervene.
i don't think there's One Right Answer to this scenario. if the other kid were a nice little kid who is simply persistent, there might be a great new friend in the making. if the other kid is menacing or aggressive, there's great potential in there for an interesting discussion afterward and some roleplaying as to different ways of handling it.
i gently suggest that overthinking potential tense scenarios can simply lead to more angst. this seems a commonplace and common sense situation that can be handled cheerfully and competently across the board, whether you're a free range parent or not.
khairete
S.

My kid has always wanted to share her toys and things, but she has been the kid wanting another to share. I have always explained to her that she must accept that not all kids want to share or to play with her.

We don't raise our kids in the way that "everyone gets a trophy" or everyone must be friends and like each other. Life is not like that so why force it while they are young.

I think letting kids work out their problems is best, but a parents intervention should vary on the ages of the children. The younger kids are new to learning this and as they get older they will need less and less intervention.

it would depend on the age somewhat - but I think kid A has no obligation to share with some random person. A friend, sibling, cousin, that was visiting specifically to play with child A, yes, but not a stranger. It puts kid A's mom in an awkward position - because kid B's mom should have been the one to step in. It's extremely rude to walk up to a stranger and demand they play with you, let alone share THEIR toys. I get that's how "kids" are and that is something they use to learn to get along with people, but I don't necessarily think it's ok all the time.

If I was kid A's mom I would have stepped in and talked with my child. See if he could be convinced to share. I would not, however, have forced them to share. And if the situation couldn't be talked out, I would relocate.

It's ok for kids to want to play alone and politely say, "No thank you," when the other child ask to play. I would be very upset if I found out my child were that persistent about playing with another child's toys.

I agree that kids do not need parents stepping in right away and correcting them, forcing them to or not to play with other children or share or not share their toys at the park. Not stepping in when one child is being a pest is also not a good idea. There has to be some middle ground. Kids do need to learn how to work things out on their own, but part of the learning process does include adults asking the right questions and sometimes telling them that, no, this time you do need to share or this time you need to respect another child's desire to play alone.

There's no perfect answer. It's a learning process for both parent and child.

ETA - "I would imagine that this scenario would end up with either the other kid taking the toys by force, possibly hitting my child, or my child hitting out in defense of their toys possibly hurting the other child." Really? That seems a bit extreme to me.

I think your idea of "Free Range Parenting" is a bit extreme, as well. I think the basic idea is that many of the practices our parents had were very healthy and that today's parents are a bit overprotective. I remember going to the neighborhood park with friends (no parents) on many occasions ... but not when I was 5!

I free range and the only way this is related is in so far as I strive to listen to my children and allow them to make their own choices. This means I wouldn't force them to share. I'd respect their wishes, just as I'd respect your wish to not share your phone with me.

To me, kids should be treated with the same respect as adults. Adults aren't forced to share, so why should kids be?

I do try to bring along extra toys as a preventative measure. In fact, I keep buckets in my trunk so that my kids have them and they don't need other kids buckets. In fact, most of the parents I know bring along enough to share, but they don't force their kids to share.

Now, as the partner of my children, I see my role as in helping them to make good choices. Hitting someone isn't a good choice: it might be an immediate fix, but it usually creates more problems. My role is to keep them and others safe and to teach them how to navigate the world. I would never let 5 year olds resolve this without an adult. 7 year olds yes, but 5? Nope, they are way to aggressive still and in their body.

I step in if it turns physical (angry tug of war with the toy where they are each trying to pull it away from the other or a child pushes/hits another child to try to get the toy, etc). I don't step in if it's one child asking, and another saying no. Even if it happens over and over.

My first child had a hard time with sharing when he was young...I think he finally started slowly getting better around Kindergarten age. He would tense up and get very very upset and intense about it. I would tell him if you are brining your bucket and shovel to the playground you need to be able to share it with other kids if they ask. If you cannot do that then let's leave it at home. I would make sure he had 2 shovels. If he only had one shovel I would say to him...you can say I am using it now. I can let you have a turn when I am done. I would take this route because I felt like he had to work on sharing more. He was very good at sticking up for himself...that was not his issue. By the way - he is 11 now and is happy to share. We go to the beach a lot and bring out sand toys and he ends up letting lots of other kids play with them. So, there is an end to this whole sharing issue one day!

I honestly don't think it matters what age. If my kids do not want to share or play with another, that's fine. However, I do encourage them to play with others, especially if it is playing a game and excluding one child over all others there.
IMO, even if kid one had a bag full of sand toys, if he does not want to play with another child, fine. Don't you ever want to do things alone?
My daughter was outside coloring with chalk. A little girl down the block came over and wanted to use it too. She told her no because she needed the colors for her picture she was making. I did not make her share.

To me, the helicopter parent steps in the first time he says no and tells him to share. For me, I would step in when the 2nd kid comes over for the umpteenth time and tell him kid 1 did not want to play that day.

In my opinion, if the child is 3 or 4 or even early 5s, the parent is nearby enough to monitor the situation (3 years old, mom is very close; 4 years and she's off to the sidelines at bit, maybe chatting with another mom while keeping one eye on the action; 5 years old and mom (or dad in any of these scenarios) is firmly on the sidelines, only intervening if something has gone quite wrong). You teach your child to share. You teach your child not to be overly disappointed if another child doesn't share. You try to pass along social niceties and basic manners. Certainly, at the younger ages, I'd be surprised if any "free range parent" just sent their kids off to do whatever and learn on their own. I was raised "free range" myself, back when it was just called basic parenting, and I don't think I was allowed to roam the playground unsupervised until I was at least 5 or 6.

When my son was over 7 I started stepping way back on getting too involved in my son's playdates or social interactions. I do listen to what's going on and occasionally offer opinions on his or his friend's behavior - especially if he asks my advice - but I feel he needs to stop relying too much on me to intervene and learn to fight his own battles. I recently posted about problems he was having with a kid who lives next door to grandma - he didn't want to play with her anymore and was having trouble coping with how to handle it. Thanks to some advice on here, I showed him how to effectively tell her he didn't want to play and he's been able to deal with the problem himself since.

Not sure if I'm exactly answering your question, but what I'm saying is the younger the child, the more they need lots of close social guidance from their parents. The older and more socially mature, the more I think the parents can step back and allow the child to try and solve things on their own. If they can't, then the parents should offer advice and guidance. There is no better way to learn than by making some mistakes on your own.

Different parents have different feelings about sharing. If my kids brought a toy and another child wanted to play with it they were either expected to share it or put it away. I would step in and teach my kid how to handle it when they are young and let them handle it themselves when they are older.

If it were my kid who brought the bucket, I would politely tell the kid (Friend or not) that it's a new toy and her prefers to not share at this time but maybe in a little bit. If at home and we had a playdate, I would tell my child (if they were old enough) to not bring the toy out if they didn't want to share. For a younger child, I would let them play but give the other child a different toy. I would never expect my child to share a brand new toy with another child nor would I be upset if another child didn't share with mine (especially if the kids didnt' know each other). I would appreciate a comment from the mom/dad though about it being a new toy and that they unfortunately aren't ready to share it yet, kind of in a joking manner.

If my kid drops the toy, then it's fair game for anyone I would think. I don't think pushing, shoving or hitting is ever an okay resolution on behalf of my child or any other.

I have been at the park before when older (12 y/o) kids were hurling rocks at other friends (small pebbles). When he hit ME in the face while throwing at another kid (and almost hit my baby), I kindly said very loudly to him "Please do not throw the gravel/rocks. It hurts!" Then we left the park because there was no adult there to supervise/reprimand him. (which is okay because of his age but obviously NOT because of his behavior!)