I stay home and attend to the needs of our 5 kids and our home. my husband works full-time and is part of a soccer club organization part-time. when he has free time he chooses to attend extra time to the soccer field or show some kind of appreciation to his employees. i've mentioned to him several times that 1): i too need his attention; i'm not your maid or bed-mate, 2): he needs to use some of that free energy on spending time with our kids and doing something other than soccer with them. i'm tired of pleading with him for some attention for me and for our kids. he says i sound like a nagging wife and a broken predictable record. i am at the point now where i don't really care as much about anything that has to do with him/us as i don't even feel like we are friends. we did counseling a while back but that only lasted for a short time and a few months later he chose to go out with the guys to an inappropriate club that offends me as a woman. i nearly divorced him....., but our 5 kids kept me here once again struggling in this marriage(friendship?) i am not one to constantly plead for attention, especially from someone who doesn't want to give it...... i've turned to interacting more with my firneds but i have to admit that it allows me to build this brick wall with my husband. i get numb and no longer want anything to do with him.... but i am learning that it is not making our children happy. what to do?
thank you ladies for 1: taking the time to read what is going on in my heart, 2: making the effort to write me sharing your personal struggles, your opinions, and advice, 3: thank you so very much for keeping me in your prayers. as hard as this may be for me, i've turned to taking care of what keeps me going, keeps me alive, and keeps me full of energy and happiness.... my heart.
"above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." proverbs 4:23
wellspring: a source of abundant and continual supply.
a sour and bitter heart is what i have been carrying within me these past 2 yrs. a reflection of that has been shared with others through my hurtful sour and bitter tears, which has caused weeds to grow inside me, rather than joyful flowers......and this is not me. i bought myself some flowers this week, and all i could do was stare at how pretty they are. i've been changing it's water and feeding it it's vitamins to keep them from wilting and dying; rather keep them staying as healthy and beautiful as they are. thank you friends for reminding me that i too am a flower..... and i need to feed my heart with as much care and love to keep me smiling and feeling joyful.
you ladies are all awesome. thank you for sharing your love with me.
ruthg.
I really empathize with you. My suggestion is to do what makes you happy. Don't wait for him to do that for you. Get involved with something that brings you joy and it will also bring more joy to your marriage because you will be happier in your own life. I put my life on hold for my husband and I now severly regret that decision!
I think that most wives/mothers can relate, at some level, to your concerns; myself included. Here is what I did and do, to keep my husband and children engaged in my life...because let's face it, we spend most waking hours focusing on them...bring the the FOCUS back on you! Join a women's soccer team or train for a marathon OR whatever you like to do, but make it something that your family can in turn support you through. They need to see you as a person that has needs and desires outside of the marriage and motherhood. You will shine in a new light!
I think it would help you if you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger. It helped me to understand where my husband is coming from, and also to realize how much power we as women hold in regards to our marriages. (Obviously, it only helps if you chose a good man to marry and make 5 kids with.) The one thing that really helped me in becoming a better wife, is to just stop the nagging. You have to ask yourself: Do I want my husband to leave me over this? Also, try to be the person that you would want to come home to, that you would want to spend all of your time with.
Good luck to you! And remember: A happy marriage between you and your husband is the best gift that you can give to your children. He should always come first, and you should come first for him (which you will, if you read the book!)
Kick his ass! LOL J/K. Seriously at this point I would just delcare a strike. You don't need a day to yourself, you need a weekend! Go ahead and plan it, tell him where your going, when your going to be back and last but not least, he's got the kids.Don't forget to tell him why. And go have yourself a good time. And just for the record, my husband is right next to me reading this and he agrees with me. Even he will admit the first couple of years he wasn't as helpful as he is now, but like me I had to grow into the whole routine. It actualy took him a couple of days without me to realize that I work just as hard as he does. And he's a teamster! Good luck with everything. And if you find yourself in Las Vegas for that weekend off, send me a message! I know a lot of great bars!
Honestly, I would get a divorce at this point. Seeing that he has little to no interest in the marriage and family, I don't think it's worth staying around. You should not stay in the marriage for the children. You should try to work the marriage out for the kids (which you have) but not stay if it's obviously not working. I'm sorry, it sucks but that's what I would do.
It time for you to take time out and do something nice to treat and be good to yourself. Make an appointment to have a massage or any type of self pampering you prefer and enjoy. Let your husband know ahead of time that you have an appointment or that you have plans made for that day so he can plan on spending his time taking care of the kids. After you get pampered schedule to meet up with a friend for drinks, dinner or for a movie. Plan an entire day just to do things for you. Maybe buy a lipstick or a new pair of shoes! Remember not only your worth but that you truly deserve it. If your always waiting around for the other person to take notice or expect them to offer a little free time for yourself... Or you're destine to grow roots! And, the resentment you feel now will only get worse. I know it's hard for us mother's to take any time to do for ourselves but this one thing to do only for you . . . A MUST! Remember to always Love yourself first! Enjoy!
