Husband Threatens to Get Separated Bank Accounts

I actually LIKED having my own account when I was married, and I was a stay at home mom! That way whatever bills I was responsible for using "my" money I took care of, and my husband took care of the rest. We fought about stuff but never the bills.
Next time he says that just smile and say okay honey, I'll go ahead and set up my own account and you do the same.
Problem solved.

People give me a side eye when I say my husband and I have separate accounts
But In 16 years of marriage we have never had one fight about money. I trust him and he trusts me.

Updated

People give me a side eye when I say my husband and I have separate accounts
But In 16 years of marriage we have never had one fight about money. I trust him and he trusts me.

Because he is using this as a stick to beat you over the head with, this is actually one of the times where having separate accounts can be a good thing. You have yours, he has his, and you keep the joint one too. To the joint account, you each contribute a preset amount each payday, based on the shared bills and household expenses, prorated to suit individual income levels. You may need to see a professional to help you sort out the details without arguing.

Fights about money or that use money as a threat are the top cause of divorce, so this is something that needs to be solved. You marriage is in more trouble than you realize. This *one* thing is enough to destroy it on it's own, but if you're having frequent enough arguments that his threat has become a habit, it means there are other negative things going on in your marriage. Couples in healthy relationships can disagree about things without it becoming an angry argument. You two need to see a counselor and learn how to do that.

he sounds immature. this may be fixable, but only if he's willing to work on it.

and it's possible you've got contributory issues too, that don't show up in this post.

the obvious (and best) answer is to sit down with a good professional who can help you both develop better communication techniques. if you're both resorting to the same groove every time you argue, you're both just getting more and more entrenched in your POV and not hearing each other.

one way to handle it would be to say 'fine, let's do it.' have him pay for the lion's share of the household bills since he's the higher earner, and you pay for an agreed-upon amount of the bills. but i don't think this will solve your underlying problem of how to communicate (and argue) with clarity and resolution.

everything's really NOT fine. you're becoming more frustrated and distant, and you're not moving forward together as a couple. it's time to find out how committed you both are to making this relationship work.

get help for it the same way you would if one of you had a chronic health issue.
khairete
S.

I agree. You need to see a marriage counselor.
That said, next time he throws that out, say “OK, let’s go do that right now.” And then go do it. He will back pedal. Then you say, “Since this seems to come up whenever we argue, let’s get this out of the equation so we can focus on whatever our issues really are.” Then offer to sit down with him whenever you do bills to make sure you know where every penny is going. Since money seems to be important to him, you need to be involved. If one spouse is a spender and the other is a saver, a budget and checks and balances for both are definitely in order.

I am s SAHM and I work very part time. Our “real” money is all in joint accounts. I hand over my paycheck to my spouse to deposit into our savings account - willingly, I might add. I have a small checking account that I use for depositing rebate checks and birthday money. I use it for gifts or lunch out with my friends. Money is not something we fight about, but we’ve been married 28 years and figured all of that out a long time ago.

I think I'd take issue with the statement that "everything is going fine with us" because, clearly, it's not. I don't know if your husband is a bully but he does sound immature and not really able to work toward a joint resolution. While many couples have some separated bank accounts (my husband and I do), most have a primary joint account that covers the mortgage, the car payments/maintenance, the utilities, the vacations, the medical bills and so on. The separate accounts are for discretionary spending and almost never are based on each person's entire salary going into it.

It seems to me that you two don't know how to argue effectively without it getting nasty. There is a way to "fight fair" and you two need to be taught how to do that. So marriage counseling is in order.

Sometimes it's worth finding out if one party is hiding anything financially and that's why they want a separate account. So if you think that's a factor, bring that into the counseling sessions. Maybe it's not - maybe you two just don't argue effectively and it gets too personal. If you argue to hurt the other rather than to understand the other, it's a big red flag.

If all you're doing is working and sleeping, you're missing out on a lot of joys. I think you should also work with a counselor to figure out your goals, individually and together.

M.

Welcome to mamapedia.

You're husband isn't a bully. He's just immature. It's like throwing out "divorce" when things get tough.

You REALLY need a counselor. Your MARRIAGE needs a counselor. This isn't about money, it's about CONTROL.

I've never had a joint account with my hubby and we've been married for 34 yrs. I have bills I am responsible for and he has bills he's responsible for. Any money left over is ours to spemd or sock away.

In your case I'd probably sit down and figure out the household bills including food, utilities, insurance, etc. Then figure out what percentage of money each of you bring into the household. If he earns 75% of the money and you earn 25 then he would fund a household account 75%. That account is funded each pay check and then both of you are free to have your own account.

Personally I think you will be better off having an account for yourself because your hubby sounds like a jerk.

