Husbands Family Disrespectful

Oh how I have been there! I gently explained to my in-laws that my children come first and that the time I spend with them is never wasted. My husband doesn't do much around the house and there is no way I could work out of the house and keep up. If I were to go back to work I really would bring any more than I make caring for a couple of kids because I would have to pay for daycare on so many of my own children. In the end I told them it really wasn't any of their business and that I would no longer discuss it with them. As for my husband, I wrote down everything I did for a week and gave it to him. I asked if there was anything there he felt wasn't important.

This is going to sound different, but hear me out. I then began to not argue or defend myself at all. Each time my husband would say something mean or cruel, I would drop my head and say a prayer for him. I told God that I know he can make all things good, so bring good out of this. I knew if I left my husband that I would see my children even less. I would have had to go find a job outside the house and my children would suffer. I figured that if someone was going to have to suffer I would prefer it to be me and went on enjoying the time I had during the day alone with my children.

Fast forward several years. My husband figured out that I was praying for him each time I dropped my head and just took all his nastiness. He decided to support me because I had our children's best interests at hand. We agree that people are way more important than things. Our children are the best behaved children when we have family get-to-gathers and my in-laws now believe I did the right thing. Even if my husbands family wouldn't of come around, I would have continued. I am stubborn and I won't allow them to get involved in my life in that way. I would find ways to go see them less.

oh dear.
first of all, try to be patient. a lot of people are in your same situation, and a lot of people have in laws who feel the exact same way that you do.

next, revisit the issue with your husband, at a time where you are both able to concentrate on the discussion. a good time ive found to talk to my husband is when we are driving. get someone to watch your children so you and your husband can be alone to talk. remind him of your conversation from before you quit working, and ask him to update you on his feelings about this here and now. do it softly. ask him if he feels the same way, and if not, why he doesnt feel the same way, then try to come up with a solution.

the next thing you want to do is to tell him plain and simply that you need him to support you if this is the way you both want to continue. i beg of you not to separate from your husband so quickly.
my feeling is that hes not changed his mind, but he feels pressured by his family to feel the same way they do. i fear that separating from him might make him feel as if you simply dont love and respect HIM as a person. that this issue that is rooted in someone outside your marriage is something that splits the two of you. NO outside issue should EVER come between you.

i understand that things may seem intolerable now, but when the two of you can talk and come to a solution things should settle down. men tend to be the ones who feel the responsibility for their families, perhaps hes feeling a bit more pressured since the financial situation in your marriage is different than it was before. maybe he just feels pressured! :D

one resource i feel you NEED to use is the things that mark gungor has. he is FANTASTIC and one of the programs that he has is "laugh your way to a better marriage" and it is SO funny, and SO RIGHT ON. he has a way of putting things that makes you go AH HA! you know? he explains the differences between the ways men and women think, and how the operate, etc.... it will totally change your ideas about men and women, and can make you and your husband closer, especially if he watches it with you. if you guys like comedies, or comedians in general, (i mean who doesnt like to laugh) this guy will be awesome, and your marriage will strengthen.

one thing that you want to avoid is pointing any fingers at his family. i agree that they are being HORRIBLE to you, but what you need to remember - what is important in your marriage is less what other people are doing to you and more what YOU need and what YOU feel. men cant read our minds, he might not understand how you feel. use "I" statements, not "you" or "them" statements.

i hope this helps somewhat. the good thing about marriage is that it is a partnership, and it is meant to be forever. marriage is HARD!! the Bible itself says "it is good for a man not to marry..." and later continues "because he who marries will have trouble in this life"!! God Himself tells us right there that marriage is hard! :D we cant expect things to be perfect. but just because things are hard, frustrating, 'unbearable', doesnt mean your marriage is over. it means you have an incredible opportunity to strengthen your marriage! :D

its quite possible your husband is depressed too. so just try to be sensitive.
one thing that mark gungor talks about in his video (its around 50$ but its around 6 hrs long...) is that men feel close to their wives through sex, and women feel close to their husbands through the loving things they do. in order to get sex, men have to give their wives the loving things, and in order to get the loving things, wives have to give their husbands sex :P it sounds silly, but its true. even, at this point, if you simply dont want to, dont feel like it, do it anyway. its amazing the wounds that can be healed by paying attention to our spouse's deep needs in a marriage.

