Husbands Ex Girlfriend. Why Is This Bothering Me So Much?

Updated on March 23, 2013
M.M. asks from Alcolu, SC
12 answers

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We dated for almost 2 years before we got married. When we had first met he was just coming out of a 2 year relationship. His ex had cheated on him with one of his really good friends. They broke up and she continued to try and talk to him but he ignored her. There's been plenty of times where he has said he hated her and his ex friend because of what they did to him.

My sister in law has known my husbands ex girlfriend since middle school. They were bestfriends and had a falling out because this girl sleeps with literally all of my sister in laws boyfriends or anybody she seems interested in. Yeah.. This girl is very loose with her body to put it in simple terms. My sister in law still lives at home with her mom and has started to befriend my husbands ex girlfriend again. My sister in law says she uses her for her car. Thats how my sister in law is and no we really dont get along. So basically she's over there a lot. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. Am I being insecure? I keep thinking what if my husband goes over to his moms and his ex is there.

Tonight we were talking and I said to my husband that I know he doesn't have feelings for her but it bugs me for some reason. He's very quiet about things so he basically said nothing back to me. I said what I said because I wanted reassurance that he didnt have any feelings for her. As I'm typing this I feel like I'm coming off as insecure and maybe so.

I've had interactions with his ex and they weren't very pretty. She tried to call me names and be immature on facebook, when me and my husband were first dating and I ignored her. She messaged me when me and my husband (boyfriend at the time) were havig problems and only my sister in law would know those things. So my sister in law has never been welcoming.

They havent been friends for about a year because of my husbands ex yet again sleeping with my sister in laws boyfriend at the time. Recently they have been hanging out a lot. I know this girl really wants my husband back. I also know I need to be more secure with myself. Any tips on how to do that mamas? This thought crosses my mind that my husband would want her back if he saw her. I really wanted him to reassure me in some way tonight. Hes a quiet person and doesnt say much about anything. Why is this bothering me so much?

I don't want to mention it to my husband again and seem needy and insecure.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Im not really sure what I'm insecure about. I think it's because I know how his ex girlfriend is and when she wants something she is so determined. My husband is actually loyal but sometimes does things to make me jealous. When I think about the possibility, I don't think he would cheat on me, I would hope not. But you never know and I'm worried about those old feelings coming up. He has said before that he thinks its messed up his sister talks to his ex after what she did to him.

Angie, No I'm not in highschool. This is actually a legitimate question. Don't even comment then??

More Answers

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

1. Yes, you're being insecure. It's been 3 years since they were together. You're married to him. She lost.

2. Why the heck would you talk to her? You can't blame her for drama if you respond. Block this chick on FB. Ask that your husband block her as well. It is important to place hedges of protection around your marriage. If someone is a problem, make an effort to keep them out and away.

3. If you need reassurance from your husband, you need to ask for it. Men don't take hints, nor do they react to innuendoes like women do. You mentioned that it bugs you to your husband, but you didn't say, "Honey, I know it's silly, but I really feel insecure. Do I need to be worried about this chick? What can we do to protect our marriage? I need to know that we're on the same page with this."

Best,

C. Lee

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Talking with your husband is called having good communication. If he's put off by your insecurity then you have an even bigger problem than being anxious about his ex. In a calm and unemotional voice tell him that you're feeling insecure and need his reassurance. Because he's the type who doesn't talk much, ask him questions. Ask him if he still has feelings for her. If he answers yes, which is possible, don't get upset. Ask him if he'd act on those feelings given the right circumstances. Again, stay calm. Problem solve with him. If he still has feelings ask him how you can help him. Ask him to help you feel more secure. Perhaps suggest a routine or ritual that you both can do together that shows your love for each other. Focus on being there for each other and not on what the ex might or might not do.

Know that it would be normal to still have some feelings for her. If we cared at all for those we have sexual intercourse we have some residual feelings for quite some time. Know that him having feelings for her does not necessarily mean he loves you any less. The feelings are biological and do not make sense. If he loves you, tho, he will not act on those feelings because his feelings for you will be stronger.

