Husband Is Very Attached to New Friend

I have been in a situation very similar, except I was the one with a friend at work. The situation started as just two friendly coworkers talking over cocoa. (Neither of us drank coffee but still demanded a break like the others.) We eventually got to talking about things going on in our personal lives and had great conversation. Let me say now that we never EVER slept together, but it could have easily gotten to that point. I did find myself wanting to spend more time with him and less with my husband. My husband was furious. I knew we weren't sleeping together so I didn't see where I was doing anything wrong. But it still almost ended my marriage.

My husband and I did go to marriage counselling and after 7 hard months, we managed to put things back on the right track. As part of the counselling, we were made to read a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" and one called "Bounderies in Marriage". They helped me realize what I was doing was wrong. But my husband telling me just made me more angry and rebellious.

My point is that there may truely not be anything going on, but if you are uncomfortable with the situation AND her husband is uncomfortable with the situation, then something should be done. Whether it is meeting these people with all 4 of you spending time together, or suggesting counselling to your husband if you can't get him to read the book. . . stop the situation now while you are still able to talk about it.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hi R.,
First off...I want to say that I am so sorry you are faced with this situation. It's a tough one. You want to be understanding and not "intrude" on your husbands privacy but yet you also want to be heard because you are being hurt. I agree with someone below...your husband IS CHEATING because of the emotional relationship he is pursuing with this woman. I hate to say it but you've got competition. Are you going to let this woman walk off with your man's heart or are you going to fight to win it back??? Yes, as painful as it sounds, you lost his heart somewhere along the line for him to be seeking attention from this woman. The best thing I EVER did for my marriage was to begin "wooing" my husband like when we were dating. I wrote love notes that I put in his lunch, started using an affectionate nick name, gave extra hugs and kisses and made an effort to compliment him and brag on him in public any chance I could. Did he deserve all of this??? NO!!!!!!!! I sometimes had to grit my teeth to do it...BUT (before you think I'm off my rocker)...the act of honoring my husband CHANGED HIS ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME!! After a few weeks he told me that he couldn't wait to get home to hug and kiss me, he loved confiding in me b/c I was no longer passing judgement but actually LISTENING to him and that I was PAYING MORE ATTENTION to him, which made him want to pay more attention to me!! Our sex life improved and I found that I actually WANTED him to touch me again!! Lol. I read a really great book that really changed my attitude towards my husband and my marriage. I'd be more than happy to share it with you if you are interested. By nature men go where the attention is...I know it's hard with a job and kids but your marriage HAS to be a priority right now. Trust me, you will reap the benefits. Think about what this woman is giving your husband that you are not and start doing it!!! You are bound to win out, you have a history together. Most women shut down when their husbands are doing what yours is but this is the perfect opportunity for YOU to take control of your marriage and WIN HIM BACK!!!
I wish you the best of luck!!!

I think there is a real danger in your marriage for any spouse to spend so much time with anybody of the opposite sex. ESPECIALLY one that confides in each other.
Women tend to develope feelings for men that are good listeners of their problems. I am not saying that this has happened to your husband But I really think that this is a bad spot for him to put your marriage in. MY husband's co worker had an issue with her husband and She would start to talk about it with my husband and he would say "here talk to my wife she is good at those things" What my husband was doing was building a hedge around our marriage to protect it from outsiders that may begin feeling attached. My husband is a very careing person and loves to help people but when it comes to woman having person problems he has to refer them to another woman because as i said before there is a real danger in letting the opposite sex confide in one another when your married.
If i were you I would be very concerned and I would have to ask my husband to stop seeing her on personal time. There is no reason EVER that a man should spend any time with another woman that his own wife can not be present at the same time. IF he wants to see her then he needs to invite YOU along. I hope this helps.

DO NOT FEEL LIKE you are wrong for being upset...Every woman wants to be that person her man wants to spend quality time with. There is nothing wrong with that.

Dear R.,

I have been in this EXACT situation. It has been almost 5 years and my husband and I have grown from the experience and I am happy to say, God intervened and HE saved our marriage.

