Husband Travels for Work and Is Never Home.

I have been throught the same thing and my son is 8. It makes it hard because boys need their dads. It seems like my son thrives for attention sometimes...I hate it, cause now it's like the cord is still attached...LOL. He's a momma's boy now...sometimes that's ok....but a break is nice too.

C.,
When I married my husband he had a job that required him to be gone all but a day or two a month. At that time it wasn't too difficult for me, but after a few years I realized that we had a very shallow relationship.
One thing you may not have thought about is the fact that it is just as difficult for the one on the road as it is for the one staying home.
My husband felt sorry for himself and found lots of other women who would "comfort him". When I found out he was being unfaithful, I knew something had to be done.
He quit his job and I worked part time while he worked his way up in another line of work that was related to the one he had left.
Thirteen years later, he was fired when he required a couple weeks off to have heart surgery. He fought for and obtained unemployment, but it is hard to find a job when you are over 50, so he went back to traveling again.
We have three school-aged children, and it is hard on all of us to have daddy not home much. Some of the things we have done to help make it easier include ;

(1)We have cell phones and we talk to one another at least once a day. The children all talk to daddy every evening so he knows what is going on with them.

(2)I keep him apprised of everything that goes on at home, I keep a journal so I remember what went on, both good and bad.

(3)I take a lot of pictures of the kids, and a lot of pictures of him with the kids when he is home. He takes pictures of the kids along with him, and those of us at home keep pictures of him where we see them often.

(4) I stick to a really tight schedule when my husband is gone, but when he is home, it is pretty much a holiday and we only do the minimum that we can get away with.

(5) When he is home,we "shift gears"; I step back and let him be the main parent. That way I get a little time for myself, without the kids, and it helps me to not treat him as a kid, even though he sometimes acts like one.

(6) I try to schedule at least one fun family activity whenever he is home, and we attend church as a family whenever we can.
He tries to attend church wherever he is at, and the kids and I go always. It's just another little connection.

(7) I try to schedule at least one time while he is home for just the two of us. Sometimes we'll get a sitter and go out, but mostly it is just running errands together or maybe going out to lunch while the kids are in school.
(It is also important to schedule some time to be intimate. I know it sounds odd to schedule it, but with limited time, you have to.)

(8) We say "I love you, and I miss you " A LOT. It's important to re-affirm your commitment to making your marriage work, not only to each other, but to yourself.

(9) Pay attention to the qualities you like in each other. Don't sweat the small stuff. I try to show my husband whenever possible that we appreciate the sacrifices he makes for his family. He's the one away from home.

(10) I've had to develop a "thick skin"; I am not easily offended. I try to remember that unity is very important, and we do not have time to waste in argueing. If my feelings get hurt, I write in my journal, and then look at it at a later time and evaluate if the incident was deliberate or just a misunderstanding. I pray about things and it helps.

I hope I have been able to give you some advice that you can use...it's a trial, but if you allow it to, it will strengthen you for whatever else lies ahead.
Best wishes,
L. in Ohio

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I understand. When I was younger my husband was in the military and gone for up to 8 months per year. After we divorced I began working for the military and well, travel is very common. Then about a year ago I met the man of my dreams, Ben... a military contractor in Iraq. Much of our relationship took place over web cams until he returned home for good this fall.

While my experiences are very different from yours one thing is the same, maintaining a relationship through distance and infrequency. It's rough at times but as long as the two of you work at making the time you do get together special you'll get through it and before you know it your husband will have enough experience to go on to a local job. I know it may not sound like a good thing but I've learned that some distance is a good thing. It's helped me develop strong communication based relationships. Maybe this could be your opportunity to increase communication too? Ben and I made the time he was in country extra special to us. We didn't go and spend tons of money, we just took the time we were given to really enjoy each other. You could do the same with your husband. Maybe schedule one day/evening each time he's in to do something special,just the two of you and one day/evening as a family. Have your husband read story books or play simple games via video camera for your son. My kids always loved having a story read to them via video where they could sit and read it too. We've always kept lots of pictures and lots of phone calls coming. A strong network of friends, for both of you is important too. When he's away make the most of the phone calls or even invest in a lap top and webcam. It is frustrating, I won't lie there, but it can be a wonderful opportunity for you as well. Could you use the time when your husband's gone to explore an interest of yours, go to a class, or simply have some time with friends? Communication, closeness, and trust will get you though this. You're in my thoughts!