Hello R.
Do you believe in the Bible, because the advice I have includes the Bible. I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I have been married for 10 years. I too hated my husband and had a wall built up where he could not get in, I would dread seeing him I hated him, but I turned to the love chapter, because I was desparated for change and even though I wanted to leave I could'nt. So I got the love chapter 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and I meditated on those verses, I even wrote it down on 3x5 cards and carried them with me, and you know what happen my whole life change and I am now happier with my husband, our marriage is not perfect, we still have problems but the love chapter is at the forefront of our marriage and the love chapter being in my life is greater then the problems. I hope this is understandable. Any more questions please feel free to write.
I am married also and am by no means an expert but I have found that if you put things to them by using words like " I feel" it seems to go over better. I think the biggest thing is that husbands hate to hear us nag, and alot of the time we don't think we are but we are digging under their skin. If you haven't already try choosing your words very carefully and think it out before you talk to him. That way it seems like more of a two way street that he can say something. Try to input some times that you would like to do something together, even for one night. (don't put it to him like I want us to have a night together... more like I would like to spend a little more time with you. Do you think we could have "wednesday" as a family night? That way we have time all together and you can still go do the things you need/want to)
Maybe not those words exactly but you get the point. I have just found it easier for my husband and myself to get along that way.
we have an agreement that we need time together but also need time with our girls and guys need time with their guys. Just need to try to find a balance. I hope it all works out for you. I wish you the best
Sounds like you have a few things to sort out.....You mentioned you need him to pay attention to you and you end with you don't want anything to do with him. In between lies the truth and your children. Your request is to vague for anyone to give you any sound advice. I will say this though, if you think that you should remain in a marriage that you are not happy in, for the sake of the children, you could never be more wrong. My parents fought for years and throughout, we, each and everyone of us (there were four), grew to resent both our parents because of how miserable they made us. By the time we were grown, we had a monkey on our backs and it took years for us (the children) to forgive them for their selfishness and more so for blaming us for their no-hope marriage. The only thing and I take this to heart, that we learned was to be realistic in the relationships we had as adults. I too was in a 17 year relationship that ended, but when it did, I took my daughter out of fire and into the calm. Of course it hurt her, of course she cried, but she adjusted and she has a relationship with her father, it took time, but it is there. I was fortunate enough to have learned from my terriable experience, that people change, and it is no one's fault, we still respect each other and eventually we became friends, we were able to do so because we did try to make it work, we did, we also realized we were no longer the same people, don't get me wrong, we fought and sometimes it was hell, and when we couldn't find common ground we gave in, not for the sake of giving up, for the sake of realizing life's to short to be miserable and I would prefer to hold on to the good memories that we had rather than the bad memories that existed, the bad ones are over now because we did not give up, we both let go. Our daughter, happy and we've both moved on. We will always have our daughter to keep us connected and our love for her as parents is still as strong today as the day she was born, our love for one another is different now, and we are both HAPPY! If you still love your husband, don't fight about why you are unhappy, you and you alone can change the direction of your happiness, if you think about all the things you appreciate about him, there will be more to appreciate. I hope you find an approach that will either mend your family or tend your family, either way, because five children are involved, it something you both must decide together.........MY VERY BEST TO YOU AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU TONIGHT!
If you are still willing to work on your marriage, which it sounds like you are, I would suggest going back to counseling. If you didn't think the last one worked, then maybe try a different one.
Find out what you both want out of the relationship. Are you really aware of each other's feelings? Did you husband want to have 5 kids and not spend time with them? How are each of you feeling psychologically? Are there any signs of depression? That can sometimes make people feel and act differently than they would otherwise.
If you both still have the same goals for your family, then find a way to reach them. I have found myself reminding my husband of what kind of father he said he wanted to be. That usually brings him back to reality. He also has major depression with bipolar disorder. So that is also something that we (as a family) have to deal with. Sometimes he needs to get away and can't deal with basics needs of a family. That could be the escape your husband is seeking when he goes with his soccer guys.
A most importantly, pray--it changes things.
After 6 years I ended my marriage because I realized that no matter what I did we had grown too far apart and were not meant to be. I didn’t want to end up waiting until we hated each other but I did try everything I could before making the decision to end it. Even though we tried to keep all the bad things from the kids my oldest remembers how my ex and I were always mad at each other, how we were stressed and that I was depressed.
Now 9 years later my boys are happy, my ex is remarried and I am in a relationship with a great guy. I am definitely no longer stressed or depressed.
The thing is you need to do what you think is best for you and your kids. As their Mom only you know what is best for them.