I will be totally honest with you about MY situation, perhaps it will help...take what you want...leave what you don't want.... It is not appropriate in a helathy marriage for either the husband or wife to have a one-on-one "relationship" with someone of the opposite sex. PERIOD. Let me define...one-on-one meaning that they are spending time alone. There should not be ANY other woman in his life that he is sharing details of your marriage to AND there is no woman out there that should be sharing intimate details about HER marriage to another man...THIS EQUALS DISASTER. Both of them are thinking to themselves...why doesn't my spouse talk to me like this, why doesn't my spouse listen so attentively...why doesn't my spouse pay my this much attention..etc. (the thoughts may very, but you get the idea) It is only going to lead to thoughts that their spouse does not add up or treat them well. Which will lead to an affair...either of the heart or sexual.

My husband told me "all the right things" as well, and that he was happy. But on thie inside he was not. I WAS holding over him thoughts of our past (like before we were married - past) and not truly forgiving him and it lead to me treating him poorly and he didn't know what to do. he did not want to leave me, but he did not like who I had become and the way I treated him.

Long story short...I fould out about this "affair of the heart" and decided to prove to him that I was going to change myself into the woman he loved again. I of course put responsiblity on him for his actions, but I had to take a close look at myself and see if I was pushing him away. I was.

Like I said, God completely has healed our marriage. All my husband ever wanted was to be with me and be treated the way he deserves to be treated. Now he has a wife who appreciates him, and he has NO desires to be with another. It is evident in our lives, that we are changed.

If he were here, he would strongly caution your husband against ANY relationship with a woman away from you. Of course you will have female friends, but if it is not someone that you are friends with as well (and even then there can be issues) there is no reason for it. If you are truly what he wants and says he loves you then he should STOP seeing this other woman. ESPECIALLY since he has a weakness in this area from the bartender.

I just tried not to 'argue' with him, i did tell him that if he wanted to make it work with me, that all other female relationships would have to end. He agreed that is was not good for our marriage for him to be friends with women outside of work. Not everyone will agree with me, but it has worked for us. And I am happy to say that our marriage is now a testimony to how GOOD God is.

M.
www.WAHU.MakeMoreAtHome.com

I in no way want ot hurt you, but to me it sounds like your husband is making this other guy out to be a total prick to control how you respond to the situation. Marriage is not just about living/sleeping together, it is about confiding/sharing/loving eachother. He is putting you through turmoil to feed his own ego (which is VERY common). I am NOT trying to make you feel bad, situations like these are all too common, but stand up for yourself. I am so proud of your choice not to argue and in the good results that has brought. Try to TALK to him. Tell him you married him because of his ability to communicate with you and because you wanted to be close to him forever. Tell him though it seems ridiculous this other husband seems to be overreacting, but that you understand to some degree because you don't really want ot share your husband with her. (tell him in a funny way like "since i was 2 yrs old I have never been good at sharing my favorite toy, this continued into highschool and I never shared my favorite clothes with my friends and now you can understand that though years and life as made us grow apart I hate sharing you with anyone, even work and especially other women...) Your concerns sound ligit and you also sound very mature and incredibly prepared to deal with this in a mature way, before it crosses line no one can erase...

GOOD LUCK =)

Dear R.:
I'd say an occasional happy hour with colleagues and friends is in order, but if he is more away than with you something is wrong, relationship or not. If this is once a week or less, I would not worry too much, but your note did not sound like that.

Also, I totally agree with the saying "nip it in the bud". It may not be big (yet), but it may grow into something big, and by then it is too late. Do something now. At this point you work with him to get him back and prevent bad things. At a later point you would work against him (spying, arguing, accusing), which won't help even if you are right. Way down the road you may lose him or he may cheat and crawl back (neither one would sit well with me, if I was in your shoes).

Talk calmly and reasonably to him without nagging. If the train has left the station already, you may have to split, but as of now you seem to have good chances of working it out and finding the cause why he does not want to come home. The MIL and SIL may be part of that...

I don't think the other husband is insecure, I just think he has a better radar of what is going to happen next - perhaps he has been there before. In my book, if another person of the opposite sex offers consolation and a shoulder to cry on, you should refuse as a married person. Perhaps via e-mail, but not face-to-face (or cheek-to-cheek?).

