Husbands Not Happy About New Baby

I am sorry that you are going through this. I was the one crying when I found out I was pregnant and my baby was only 2 months old. My husband walked around with a silly grin on his face! What is he expecting you to do?? At least you are a stay at home mom and not having to add to daycare expenses. I have found it isnt too much more to have 2 kids. Just diapers really but if you forgo eating out a time or 2 thats a box of diapers right there, it all works out. I was done with my 2 so I know this child I am pregnant with now is going to be somethign special we couldnt live without. Hopefully he will see that. Maybe just go about without discussing it too much and it will settle in. Don't let him think he is going to have you get rid of it or anything!!

Bottom line - the first trimester is so important that since your husband is not able to cope with this right now, you need to put yourself (and the little one you already have) first. Take walks in the park because you need to exercise and pack a healthy picnic lunch - just you and Austin. Take him to the library or local book store for story time - you'll be with a lot of other mothers and we are always supportive of each other. Make sure you eat well and get lots of sleep. It's spring - put something in the crockpot in the morning and have a lazy day, only doing whatever makes you feel good. Tell your husband that just like he apparently needs time to adjust, you need time to focus which means he can leave his attitude at the door because it's not helping the situation. At some point, when neither of you is angry (him) or hurting (you) you need to ask him what he thinks you should do and let him know he needs to really think this through because his answer will determine what you have to do and then based on his answer you will have to make a decision and stick with it.

My ex-husband wanted kids so badly that when we had our first he was so happy and when I became pregnant with our second he was in 7'th heaven. Everything seemed fine during the 1st half of the pregnancy but fell apart during 2nd. Even though we both had very good jobs in the same field and earned similar salaries (I had every intention of returning to work just as I had after our 1st daughter), the responsibility was too much and he fell apart. Did not have a history of drinking - he's the only person I know that intentionally became an alcoholic. Didn't go to work. Emotionally and verbally abusive to me to the point that I began to believe I could never make it on my own let alone raise 2 young children. I picked up the slack - worked crazy hours so we didn't fall behind financially. He began to go to casinos so he could be away from home and have something to do while he drank - gambled away savings I'd squirrelled away not once, but twice. After being followed home by a cop he started only drinking at home finishing his first 5th of rum before the girls or I were even awake. 6 years later I threw in the towel and divorced him - I can honestly say the 3 of us would have been better off emotionally and financially if I'd thrown him out after the first couple of months. Was it hard? We'd been married 25 years, it was the toughest thing I've ever done, but my daughters' and my life are so much better now.

I am so sorry.... My husband did the same thing when I got pregnant with my son. He was so adament that we have an abortion and try again when my daughter was 5. It was terrible. I had to charge everything I needed for my son on a credit care because he wouldn't give me any money for diapers and clothes. 5 years later that bill isn't paid and we are fighting over it in divorce court because he doesn't feel he had to pay since he didn't want me to have the baby.

Bottom line is that our marriage ended with that baby, but the baby WAS/IS a blessing - - - and looking back I realize the marriage was doomed to begin with. You need to tell your husband how you feel - get him excited about preparing for a SON!!!! Let your husband participate as much as possible and tell him that everything in life happens for a reason - - - The one or two year delay on the track of your life will bring you guys to meeting a whole new set of people and besides = your empty nest will be earlier so you will have more time to enjoy each other in your golden years.

Sounds like you man is a good man - his is probably just really nervous about how he is going to support another baby and take care of you when you already have so much on your plate - you can assure him he is a great dad and husband - a little ego boosting will go a LONG way...

Best of luck and enjoy your BLESSING... I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I have been with my own beautiful son...

I am sorry your husband is acting the way he is acting about your pregnancy. I don't know if his feelings will pass, but whether or not they do, I hope you are able to find the strength to keep yourself mentally, physicllly, and emotionally healthy for your children. You can't help how your husband feels, he is going to have to find his own way to peace. Just remind him that there he can keep gettig angry all he wants, but no amount of anger is going to change the fact that you are pregnant...try not to let him get you down! You really do have so many more special things to look forward to and you have the power to not let his anger make this an unhappy time. If he wants to be unhappy, let him know you are there for him if he needs you, but that he is really all alone in his anger and unhappiness. Good luck!

I didn't read the other replies, so I'm sorry if this is redundant.

It really sounds like your husband is overwhelmed. I don't know how he was with your first, but lots of dads find the feelings of helplessness and lack of control with a new baby to be very disconcerting. It makes them feel insecure about their abilities as a parent. If your baby is only one, those feelings would still be pretty fresh in his mind. If he had any negative feelings about the delivery or your previous pregnancy, those will be fresh in his mind as well. Babies are expensive, and he may be feeling like he can't provide enough to cover the kids and the lifestyle he imagined living with you. There are hundreds of other possibilities. This is understandable.

