Husband with Aspergers-anyone Out There Have This Problem?

Why does it have to be Aspergers? Could it just be depression? Is he up for seeing a psychotherapist or psychiatrist? Sounds like it would be the best thing to do.

Greetings J.: This will be long but be patient and read to the very end and it may have information that you are looking for. I am the mother of a 22 yers old son that has Aspberger's Syndrome. I recieved a message about your post because believe it or not I missed it. Thank Goodness that she contacted me. I bet that you are a very special lady with a good heart to have fallen in love with this man. I hope that I can help you with understanding what is going on so that you can keep that feeling still in your heart. If he was an amputee (like my husband), or blind, you know that you would have to make adjustments the same is true for Aspberger's Syndrome. I hope that my son is blessed to have a woman like you in his life someday.
Since you have looked up and read about Aspberger's you know it is a form of Autism. It won't be curable but it will be helped with medications that you will have to monitor and be sure are taken. Along with the Asberger's you might have other things going on. For our son it is dyslexia, psorisis, and a very mild case of Von Willard Bran type one mild. So you may be dealing with several things at once.
Do you have Kaiser? My son has an excellent theripst there that is educated in Special Education and has made a world of differance in our lives. If you do ot have Kaiseer I could ask him how to find someone in your area that can help.
You can try and see if there is an Aspberger's Support group in your area and RUN to it as they will help you bear up under the burdens that are placed upon your shoulders.
There are many other things that go on at once like Bi-Polar, Sever Depression, Autism. All that help make it easier to just check out rather than stay with the moments.
Our son, is on Omega 3 fishoil supplements as they help in the areas of skin and internal help, What medications is your husband taking? Do you keep all drugs and alcahol away from him? Our son, is amazing he attendsschool, with lots of help from the disability center and it throws his world a loop if he misses class or had changes of any type. He feels horrible if he can't do wht others expect of him and when they ask so he goes on over load. Example : If I give him a list of things I need done and are just saying them off the top of my head he thinks he has to get up right then and start doing it - even if he is eatting dinner. We have learned he can only handle one set of instructions at a time. So I never give him more than he can handle. We learned that the written word means little to him and if it is written in cursive he is lost. So I will print a list of 3 things that I want done and tell him to do it by a certain time if it is important, and he can do it at his time and leval.
His doctor told us to see the rooms tht he stays in and reallly look at them. They reflect the way his mind is working -- fully organized, cluttered, down right messy etc.
He has several nieces and nephews that are the love of his life and yet he gets frustrated because they might not do as he asks. But he will jump over the moon to make them happy. He has been called by a special nickname for several years by the oldest ones because he growled at them when they woke him up one time. His loving heart makes all the trouble times we have easy to deal with. He has always been different and that is not easy on people. He became an Eagle Scout, attends clubs at the junior college he attends, goes to school everyday and we have just recently seen him develope in the area of art when he started creating figures for War Hammer. He has worked but it was not a success as he was treated and expected to be like "normal people" and they did not have him helped with disability. He gave thta grocery store 100 % and spent hours there before and after work so he could learn the store his being let go left him bereft and so depressed that I worried he would hurt himself. It took months but he finally recognized it was not his fault this time but unrealistic expectations of the store of him. But he came to this himself so it was a real breakthrough.
I have seen him be a hollow person totally within himself where the world is safe and beautiful and people are kind. I have also seen him be the one who takes enough food to the party to feed an island in case someone is hungry, I have seen him invite someone over and then not be able to keep all the plates twirrling on the sticks and get overwhelmed. He is very into gathering information and watches the history and discovery channel. Their lives are very like a kelidascope fractured and making pretty pictures that other's may not recognize.
As you can tell I love, have pride in and admire my son and see him as he is not as I wanted him to be. I would not trade him for the world and my world would be lost without him. But I do understand the hardships. I also understand that now that you have a child you are worried. My mother was a depressed woman that chose not to raise myself, now we know that she too had a form of Autism. My other children had tried for years to make thier brother more like them so he could handle the world around him now they just fear he will be hurt by stupid people & heaven help them whrn the brothers find them!!
I have several people that I know to be experts in the field of special needs adults, because they are the family members that are the caretakers. If you would like to contact me anytime day or night I will be there for you. I admire that you have courage, strength beyond others that take the easy road and you can make this work with the help of others that have been there and wear the t shirt .
May you be blessed for all your efforts, Nana Glenda