Regards and good luck,
W.

Wow, that sucks. I can see why you'd be so upset. All you can really do is try to talk to him. Explain yourself and be very conscious of whether or not you sound accusing. Use "I" a lot, and very few "you"s. Also, I suggest surprising him with a date or something - have mom and sis take baby for an outting one night, cook a great meal, and spoil him. In other words, give him a reason to want to come home and spend more time with you. (Not to infer that he doesn't want to spend time with you now, just don't give him any excuses not to.) Really try to make your home feel happy - find out why he feels like he needs to spend time outside of the home and don't be offended if he tells you the truth and you don't like it. Take note of it and make a conscious effort to change it. If you want him to be able to talk to you openly and honestly, you really have to try very hard to be open-minded and accept what he has to say without getting your feelings hurt. My husband and I went through this, too, and he actually did end up leaving for a while. Now we are happier than ever - he told me then honestly how he felt because he had cut himself off from his feelings toward me, and didn't care if it hurt me. And it did, but I knew what I needed to do to change things and make him happy. Keep your chin up and if you need a shoulder, I'll be glad to listen.

You know R., I dont play when it comes to my husband spending more time with another woman. He already know, that I'm not having that. That is wrong and no you are not going crazy. He needs to stop, because thats how relationship is form. Spending time with someone developes relationships. I know been there done that. If he is cheating on you, you will know. 1. spending more time at work. 2. always saying he is not cheating. 3. dont want to talk or shut down when you ask him about spending more time with you and the kids. 4. always have to go run out for something. 5. not very sexual active like before. 6. changing up his appearance. 7. talks about this woman all the time. 8. or gets mad when you talk about her. All woman have something on the inside that gives her a knowing. If you think that your man is cheating 9 times out of 10 you are right. I hate to say this but it is true. The same thing you are going through I been there with mine. I also have cheated with a younger man and yes what he is telling you about her is true, my husband didnt trust this man and he didnt feel as though I should be talking to this man, First it started out just co- workers then as time went by, we started hanging around each other more. To tell the true he was a good listener. And when I had trouble in my marrriage he would be there for me to cry or talk to. That how things get started. You need to tell your husband to cut tides with this woman before things get out of hand. Tell him how you feel and let him know that you need him now more then ever. Fix yourself up and always look pretty, go back to what you use to do when you first met. Go out on a date and dont nagg him. You fix yourself up and be more conf in who you are, I bet you will see a change in him....... I hope this is helpfull to you but if not I wish you well.

Vicky

You are right to feel the way you feel and it is not controlling or nuts to think that something doesn't feel right about it.
First, your husband is married with children. Why on earth is he hanging out with "friends" so frequently in the first place? Second, why is he hanging out with female friends? Neither is acceptable behavior for a married man. Lunch with co-worker, fine. Dinner, drinks, etc... occasionally. Dinner, drinks, etc with female co-worker alone... not fine.
This needs to be nipped in the bud, sister. Shoot, even her husband has an issue with it.
Good luck to you.

Hey R.,

1st off if your husband has a female friend she should be "yall's" friend. Put the shoe on the other foot, or better yet your husband should. Would this be okay with him if the situation be reversed? My husband has a few female friends that he had before we met, and since I'm not insecure I don't have a problem with this. However I stood my ground once I knew of them that if they are truely a friend to you, and I am your wife, then they become "our" friends. Secondly, Your husband needs to respect the fact that your his wife, and his best friend before anyone - male friend or femail! So....R., my advise to you is this.....stop crying, be strong, stop nagging him and be firm and tell him to invite this "friend" over for dinner so you can get to know her. And the way you ask would be hey honey....ask so-in-so if she'd like to come over for dinner Saturday night? This way he thinks you understand she's a friend, because if that is truely the case he shouldn't have a problem. And depending on what his response is to you, that will be the proof of what is really going on...either you will also now have a friend or there is more to the story.

