Husband's Biggest Regret: Not Making Olympic Team

You need to be more compassionate. No you can't fix it, but you can listen. You kinda lost me when you put it on the table to possibly bail over this. My husband played professional basketball in Europe while we were in our 20's. (not married at the time). In his late 20's he decided to stop because we were drifting apart. At times he regrets how things landed. Doesn't regret getting married but maybe wished I could have traveled with him. He's not bitter or anything just sometimes thinks - What If. So sometimes he needs to talk. Guess what . .. I listen. That's what a partner does. They are there for one another. - - - -

If I were his friend I would tell him this: Do not mention another word of this to your wife - EVER. She will not be there for you. She judges you and is just plain annoyed. Find a close friend or a therapist and work things out that way.

Wow. You seem very, very bitter about this. I doubt that you will like what I have to say.

Women complain on this site all the time about their husbands not opening up and talking about things that are bothering them. Your husband flat out tells you he wants to talk to you without being judged and your impulse is to tell him to leave?? You call him self centered because he wants to share with you what he is feeling? I don't get it.

So your mom was a great athlete who made the decision to quit. Great. Obviously he feels differently about what happened to him. Should he be living in the past so much? No. But come on, the Olympics just started two days ago! Cut him some slack!

It honestly sounds lke you are the one with deeper issues and self esteem problems, if you are getting this worked up about the fact that he wants to talk to you about something that's bothering him. Are you afraid that he thinks if he had lived his Olympic dream that you wouldn't be a part of his life now? I'm having a really hard time understanding why you are so upset about this. He's your husband.

I really don't understand how you couldn't be more sympathetic - I mean, jeez, he comes to you, tells you he wants to be able to talk about his feelings, not be judged, and you shoot him down. There are many things that many of us carry with us from our past - regrets, disappointments, things we wished we had done differently, or wondered what might have been. It doesn't make us lesser people, it makes us human. Your mother dropped out of competition of her own choosing - he, on the other hand, sounds like he was rejected and that can sometimes be a tough pill to swallow. Maybe his trying to always improve and excel is him wondering, deep down inside, if he is "good enough."

Maybe it's just the way you come across in this post, but you seem very cold, and almost hostile toward him because of how he is acting. If he is losing sleep over this and you don't feel he should be coming to you for support or talking to you about it, tell him he needs to see a counselor to try to work through his unresolved feelings. There are things that I, too, have limited sympathy for when it comes to my husband and his past and him whining about wrongs made against him by other people - he also could have made other choices and maybe his life would have turned out differently. But if he's at the point where he can't sleep over this and talks about it endlessly, maybe some counseling is in order for him - but also for you, since I would wonder why you seem so bitter and resentful over this.

All your husband asked for was that you listen and not judge him.
To me it sounds like you have other issues in your marriage (you say you feel neglected) that make that impossible for you, which is why you get so angry and emotional over his request. I do not really believe that his unfulfilled dream and desire to talk about it are at the root of all that anger.... that would be way out of proportion. Whatever else is going on, that is what you should address, possibly with the help of a counselor.

As for his unfulfilled dream: IMO you should count your blessings that he WANTS to talk to you. Many guys I know, including my own DH would be perfectly happy to barricade themselves in the basement or garage for 3 weeks, listen to sappy music and feeling sorry for themselves. Your DH wants to communicate his feelings to you. YAY for you!
Being a listener doesn't take much, you just sit down with him and listen. You don't have to give any commentary, no need to offer solutions. Just listen and acknowledge his feelings.
Good luck!

BTW: I am European with an American DH and there CERTAINLY is a cultural difference when it comes to this... especially when you get to be older (in your 30 and 40) a lot of men (again including my DH) seems to suffer from major regrets and midlife crisis... something I have not observed to that extent with my European friends. Those little cultural differences do trip up my marriage every now and then, even though they are subtle and probably not obvious to someone who isn't in that situation....

Hmmm.. As I read this, a few things come to mind. First, I thought that your husband must talk about this dream constantly and you are just over it. Re-hashing it does nothing. Because you do come across as angry. Then I wondered why he quit his sport...do you harbor guilty feelings? Or this possibly, his version of a midlife crisis.

My husband is an archer. In college, he was rather good, ranked nationally. He tried out for the Olympics (his senior year in high school, I think). He did rather well, but he did not make the team. During the last Summer Olympics he knew two archers on the team. Every "Olympic" time of year he reminisces. He picks up the bow a bit more and plays the "what if" game. He doesn't seem especially sad about it, but I think he wonders if he could have kept pushing and made the team and had that experience. I just listen patiently and tell him that he could always pick the sport back up at a competitive level if he wants. And he always assures me those days are gone. But if they weren't gone for him, I think I could support his endeavors. The difference is that my husband isn't up at night obsessing.

