Husband Issues - Germantown,MD

Issues between a husband and wife should stay between the husband and wife. If anyone on the outside should be involved, it should be your preacher or marital counselor. Family members can almost never be objective and it's not fair to involve them.

Sometimes husbands don't behave in a way we think they should because we (their wives) don't allow them to be the head of our household. I have read, and strongly encourage every married woman to read "Created To Be His Help Meet". It was written by Debi Pearl.

I grew up in the 70's with the attitude that I should be able to run along side my husband. The responsibilities of the wife are much different than what I was taught. This book has made my marriage a very enjoyable one and my husband is my best friend.

Please give it a try.

I have not read the other responses, so this may be redundant, but your anger is completely justified. It is totally inappropriate for either of you to involve others, particularly family members, no matter how close or distant, in your marital arguments. You might want to see about going to see a marriage counselor to help the two of you to communicate better. Good luck.

Your marriage is between you and your husband. Period. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, thinks, or whose side they are on. It's between the two of you. Others are not living your relationship every day. I pray that you're able to come together and work this out - just the two of you.

Of course your anger was justified. And yes it was highly inappropriate for him to do that. You should not involve your parents in your marital problems.
What was your husband hoping to gain from airing your problems to someone who not only isnt his own father but someone who really isnt involved in your life? That completely makes No sense.
So, More the point is your husbands irrational insecurities. Sounds like he needs some counseling on his own.If you had him leave the house over this...sounds like there is way more to the story and your issues and maybe you both need some counseling. Hope you work something out.

While I agree that it wasn't probably the right thing for your husband to do nor do we know why he did what he did but there is one thing that I have learned and that is "don't assume anything". I didn't see where you knew the details of the conversation so I would just be sure you are clear with him and let him know that what he did was unacceptable to you and that you would appreciate that he didn't do it again. I would also mention that he should give your dad another call letting him know that he really shouldn't have done what he did and apologize for upsetting him, if he really did upset him. Just my 2cents. Hope it helps. Getting help from a marital counselor can help but you both have to want it or it won't work. Hope this helps. chat with ya later.

mac

I would involve your Dad only if you are going to
separate from your husband. Why involve him because
in time everything might work out and he wouldn't have
to know.

I can personally see that you were really, really hurt and angry..which I think that you do have the right to be angry about this..but, also, I do think that you should sit down and talk to him..with regards to him not fully knowing your father very well, and also going behind YOUR back..as well as talking about a highly personal relationship issue with your father!
I think, and this is MY own view here..that your hubby is just NOT thinking this whole issue throughly..and also, it sounds like he feels frustrated..not just with you and he in the relationship..but, with himself..he feels insecure...in the relationship...I think that it can be really hard if you are in some ways alone..and you don't have a friend or close friend to talk to..with regards to the problems and issues..ya know, like a close male friend..(You don't mention this ,,,so I am assuming that this could be somewhat of an issue for him) and I have also been in his situation..and I can totally understand..when you need a male friend to talk out these issues..and or a female friend..(because you don't have to just have a male friend if you happen to be a guy, and the same for you, as a female!)
I ended a long friendship,(37+ years) with somebody and I now don't have a super close friend to talk to about my troubles..I have a new friend..but, I do NOT push my issues on to her!
Maybe your hubby needs a friend..but, your dad...should NOT be the one to talk to about ...I feel that this gets way too personal...for all of you..and that stuff, should be told to either a therapist or a friend..but, NOT somebody in the family!
I used to tell my parents stuff..about my boyfriend stuff..but, now being married..I try hard never to!
It feels wrong! I also feel that if I decided to get serious and get married..then, I must be much more of a "grown up" and that I should be able to handle myself, better! (Maybe that is an illusion...but, I still tend to think that way!)

I hope that this might help you, anyhow!

But, whatever you do...don't come down too rough on your hubby..talk to him..and tell him..that you would much prefer him to NOT speak about your marital issues with your father..because it is way too personal...for his and your issues to be on your dad's mind...and to tell a friend or you..about what is bothering him!!

Good luck!