That said, he does not need to be treating you like the enemy. It's easy to blame the pregnant woman for being pregnant, but you are exactly right- you didn't impregnate yourself. Maybe try getting him to talk about his real feelings rather than all the negative aspects of having another baby. Talk to him about his relationship with your one year-old, how he felt about the last year, his financial concerns, what things he really wants to do but feels he can't with two kids. Let him know you love him and respect his feelings and want him to talk to you about them, but that the blaming and negativity are really hurting you and need to stop. It may take a while for him to get out from under the cloud. I'm reaching here, but maybe some special Daddy and Austin time will help him see the positives. There's nothing quite like having a good time with your baby to coax out a proud, happy Papa.

It may seem cliche, but some counselling might help. If you can't get him to talk about his feelings without hurting you in the process, a professional will be able to help.

I wish you all the best. Tell him this: if you have all your kids close together, then they'll be grown up around the same time, and you won't have to wait so long to take all those couples vacations and whatever else you always wanted to do together. Maybe he just needs to get some perspective!

He might just need validation from you. Let him know something like "Honey, I know this isn't a good time for us, I wasn't thrilled either. I realize this sets us back..." Make is short and sweet. Then say "but I'm happy about this. This is our child, and I will treat him/her with the same respect as our first". Then walk away. Don't engage him further in conversation. Don't wait for a response. He'll come around.

Dear B.,

Yes, you are right and so is your husband. No, you didn't do it on purpose.

Women do not understand that men are in a different world than we are. He is feeling a lot of pressure to support, 4 people, and to do it in the modern yuppie style, I would suppose. Maybe not, but for sure he is worried about MONEY and the future. Why don't you try to understand him and give him more support and confidence.

Sorry about the crying, but, God made women so that we want babies, and no matter what we want to save them.

Stop trying to change your husband's mind, life will do that, and try ignore his bad behavior for a while, and tell him what you are feeling. Tell him in a conversational way, not pouting or trying to change his mind way. O.K.?
Good Luck, C. N.

Hi B.,

Well, take a deep breath and wait for the answer tomorrow. It could still be false. But in the meanwhile, focus on yourself and the baby like some of the others have said. I have to do this with my 39 y/o baby at home. I ignore him and he comes back around. Yes! They are in a different world and they are often babies! He is just as much responsible and should be kicking himself not you. Just be respectful enough to him to answer his questions, but walk away from the negative BS. Take care of yourself and let us know how the test goes.

C.

Hi B. :)

Congrats on your pregnancy! :)

Studies are showing some amazing things with unborn babies. Do some research on it (google, library etc) and you will be surprised. Babies are remarkably turned into their mother's emotions, personality, state of happiness and even their relationships with others. It's EXTREMELY important that you try your hardest to be calm and happy because it effects the forming of the baby's personality and temperment. Let your husband know about this and agree to avoid fights and tears as much as possible. Tell him that what is done is done and that it is NO ONE'S FAULT. You now need to come together as the strong friends that you are and work on making your baby a happy one. :)

My husband and I tried very hard not to fight with both of my pregnancies. As a result, both of my children were almost paranormally happy lol. I get comments a lot like. "Don't your kids ever cry?" And of course, they do, but as far as most kids go, they're really easy going. I remember putting up this imaginary bubble around myself when my husband got stressed and snappy, which wasn't all that often (he tried really hard!) I just let his comments bounce right off me and instead just thought loving thoughts about my baby.

So, once again, congrats! Go get that hubby of yours and have a chat! ;)

Best of Wishes,
M.

everyone has their own way of coping with things, hopefully it is just a temporary reaction and with time he will grow more accepting of it. don't let his feelings bring you down. i always say with every hardship comes ease, it won't be like this forever. If he is unhappy about it and talks about the reasons he's unhappy then you can address those concerns of his in an understanding and compassionate way to help him feel more at ease about it.

When I first found out that I was pregnant with my second my husband and I were both shocked. My older daughter was just over a year and we were using birth control. My husband was less than excited and I didn't know how to feel at first. My husband also seemed to think of a lot of the negatives (money and all that.) He was even more down when we found out it was not a little boy as he had hoped. The further the pregnancy went though, the more excited he got and now you'd never know he wasn't so thrilled about the idea. He loves both our girls more than life itself. I hope this is the same case with you. I wish you luck.

Hi B.;

I went through the same thing with my husband when I got pregnant with our youngest child. He made me feel as if it were all my fault that this happened. You need to remind him that it takes to make a baby and that he needs to look at it from your point of view. My husband tried to get me to abort the child and I refused because I do not believe in abortion unless there is a medical problem.

You might also want to try talking to a family member or clergy if you have someone close that you can talk to about this.

I hope that this helps.
W.