Husband Issues - Minneapolis,MN

You can only tell him how you feel. If you love him and he loves you, then this shoudl be something you should be able to work out. I suggest going to al anon. It helped me in 2 instances in my life- and both times made the decision to leave the situation I was living in. They offer great support to families of alcoholics- the kids too

My mother always told me: Never stay married to an alcoholic or a physically abusive man. You seem to have gotten a lot of good advice. Be careful and find a supposrt system.

(((((Hugs)))))

Please find an Alanon meeting before you make any life-changing decisions. I have been attending for the past 8 months and it has CHANGED my life--meaning I have changed! There is nothing you can do about his drinking--but there is a lot you can do to learn how to live with an alcoholic and be a healthy person for you and your children. I think attending Alanon will help you in your decision process whether to stay or go....blessings on your road. Please email me if you need more info!

C. M

Are you sure your ready to leave your husband? Have you attended Alanon meetings? The meetings may help you to make a decission.

Ditto my DH.

One of the best things I ever did was to talk to an attorney. It was a flat fee consultation, and lasted about 3 hours. We went through all of our assets/ debts/ finances.... and figured out what the best, probable, and worst case scenarios were. Also figured out money saving things (like how to organize papers so that she wouldn't have to bill for the time, research, etc), mediators vs court appearances, custody... the whole shebang. It was utterly and completely empowering to get the whole process laid out in black and white... because I could actually PLAN. Do the "okay, how do I work with/around THIS?" while not being in the drama & stress of actually being in the middle of a divorce with my head and my heart twisted 6 ways from sunday. ESPECIALLY (for me, at least) having the 3 different scenarios laid out (best, probable, and worst) so I could really wrap my head around the whole process.

My DH DID quit drinking last year... but he still has major anger management issues plus (even though he'd been sober when I met him for over 8 years)... newcomer stuff... which is a PITA.

But because of the consultation I know exactly how the "formula" would split our assets... and I know that if I reach my limit... exactly how much to expect in minimal aid. I know that I would get the house, and that I would either need to lease or sell it (because I couldn't afford the payments on my own, even with aid), I know x,y,z.

I'm still on the fence. We'll see what happens. But I'm not scared any more. I know I can do it... because I've actually had the time and space and knowledge that lets me plan how.

I should add... I didn't tell my DH I went to the attorney... I went in secret, for ME.

Alanon ASAP! You will be able to make a more informed decision regarding your next move once you clearly see what is going on--enabling, manipulating, deceit, etc.... Good luck!

p.s. Don't give up on your husband. Many people need more than O. chance for sobriety. "Treatment" needs to be followed with lifelong recovery. He needs to be ready. Good luck and God Bless.

Be strong.
You can do this.
I think that you are very brave and smart.

By you leaving, you are setting a great example for the
kids. They will thank you later.
Your husband needs to understand that this needs to stop once and for all.

This will be a long hard road but it will be worth it.

You will be fine. You can do his.

Al-Anon helped me a ton!!! Find at least 3-6 different meetings to attend...some you will "click" with some you will not. I was with my alcoholic for 12 years!! I never knew my life could be sooooo wonderful once I figured out what was making it so miserable. I do not want to tell you what to do b/c that is your decision. Al-Anon will not tell you what to do either. It will help you realize that there are many other people in your shoes. It will help you find happiness! Hang in there!

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Gosh M., I hear what you are saying , but, we are getting ready to drop into a time of depression that was worse than the 30's. Unemployment is NOT getting better, things are getting worse. The media is MASKING it with false data. There is a food shortage that is encompasing the world. right now. America will feel it by next year if not earlier. There are already food riots all over the world. We have had three years of weird weather, with the northern hemisphere (and parts of the us)extremely cold and wet, even into summer and fall, and the southern hemisphere in extreme drought. Type in food shortage 2010 and you will see what i mean. Read the data. It is headed our way. The world is thinking they will just borrow grain reserves from us. Guess what, we dont have any. Last year our government called emergency situations on a huge percentage of our farming states, because of crop faulre due to snow and flood. Food prices will necessarily skyrocket, along with the energy costs that obama promised us in his speech will "necessarily skyrocket". If you are having trouble being able to make it financially now, how are you going to make it next year, or the worse years coming after that? Just something to think about.
Maybe you could move out for a month and stay with your mom , and get him to step up if he thinks you are serious.
I would think hard about how the divorce might move you into poverty.

Being a recovering alcoholic myself I have to say that it definitely a day to day battle in the beginning and you can have several set backs before you finally suceed. You might want to consider contacting your local al-alon group that will help you in dealing with your husband situtation. If you can not give him the support that he needs during this time then you must look our for yourself and your children. If you really want to leave I am sure that you can make it with what you make and any child support that you may get from your husband. While it may not be the lifestyle that you are used to, if you truely want to make a change you will find away with the help of clergy, family and friends. Good Luck to you!

My stepfather is a recovering alcoholic. My mom made sure to have a plan in place should she have to ask him to leave our home. She also attended Alanon meetings. They helped her to be able to talk about her feelings about my stepdads alcoholism and gave her the strength to tell him that he couldn't live in our home unless he got himself sober.

If you are afraid of leaving him because of his reaction, I think that says you should. Be careful. I would make sure that you have averything in order before you do. Have everything like birth certificates, social security cards, money, kids stuff, etc. Hopefully you should get money from him for child support and depending how long you were married perhaps even maintainance.

I grew up in a family of substance abusers. I learned long ago that they are a group of people I can not count on to keep promises and be there when I need them. You children are young yet and their ideas are still being formed. It will be impossible to shelter them from the array of disappointments that will fill their days as time goes on. However if you do decide to leave him and go on with your life and take care of your children you will show them that Mom can be counted on. As far as the financial situation goes your husband will be forced to pay child support and that will help you meet expenses. You can make it in life on your own. If your husband continues to fall off the wagon and drinks eventually he will get caught drunk driving and a host of other things. The expense of those things will impact you and the children. Of course he is stubborn it is part of the personality of an alocoholic, so being a control freak.
My advice is to open your own bank account and start the process of moving ( looking for a place) before you tell him of your plans. Also talk to a divorce attorney or a counselor at a domestic violence shelter and see exactly what your rights are. They vary from state to state.
Also look into joining Al Anon, it is for families of the substance abuser. it helps you to learn to be strong and not accept the blaming, guilt and controlling.
Good luck to you. You are in a tough situation but you are strong and a survivor. You survived him.

if your really ready to protect your kids-youll make it just fine

Having been married to two alcoholics, I would suggest either getting him out of the house, or on a weekend when he is drunk, tell him the kids and you are going to visit your parents and do not come back until he is out of the house and you have filed OFP papers on him. That would keep you a lot safer. As for being able to meet househole expenses, he will be ordered to pay child support and that should help. I wish you all the best M.. Just don't do as I did, one after the other. God bless you and the children and good luck.

So many respondants have much more experience with the alcoholic side of this question. Thankfully there are many others with that insight.

If you want to get out, and it is absolutely in the best interest of your kids and your health, you would be able to find an apartment and get back on your feet slowly during your career change. Start researching and get yourself organized before you leave the situation.