I have to tell you, I will be really surprised if you two don't end up divorced at some point. He will try to starve you out and you will wish that you had never married him.

He is really telling you during these heated arguments what he is going to do to you when he gets angry. How many times does he have to tell you this before you realize what is coming down the pike?

You need to talk to a divorce attorney and find out exactly what you need to be doing to prepare for the time he really does. You cannot trust him, M..

Can you try talking to him when you aren't in foul moods with each other and just ask him calmly if he's uncomfortable combining your incomes into one account? Ask if you can talk about it, reasonably and respectfully, so you can better understand each other and figure out what works best for the two of you. I know some couples do keep separate accounts, and that works for them. It's not personally how I would want to do things in a marriage, but people differ. If your vision and his aren't in sync for how you manage your incomes and expenses, it will stress your marriage. Then you have to decide what you can compromise on, and what's too far away from your value system to be able to make your marriage work. I wonder if he's resentful because he makes more money than you. And that resentment leads to snide comments. I would not be happy if I were in that position. If you're arguing frequently, suggest you see a marriage counselor. If he balks, go by yourself. It's helpful in gaining insight.

Well, I would start the New Year off with my own account! Go to the bank and open one. This isn't about a bank account, its about control. So take that threat away. I will guarantee you he will find something else to complain and try to control you.

I have been married for 31 years. We have always had a joint account. We are a team. Its our money. Not mine or his. I laugh and say I'm the CEO and he's the CFO. =)

Equal skin in the game.

Since you are stuck on this one thing I definitely think you should do marriage counseling and focus on this issues. It sounds like your husband is immature. Good luck.

I have a friend whose husband would throw out the divorce threat (as in "Maybe we should get divorced then") when they would fight.

I don't know if your husband is immature or controlling in the making. Sounds like you don't either. To me it's a threat any way you look at it. You can do the separate accounts and just be done with it but that doesn't solve the underlying issue that he gets upset and doesn't know how to communicate with you.

You need to show him how to treat you (boundaries and clear communication on your part - be firm). Counseling (either just you or marriage, or both) may be required. It might not take a lot - but that's what I would suggest. Nip it in the bud though - good you're addressing it now. Hopefully - if he's willing to address how he deals with frustration and to change - then your marriage will be even stronger. Best to you.

If I were you I would just open my own account so he could no longer threaten me with it. I would have a sit down with him and tell him you want separate accounts and that the two of you need to figure out how much each will pay into a joint account for the bills.

For heavens sakes, GET A SEPARATE ACCOUNT!

He doesn't need to "put his money where his mouth is", you can do it for him. All of your money in a separate account - start this week.

See what fighting stance he switches to after that!

I haven't had this happen to me. My husband has been the sole financial provider for the last 15 years. All money is our money and is put into our joint accounts. It sounds like this is your husbands way of threatening to divorce you. Given you fall more out of love with him every time he says this I’m afraid this is where you are heading unless things change.

How often are you arguing? I honestly can’t remember the last argument I had with my husband.

Go open your own accounts, goodness! Take away the threat. Put your own money in your own accounts and save it. Live on his income, then if he does cut you off of him income you'll have your own money to fall back on. If you do put any money into a joint account then I'd say you need to access that account online quite often and see where it's being spent. Just to make sure the bills are being paid out of it.

My husband and I have never had a joint credit card, joint account, joint savings, nothing. When he and I were at our wedding my bff made a comment to my mother in law, "She'll never have to worry about bills again"-meaning that my husband was a good guy that worked hard and would be a good provider, my mother in law told my husband that my friend said I was a golddigger and he shouldn't put me on his accounts. I was working and didn't really have any bills to pay so I kept my own money. He pays every bill, I don't pay for anything in that way. What I do spend money on is food and things that "I" like. When we go someplace it's usually me that provides the eating out and stuff too.

I'd also say he thinks he's superior to you and that you don't matter.

I find it strange that any argument between you two ends in this manner, despite it not even being the topic of conversation. Seems he is resenting something when it comes to money. Despite you saying you barely spend money, it seems he doesn't agree with that, or he feels like you're not pulling enough of your own weight. Counseling may be a good idea to figure out what it is that is truly upsetting him and making him resentful about your joint expenditures, or if it's just the only thing he could think of saying at that time that would stop you dead in your tracks. It will help you get to the bottom of your other arguments, and how it affects you emotionally to the point you're feeling resentment, and not love, toward him. It might even help you stop arguing so often, or find techniques where you both are able to pull apart during an argument to cool down rather than saying hurtful things that will only endanger your marriage.

I have insisted on separate accounts for years.
When my identity was stolen, if we hadn't had separate accounts, we would have been royally screwed. As it was, we were able to pay bills and buy groceries out of my husband's account while mine was frozen.