Husband Issues

Hi G.,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Relationship problems are a common symptom of people living in pain. I would suggest you guys see a therapist together.

Good luck.

Remeber "for better or worse"? He is going through a hard time and you need to work through it. It might even take a couple of years, but that is marriage. He needs to get his back taken care of and off the meds before you can address the intimacy. When my husband is bad off physically, everything stops! We are just rebounding off a bad year and boy are we rebounding! Patience and love above all else. Congrats on 15 years!

G.,
A few things. First, I work in research for Orthopaedic spine surgeons and have worked in orthopaedics for 11 years. I don't care what the "side effects" say, you can ask anyone with experience with narcotic pain medicine, the meds your husband is one are among the strongest and most addictive narcotics available. They absolutely have an effect on a persons personality, social behavior, and desire to "do" anything. These medications are "downers" and time and time again I have heard this same story. His physician needs to be made aware of the changes you are seeing in him so they can make a fully informed choice about his health care. The bad news is that, back problems are not an easy fix. I don't know what your husbands diagnosis is, but even after surgery many patients still have considerable pain for the rest of their lives. Don't let that stop you though, there MANY new procedures and devices out there and more being studied every day. The key is picking the right surgeon, I can't stress that enough. The docs I work with are amazing surgeons, among the best out there, every day we see patients who have had "bad" surgeries somewhere else and come to us for help. If anyone writes you back telling you about these laser spine places, ignore them and stay as far away as possible. If you think $2000 is a lot to pay, those places will have you paying several times that with no "real" result. I've seen it too many times, trust me! One thing with your deductible is that a lot of surgeons and or hospitals will allow you to pay a portion up front and make payments for the remaining amount. I know you don't know me, but please believe me, there is help out there and there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Your husband needs to find an alternative to living on two heavy narcotics. Not only does he need to worry about the obvious mental effects, but also the physical effects on his liver, kidneys, and multiple other things. He may have trouble stopping if he's been on them for a long time, but that is when he will need you most. Instead of thinking that you want to leave him, try to focus on finding a way to help him get back to man that you fell in love with. Go get a second, third, fourth,opinion or however many it takes until you find a doc who can help. If possible, depending on his back problem, look into physical therapy, massage therapy, acupuncture treatment, chiropractic care, muscle stimulators or tens units. All of these are therapies that have helped back patients for years, some may help him and others may not. If it were my husband I would be dragging him to everyone of them until we found something that could help provide some relief. Please, if you need any more info or help, let me know. I hate to think of a marriage as long as yours breaking up because your husband has fallen into the horrible reality of narcotic use, it is a scary and depressing place to be and just because you don't think he cares anymore doesn't mean that true. Those meds have a way of just numbing/dulling a persons emotions and rational thinking, he's probably so lost and helpless that he's ready to give up to, don't let him!
Good luck and good searching...don't stop until you find an answer!

Unfortunately people with chronic pain can develop depression or personality changes due to the pain they are in. Does your husband feel pain free when he is on the meds? If not he may need some pain management classes especially if surgery doesn't cure him or at least reduce his pain drastically. Men can often begin to feel down on themselves and even inadequate if pain is stopping them from living life they way they used to or want to live it now.The medication your husband is on is addicitve and ABSOLUTELY CAN LEAD TO PERSONALITY CHANGES if your husband becomes dependant on them or "hooked" on them.

On the other hand, you need to be open about your feelings in regards to the situation, but at the same time you need to try to get him to open up about the way he is feeling and you really need to listen. If you love your husband you should really try being supportive and letting him know that you are there to help him. If you feel you have done EVERYTHING you can and he just isn't interested in talking to you maybe you should try counseling before giving up on your marriage. My advice is obviously very general advice since I do not know you or your situation personally, but I hope it helps.

Those meds are very addicting. Aslo, pain causes depression, so he has a few things going against him... so if you can find a way to afford it the surgery may be the way to go. I had back trouble years ago & sex is not something you want to do (think moving=pain) BUT, I also have a husband that isn't very intimate, so I know how tough it can be for you. He has low testosterone- we can fix it as soon as we are done w/ IVF (the treatmentcauses sterility) so maybe if he is interested- you could get that checked?
sorry!

