My husband helped out a charter fishing boat all summer (did not get paid - only tips). He did this for the fun of fishing. However, this involved every weekend during the summer and he would be gone most of the day (early am until 8/9 pm at night). I tolerated this last summer, but now that the fishing boat captain recently called him and asked him if he would be available next summer, I'm getting cold feet. We have an 8 year old son and between his long work hours during the week and sports (soccer/tball), I feel like weekends should be for family weekend time (I work full-time as well). Any suggestions? I don't want to keep him from his hobby, but I also want to make sure we have enough quality family time.
When he first broached the topic, I said absolutely not. He makes a good enough income that the tips basically just cover gas and parking at the dock. I'd be ok with a weekend here and there, but not every weekend. There's so much I want to do on the weekends as a family - farmer's market, street festivals, see family, etc. Thank you for all of the suggestions. I greatly appreciate it.
Tyler loves to fish. I would not be happy if he was gone all day every weekend. I would ask that he do once a month or every other. I'd ask him to take the boys too.
I think it's reasonable to talk with him, and find a compromise that works for you both. My DH loves to golf. Loves it. Our compromise is that he can play every weekend BUT he has to get the earliest available tee time so that he's home shortly after lunch. So he gets to golf and we can also do family stuff.
Your compromise will be different (it's not like you can leave a boat at noon if you're out on the water). Maybe he helps Saturday but not Sunday. Maybe he goes every other weekend. Maybe you all pick a different day of the week for family time (eg, he sets up his work schedule to come home by 2PM every Wednesday for family time). Be creative. But the important thing is to find something that doesn't leave either of you feeling resentful of the other.
Well, of course the captain would love 2 days a week of free help. The question is, why does your husband want to do this in lieu of being with you and your son? Your husband just wants you to be the full time single parent? What's the message he wants to give your son? "Just do what you want, son, and the womenfolk will pick up all the slack. When you're older, you too can abandon your family for fun on the open seas." Is he doing sports for himself (soccer) or is he doing them with your son or coaching (t-ball)? Some of that is fine - but then there has to be give and take.
You need to have a discussion (or several) with your husband, not so much about whether you'll permit it, but about what his hopes/dreams/plans are for your family. He's working long hours - for pay? Because he feels he needs to have fun (even if you don't)? Because he has a dream of life on the open water? Because he likes being unplugged from phone/TV/computer (a great goal - how can it be achieved in another way)? Because he has some altruistic idea of helping out the overworked and underpaid fishing crews (admirable but not at the expense of his family)? Because he really hates the whole idea of routine family life? Then that's a problem!
On your end, you could analyze how you approach this with him. But also, what do you do for YOU? Do you need (and do you take) a break and do stuff for just you? Have you ever had a weekend away, to visit friends/family, go to a hotel, camp out, hit the beach or the casino or whatever you enjoy? If not, why not? I'd start with communication with your husband, but if you can't make your point, then schedule a couple of long weekends away and have him be in charge. Of everything. That means no writing out the schedule, no cooking all the meals in advance or making sure the laundry is done, etc. That means letting him manage alone as a single, competent parent, just as he expects you do to all summer. Sometimes walking a mile in the other person's shoes is far more powerful than a cry fest or a lecture or even a civil discussion. I highly recommend it. It's good for you, good for your husband, good for your son.
I don't think you're being unreasonable either - it sounds like overkill. You're basically a single mom all summer this way. I think you should definitely talk to him about it. Especially since it's not a paid position! They're taking advantage of him. Although I know that's not the issue here. But something that kept my husband away from us that much had better be a paid position, and paid well, imo.
Anyway, you don't mention whether you have voiced your concerns with hubby, or if so how it went. Just my .02, I think that any rational human being (read: good husband) should have no problem compromising on this. Hopefully he felt a little guilty last summer and it won't be an issue. Compromise is the name of the game. It's great that he loves to fish- but it's unreasonable that his hobby should take him away from his family that much. Figure out what YOU are comfortable with, then sit down with him for a talk. I'm sure the two of you can figure something out. Good luck!
I would simply ask him, calmly and not in an accusatory way of course, if he would mind you being gone all weekend next summer, pursuing your pleasures and hobbies with very little pay, until 8 or 9 at night?
I'll bet he wouldn't even consider it.
In fact he would likely say you're crazy, and that's selfish, and sadly you'd probably agree, because "good" moms and wives always put family first, right?
What about "good" husbands and fathers?
I'm all for compromise but really, when women continually put their kids/husbands needs before their own it never ends well in the long run.
This isn't the 1950's, today's man should be a PARTNER both in marriage and parenting, ESPECIALLY when the wife is working full time!
Trust me, I know, I learned the hard way :-(
Why don't you come to an agreement that doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe he works Saturdays but not Sundays. Or maybe he does both days every other weekend, and neither day on the weekends between. It would be really great if you can find a compromise that allows him to enjoy his hobby and for you to get the quality family time you need.
I think he needs his hobby but I also think you don't need to be a single parent without the benefits of being single...
I'd ask him to consider having 2 family nights per week where the phones are turned off from 5pm - 9pm and the family that lives in your house does something together. It can be movie night with popcorn and cushions and blankets on the floor or going to an exhibit at a museum to playing games. It can be free or costly depending on your budget and what you want to get out of it.
So, you have to decide what you want to do. I'd let him go but I'd make him make time for you and your child.
You two also need a date night without kiddo. Get a babysitter and go out. My husband and I might eat then go for a walk or go to a flea market or to a speakers presentation. Anything that we enjoy as a couple. It can be free.
I would ask my husband if he was okay with my being gone, unpaid, for 12 hours EVERY weekend over the summer. If the answer is NO? Then there is a compromise that must be met - I would suggest EVERY OTHER weekend.
If he can't do that? I'd be a tad pissed and remind him his FAMILY comes first. I get the hobby and get the enjoying it - but he has a SON to raise as well. Heck - if he wants to arrange it to take son with one of the days? I'd be okay with that. It would be GREAT father-son time.
Can you compromise? Since it is not a paid position, perhaps he could negotiate alternate weekends, or two weekends on, two off, or something of that nature? I'd be unhappy with my husband doing that every weekend all summer, personally, and I totally get it. But, it sounds like you wouldn't mind it if it just weren't EVERY weekend. Or maybe the tips contribute to your household enough that it's tough to say no altogether?
But surely he could at least offer a compromise so that he is around on the weekends some when your son is still young. A hobby shouldn't consume every available moment and make him unavailable for the rest of the family every weekend. If it were a hobby that the entire family participated in, then it would make more sense... but this is time not shared with the family at all. So, since it is a hobby (your description) and not a necessary job (income source), then participating in it should be done in such a way that there is still family time, too.
my hubby would love to go fishing every weekend! and he tries to drag the rest of us too (a 3 and a 5 yr old on a boat for several hours is always a disaster)
i would work out a plan of every other week or 1x a month. so you get him and he gets to fish.
Compromise! If he won't then you have more trouble then you think! Good luck.
He can still enjoy his hobby, he just needs to find a way to include his son so he is spending quality time with him, and also he needs to know that maybe one or two weekend a month is enough for fishing and the others should be spent doing something the entire family can enjoy. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Sounds like a friend of mine whose husband didn't even get tips. She was a fishing widow. Husband number 2 doesn't do that...
That's WAY TOO much time away from home. Work full-time and then gone all weekend every weekend? No way. On so many levels. That's the bummer about being an adult and having a family: You don't just get to go do whatever you want all the time anymore. I'm also guessing he would not let you do this every weekend and you would not dream of asking to.