J.,

I am editing this after reading some other posts just to say, ignore people who are not coming up with encouraging ideas and possibly listen to a bit too much talk radio entertainment ( and I enjoy and support some of those hosts ) and do not understand that mamasource is a great place for non judgmental support amongst women and caring men when something is concerning them. One of the best things one can do when they are not sure where to start is to toss out a concern in a neutral, anonymous space. If we want judgment and harsh responses, there is plenty of that to be had in most of our mist. So back to my original response.

I am sorry for your heartache and disconnection. I encourage you to have your husband evaluated. I believe that the DSM-4 is going to be re-written this year to include Aspergers. Someone else on here might be able to clarify this or update. The DSM is the diagnostic manual. If that is true and it is a true diagnosis for your husband, he would be eligible for Regional and Mental Health services and your family could receive support. If you have insurance, I would pursue depression and anxiety in your clinical services.

Services could include respite and therapy, social cues awareness and others
Budgets are tight and services are hard to aquire for children let along adults.
My suggestions
Get a very good doctor in your area that specializes in adults.
Get a family therapist and support in place for your daughter.
Make sure your husband is not clinically and severely depressed.
NOW, most importantly...get support around YOU. clinical, familial, spiritual, financial.
Whatever road you are on, you need your oxygen mask on first so that you can help your daughter and your husband.

Try not to go it alone.
Best!
C

Some of the same medications that benefit people with Autism and Aspergers Syndrome are also used for depression and bi-polar disorder.

I just got this today -- it describes many of the people I know with Aspergers Syndrome, too.

Top 10 Terrific Traits of Autistic People

If you're sick of hearing about all the "deficits" challenging people on the autism spectrum, join the club. But for every down side to autism, there seems to be a positive -- an unusual trait that rarely appears among the "typical" community, but shines out among autistic folk. These plusses are well worth celebrating.

1. Autistic People Rarely Lie
We all claim to value the truth, but almost all of us tell little white lies. All, that is, except people on the autism spectrum. To them, truth is truth -- and a good word from a person on the spectrum is the real deal.

2. People on the Autism Spectrum Live in the Moment
How often do typical people fail to notice what's in front of their eyes because they're distracted by social cues or random chitchat? People on the autism spectrum truly attend to the sensory input that surrounds them. Many have achieved the ideal of mindfulness.

3. People with Autism Rarely Judge Others
Who's fatter? Richer? Smarter? For people on the autism spectrum, these distinctions hold much less importance than for typical folks. In fact, people on the spectrum often see through such surface appearances to discover the real person.

4. Autistic People are Passionate
Of course, not all autistic people are alike. But many are truly passionate about the things, ideas and people in their lives. How many "typical" people can say the same?

5. People with Autism Are Not Tied to Social Expectations
If you've ever bought a car, played a game or joined a club to fit in, you know how hard it is to be true to yourself. But for people with autism, social expectations can be honestly irrelevant. What matters is true liking, interest and passion -- not keeping up with the Joneses.

6. People with Autism Have Terrific Memories
How often do typical people forget directions, or fail to take note of colors, names, and other details? People on the autism spectrum are often much more tuned in to details. They may have a much better memory than their typical peers for all kind of critical details.

7. Autistic People Are Less Materialistic
Of course, this is not universally true -- but in general, people with autism are far less concerned with outward appearance than their typical peers. As a result, they worry less about brand names, hairstyles and other expensive but unimportant externals than most people do.

8. Autistic People Play Fewer Head Games
Who was that woman, and why were you looking at her? I know I TOLD you I didn't mind if you went out, but why did you believe me? Most autistic people don't play games like these -- and they assume that you won't either. It's a refreshing and wonderful change from the Peyton Place emotional roller coaster that mars too many typical relationships!

9. Autistic People Have Fewer Hidden Agendas
Most of the time, if a person on the autism spectrum tells you what he wants -- he is telling you what he wants. No need to beat around the bush, second guess, and hope you're reading between the lines!