Hope this helps!
T.
myspace.com/mrswest

Instead of worrying about their relationship, which is certainly justified, try befriending her. Invite her and her husband over for dinner or meet together, the four of you. Obviously, a guy needs other people to talk to, not that I encourage it being a woman, but make his friend your friend too. Maybe you 4 can all help each other. This is just a suggestion. It is what I would do in this situation. But do keep your eyes wide open for any signs of cheating. My husband has females he talks to but I also talk to them. That way I can keep my eyes on them both.

Unless your husband is a marriage counselor, they need to part their ways. There are people that have been trained to help out couples with marital issues. If I was in your shoes, I would give an option...either she goes or I do. Because IMO if a husband and wife don't have communication and trust each other more than anyone else, they don't have squat. He can BS you all he wants, but if you are that important he will stop hurting your feelings and repsect you more than the other woman. I am also very conventional in my thinking about marriage and we take things so far, that just so no one can say anything about either one of us, we never ride in the car alone with someone of the opposite sex unless it's family. We don't go out to eat with someone of the opposite sex by without the other one. I don't know how you have put up for it this long...you have alot more stamina than I could ever dream of!!!!

This is absolutely not ok. I think that in your heart you know it's not, but are maybe trying to minimize it because he is your husband. Imagine if your friend came to you with the same exact situation...wouldn't you think it was wrong? It's easy to be naiive, but don't let yourself.

Wake up!!! You have got to be kidding me----do you not see how inappropriate this whole situation is---does your husband and MIL who lives with you not see??????? I think I am a pretty easy going wife---my husband goes out without me and I go out without him occasionally-----but I would never let it be ok for my husband to act this way. THere is no way in hell that I would even stand for him hanging out with another woman without me included---let alone one I had never met before. My husband and I have a mutually good friend, and the only time they hang out without me is at work and when her husband is included---who has become very close with my husband. There is no way that my husband would have a close friend that I did not know---man or woman. It sounds like your husband is still trying to act single while having a family at home. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He has a family----he shouldn't be out at bars---he should be at home connecting with his child and his wife. I think it's sad that your husband is spending time with another woman and not you---but I think it's even worse that he's spending time with another woman and not his child. You have every right to be frustrated and mad----you are about to have 2 children and your husband is acting like a teenage boy. Also---any woman who is telling your husband things she could not tell her husband is a woman who is ready to cheat on her husband. Don't let yourself be the blind woman----open your eyes and talk to your husband and if it's so important that he keep this "friend" then you should meet her face to face and see if she's still so open to talking about her problems with her husband. Maybe you could share this problem with her and see what advice she gives you.

Good luck, and take the advise of these very wise woman. Turn up the notch and be his confidant again.

I honestly don't think that the fact that your husband has female friends that you do not know and feels more comfortable confiding in her is healthy for your relationship. Just my opinion.

Your husband should come home to you after work and not hang out at bars and with other women. I would put my foot down if I was you and tell him that you will not stand for that and if he loves you and wants ya'll to work out then he needs to be there for you and you will be there for him. If he needs someone to talk to then that someone should be you or a guy friend that you both know. Not some strange woman that you have no idea who she is. I mean there is no telling what she tells him. So I would sit him down and talk to him and let him know that you will not stand for this any longer. Let him know that you love him but you don't like anything that is going on. Just be calm when you do talk to him and try not to fight and get mad. If he doesn't want to talk and doesn't care what you think then I would try to get out now before it gets worse. The way he acts will tell you everything.

These are just suggestions...although I have been through some of these myself....I don't know where to start...you need to talk to your husband right away and let HIM know what your feelings are...have you ever tried to put this scenario on him...you being the one that needs and/or wants to talk to an older man with things that you can't/ or won't talk to your own husband about...He probably has you for granted, thinking that you will always be there for him...don't get me wrong you sound like the kind of person who will, (like me) stick through thick and thin with your man...but it's not fair to you that you have all these feelings and you are just there waiting for him to let you in...why can't he let you in...the way he does her...there has to be an answer somewhere...find it...before it starts destroying you, slowly but surely...I got to that point once...but Thank God we got things in order again...May God Bless You..

I hope this helps in some way...

M.

