My daughters are both very serious athletes and have dedicated their lives to their sport. This was never pushed, it happened organically as they both have always loved the sport. 4 years ago we made the decision to pull my oldest daughter out of school and home school her instead. It was her coaches idea but my daughter made the final decision and we supported her. Two years ago when my younger daughter got to that same point and made the same choice to homeschool we supported her. They both train 30+ hours a week with my 15 year old constantly hitting the 40 hours a week mark.
My family hates this. My mother tries to bribe the girls to quit gymnastics every time she sees them, they stopped coming to meets and supporting the girls years ago. My girls say it doesn't bother them but it does, I can see it.
We have as a family been discussing moving to a different part of the state so my younger daughter can focus on going elite. There is only one gym in AZ with an elite program and while my oldest has never cared about going Elite my younger daughter really has the drive to try and make it. At thanksgiving my 12 year old decided to announce we might move so she can try to go the 2020 Olympics. My family has had nothing but mean things to say. They told her that it was unrealistic and silly and that she was throwing her childhood away. I watched my twelve year old start crying at the dinner table. Yesterday and today I was bombarded with phone calls from my mother and siblings about how I was ruining my kids lives and that one day they would write a book about how I torture them.
My daughter knows there are no promises in her sport. She watched her older sister tear her ACL at the same age she is now and has watched her sister fight to come back at all. We are currently just talking about making the move and have said as a family we will make a final choice christmas day. I just don't know what to say to my family. I mostly just nod and let them yell at me, but now they are saying these things to my kids. I don't want to cut the ties with my family, they are a huge thing keeping me here but I feel forced too.
Geez...if a kid can't get her dream supported by her own family, from whom can she get support?
Agree this is a huge decision, but also agree you need to draw some lines in the sand with these family members! Yesterday!
Wow well as someone who would not want my children to go this route - I will say that I'm horrified at your family's reaction ( just to clarify the reason I say this is because we do not have college and retirement fully funded and I know this type of training is expensive). I think it is wonderful that you support their dreams and dedication. They do learn tremendous dedication and self discipline from this level of athletic commitment.
Is your questions what to say to your family? I would advise that your practice having a firm but loving conversation with your family. Something along the lines of "you've made it very clear that you disagree with our family's choices, you have been heard and for you to continue these comments time after time is hurtful and disrespectful" you can come up with something better then that but I would set a clear boundry around it.
I certainly wouldn't stay in your area to be close to family situation such as you described. Sounds toxic to me.
I wouldn't choose that type of life for my children either, primarily because of the fallout after the era of the sport is over. At some point they will not be gymnasts anymore, and after they are finished with this sport another life awaits (careers, college, relationships, etc.) I used to have students on the cusp of 'retiring' from competing in their sport in my classes when I was a professor, and it was painful to watch them go through the realization that they would no longer self-identify with that sport.
But your family behaved atrociously. I can't believe they would be so openly judgmental and accusatory towards you.
You are saying "we" so I am guessing your husband was there as well? My husband and I both would not tolerate any family member making our children cry, especially over decision we made as a family for the the good of our family. Did either of you stand up for her at the time your family declared her aspirations "unrealistic and silly"?
If what you are saying is true and they are demeaning you and your children at every chance, then clearly moving away from your family should not be a factor in this decision.
Tell your daughter that I say, the only guaranteed failure is never having tried. I wish her all the luck in the world in following her dreams! Most people do not have the balls to truly follow their dreams. I think it is amazing you are so supportive of your daughters. Give your parents a talking to...let them have it! They made her cry, for pete's sake. I realize what your family is doing is non-traditional, but you are not ruining their lives. Do encourage them to have a "plan B" in case this does not work out. (PS - You sound way too passive when you say you just nod and let them yell at you. Please start saying what you are thinking to them).
It sounds like it is past time to draw some firm boundaries with your family. You need to speak up and make it clear that they either keep their mouths shut or you and your household are done with them. No more nasty family meals, no holiday gatherings, no anything.
Kids with goals...what's the problem? I would have likely drawn the line at a comment at the dinner table and sending my child into tears.
Our little one has a dream too. No one knows what the future holds for them and they will never know unless they try.
I say you support them and ask your family to not say anything at all, if it doesn't support their dream.
They need to be completely supportive or you need to cut them from your life.
My family was like this and as I near my 60th b-day in a few weeks, I realize I was so busy pleasing them I never pleased myself. Life is too short to not go for what you want. Do it and tell them to be supportive or shut-up. If you have to change your phone number.
I'd say go for it but please do visit the gym several times first. Then you can see if it's a fit for your parenting style and if they work well with your kids.
I've seen kids switch places to "better" themselves and they come back hanging their head in their hands because the new place had coaches that weren't nice, never gave praise, kept the kids working on stuff they already knew and they stopped progressing, and more. You want to make sure it's a good fit before you sell everything and move.
But in all reality, please consider that you could move anywhere there's a gym that you can use. You don't have to stay in state.