Whatever the source of your husbands feelings, they are what they are. If he could control them and move on, I imagine he would. Competitive athletes continual strive for more..they want to be better, stronger, faster than everyone else. When one goal is achieved, they often make another. Many people struggle with the disappointment when they don't meet their goals.

Your husband sounds very driven. It sounds like you have a love/hate relationship with his athletic skills and scientific achievements. On one hand you sound like you are very proud of him, but you also sound like you loathe the time those activities take. Instead of biting his head off, try a little compassion. In all reality, he will most likely never be an Olympian. He needs to find a way to be at peace with it all. If he does have self esteem issues, berating him will NOT help those. You can't "fix him". It may be time to address things with a therapist. But this will have to be approached with love and understanding. It's been 25 years, he has not moved on, you should not let his insecurities make you feel less than. This is really sad when you think about it. I think that alone would give me more patience with the issue. He wanted to talk today without judgement. He was reaching out. Look past your anger when this topic comes up and help him deal with his pain. Good luck.

Just listen, tell him you love him, and give him a hug. Sometimes that's all one needs.

I am on your side here. Your husband seems extremely self centered-to the point where it may be a personality disorder that should be discussed with a professional. My guess is that this is going to get worse as he gets older and the body naturally will not excel at athletics like it used to. Talk to him about counseling before this happens.

FWIWI I think many of the posters are way off the mark here and its a little surprising. Like to see how they would handle THEIR man crying about not making a sports team YEARS ago and to have it affect their lives in 2012 to this extent. Willing to bet they would not be as accepting as they want YOU to be.

i think this is less about you being understanding of his dreams, and more about him moving on. IT HAS BEEN 25 YEARS. one can only assume, if he is STILL having sleepless nights over this, i bet this isn't the first time he has mentioned it. and i bet you were pretty darn understanding the first hundred times.

tell him to talk to a therapist. really. you are NOT a zen master. absolutely agree with you. granted, "MY" dreams have always been a little more realistic - home, family, etc. and it's easier for me because i'm attaining them. maybe i'm being a B too. but i'm sorry. being an Olympian is a VERY - VERY - lofty goal. very few make it. he missed it. how many others are in the same boat? IT HAS BEEN 25 YEARS. did the posters below not catch that part? he's almost 50 years old for pete's sake! how many 50 year old are in the olympics (did i miss the event or did you not mention it..i'll have to go back and look)

oh. i see you mention "whatever sport he could make it in". really? so his passion isn't HIS sport, it's just "whatever" sport he could make it to the olympics in? please.

don't berate him or be snarky about it to him. but tell him nicely. honey, i can't help you with this. it has been 25 years (or however long you have been with him) and i still can't help you with it. it's not getting better. go talk to someone who CAN help. i don't want to see you miserable (wallowing) over this. you will be a lot happier if you deal with it.

help him get help.

but i am absolutely on your side. i would be feeling "not good enough" and like a "consolation prize" myself. he's got a family and a wonderful life. what he's doing is undermining it.

I'm guessing you've probably had this conversation with him many times. I would also guess that you have probably already tried really listening with a sympathetic ear, as most of us would for our spouses. If this happened 25 years ago, it seems safe to say that the subject has come up a few times and you probably really tried to be there for him the first 5 or 10 times he mentioned it. If that's the case, there probably isn't much more you can do. We all have something in our past that comes to the surface now and then that can really bum is out. That's normal! However, most of us also learn coping mechanisms that help us "shake it off" and get back to the joy of living.

If you've never really listened with a sympathetic ear, maybe it's time. Remember, this isn't about you trying to understand him. You can't. I mean, unless you have also tried to make the Olympic Team, you simply can't understand what he went through, the intense preparation, the emotional disappointment. Very few of us have any clue what that's like. That doesn't mean you can't listen to what he is saying and feeling.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been for over 20 years. I've only known him for 10 years. I have absolutely no clue what it's like for him. I do my part. There is no alcohol in the house. I read labels and never cook with anything containing alcohol (contrary to popular belief, the alcohol does not all cook away). I listen to his frustrations and support the things that he needs to do for himself - the projects that he has found helpful in relieving stress rather than drinking.

He can never have a drink again because, simply put, he would want just one drink. I don't get it at all! One drink (ok, maybe 2) would be plenty for me. After that I just want to drink lots of water and sleep. How can you want more than 1 or 2? And of course he would say, how can you want just 1?

Long story, sorry, but my point is, you can't understand. You just can't. You have to accept. You have to come to a point where you can accept that whether it makes sense to you or not, this is what he is feeling and this is what he is going through.

My Pastoral Counseling professor said one of the first rules in counseling is to always accept the fact that the person you are working with is doing the best they can with what they have.

I think you have to try and stop focusing on what it is that is upsetting him (as ridiculous as it may seem to you) and just focus on the fact that something is upsetting him and he needs you to listen and care.