My husband has traveled the whole time we have been together which is 17 yrs. We now have a 14 month old and i am 5 months pregnant. I do understand how you feel but i think that if my husband was home a lot more we would not get along for the fact that we have a schedule when he is gone and when he is home he changes it and i don't know if i could handle that all the time. Yes i do sometimes wish that he would find something else but in the long run it may just hurt us more. I do hope that one day he would maybe travel two weeks out of the month instead of all four. I know i have not been much help but just think he does have a job some people out there don't have husbands taht work.

My husband was in the Coast Guard before this, so I was used to him not being home but every other day. Now that he is an over the road trucker...it's difficult to handle. We just bought a house, have an almost 2 year old son, and I have a full time job plus school...It is so hard having my husband gone all the time. I do not get any time alone, ever! I am having to pay the bills, go to college, work a full time job helping families fix their problems, and never even get a hug or other human contact besides from my son (which I absolutely adore) but adult interaction would be nice every now and again.

I thought about going to counseling to see if this would help me control my emotions more around him. I tend to be mean to him more often than not because he is gone so much. I try not to be, but it just happens. I feel a lot of anger toward him :(

I am not in your shoes yet, but will be in about a month or so. My husband is quitting his job and going to go train for an over the road driver the end of Janurary. They said he would be home 6 days a month. Which is such little time. I know it is going to be hard for us, and I am sure I don't even know the extent of how it is going to feel. I just look at it as short term. After a year of working for them he is going to apply more locally so he can be home more. He has to get the experience first and work for this company for at least a year cause they pay for his training. I have planned to do lots of things with the kids during the time he is gone. We got a Zoo membership and a COSI one.I think you just have to find different ways to look at it. Just know that he won't be at that one for long if he plans on applying some place closer down the road. I wish I had better advice for you. Hope you find ways to make it all work for you! Happy New Year!! N.

Well, I must say that being a stay at home mom to a 5 year old son is a challenge in itself..much less adding the stress of having your husband working away from home. Being in a long term relationship (not marriage, but I couldnt love him anymore if we were married) with someone who travels has always been difficult. However, I have found that certain concessions are a MUST...not rules...just a "revamp" to our way of thinking the way a relationship is supposed to be.

For example, quality time must be just that! and accessibility must be worked out. There will be times that his "fatherly" advice and assistance with your son will be very necessary. So maybe you could set aside time each night with your husband to discuss concerns that are going on at home. Dont make the entire conversation about the negative "stuff" going on at home where he has no "control" and cant truly be a physical part of the solution, as he may begin to feel that every time he speaks to you, it is always negativity..so try to limit the "bad" to 5 minutes of your call..sometimes its hard...being the one that stays at home..because trust me, you will want to vent..

keep your chin up! This seems to be a very TEMPORARY situation. As he gets more experience, he will be able to apply for more local positions...As for my situation, my partner had to relocate to Richmond, VA in July, 2005... and even though he isnt the biological father to my children (teenage girls) he assumed the "Daddy" role...we speak to him everyday, however, it is a challenge. We see each other as often as possible and he is always here for the "important" stuff...high school dances for my girls, most of their games, as they play sports, holidays, and sometimes just because... However, you must remember, it could be much worse..How would you feel if he wasnt interested in working...he could be out there doing much worse than trying to provide for his/your family.

There will be hard times...times when you just want him there to lie next to you...just remember to find things that comfort you. I began reading..never had taken the time to do that..but at night, I turn on a heating pad, bought what I call "my cuddle pillow" (which I only put off my bed when he is here)...and read. The heating pad simulates his "warmth", the pillow..which is simply a pink, square, scrunchy kind of thing that I got from Bed, Bath and Beyond...simulates my need to cuddle and the book occupies my mind and all these things help to "soothe" me and my desire to be with him. Stay connected to him as well as yourself!