Our gym team used to compete but the couple that own it are getting older. They just don't want the hassle any more. I feel that my girl would enjoy competing every now and then, not every weekend of course but a few times to have the experience of a meet. Seeing top quality kids her age that can do amazing things.
Her own coach tore his rotator cuff in his shoulder and he's never come back fully. The team kids are stuck on the skills they could do last year. She had gone as much as 6 hours per week because she loves it. She used to be able to do aerials and 2 person cartwheels and more but has lost those skills. I love this place and won't change her to another facility. This is for fun and not for an Olympic path.
I can truly say though, if that family member had said that in front of me and made my girl cry I'd have lit into them for hurting her and no one would have any doubts about how I felt about it. They'd never dare to speak like that to my girl ever again.
My bestie has 2 girls competing, one of whom is on the cusp of the very same decision: Elite or no? She's exceptional and not being challenged at her current gym in the way she ought to be. I get it.
The thing with gymnastics is that it's not like most other sports. It's a way of life. Being at they gym every night, going to practice, meets, competition. It's not a 2 or 3 hour game once a week. It's the whole weekend watching the girls compete. It's hard work, dedication, aches, tears, laughter and grins. And unless you're the ones who are closest to the girls who WANT to do it, you don't get it.
Don't let them yell at you. Tell them: This is what the girls want to do. What they are great at. I'm going to support that and be there, whether they end up at the olympics, or whether they end up not doing gymnastics at all.
If your family decides that the move is what is best for everyone involved...do it. And do it with pride. Good luck to all of you. Gymnastics is truly a family commitment.
Your husband is willing to give up his job? Or are you and your daughter the only ones that would move. I would make many visits to the gym, watch the coaches You may uproot your family if you are all going, to find out the coaches are not what you wanted.
I would take daughter, rent an apartment and see how it goes. If it is not what you wanted, pack up and go home. If you move whole family and it doesn't work, what then.
Think long and hard. This is a major decision.
"We were family before I had children. We were family before those children became involved in their chosen sport. And we'll be family long, long after the girls have finished whatever journey their sport has in store for them, however short or long that journey may be. You are putting your criticism of our choices ahead of the fact we are your family. If you can't stay off the topic of the girls' gymnastics entirely, then maybe it's best for us all if we do move out of the area and see each other less often, so that when we DO see each other, you can appreciate the girls more. I am not asking you to appreciate their sport. I am talking about appreciating them as individuals and, if you cannot support their interest, at least staying off the topic."
Period.
I would not move until you have done a lot of "due diligence" on the elite program, its coaches, other opportunities in that area (because you and your husband and kids do need something to do and get involved in outside the elite gym, especially if the move is all about the younger daughter and the older one might need to find friends etc. outside the gym). But it's your choice and your family sounds like they are not just unsupportive -- they are actively undermining you (grandma really tries to bribe the girls not to do their sport? Seriously? Wow.).
The issue is not the sport. The issue is not your family's intense focus on making the girls' ambitions come true (something that people could indeed argue with, but shouldn't, since they're not you). The issue is your family's lack of boundaries. If someone had taken you aside and said kindly, "I really want to talk and hear what you're thinking about this move. I know kids get injured or don't make the cut and I am worried the girls might not advance and be crushed. Can we talk?" -- that would be different, if they could express concern and then listen to you. But it sounds like they've never attempted that, right?
It might be good to see less of them in any case, or if you stay in your current location, to see them only on your turf and your terms -- always turn the conversation away from gymnastics, and have things for the girls to be doing with relatives (playing a game, helping fix a meal, whatever) so there's not much space for chat to turn back to "You should give up your sport." It's sad if the girls can't talk about their main activity with their relatives but it may simply be your reality that they cannot do that.
Meanwhile, please, don't ever say to the relatives, "Why don't you ever come and see them in a meet?" because that boat sailed long ago.
I wonder: Do your mom and siblings have a lifelong pattern of telling you how to run your own life? Did this sort of thing go on before you married and had kids? Were they always critical of your choices and did they always lack boundaries? This kind of dynamic doesn't come out of the blue. Think about whether this is actually part of a larger, longer pattern between you and them, and it's just been transferred to your choices about the girls. Then be sure you don't repeat any part you've played in the past -- don't ask for their support in a futile hope you'll somehow turn them around, or don't try to explain things to them, if those are things you've tried to do about other topics in the past....
You said you're wanting to move to a different part of AZ? Then what's the big deal? You won't be that far from family. It's not like you're moving to New York or something. Do what is best for your husband and kids and don't let the others bother you. Tell them flat out if they can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. If they can't do that, then get up and leave or hang up on them. It's really as simple as that. Good luck!
Stop nodding and letting them yell at you. If they act this way, leave, immediately. You have been given some good scripts below.
Tell your daughter her dreams are not unrealistic or unattainable, and continue doing what your family wants to do.
One of the things I used when I learned how to stop people from dumping on me was Dr. Phil's quote: You teach people how to treat you. Stop accepting their rudeness, and they will be forced to stop dumping it on you.
Good luck to your daughter. What an amazing dream!