J.

i think it depends on what you did or rather what your husband thought you did so badly that he had to talk to your dad about it. although two wrongs dont make a right (his calling your dad and you kicking him out). he shouldnt she shouldnt; it can go back and forth and someone has to be the adult and realize when it's starting to get childish and what really is called for. so was what you did really not a bad thing at all and totally didnt deserve a call to fil about or was the call understandable regardless of your dads health and worries. did he do it to get back at you or to seek guidance from someone else that knows you two well. only then can you decide if kicking him out was justifiable.

If I read you right, you didn't want to involve your dad, you don't have a close relationship with him and neither does your husband. I'd be ticked, personally.

What was your dad's reaction and what did your husband have to say about why he did it? I might call MY mom to talk to her about something, but I would not call my mother-in-law.

I also think that some things need to stay between the couple, so part of the issue may be what was discussed. Sounds like you and your husband need to talk not only about the marital issue he discussed, but broken trust because he called your father when it didn't (based on what you said here) seem necessary and something you did not want.

If you cannot resolve the issue on your own, consider getting a third-party *professional* opinion - aka therapy. Sometimes it helps to have someone not closely involved in your lives to help sort through issues.

Good luck.

Absolutely legitimate. That is WAY out of bounds, and I think it's a sign of controlling behavior. Be careful. I would look at going to counseling, he sounds like he has some issues he needs to take care of for the benefit of your family. I wish you well.

The core of a marriage is communication. Telling someone to leave the house to solve an issue, doesn't promote communication. Calling a person outside the situation and pulling them into it doesn't promote communication either. It sounds like your husband and you need to learn how to open the lines of communication with each other so that neither one of you is on the defensive or in victim mode, but instead working together to to talk out what the issues are and how they can be solved by the two of you. Good luck!

Yes, he accomplished exactly was he was out for and at the expense of your father. This is manipulative behavior. Please seek counseling and if your husband won't agree, please go yourself.

Yes, that was inappropriate. Your anger is more than legitimate, and his actions could be cause for concern. Trust me, I've been there. If your husband has irrational insecurities, I would be careful when he gets upset. Can he seek professional help?

I don't blame you for getting mad. To be honest, there's things that my boyfriend does (we've been together seven years - may as well be married) that I really think that there's no other person to talk to but his mother. I keep telling myself though that our issues is none of her business and I leave it at that. I actually thought about calling her last night about something he did yesterday - acting like a spoiled child like he is. But, I kept it to myself. My sister lives with us and so I at least am able to talk to her cause she was there for the incident. But, anyways, your issues are just that...your issues and you need to work them out together and not involve people that don't need to be involved. Good luck! :-)

yes!

I would seek counseling.

Hey KZ, thank you for sharing your story. It is okay to be upset. God says that it's okay to be angry, but sin not. I would have been too girl. I went thru the same thing that you are currently going thru, but except it was with him going to his mom. For you and your house, you cannot allow anyone else to come in, meaning the father in law. It's going to take some time to sit down with your husband, when it's the right time and God will show you when its the best time to talk to your husband. To let him know that every time there is a problem, that you guys need to work it out together and don't allow other outside influences come in. Everyone is not always going to give your husband or you the right advice. Don't allow the enemy (the devil), to come in and destroy your love and marriage with your husband. You stand in the gap for your marriage and let God take over and he will work it out. And how you do that is by going to your secret place and telling God how you feel and what you are beleiving Him to do for you. Then leave it at His feet and just continue to love on your husband girl. Sow good seeds in your marriage and God will honor that and work on your husband in reguards to running to your father every time there is a problem. That's not putting faith and trust in the Lord. He's running to man to fix the problem rather than God. We are suppose to leave mother and father and cleave to our sponses. So KZ, girl, hang in there and don't let the enemy get your flesh all worked up when God has already fixed this situation. I pray right now that God will bring peace to you and your husband and your home and I bind the devil right now in the name of Jesus!!! Devil, you have NO PLACE IN KZ AND HER HUSBAND'S HOME!! HER HUSBAND IS THE HEAD OF THEIR HOME, NOT THE TAIL!! THEY ARE ABOVE AND NOT BENEATH!! YOUR WORKS ARE DESTROYED RIGHT NOW IN JESUS NAME!! THERE MARRIAGE WILL NOT BE BROKEN OR DESTROYED OVER FOOLISHNESS!!! IN THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS, AMEN!! Well girl, I pray that this helps you and blesses you! You can take so much advice from other people, but, when it doesn't line up with the word of God, it's bound to fail every time. Remember girl, you can do all things thru Christ which strenghthens you!!! Now, go love on your husband girl and give that situation to God!! Take care and have a good nite!! love ya! :)

Hi, Karen,

No, that was not appropriate at all!! If you husband needs to "vent" then let him do it with his best friend or a good therapist. Or even YOU.