its helped even through the little things in my marriage, and the big thigns too. if i just give in, and make love with my husband, he is nicer, sweeter, kinder, more romantic, and loving to me. when i dont, hes hurt, rejected, angry, distant, etc. so, ive learned quick that if i want my husband to do the things for me that i want, i have to give him the things that he wants. he has also learned too that if he wants me to make love with him, he has to be nice to me. ive told him the one thing that gets me every time is if he kisses me on the back of my neck when im making supper, or washing dishes or something. gets me every time!!! if you have some trigger that makes you get the shivers, tell your husband what it is!! let him use it!! :D

anyway, i hope you check mark gungor out. changed our lives, and i hope he can change yours too. dont give up on your husband. trust me, with 4 kids in the picture, its much easier to work your hearts out to make it work than to just give up. no other man on earth is going to be any better, so dont think that the grass is greener. its still grass! :D :D

good luck. have patience. talk it through. tell your husband what you need, and figure out what his needs or worries are. :D dont let the world tear you apart! your inlaws problem with your job is THEIR problem, not yours. its THEIR feelings not yours. dont be responsible for their feelings. maybe they are simply jealous that they didnt do things that way. who knows. it doesnt matter. what matters is YOUR family, in YOUR home, doing what is best for your family. :D you GO MOM!

I just wanted to add another vote- I agree that you should let your husband walk a day in your shoes, and then see what he thinks. Maybe you can have him watch the kids while you go out to "job search" for 3 or 4 hours/day!!!

Also, write out a new budget scenario if you were working... including daycare costs, extra gas driving to and from daycare and work- assume gas is $4 a gallon because it's just a matter of time before it gets that high again, extra maintenance costs for your car due to the increased use [if you own two cars- if not, then the cost of a car and insurance as well], money spent on even more doctor visits and prescriptions because the kids will get sick much more often in daycare, etc. I'm betting that you would be worse off financially if you worked. Show that to him.
And write out a family "budget"....what would happen if you were working besides the money aspect? What are the extra "costs" that would affect the functioning of your family? Kids would be raised by someone else, hardly any time together by the time you get home, your husband would have to help with the dishes, laundry, upkeep of the house in general, ...that kind of thing.
I don't even think you should have to write anything to him in the first place because he should be supporting you! But since it appears he is ignorant to the amount of work moms do and what a difference you really make in EVERYTHING, including money...you will have to educate him a bit. Showing him how it would change your financial situation and having him watch the kids on his own as often as possible should help him appreciate you more

I have been a SAHM for 11 years now. I only have two and I have always gotten the question, "what do you do all day?" Now they are both in school but I still choose not to work and the comments are even worse because people know that I have 6 hours a day without kids. I get "must be rough" and comments about sitting around watching soaps and eating bon bons. After 10 years I've learned to ignore. I get to drive my kids to school and hug and kiss them at 8:30 in the morning and pick them up and hug and kiss them again at 2:30. They tell me everything about their days. They confide in me. They tell me the truth, even when they know they'll get in trouble because of the BOND I've established by ALWAYS being there. When they get sick, (and between the two of them it runs 20 to 30 days off every school year) I'm there. They aren't forced to go to school feeling miserable as I've seen in so many families with dual incomes. Summers, we spend every second together while thier friends are in summer care at the school (which, by the way, one of my daughter's friends told her she'd rather "eat a plate of buggers" than go there.) People always note what great kids I have... polite, respectful, great values, never in trouble at school, friendly, great grades etc. and ask me what my secret is. The secret is WE raised them - me and their Dad as a team. He spends every second he has off work with them because there are no errands to do or household things to get done on the weekends. I do all those things during the week while they are in school. They are in the tween years, which are supposed to be awful (and I have seen some real monsters in their classes) but we are better friends than ever. Your work and sacrifice to be with your kids will reap GREAT rewards for you, despite the lashings of society. My husband takes them by himself once a year while I go away for a three day weekend and he always says, "I don't know how you do it." He also supports me and makes sure I get out of the house at least once a month for a full day of me time. He recognizes that it's tough. I agree with the other ladies that your husband needs to do your job to realize it's the toughest job on earth. Good luck, You have all my respect.