You are not the therapist for him. You are feeling too neglected to have a healthy perspective for him. Kindly tell him this and suggest he would find a lot of solace in speaking with a therapist. Tell him that you are finding it hard to be objective enough to help him. It sounds like it would also be helpful for the 2 of you to get some relationship counseling before your resentments get any stronger and become too big to fix.

Stop comparing him to your mother. Everyone handles moving forward in their life differently.

I can relate to your difficulties. My husband was #5 boat for whitewater C2 and just missed going to the Olympics about 20 years ago. His C2 partner was more interested in designing courses than in training so my husband dropped him but didn't have another partner of the same caliber in our area. He and I started training seriously together and even petitioned to participate as a mixed C2 team in high level races but we were denied. Then we got involved in kayak polo. I made it on the the 1st US Women's Kayak Polo for the 1998 World Championships. My husband did not make the men's team because he was very sick during the trials weekend. It almost ruined our relationship because he felt bitter, disappointed, and betrayed by the coach. He expected me to drop out in protest, which I thought was a ridiculous request since I never would have asked him to do that if the roles were reversed. We found a GREAT relationship coach who helped us come to a deep understanding of each other's viewpoints. He ended up renewing his old interest in flying airplanes and went on to complete his instructor's certification. That gave him the sense of accomplishment for which he had been searching.

I just read your "so what happened" additions. This is a tough issue. I am like you, I like to be moving and looking forward. I rarely, if ever, have regrets about the past so it can be very hard for me to be sympathetic when someone gets stuck in an endless loop of regret. I think the best solution for you is create very clear boundaries (your therapist can help you) and to let your husband know very gently "this is a topic that is best discussed with your therapist". Make sure you are supporting him in a positive way with the things he is doing to move forward but don't get sucked into his whirlpool of regret. Good luck.

i can see both sides of this. on the one hand, he's not asking you to fix the situation, just to listen with compassion. and if you're not genuinely compassionate about it, this could be a tall order. no one likes to feel as if the person they're sharing something important is inwardly sighing and rolling their eyes. so active listening- not trying to fix it or explain it away or rationalize it, just listen intently, making an occasional mirroring comment so he knows he's being heard and understood- could be all he's seeking.
in which case you should suck it up and give it to him.
on the other hand, if you've tried to give him that repeatedly over the years and yet he still comes back around to wanting to yearn and rehash and yawp about it endlessly, i'd lose patience with it. i can only listen so long to people complain if they're not taking steps to resolve the issue. and it's really unlikely he can get back to any olympic team at this point in his life. being a great athlete, scientist, author and family man is pretty cool. if he's got a hole in his soul so great those things can't fill it, then he needs help. and support from you in FINDING that help (not providing it.)
i hope you're both able to find a solution to this. i don't think your deal is it, but the fact that you're even considering such a thing indicates how frustrated and upset you are.
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khairete
S.

I think if you are ready to toss everything away because your husband turned to you again to try and gain an understanding ear then there are much deeper issues going on here. Many people this age are starting to realize they are old, most likely they have lived at least half their life and to look back and have these issues is hard.

If he is a good husband and father why in the world would his regret about not pursuing his dreams years ago mean this much to you? I don't get that. If he was abusive or cruel, took all the money and went gambling, etc...those would be reasons to "temporarily terminate" his family from him.

BYW, if you do try to do this he can file an injunction against this action and get full rights to his children. You can get in trouble for taking his children away just as he could for taking them away from you.

Sounds like he does need someone to talk to. Perhaps he can hire someone, like a counselor. They often only work as a sounding board to help us figure out what we want and how to make changes in our lives. As we work through these issues we often find we have changed for the better. That's why when he goes you need to go along side him to help him and help yourself. While he is making these changes he will also come face to face with any issues he is feeling in your marriage and you'll want to be there for that so his goals will be both your goals.

I once told an old boyfriend who told me I needed to lose weight...that's why he's an old boyfriend...that if I did lose weight he could be pretty sure that he wouldn't like me when I was thinner because I wouldn't put up with his personality and would be able to do better than him.

Same here, if he works through these issues without you by his side he may find he has different goals and desires. It's always better to be there with them in therapy.

OK.. He's 46, soon 47.
He DIDN'T make the team 25 years ago, he's not going to make it 25 years later.
I suspect he knows this.
He just can't move past it.
It's over.
You know that.
I know that.

Oh--others need to note--you say you HAD a huge impulse to make him the offer to split....you didn't.

It would be difficult to live with a man with an old, unresolved regret impacting your daily lives. He's looking at his own mortality now. And it scares him.

He wants to talk. You likely can't help him come to terms. He needs to work with a counselor to resolve his regret over this issue.

ok well there's a difference between choosing to not go and not making the team. Your mom CHOSE not to even try to go. She didn't have the desire to go. He did.
Be a little sympathetic and it might go away.