You better wake up and smell the coffee !!!!!
Friend or no friend!!! Your husband needs to be home with you! And no bars either!!! From what you have said sounds like your husband is not happy but making you believe he is!!!
Looks like he is out and about and that is not a good sign!
I would be following him or higher cheaters.com! Do not believe everything you here, i have been there!!!!!!!!!
You think somebody will love only you and guess what they lie!!
You better take a closer look.......................
Good luck ~

Dear R.,

I just joined mamasource and figured with my many years of parenthood I could help with advice. I am only 39 but have 5 children from age 5 to age 22. I also have lots of marraige and relationship experience. I was divorced after 12 yrs of marraige with 3 kids and have since remarried and have 2 additional children and I'm happily married for 9 yrs now.

First let me say that your "gut" feeling is almost always correct. Bottom line, your husband should realize that all intimate relationships usually start with friendships. Even if his efforts to become friends with this other woman are innocent, he is putting himself in a bad situation. He should realize this because as he admitted before.. "he almost slept with another woman". Anytime a man and a woman can talk to each other about deep rooted issues and begin to care about each other they put themselves in a situation where they are vulnerable to an intimate physical relationship. In a sense, your husband has already potentially betrayed you even without having sex. He has become "emotionally" involved with another woman which is why you are feeling sad.

You MUST have a serious talk with your husband about how this relationship makes you feel. If he loves you and cares for you and wants to preserve your relationship, he will consider your feelings. Would this woman want to hang out with you and your husband together? This woman has no business telling your husband things she can not tell her own.. the same way you don't want your husband confiding in her and I would bet your husband does not want you confiding in another man.

From my own experience.. this relationship that starts out as "friends" can very well ruin your marraige. My husband made a friend on the Internet.. female friend that he said he could really talk to! As if he couldn't talk to me. He broke up our marraige for this friendship turned affair. I was left after 12 yrs of marraige with 3 children from 3 to 11. I am partly to blame.. I'm to blame becuase I trusted him SO much that I did not believe he would do this to me. I should have stepped in before it got any further. But from my experience.. I believe if he hadn't done it then, he would have done it another time.

Good luck talking to your husband. I wish you well! Feel free to contact me at any time!
W.

I would sit him down and tell he how you feel. Make sure ya'll aren't going to be interruped by his family or the baby.
May I ask why are they (MIL and SIL) living with ya'll? To me it's not a very healty situation all together. I think you should really think about how you see ya'll future together. It's fine to have family around but I think you and your husband need to create a more structured family. I don't mean to sound mean or hateful but I don't see how you can do it. My father lived with us for about three months and I couldn't take it. I need my space.
Okay that said I really think you need to tell him that you are hurt and if doesn't get it then ya'll need some marriage counseling. My husband and I can talk about anything really there is nothing I can't say to him. I once told my best friend and cousin you know I may not be head over heels for my husband in the beginning but the fact that we talk for hours is what I love. We can talk for hours and never get tired. I know if my husband could talk to another woman like he talks to me I would be so heartbroken which I guess how you feel.
To me age doesn't matter the very fact that he doesn't spend time with you and his famiy is what wonders me.
Does his mother and sister see this? Maybe you can talk to them and see if this is how he has always been- disconnect?
Tell he you love him and you don't feel like he is being fair to you by giving himself (emotionally) to this other woman. You know there are other ways of cheating not just physically but emotionally and by not spending time with you.
Have ya'll taken a vacation just the two of ya'll? Go take a cruise or just spend some time reconnecting by yourselves on a weekend trip.
Good luck,
Leti

Also make your myspace account private and don't make them freinds. If they are ya'll friends take them off. If you think they are going to be mad for taking them off your friends post a bullentin and tell everyone that you are going to create a new account and would only like family and close friends to view your profile.

When my boyfriend does that at work I tell how I feel because they can't read are mind if I was you I would tell him that he is hurting your feeling

I would either have someone go spy on him for a few nights or go myself. So you know what I am going with you. Or show up.If it is nothing then he shouldn't get upset.Or invite them over for supper.See how they act in front of you.Good luck and sweetie go with your gut. But get the fact first before you start saying he is and he isn't. That can cause more problems.Some men do like to talk to other woman because they cant talk to their wives but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less.Hang in there and get the facts and don't let it eat you up inside about the what ifs.
Take Care and Good Luck,
S.
Also dont send someone he knows a total stranger to spy on him.