They obviously aren't putting value on your work, let alone a stay at home mom's work, your enjoyment factor (and less stress in your life) and the value your kids receive from you being happy and at home. Does your hubby ever get a chance to stay home all day, or several days in a row and try to deal with the kids, cleaning, cooking, etc? I think it's time he tried! Would all 4 of your kids be in daycare if you were working outside of the home?
Please try not to let their feelings bother you or get between you and your hubby. Tell them you don't feel it's fair that they judge you and their opinions are causing problems in your marriage. Maybe they'll back off. Or start judging their lifestyle choices and see if they like it.

I'm in a similar situation and there is no convincing people like that. They have their mind set and made up. The only leverage you may have is to show them what daycare would cost for you to put all 4 kids in daycare and work full time like your husband. And to show them how pointless it would probaly be after putting the kids in daycare.

My ex keeps naggin on why I don't work. He pays childsupport. I always remind him that if I do work he can just contribute to half the daycare costs and raise our current child support order and he immediately shuts up. He knows daycare for my 9mo.old would be like 1000-1300 a mo. easily in our state.

You have to live your life, be happy, and not worry what other's think or say. Harder to do than say but you gotta. Some people in this world think jobs/money are so important and that family/kids can be put on hold or not as much of a priority.

A good read: "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

As a working mom, i know how tired i get on the weekends - all week long is a workout. i really respect your decision, because even if we could afford it, i don't think I could do it full-time. it is time for a serious wake-up call for your hubby and family. when is the last time he stayed home with them for a full day? He should not be siding with his family, you are supposed to be #1. I'm so sorry you're going through this, i wish i could tell you what to do. I just want you to know i agree what's happening is not right, and want to send you a hug and some prayers! AND i almost forgot to mention. check out www.healthy-marriage.com, it's a marriage mentor website that offers a free program. Getting another couple's perspective might make a huge difference. It's really been helping us. Go to the site and click on "mentoring" tab. They take an inventory of you and your spouse and match you up with a couple that lives near you that has your same interests (this really helps keep the husbands involved). They meet with you short-term, but help you get things back on track. i can't say enough about the program, and it's free!

I'm so sorry that you're not feeling supported by your husband or your in-laws! I also stay home and do day care, and I can tell you it's no picnic.

First, about the emotional side: Have you explained to your husband exactly how you feel? It's possible that he doesn't know that you feel like he's not supporting you; maybe he thinks his family's opinion doesn't matter to you, so he's not bothering to argue with them, or maybe he doesn't understand how disrespectful they're being. So I would start by being as explicit as possible, explaining the things that have been said, the way they made you feel, and how you wish he had responded. Make sure that he knows how hard you work, that he supports your decision and agrees that it's best for your family, and that you can agree on a course of action when this comes up with your in-laws again.

With respect to the financial side, I know you have four children of your own, so you spend the day caring for 6 kids. So you're not exactly sitting on your hands. But (depending on the ages of your kids and how much actual supervision they require) have you considered becoming licensed and taking in more kids? If you (you and your husband, not his family) are concerned about finances, that might be an option, again depending on how busy you already are. I know that with my kids (5, 3, and 1), I can handle about 3-4 more. So you may definitely have your hands full with the 6 you're already watching! But I am licensed in Anoka County, so let me know if you have any questions about the process, and I'll be happy to try to help!

You can ignore what your husband's family says, but you and your husband need to be in agreement on this! Please talk and talk often. If you can't talk about finances and feelings (both difficult topics!) then please see a counselor. You can't know what your husband is really thinking unless he tells you (is he jealous, stressed about money, concerned about "image", bullied by his family, feeling ignored by you, etc.). He may have been supportive two years ago, but couples need to "check-in and regroup" often. Create a time whent he two of you are alone for an hour or two (how long has it been since you've had more than a few minutes?) and talk!