Lot's of people don't make the team.
Mostly because they didn't make the cut (they weren't good enough).
A lot of them WERE trying their best, and their best was not as good as the next person.
Of the people that DO make the team - many of them go to the Olympics and lose - only a few win medals.
And of the few that win medals - they get some lucrative deals for a few years, they are on a Wheaties box for awhile, but their lives go on, their 15 or so min of fame are over and they fade gradually away.
What's Mark Spitz up to these days?
He DOES have a post swimming career.
Every single record he broke has been broken by someone else by now.
That your husband is having strong feelings about this 25 yrs later - well, it's a little obsessive, but more likely it's part of a mid life crisis thing (pretty typical at 47) - and we ALL get those feelings at some point.
What if I did this instead of that? Is this all there is? What about that road not taken?
You, on the other hand, feel he's working constantly on his athletic performance and it's made you feel marginalized - he's made something else the center of his life and it's not you or the family.
I can see how that has made you feel mad and like he's not there for you.
You almost HAVE to make him not the center of your life because you and the kids are so far down on his list of priorities that you are considering separating over this.
Some family/marriage counseling might help.

Haven't read the other responses, but I suggest you do listen and MIRROR HIS EMOTIONS (it works for adults, too) and at another time, suggest that he start finding some other way to achieve an athletic dream.

There are other major athletic accomplishments older people can achieve, and it's time he start pursuing one.

Haven't read your answers. Good question. Is it possible that his lack of self esteem is linked to a disappointed parent of his? Perhaps his Mother or Father made him feel inadequate for not making the Olympic team? His constantly striving to improve his athletic and scientific performances is his trying to "please" his parents and get their approval - alive or deceased as they may be? Just a thought.

To answer your question - I might listen carefully to his feelings on this. I'd also make sure that I expressed to him that I love him unconditionally and not because of his abilities.

Perhaps try to put this in perspective for him. Very few people actually make it to the team and very few people actually win. Remind him of all of his accomplishments. If he had taken the time to train, his life would have turned out differently. He may not have married, maybe would have not had the same career.

We all have regrets, but in the end, our lives turned out pretty good.
I think the best thing you can do is build up his self esteem by focusing on all the good he has done and what he has accomplished.

You can't be everything for your husband just like we women can't expect our men to meet all of our needs. Don't beat yourself up for it or let others beat you up. We all need friends, family and maybe therapists to help us through the ups and downs of life. Sometimes the best thing to do is to realize our limitations and point our loved ones to someone who can help with a specific problem. Then we can focus our energy on being the best friend/partner that we are able to be.

Well the key is to have empathy towards him. He really really wants you to relate to him. But for some reason, your heart is cold and bored whenever he talks abou the Olympics. He is growing older and I guess maybe going through his mid life crisis. He is probably thinking of life getting shorter and he is getting older and all the what ifs in his life that he never saw through. I can totally relate to him in some ways. I am now 34 but when I was a teenager my goal in life as to become a model. I was accepted into a top name modeling agency, only to become pregnant and lose my way in life. I could have been somebody. And maybe that is how he feels. He really wanted to accomplish this in his life, but instead he chose a different path.
It is not an uncommon thing to look at your life and wonder Is this all?! Is this it?! What if I would have done this or that?! Maybe he needs to lay his head in your lap and pretend you are his counselor while you rub his head for a while. Just listen, be open to what he has to say. He obviously wants to talk. What if you wanted to talk and he turned you away? How would you feel?
I can not imagine how heartbreaking it must be for his own wife to just shut her ears. Have more compassion. Be more understanding.

perhaps you could think of his not making the team as a loss...like a death in the family. It was the loss of a dream for him. The olympics are here again - and so, like any loss, on the anniversary of the loss, feelings that perhaps have been managable come to the surface and he feels the loss again very acutely. It sounds like the experience of your mom has made it more difficult for you to relate to hubby's experience - but your mom didn't experience it as a loss, rather as a choice. And as you said, she was at peace with it, which obviously, your hubby isn't.

See if thinking of his experience like a death perhaps makes it easier for you to open your heart. I imagine that if your hubby came to you and said - my grandfather died and I am thinking of him and feeling sad about him and I want to talk about him - I imagine that you would open your heart and have compassion for him and for his loss.

Find out more about this dream - was it his? Was his family on board? Pushy about it? What did they envision would happen when he made the team? See if you can get really curious about this dream and what it would have meant to him. Sometimes getting really curious about HIM can open your heart.

Anyway - sorry this is so long - I hope it helps.
(I am a life coach, and one of the things I help people do is try on different perspctives and open up their way of thinking). Feel free to send me an e-mail if you want to talk more).
Good luck!