I would seriously advise you BOTH to find a good counselor and get into couples counseling. Counseling saved my 30-year marriage back in the day. Get on the phone Monday and find someone good. If your husband won't go, then YOU go alone to start.

Good luck & God bless,

Pam H.
Westminster, MD

The Bible says a man should leave father and mother and cling to his wife. what your husband did was wrong and will not help your marriage. Getting angry and losing your cool will not help either. There may be underlying issues here. If you cannot calmly talk this out together then maybe you should consider counseling. AF

I personally feel that marital issues are between the two people involved and that it is not appropriate to be draggin family into them. Long after the issue has been resolved by the parties, family will hold a grudge.

With that, your husband contacted YOUR father, with whom neither of you have a close relationship for the purpose of telling him something to make himself feel better at the expense of you and your father.

I would be PISSED!

It is time for counseling, if you are not already in it.

Yes, I would say that the anger is legitimate. People do sometimes need to vent to a friend, but venting to your spouse's family is over the edge.

I probably would feel frustrated, but not enraged. Parents involved in your marital squabbles usually is not a good idea. However, at least he is venting to a male who is an elder, and someone who your husband probably believes understands you, has been married, and could offer some "sound" advice. But, how did you expect him to handle this? It's never good for men to keep emotions bottled. Yelling wasn't changing anything. At least he tried to turn it into something positive, even if he chose the wrong peson. I like that it seems he feels very comfortable with your father. Curious that he's not that connected to his own parents, but it's probably best that he definitely not bring them into disagreements. It could set up an "us-against-her" situation that folks don't easily forget. Really, it could be worse. He could be seeking advice from his unmarried friends who might suggest something really stupid. Or, worse, a sympathetic woman at work. People often want to vent when they are frustrated. Not all people can verbally express themselves to their mate and then let the matter die. He's probably trying to process the disagreement himself, and instead of yelling wanted someone neutral. A word of advice, do not make it a habit of putting him out when you two disagree. You'd also be dragging in the relatives, because where is he supposed to go? Find another way to resolve your differences. You don't want to introduce that into your relationship. Learn how to disagree in a healthy manner. You wouldn't put out a co-worker in the office when you disagree; why put out your mate? Apologize for putting him out, because that was wrong, apologize for your role in the original disagreement, because you both are to blame, then sit down with each other and calmly discuss how bringing inlaws into your disagreements (for both of you) shouldn't be done. The in-laws could start keeping tab of who did and said what, and once you two have made peace, they won't easily forget the petty issues. You're giving them permission to have input in your relationship. And, dysfunctional inlaws can setup more situations based on those prejudices they form. The opinions inlaws form can later affect other future disagreements (and you will have more), and you don't want to setup a war zone or end up on Dr. Phil. Once he sees it from that standpoint, he might apologize himself and be willing to find another sounding board when he gets frustrated. (He might not apologize, either, but be ok with that. It's not about being right. It's about setting a mature tone for your relationship.) But, I do hope he finds someone who is male, older, and has a healthy marriage.

Hi, I'm a SAHM, married 12 yrs with 3 girls..and yes, I believe you have a right to be angry at your husband.
That being said, there are always 2 sides to every story, and it might be helpful to step back from the situation and think: What am I not sharing/giving/doing with my husband that he is seeking advice outside of our marriage? What issues are my husband and I not facing together, that he seeks resolution outside the marriage?

I think you need to sit down for a long talk (or go on a long walk) with your husband and get straight to the point about the "irrational securities" he has, and perhaps discuss why you are so distant with your father. Perhaps if both of you are able to get some of your frustrations out in the open, he won't seek counsel elsewhere.

At least he didn't go seek advice from another woman...right? After all, even though you might have issues with your dad, maybe your husband's heart is in the right place.

Wishing you the best,
M.