I hope this isn't the case but is your financial situation worse than he's letting you know? I guess just having a private conversation with him is where I'd start. Remind him that a marriage at the very least is a partnership so he needs to either back you up when they're around or be quiet. Maybe next time remind them that this was his decision too. Your in-laws should not be able to seperate the two of you this way. I really like what was said about praying and the thought that if you leave him you'll have less time with the kids. I really hope he's not whining to them behind your back about your financial situation. I personally have a friend whose husband just requires alot of "toys" and we can't help but think she works just for more stuff in the house. Good luck with the best decision for you and the kids.

L.,

You aren't accountable to your inlaws. There is no reason to show them what you do or don't do during the day and no need to justify your decisions regarding raising your children. The problem is solved when you stop caring what they think and you don't take their judgements personally. It's their problem, not yours.

With your husband, it's a different matter. If it was me, I would sit down and express your feelings. Rather than guess what side he is on or what he thinks or believes,(because no one can ever get that completely accurate no matter how sure they are) ask him how he feels about it and where he stands.

I would strongly recommend marital counseling before separation. So many people think divorce solves problems. Because you and your husband have children together, you will share a life and share major decisions regardless of whether you live under the same roof. Separation doesn't solve money problems, it makes them so much worse. It is incredibly expensive to separate and have two connected but separate households rather than one.

Good luck,
S.

I am going to give a different perspective here. In my family, I am the primary bread winner. I make double what my husband makes. I carry the insurance. I am creating the pension and 401k. I pay the bills and monitor the budget. So, in some respects perhaps I can try to put myself in your husband's shoes and translate what he is feeling (cannot help with in-laws as they are mostly all - at least a little bit - insane).

Here goes...Maybe some of this is what your husband is really trying to say: The economy is really bad to say the least. I worry that though we are getting by now, what would happen if my company had lay-offs? I am often the one who has to say, "No, we can't buy that. Things are tight this month." and it stinks to be such a grinch. I dig my kids a lot and feel like you get to have all the fun and make all the memories with them. Gosh, since I am doing 100% of the traditional money earning, it sure would be great if you did 100% of the home-earning (i.e. even guy stuff like taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn). I feel like you are very involved in motherhood and I wonder where I fit into your picture...Could we make some time for us?

Again, I am just attempting to translate from Man-ese which is a pretty foreign language. But some guys are not good at communication so it is worth it to make sure you know what he is really saying. And if that doesn't work...A hard core PowerPoint presentation with just the $$$ facts outlining "Me Working" vs "Me At Home" scenarios wouldn't hurt.

Good heavens, L., you should not have to prove yourself to anyone! I can't believe anyone would have the nerve to think that you do nothing all day, when you're home with 4 kids plus twin boys! Have they no IDEA what that must be like? It's really too bad that your husband and his family cannot look at this from your perspective - that is a severe lack of insight on their part.

While I don't think you should ever have to prove to anyone what you do all day (because that should be painfully obvious to anyone who thinks about it for half a second), one thing you can do to get your husband on board is to figure out financials. If you work full time, you'll have your kids in day care full time. I'm not sure how many young ones you have that aren't in school, but during the summer months, you would be finding child care no matter what. Contact a local center and find out what it would cost to send your four kids there. Estimate what your income would be this year if you were working full time, minus the cost of day care for the kids. If the payout of working full time is little more than you'd make doing the day care for the boys, then the choice is obvious. If you'd still be making SOME money to supplement the household, you can argue the benefits of a stay-at-home mom versus one who works full time (there's all sorts of research to support the benefits of a full time parent online). In my case, when my husband and I were making the decision, my working meant that about 60% of my income would go toward day care for ONE child! I was making really good money as a teacher in Eden Prairie at the time, so it was a big decision to make. In the end, knowing that we could make it work financially, we decided that my staying home would be most beneficial for our family, because what's more important than that? Not to mention, what's more important than WHO is raising your kids? Wouldn't your husband rather you be the one raising them than someone else?

Wishing you all the best,
Amy K

I don't have any answers, but I can only imagine how hard you work with your children and the twins! I stay home with my one preschooler every summer, and it wears me out. I find, too, that it's much harder for me to carve out space for myself. (And I'm a full-time teacher during the year.)

As far as the depressed feelings and concerns about your marriage go: Consider seeking help from a professional. The issues sound complex and important. Work it out with your husband first and attend to your own well being; the in-laws issue will follow.