10. People with Autism Open New Doors for Neurotypicals
For some of us neurotypicals, having an autistic person in our lives has had a profound positive impact on our perceptions, beliefs and expectations. For me, at least, being the mom of a son on the autism spectrum has released me from a lifetime of "should" -- and offered me a new world of "is."

Hi J.
I was just speaking to someone on here a few weeks ago whose son has this, I will look thru my files and point out your point (she may have already seen it) anyway, I don't know anything about Aspergers, but perhaps the person with whom I was speaking can share her family's experience.
I wish you all the best

Did you read this article in the NY Times? :

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/fashion/17love.html?_r=...

Seems right on target. I'm sure that the author of this article would respond to you if you emailed and they might have some good resource ideas. I would send an email to the general editor of the column and see if they can forward it for you:

____@____.com

Sounds stressful, be kind to yourself.

If the link doesn't work please send me an email via the moderator and I'll send it in text form.

Also, a regular physician is likely to have no knowledge about Asperger's and be unable to distinguish it from depression or other things. And many people have physicians who don't even know them that well (e.g. my husband has probably seen his PCP 2 times). You would need to consult with someone experienced in that realm. Email me if you're not sure where to turn - I work in the mental health field and could probably find a referral for you.

Negative responders (i.e. as below) are perhaps themselves dealing with some issues that result in inappropriate behavior. Take what you like and leave the rest (as they say).

Good luck.

J.:

What made you marry this man? Is there something good about him? First talk to him in a civilized and polite manner regarding your concerns. Print a check list for asperger's and read it together to find out. Some people go through life undiagnosed and it is very hard for them to understand their possible "label". Let him know that it is okay to have a condition like his; many have cancers, many have other chronic conditions, and many have autism and Asperger's.
I hope you love this man enough to help him out. You may be dealing with two children at this time (don't most of us are? with out husbands?). He has to learn and to adjust to your daughter. If you don't trust his judgement in caring for your daughter, then don't give him this responsability.
If you have been giving this challenge, then you must be strong enough to deal with it and help him as much as possible. You may be needing counseling for him, to understand and accept his condition. Please, make the effort and try to save your family, it is worth it!
Blessings.

Hi J., I really feel for you, my dad has Aspergers and the effect of his emotional absence on my family has been devastating. There doesn't seem to be much acknowledgement of the effect on families when a member has this difference.

I am 40 and when I was growing up there was no information about Aspergers, but I always knew dad was "different." He just never could interact much with the world. My mom (they divorced when I was 2) explained him as "passive-aggressive" or "schizoid" (it was the 70's) which weren't very helpful, but, I think it was good that she acknowledged a problem. I always knew his actions didn't mean he didn't love me and that he was just different from other people. Unfortunately, being a sensitive girl I assumed a caretaking role for him really early as a way to relate. He seemed to need so much help!

I would encourage you to be honest with your daughter about her dad's condition and to help to educate her about Aspergers, and also to reassure her that he can cope with the adult world in his fashion (even though it really, really does not seem like he's coping) and that plenty of people thrive with the condition. Does your husband acknowledge the condition? It would be great if everyone could talk openly about it. That could make a world of difference to your daughter's mental health.

I have a 5 year old and she got really scared of grandpa around age 2 also, because of just the "vacant lump" syndrome you described. I ended up asking him not to visit for a while since my daughter would get so upset. It was hard. I guess I don't have advice for you but I do empathize. I know exactly what it feels like to have an Aspergers person welded to the couch staring at his thumbs. You need support at this time of life especially and you deserve it! The world is full of active, engaged people who can bring joy to you and your daughter and good for you for reaching out.

Please feel free to email me if you'd like, I could go on and on about living w/Aspergers...;)

best to you, J.