I suggest that counseling to learn communication skills would be very helpful. If he won't go, you go because you can learn ways to talk about how you feel so that he's able to hear it.

I recommend reading the book, Non-violent Communication for a start. Here's their web site. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I agree with Dawn.
Talk to someone now.
Stop bringing it up--you're right, it appears insecure and immature.
Why so little self confidence?
You cannot control what ex, SIL, or husband does, but you can control your own reactions. So be an adult.
You either trust your husband or you don't.
Either way, there's your answer.
Good luck!

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D..

answers from Miami on

Did you two have pre-marital counseling before you got married a year ago? Many pastors or priests won't even perform the ceremony without pre-marital counseling.

I'm thinking that you two didn't, and neither of you have really come to terms with this woman and your husband's sister's involvement in your lives. I really think (and yes, some here will roll their eyes when I recommend this) that you should get him to go to a marriage counselor with you. If you don't, you'll just continue to feel bad about this and not be able to let it go. Your husband's quiet nature is not helping in this, and you do have a right to talk about it with him because it is a continuing saga in your married lives.

Dawn

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

Are you insecure about her or your DH? If you need your husband's reassurance about the two of you, take a look at your relationship. Go on a date. Hold him accountable for his actions. His ex is a nutcase and he probably doesn't like her being friends with his crazy sister any more than you do. So if he's trustworthy, focus on him and not her. Consider the source.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

part of the problem may be that you were the rebound girlfriend. it's always a little worrisome when you're the first one after a bad experience.
but you guys did date for a good long time before you got married, so one would hope that all that would have been resolved.
however, your insecurity coupled with his natural reticence is disaster soup a-brewin'. while this particular incident is probably (hopefully) nothing, i don't think it would be a bad idea at all to do a little couples counseling so that the two of you can learn to communicate better, you with letting go of the anxiety, he with being more forthcoming.
good luck!
khairete
S.

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H.P.

answers from Houston on

I don't know how old you are, but you do sound pretty young. That's not meant to be an insult, just kind of a disclaimer that this might just be a matter of living life and experiencing the things that grow you, getting over whatever insecurities that are natural in teens and early twenties. Also, having been married less than a year, you haven't settled into your groove or rhythm with your husband yet. Even if you lived together for most of the time that you dated, actually signing legal documents and saying I do can shed a whole new light on things. It can make you feel a different sense of insecurity and "what if?", because there is more at stake if it doesn't work out. You feel more vulnerable because you made a public proclamation that he is THE ONE. That could be a big difference in how you're feeling. You two are still trying to figure out the difference between being married and being single, how your lives are and must be for this new leg of your journey. And right when you're trying to pee on your turf and establish your place in his family of origin, there she is still lurking about. Hell, pee on her, too. The script has not been written. You write it. You are his family now. Don't be afraid to talk to him. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, and give him what he wants. Don't be afraid to tell him--sharing, not whining--that you are feeling somewhat insecure, not exactly sure why, but would like some assurance from him that he is over her. Don't demand it. Present it to him like you two are a team, and your heart just needs a little maintenance to run at full capacity. Then, drop it. You can't get rid of her. Give him a chance to show you that he wants only you for a lifetime. The tricky part about that--it takes a lifetime to prove it. Enjoy the ride. Understand that it comes with periods of uncertainty, and just be prepared to love through those periods and learn whatever each moment has to teach you. Be open to that. That will build your confidence as a wife.

If you are uncomfortable being around this girl--especially until you feel solidified as a married couple--then don't spend time with her. Get it in your mind now that you can't control him. Don't try to stop him from seeing his mother or sister. Don't feel the need to tag along every time, to make sure that SHE stays at bay. DO spend time with his family enough to establish and build relationships. All you can do is tell him what you need from him and ask him to give it to you. You are, obviously, grown-up enough to be a wife. Don't bait your husband with statements designed to prompt him to comfort you. Come right out and tell him what you need.