I would have your husband take a day or two off from work during the week when you a taking care of the twins and your kids. Since he thinks you do nothing all day, which we as moms know that is not true, have him take care of the twins, your kids, cleanthe house, do the laundry, go shopping with all the kids, cook all meals and do any shuffling to after school sport/dance activities. Then he can she really what you do all day. Then offer for him to stay at home and you'll go back to your professional job. I think after this experiment he won't say that you do nothing all day. Of course, you will be there just to supervise the day. Hope this is helpful.

why are they all up in your buisness anyways?? its none of their concern how you live your life-and your hubby-shame on him...but i went thru the same-only i also had 2 jobs outside the home an did daycare-for 11 kids...my home was always spotless etc.he made the comment one time...well i let all housework go for bout 2 weeks...it was a nitemare-he has to get off his pampered butt an do stuff...well never heard it again-needless to say weve been divorced for 25 yrs now.stand your ground with his folks..you didnt state the kids ages-but do they know the cost of daycare these days?? i paid 75.00 a week for 2 kids 50 hours a week...glad their grown...girl you just need to stand up for yourself-dont let it depress you-they are not worth your sanity.if you wanna talk more-feel free to mail me.

Hi L.,

When families struggle financially due to one income, the pressure falls on the sole income earner and puts a strain in the marriage. I understand your need to be home with the kids but if you are struggling financially you might want to reconsider staying home or maybe working part-time. He may have been supportive back when you made the decision but things may have changed. He probably worries a lot being the one to support the family financially. Financial reasons are #1 for divorce so you might want to sit down with him and find out his concerns and tell his family to butt out! It's non of their business and the more they get involved, the more your husband is at a loss on what to do - support you or side with his family. Could be he is going with his family but doesn't want to share his feelings (go figure - most men have this problem). He might be resentful too you can stay home and he has to work. I could never be a stay at home Mom so my hat is off to you but you made the decision so now you just have to figure out to make it work financially. I work full-time and sometimes wish I could be home but I know financially I can't and I am providing too for my family and later on my daugters will realize that. Good luck!

I'm not sure how much money you made when you were working but it would have to be a lot to take 4 children to daycare. I only have 2 in daycare and it costs me $2,000 a month! I barely make enough to cover it plus bring some extra home. Determine how much it would cost for you to go back to work and use that. Don't forget to add up the cost of gas, work clothes, drycleaning, daycare, lunches out, etc. Working is sometimes more expensive than it seems.

I'm sorry to hear that they don't see the best benefit of you raising your own kids instead of some daycare provider. Have you and your husband ever sat down and looked at how much you were actually bringing home after all food, car, daycare, clothing, etc bills were paid for you to be working? I can't imagine what daycare costs are for 4...even with two in daycare when I was working was crazy and took basically my whole paycheck and then throw in paying for gas in a 2nd car! Not to mention the biggest thing...how much time were you missing with your kids?! I realized I missed so much of my girls' firsts when I was working and I wouldn't give up the last 2 years I've had with them and our son (I stayed home after he was born). Maybe you should have your husband stay home with all the kids a couple days by himself (you leave for the same amount of time that he's at work) and then see if he thinks you're not doing as much "work" as him. :) I used to sometimes think that my husband resented me for getting to be at home with the kids and "doing nothing" but then he's started to realize just how much gets done and how difficult it is. It's also kind of a reality check for them when they can "see" how much doesn't get done when you stop doing some stuff...like the dishes, laundry, washing the kitchen floor, etc. One thing that I did with my husband was stop washing his clothes...I figured if he couldn't put it in the baskets (one for lights and one for darks) then I wouldn't wash them. It didn't make any difference until he wanted to wear that one thing that hadn't gotten washed! :) Good luck and have patience...in-laws can be difficult to live with sometimes. If they start talking about you going to work, just tell them this is what's best for your kids right now and then leave the room. Stand up for yourself and tell your husband you really need him to back you up or maybe you won't go to family functions with his side anymore.

Hi L.
There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." If you feel proud and fulfilled staying home with your children, stand in that place of pride when you interact with your in-laws. And do talk to your husband from that place as well, let him know that doing the right thing for your children is more important than pleasing his mother, father and brother, and that you need his support in this too! Good luck L.- taking care of children is a sacred trust.