If it is Asperger's, and I think you should encourage him to pursue formal evaluation to better understand it, then it is probably not that he doesn't WANT to interact with you or your daughter successfully he just doesn't know how. If you are willing to teach and guide him (don't ALL wives do that to some extent) then you can probably get his participation. Encourage him to do SPECIFIC things with her, rock her in the rocking chair, play peek-a-boo, change or dress her, feed her. All of those activities can have a social component and they can give him opportunities to be successful with her in baby steps. If something can be broken down into a checklist then do that. Predictability and routines can be very important to people with Asperger's so put these things on a schedule and then expect him to do them.
Also, people with Asperger's can also have mental health issues like depression and bipolar disorder, just because one exists doesn't rule out the other. A daddy is very important to a little girl so before you bail out, see if you can get his participation and be willing to teach him if you need to. Parenting doesn't come naturally to everyone, but most parents really want to do a good job with/for their children.

J.

BOOK: 22 Things a Woman Must Know.
If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome
by Rudy Simone.

Although having Asperger Syndrome (AS) can make romantic relations
difficult, having a fulfilling relationship with an Asperger man is
certainly not impossible. A woman in love with a man with AS may interpret
his difficulties with communication and socialization as a lack of interest
in the relationship. He may vacillate between being gentle and caring to
seeming cold and distant. She may find his behaviour hard to understand,
resulting in feelings of loneliness, isolation, and confusion. This book
shows how to overcome these difficulties and maintain a loving relationship
with an AS partner.

From an unwillingness to show affection in public or even sleep in the same
bed to problems holding down a job, this book looks at 22 common traits that
women may discover when they are dating, living with or married to a man
with Asperger's Syndrome. Rudy Simone explores the complications of
Asperger's relationships with honesty and understanding, drawing on research
and personal experience to inform and advise women with AS partners. She
offers helpful tips for improving the relationship and finding fulfillment
both individually and as a couple.

This book will help women to understand the male Asperger's mind and,
equally, it can help men with AS to see things from their partner's
perspective. It will also be of interest to counsellors working with
couples where the male partner has Asperger's Syndrome.

Book details:
22 Things a Woman Must Know.
If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome.
Rudy Simone.

Find out more and buy this book:
http://www.jkp.com/new/9781849058032

Praise for the book:

"There are many books that have been written about being in a relationship
with a man with AS, but I have found none to be as insightful, accurate and
understanding of both perspectives as this book by Rudy Simone. Each section
of the book says it just the way it is; it is realistic, positive and
unbiased."
- From the Foreword by Maxine Aston, author of The Other Half of Asperger
Syndrome, Aspergers in Love and The Asperger Couples Workbook.

People who bought this book, also bought:

Loving Mr Spock: Understanding an Aloof Lover
Could it be Asperger's Syndrome?.
Barbara Jacobs.
http://www.jkp.com/new/9781843104728

Asperger Syndrome and Adults... Is Anyone Listening?: Essays and Poems by
Spouses, Partners and Parents of Adults with Asperger Syndrome.

Karen E. Rodman.
http://www.jkp.com/new/9781843107514

Counselling for Asperger Couples.
Barrie Thompson.
http://www.jkp.com/new/9781843105442

Asperger Syndrome - A Love Story.
Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton.
http://www.jkp.com/new/9781843105404

Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work.
Katrin Bentley.
http://www.jkp.com/new/9781843105374

Love, G.. :0)
http://stemcellforautism.blogspot.com/

"I know of nobody who is purely Autistic or purely neurotypical. Even God had some Autistic moments, which is why the planets all spin." ~ Jerry Newport

I don't have any first hand knowledge, but there was a great article in yesterday's NYTimes (Fashion and Style Section) about a husband (written by the husband) who figured out he had Aspergers. He describes how they figured it out and had a little about how they are coping with it. If nothing else, it might you feel less alone. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/fashion/17love.html?_r=...

Good luck.

Can you talk to your mother in law? I would think the first order of business is asking your husband to go to counseling with you. This may open the door to testing and at least more communication between you.
Good Luck

It is important for your husband to have a full work up by a qualified professional. After a diagnosis is made, there will be a treatment plan which may include psychotherapy, medication, or both. It is also important for you to get the support you need.

Good luck and take good care.

S. M.

J., first let me say I admire your courage in what sounds like a difficult situation. You deserve a lot of credit for getting through each day and keeping yourself and your family together.