One more thing: We all have ideas of what we think we'd do in certain situations. The truth is that we don't REALLY know until it happens. Fortunately for many of us, we don't have to find out. We get to live under the illusion that we've got it pretty much together. The flip side is that you also don't know how strong you can be until you get there. You probably thought that it would be no biggie if you guys were to ever run into this ex at the grocery store. Now, she actually has resurfaced, and you are trying to figure out how you feel about it and why and how to respond to it. That's very reasonable, and beautifully self-reflective. You're off to a good start by just asking yourself the question. If you just can't get her out of your head, maybe talk to a counselor who can give you tools for growing beyond that. Or just keep us in the loop; we'll guide you through it. Many of us are growing and have grown beyond this in our marriages and can relate.

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A.P.

answers from Washington DC on

First, your husband has feelings for her. He hates her - which is still a feeling. The goal is for him to have no feelings for her - simply not care. But those are his feelings and he's the only one that can control that process, so you can't really do anything about that. Except maybe not bringing her name up.

Second, this woman is going to offer her services to your husband or she isn't. Again, it's just out of your control. And who cares - you already know she's that type of girl, so no surprise.

But the only reason to be worried is if you think he might say yes. And that would mean that he's unhappy in his marriage. Are you two unhappy? Try to strengthen your relationship and make sure you're both happy and then you don't have to worry about any girl that offers her services, because his answer will always be no.

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S.K.

answers from Atlanta on

Your husband married you because he wanted to make that commitment and loves you~ I would assume....you do sound very insecure and the reasons for that I do not know. This could be your age and lack of "life experiences" if you are very young....(I know this as I married at the age of 16 and my husband was 19....we have been married for 39 years; and I tell you this because I was that insecure girl with lack of life experiences at the time)!
I think you should talk to your husband and ask him to please tell you how he is feeling~communication is a must in any marriage! Stop using the excuse that he is a quiet person for the reason he is not talking to you!
Good luck...

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N.L.

answers from Tampa on

I think if you do mention it, you will sound totally insecure. After all, he MARRIED you, not her....how much more reassurance do you need? If the sides were flipped, would you like it if your husband kept asking you if you were SURE you were over your ex? I know that would really annoy me.

But, since you are feeling that way, I would just focus on strengthening your relationship, so you don't have to have doubts. I met my husband just shortly after he broke up with his gf of 4 years. His ex tried to keep in touch with him, accused him of cheating on me with another girl, etc. We just made sure to keep our lines of communication open (he told me about the times she contacted him) and worked on keeping our relationship strong. Good luck!

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L.G.

answers from Austin on

Every time the ex comes into your mind, you have to remind yourself that your husband picked YOU! Now you need to make sure that you don't do anything to make your husband wonder if he picked wrong, so stop acting insecure. Never mention the ex to him ever again. Never. Stop looking for a way for your husband to reassure you. Even if he told you, you would wonder if he was telling the truth, so stop it. Men are naturally quieter than women. They do not talk about their feelings. They do not want to. So let him be quiet. Many men have also figured out that you will decode everything they says and come up with a lot of stuff they never said, so they choose to not say anything at all.

If you want to make sure he never thinks about another woman, be the kind of woman that he wants to come home to every night. Be the kind of woman that he fantasizes at work about. Do you think he looks forward to coming home to a needy, insecure little girl? Or would he prefer someone who just loves on him, tells him he is the best thing to come into your life, etc. My husband (even after 30 yrs.) loves hearing that I am attracted to him. He loves hearing what I love about him, etc.

About your sis-in-law, just let her pick her own friends. Who you hang out with says a lot about who you are. You know that about her, so who cares who she hangs out with? If your husband sees his ex, so what? If he likes what he has to come home to, then she could dance naked in front of him and he would probably laugh to himself at what trash she is.

You have to decide what kind of wife you are going to be. If you want to lose your man, then be needy, whiny, insecure, and be sure to bring up his ex. I'm sure he loves to be reminded of his unpleasant past...

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

What makes you think he wants her back? Do his actions indicate it?
Who is the "they" that have been haniging out? The ex and your SIL or the ex and your husband?
You can't do anything about who your SIL chooses to spend time with.
And while you have every right to ask your husband for an explanation if he's suddenly spending his leisure time with the woman who cheated on him, ultimately, you have no control over his behavior either. You either trust him to do the right thing or you don't.

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