First of all, making the decision to stay home w/ your kids even though it's hard financially is a great one...you are sacrificing work to be home w/ your little ones and that is awesome.:) You will never regret all the precious time you spent with them while they were little when you look back one day. Your IL's sound a lot like mine, they never once have said how great it is that I'm a SAHM and used to be pretty vocal about how I should be working to help bring home the bacon, never mind that their grand kids would be in a stranger's care every day of the week! Lucky for me my hubby stands up for me and is 100% in agreement w/ our decision for me to be home while our kids are little. I think you really need to talk to your DH and see why he is siding w/ his parents and not with you. I know being a mom of 3 is hard work and if your DH could only see what you do everyday maybe he could understand better, especially w/ the addition of 2 extra kids! I hope he sees the light and starts backing you up which is what marriage is all about. Good luck!

First of all, I will assume your staying home was a joint decision between you and your husband. I would love to be a stay at home mom, particularly at this point in my sons life. However, financially right now is not a good time for me to be a stay at home mom. I would suggest that if you are struggling financially, that you discuss with your husband what you can do to help. Ask him if he prefer you work a part time job to help out- I don't know the age of your kids, but you would have to weigh the cost of daycare against what you would make by working. Sometimes it just doesn't pan out. You can't let his family get to you- in laws are supposed to be a thorn in our sides. I am way fortunate that my inlaws have all been pretty awesome. Focus on you and your husband, and what you need as a family- you have to close the doors to the families- or it can tear you apart- I watched my family do just that with my first marriage.

One of the biggest causes for divorce is money problems. Another is how close / not from your in-laws you are.

For the first one, I would suggest going through Financial Peace University online with your husband. You MUST do this together. It is an online program and you can find it at www.daveramsey.com. Better yet if you can go an in-person class in your area, but I know time does not always permit this. And maybe your husband needs to take a vacation day and see what exactly it is that you do all day and how busy you are and how hard you work with all those kids!! :)

There should only be two people in a marriage, but it sounds like your husband has allowed a lot more into the middle of yours. You need to talk to him. Sit him down, and tell him how you are feeling. Remind him that you decided together that you would stay home to parent your children, and that he was supportive at the time. Ask him when and why this has changed. Is it because of the economy, or is it due to pressure from his family? Tell him how hurtful his lack of support, both in the things he says to you and in the way that he doesn't defend you to his family is to the longevity of your marriage. When you marry, you put your marriage on the front burner, and everyone else takes a back seat. Many people don't get it, or need help to actually do it.

Show him the ways that you staying home benefits your family (saving money by eating out less, not needing a second vehicle to get you to work, not needing expensive work clothes, not having to pay for daycare, etc.). It is much easier to see the money that isn't coming in, vs. the money that isn't going out.

I too, was an stay at home mother when my kids were small and I wouldn't have given that up for anything. If it were me, I would sit my husband down first and tell him that we had decided this together and it is the best thing for the children and the family. Point out that all you know he does is leave in the morning and come home at night tired and worn out but as far as the minute by minute things he does, you can only assume, just as he does with you. Tell him to knock off the remarks about not doing anything all day and if he doesn't, leave the kids with him for a weekend or even a day and a list of chores that you do each day, dishes, washing clothes and such. Tell him that this way he can see what you do every day. Then sit down with his family and tell them that while you appriciate their concern, your working or not is your husband and your's personal choice and unless you go to them for help or loans, then you would appriciate them keeping their opinion and remarks to yourself. I had to tell my mother in law more then once that something wasn't her choice and that we are adults and make those choices for ourselves. They may be upset with you but they will learn that you aren't going to be pushed around either, or treated like a second class family member.

Ugh - that's awful. If you ask me, with the 20 month old twins alone you are working just as hard. But if financially, you are struggling as a family and it's hard to make ends meet, sometimes tough decisions need to be made. If you do separate, will you have to work anyway? I would start by seeing a counselor and see if you can get your husband to go along. Having small kids can be very stressful on a marriage. Seriously try and see if there is anyway to work this out.