G.-
I was on Morphine and percocet for a few years, for back problems as well. My sex drive was still high, but things took a lot longer to work, so I felt like I was wasting my husband's time. I just pretended like I had no sex drive because it took so long. (The pills are used to stop pain, but they stop good feelings as well) I know this will sound stupid and I don't know if you husband will try it, but I started doing yoga and got off taking the pills full time. I will still take a percocet here and there, but for the most part the yoga has helped lessen the pain. I have degenerative disk disease, osteoporosis, and arthritis in my back. I have had the surgery and it made it worse...

Sounds rough..It is really tough since he will most likely if not already become addicted. Pills are tough addictions to break too. I've not experienced it, but I know of a few people who's husbands got addicted to oxycodone because of back problems also. One's husband became violent a few times but she left before he hit her. I think he punched a hole in the wall right near her head. He's recovered now and they are working things out, but he can't keep doing the pills...Do what you see fit..You can't have your kids around that. If he hasn't gotten violent, chances are he eventually will. He will have to quit and try the surgery, and get some other dr. opinions before getting major surgery like that. Ya gotta have the best!! $2 grand is a drop in the bucket compared to pill addiction and your marriage ending. Can anyone else help you financially w/this? Make payments on the deductible, trust me, they will negotiate w/you, I know...That's what ya have to do I wish you the best. I"m sure you'll do what is best.

the foremost orthopedic surgeon in Canada will not do surgery until the patient has completed a conservative course of chiropractic care- get your husband to a chiropractor ( he decreased his surgery 96%!)

OFCOURSE IT IS THE DRUGS---YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT-
don't let anyone argue with what you have observed for yourself

now you have 2 issues- a husband w/ back pain and a drug problem

my heart goes out to you, best of luck- your husband's future is in your hands.
k

Hi G.,
I have experienced it and I would be asking my physician for a referral to another Dr. ASAP! These 2 meds can cause a major addiction, and is hard to get off without possibly a hospital stay. Don't know how long he has been on these drugs, but they are both bad news. Yes, they can and do cause a personality change while taking them. Mine is off his, but he still takes asprin for pain. He might do better with Motrin. It is an anti-inflamatory but temporary fix. I would run, not walk to find another physician!! Good luck to both of you he will need your support and love as he goes through this. Have you tried the Florida Orthopedic Institute? Don't know if you are in the Tampa Area or not.

Definetely side effects from the meds. Have been on both, one for childbirth the other for a motorcycle accident. You get grumpy, don't care and don't want anything to do with sex. If the pharmacists told you differently get a new one.
Still would be good to talk to your Husband though, he may not even be aware.

I didn't know much about this but figured it makes sense that it could make changes in sex drive and personality. So I googled 'oxycodone and sex drive', then 'oxycodone + personality change'. Then did the same for morphine. Both came up with many things to read up on. I scanned it but thought you might be able to find other people's firsthand accounts they responded on these meds.

Good luck and hang in there.

G., I am really sorry you are having to deal with this issue. I know it is tough. I lived it once. My then-husband also had back pain, and was prescribed narcotics as we could not afford surgery either. I will not go into the gory details, but will say you do not want to ignore this potential problem. As the others said, it is highly likely he is becoming addicted to the narcotics. The usual response (of an addict) to being confronted about addiction is to get defensive and turn the tables on the other person. If you suspect addiction and get a poor response to bringing up the subject, you may want to do a little investigating. Count the pills - are any missing? Is he doubling up? Is he hiding the bottles? Is he talking on the phone out of earshot or outside and is this new behavior? Is he drinking while taking the medication? My experience is that when a person becomes addicted, they need to increase dosage or add in other drugs to get the same effect they were getting in the beginning. This is also how they defend the increase - the pain is no longer being taken care of by the original dosage. Call his dr immediately or go by to see him. He likely will not discuss your husband's case with you, but you can talk about what is going on. And please remember - what I have written and what I have suggested you do is from my experience and what I would do - if it makes you uncomfortable to do some of those things, then go straight to talking with the dr. Good luck, G.. I hope everything works out for you, your husband and your kids.