My advice is not assume that your husband has this condition without a medical workup. He should see a doctor to make sure there isn't another cause for his behavior.

Next, I think you need support for yourself. Is his family nearby? Yours? Also, there are numerous support groups in the greater Sacramento area. Have you considered trying one of those? Your doctor can be a helpful resource also.
Best of luck to you and your family,
A.

I agree with Marlene. If I were in your shoes I would start by contacting his regular physician to find out what you can do. This sounds like a problem you may not be able to tackle on your own. If you don't already have a good support system around you start reaching out now.

Having him evaluated would probably be beneficial, not only to get him help, but also for your daughter's sake. Someone may have more info, but I think if you cal your county office of mental health, they could point you in the right direction as far as where to start. Your family doctor or even your daughter's pediatrician would probably also be good helps in that direction. Best of luck to you. I am sure what you are going through is not easy, and I hope you can find support soon.

The first thing I would do is have him go in for a complete neuro-psychological evaluation. They can diagnose him and help form a treatment plan. It sounds like he will need individual therapy, as well as family therapy. You can learn how to be a happy family again.

J.,
Are you sure its aspergers and not bibolar disorder. Either way you need to get a diagnosis, so you can learn how to help him best.
W. M.

Was he molested or abused as a child? If so this may be a huge reason why he isn't connecting with your daughter.

What a lovely response Clare sent you! And what a difficult situation for you. I have a friend with Asperger's, and sometimes he is such a pain in the butt, I can't imagine what he will be like as someone's spouse. But if you want to make this work, you will have to get him into some kind of family counseling. You will have to get it across to him that he is hurting you and his daughter, and that you can't allow that to continue. You will have to protect her, because he can't.

Uh, wow Aline, way to place judgment on someone who needs advice.

That doesn't sound like Asperger's to me; it sounds like severe depression. If I were in your shoes I'd tell husband "Your behavior/non-behavior is scaring the hell out of me and I want you to get treated or snap out of it."

Then I would think about seeing a divorce attorney. Because do you really want to care for your 17-month-old and her husk of a father for the rest of your lives? No. Clearly the child needs you. If her father won't get help for himself, you take her and get out of that marriage.

I want to offer a suggestion...in Al Anon they urge the family to take care of themselves and not rescue the alcoholic. I know your husband isn't an alcoholic, but you need to take care of yourself and your daughter first. If your husband doesn't feel as if there's a problem or refuses to do anything about it then you need to take care of yourself. I can understand you not wanting to babysit your husband. What pressure you must feel to have a husband that is so disconnected from you and your daughter. But, it is not your responsibility to solve his problems. I would try to get his extended family involved and pressure him to get help. If he refuses help then it's up to you to do what is best for you. You are in a very tough situation. My thoughts are with you.

Hi, there is much that can be done with balancing the body and the processing centers for this challenge. I am a nutritional consultant and I work with individuals on the spectrum focusing on lowering the heavy metal / toxic body burden , replenishing nutrients and balancing the immune system to allow repair....which has a huge impact on health.

I would encourage you to watch... www.sharethecause.com/live .

If this speaks to you and you would like some additional info and help setting up a complete balanced all natural plan.. contact me via the comment section. I would be happy to answer any questions and help all I can. L. Medina ###-###-####

Hi J., what town do you live in? Call New Direction to Hope at ###-###-####, they specialize in the autism spectrum disorders. I hope this helps, good luck and hang in there.
-R.

Others have said it and it's good advise. Get him to his physician. Go with him and be the voice who observes his behaviors. Keep a log of behaviors. Talk about it. Get it out in the open.

This is not something for one person, as spouse, to deal with. Both of you need support. You've reached out and now you need to follow the advice of getting professional help for your family.

Good luck,
Stephanie

Yelling at him does not work, for he does not think the way you do. He probably takes 10 % of the negative that you say and thinks it is 90 % negative. # 1 , he can not help it, for that is the way he is and needs someone to understand him. Hard to do when the wife and mother is the only one taking care of the situations in the home. Also, the men and women difference is part of the problem and being depressed he needs some help and the lack of self confidence as a husband and father is part of his lack of self esteem. sincerely....