But most importantly, NEVER allow your son to feel that Daddy being "gone" is a bad thing..assure him that Daddy is at work and let him be involved...you could tell him, Gee wont it be great to make him a special dinner together his first night back home!! Your son will appreciate being involved with the "celebration"...my girls (15 and 18) have decided that preparing a special meal for Jeffrey when he comes to Columbus shows him their undying love for him, no matter where he has to be for his job!

and although it is frustrating at times...good for you for asking for advice! If I can help, let me know...I still struggle with it, however, I find it easier to cope with if I talk about the frustration.

Good Luck!
Susie

I understand what you are going through. My husband is a pilot, and is gone for 19 days, and then home for 7-8. He has been doing this for about 10 months. At first it was really, really hard, but it has gotten better. As time went on I adapted and we found ways to keep ourselves from growing apart. We have one child, and I am basically a stay at home mom when he is gone, and then I work a bunch of days when he is home. We don't see a whole lot of each other, either. Hopefully this is only temporary. This is what we have done to keep our sanity and keep us from drifting apart: We talk to each other at least once a day to check in (usually several times a day), we schedule time for us to be together when he is home, when he is in the area (within about 2 hours) I try to take our daughter and go see him for the day, and I make sure he has plenty of time with our daughter when he is home. I also put little notes in his suitcase, and he sends me cards sometimes. We also got him a laptop with a webcam on it, and we have a webcam at home so we can talk and see each other via the webcam. There is a free program you can download called Skype, and you can talk for free (with video). That's been great for us, especially since our little one grows and changes so much. The website is skype.com. Look at the part that says Skype to Skype- the Skype to Skype calls are always free. Basically, you just have to download the Skype program on your computer at home, and on the laptop, and set up different screen names. Then you can talk to each other whenever he has an internet connection. We've been using Skype with a family member in Iraq, and my parents who live out of state, too. If you have any questions about it, feel free to ask. It sounds like this is a temporary situation for you as well. It will get better.

Hi C.!

Wow. How timely. My partner just got his CDL. After years of white collar drudgery, he decided to toss over a crappy paying job (with a master's degree even!)and went to Wyoming for six weeks to train and work. He will have one whole week off every month and I'm considering myself lucky after hearing your story and those of others here.

I try to keep busy, but it's hard since we haven't been in Columbus long and I don't know many people. I try and look at the positive side -- time for me and my daughter alone and less housework. I agree that it's important to have time alone together when you do see him.

That said, I've seen lots of ads for driver jobs that say "guaranteed home weekends" and stuff. Is that just a bait and switch I wonder? You might suggest he take a look at the oilfields in Wyoming where my partner is working. There's a constant job posting at Careerbuilder.com for workers with CDLs -- they pay to fly them out and fly them back home (with pay) every three weeks. During the three weeks on, there's more overtime available than anyone can handle, so the money is really good. Let me know if you want more information. Good luck!

Hello C. My husband is a truck driver also. He works for a local moving co. and I never know when he will be home or when he will be out. He has been doing it for about a year now. I won't sugar coat things to say it has been easy, but I read the response from Linda and she said that you had to have thick skin. I agree with everything that she had to say. My husband and kids talk on the phone as much as possible. I would highly recommend cell phone where you have unlimited mobile to mobile calls. That has been a life saver for us. I too stick to a schedule when he is gone. And I tell him that I love him and miss him often. Hang in there. Keep your spirits up. I have found that when he is gone for long runs I have to get out by myself. Just to go and walk the mall. I just need a breath of fresh air without the kids.

Hi C.,
I know how you are feeling. My husband travels quite a bit I have 3 children! 5 years, 3 years and 5 months! It is a real challenge. Not just caring for the children alone, but missing the adult interaction that you get when you have your mate at home every night. I find it lonely at night after the kids are in bed and I by myself. He travels often to Arizona and California, so with the time change it is hard for us to talk every day. In Feb he is leaving for Washington for 7 weeks straight. But I understand that a family has to do what they have to do to keep it together. Sometimes there is no alternative to the situation you are in so making the best of it is all you can do. The best thing that I did was join a gym that had childcare. I can go with the kids everyday if I want and they will watch them for up to two hours and its included in my membership. Not only have I met a lot of people, but the excersize makes me feel really good, which helps me cope. My kids also get a chance to play with some other kids and they really like that. Plus I get a little break and some time to myself, which helps me be a better mom.
Good luck to you and your family.