It may not have anything to do with the medication. It may have to do with his confidence as a man. He is obviously in pain for the Dr. to prescribed such strong pain pills. He does not have the $2,000 to pay for the surgery. He probably feels inadequate as a man. I think I would encourage him to go to counseling. Talking to someone and getting all those feelings out may help. I would also say instead of spending money on seperation, start saving pennies wherever you can for the surgery. Sometimes they will even let you have the surgery with out your copay up front, and then you can pay $50 a month until the end of time. Good Luck and try getting yourself into some type of mom's group on your area so you have some support.

I'm not sure about the side effects of the meds but you might want to go speak to a marriage therapist.

I would go to a counselor and discuss it. See if he is willing to go with you and if not, go by yourself. It's good to talk it out with a neutral party and it will help you make a better decision. My Mother and my Grandmother always said this, "Are you better of with him or without him?" If you answer this question honestly, you'll know the right thing to do. Many times I've said to my husband, "Is this a rough patch or the way things are going to be?" He says it's a rough patch and we work it out. But if you are beyond that, you should discuss it with someone. Good luck!

i thought i knew what i was going to respond with till i read that youve been married for 15 years. im not a know it all but from what i know ive been there. What you just descibed your husband as that's me. And my husband is all about getting closer. The reason why im like that is because i alredy love him and i dont feel i need to show it. where he's the other way. Maybe insted of telling him your not being intomit with me and so on maybe you can do a little extra to put him on that road. Such as if he likes a special meal you cook it/ order it and make a romantic night out of it whie the kids are asleep. Or give him a message then after that cuddle with each other/ take a bubble bath with each other and so forth. Tell him how wonderful he is, and tell him i love when you hold me "this way...." or make a night where you get to talk about what made you fall in love with one another. What was it that made the sparks go off... Try to look and smell your best around him with what ever he would prefer. Divorce isn't always the answer. Once your married again after a while you'll run in the same problem. face it head on. Relationships are 50/50 not 100% each. you give a little and you get a little in return. Its all on how you balance your life. Or maybe once a month you could get together and write down one thing that each party could improve on. If he says i want you to .."give me a kiss before i leave"...then you could say.."i want you to write me a letter once a week and tell me what i mean to you" everyone wants to be appreciated and you just want to hear it more often...things like that...hope that helps. best wishes!

Those responses could definately be from taking those medications. They are very addicting, and do change your personality after awhile, plus, he could be depressed about the situation, and having to use the drugs for relief. I have a relative who is on oxycotin, and she has good days and bad days, but she ends up being very agressive toward others. Each person reacts differently to medication. Those symptoms also are the same as someone having an affair or comtemplating an affair. Whatever the reason it sounds like he needs to see someone that he can talk with to be able to get these emotions to the surface and deal with them. Perhaps he feels that he is no longer able to function as a provider for the family physically, mentally or otherwise. You both need to see someone, and get this worked out quickly.

Hello G.,
You've already gotten some wonderful advice, but I wanted to add that perhaps part of the loss of intimacy could be simply because he back hurts. He is on some very serious pain meds, and should get off of them asap. No matter how intense his pain is, those drugs are addictive and cause very serious side effects. My mother inlaw just hurt her back and is seeing a chyropractor. In the last 3 weeks she is now able to walk and stand. Not for long but long enough. Also she is using a ice pack every 30 minutes with a belt designed for your back. Nothing hot on a bad back, it can make it worse or increase the pain. I am no expert, so I sugest you both talk to his doctor, but I do recommend finding a chyropractor like tomorrow. It will make a world of a difference. Also make a note of how offen he is taking those meds and for how long, he may have to weaned from them due to dependency. I know I am a cancer patient and have crossed the line with both of these pain meds, but was lucky enough to stop them if I felt like I didnt need it. I pray that things go well for him, and dont give up, he is in pain and just isnt who he once was.

If you guys are into trying something a little different for his pain, visit www.emofree.com and check out EFT. You may be able to find someone in your area that practices this, or you can try it yourself.

counseling. if your husband won't go, go alone. you might be able to figure out how to draw him out with the help of a counselor. you also might be able to find out more about the mental/emotional side effects of chronic pain and pain medication dependency from a counselor who has worked with drug dependency issues.

i know chronic pain can have a HUGE affect on someone's mental state. don't count him out yet.