Never let your guard down!!!!!!!! You can only completley trust yourself!

Ok this post jumped out on me. When you said your husband was attached to a new friend I thought you were talking male. HELL NO! He is attached to a female. You should be upset. You are his wife he needs to be talking to you. This is not acceptable. Email me if you want to chat. ____@____.com is so not cool.

I went through a similar situation not long ago. His relationship(s) do not sound appropriate to me. My advice is to "research" his relationship with the other woman, or at least ask him to be honest with you. Both of you need couples counseling if only to get a unbiased, knowlegeable opinion from an educated third party.

Best wishes for your relationship, what your dealing with is increadibly tough but not impossible to overcome.

I am very concerned about you and your babies in this situation.I am not trying to scare you or hurt you in any way,I really am not.But honey,all of this is all too familiar to me.About eight years ago my husband and I were struggling with infertility and he confided in a woman he worked with...became "friends" with her,gave her rides to and from work,etc..He ended up having an affair with her that lasted months.She was 41 and married too and my husband was 28 at the time.She caused a lot of problems and we ended up splitting up over it.We have since worked things out,dealt with all our issues,put the past behind us and even re-married this past summer.But your story sounds so much like what went on with my husband and his "friend".I had my husband read what you wrote and he totally agrees with me that your husband is involved with this other woman...more than friends.It is just not normal for a married man with a baby and one on the way to be hanging out with other women or in bars.I wish you the best and if you need a friend,someone to talk to please feel free to e-mail me anytime.My personal e-mail address is ____@____.com luck and I will be praying for you and your babies.

R.,

I felt obligated to respond back to you as this really bought back bad memories of when i was married. I'm not trying to alarm you...well maybe just a little but when a man can talk to someone else and not you...there are serious issues going on with your relationship. Marriage is about being the best of friends and most of all a team. This is something that my ex and I lost and have now found it as ex husband and wife. We are better friends now than when we were married and its sad that it took us to get divorced to find that again. However we are too different people now and there is nothing between us now but a platonic relationship for the kids.

When we were married I like you chose to take the blind eye but the longer we were married and the nagging that I did only made us grow apart even further instead of me taking the initiave to really focus on the problem I rebelled and focus on all his negatives and probably sabataged any chance to fix what was breaking around us.

I am now strong in my christian faith and have learned that in a marriage it is a bond that shouldnt be taken lightly and any time that he is spending with her is robbing quality time with you and your family that you've both created. It would be a shame that it take for him to loose it all for him to realize that this is where the heart is.

If he hasnt cheated...you allowing this is only giving him the green light. You can express your feelings without being ugly but if he is not being receptive to what your saying...it could possibly mean that his mind is made up. The fact that he is telling you "i can tell her things I cant tell you" sounds to me that he is almost trying to tell you something.

I pray that you both find counseling, talk it out and work it out but DO NOT ignore this and wait until it is an issue.

God Bless you!.

Hi R.,
As I read this I could hear and feel your hurt feelings all the way over here... have you thought about not arguing, but expressing to your husband that your goal is for the *two of you* to have an open and close relationship? Its great that he has a new friend, but not if he is not also working on closeness with you. You deserve companionship too.. and not just the companionship of your 10 month old!
Lots of luck!
A.- mom to Dominic (9) and Julian (6)

I am 36 and my husband is 37, at one point and time he had a friend that he would confide in and eventually it led to more than just talking. Personally, I understand why the ladies husband is freaked out. I would have a problem with him confiding in someone else besides me. I understand that he loves you, but their are all types of affairs. I think the emotional affairs are the worst ones. Something that I have learned in the past is the more that you worry and/or complain to your husband the more he is going to run to the other person. I don't feel that it is right that he wouldn't confide in your about their conversations. There is no right or wrong answer about this. Just let him know how much this hurts you and how you want him to have that type of relationship with you. I don't feel that it's right that he is spending time with this women, if he wants to talk to her ya'll should go out as a couple (you and him and his friend and her husband). good luck and let me know if you ever need sometime to talk too you can email me at ____@____.com