Husband Is Driving Me Crazy

I'm so with you on this one. I keep finding my hubby off playing with the kids toys, while I clean-up, feed everyone, etc. I've been on him for three weeks about sealing a countertop, and when I mentioned it last night again, he said, remind me in the morning, why is it my responsibility to remember things for him? I have three kids to care for. I'm tired.

Men are as much work as children, I swear.

Everyone who walks on the floors needs to take a turn mopping them.
Everyone who eats needs to take a turn cooking dinner. Everyone who eats from plates needs to take a turn washing dishes.
Everyone who wears clothing needs to take a turn doing laundry.
Everyone who shits and showers needs to take a turn cleaning the bathroom.
Everyone who had a part in conceiving the kids needs to take a turn at changing diapers, wiping noses and butts, bathing and tucking in, etc.
It really is that simple.

This is why God invented lists. Be specific.

(I dont think a mans brain works that way--where they just "know" what to do. My husband is very helpful and hands on bit he also has the ability to SIT there while there are pikes of mess right near him. (And he's naturally a very neat person.)

Be specific. Example:
"Please unload the dishwasher/put dishes away & wipe the counters"
Not "clean up kitchen."

Ask for what you need, clearly and specifically. Don't attack. Don't use "always" "never" etc.
Say "Babe, I need you to help out a little more. I can't do it all. I feel like I'm drowning and need a lifeline. How about I'll write down things that would really help me out. Thanks!"

Don't let unexpressed expectations cause disappointment on your end.
Speak up!

You need to tell him what you want. Men's minds work differently from women's! Boy, do they ever! He really doesn't know how you think, and he doesn't know what you want, unless you tell him so.

How can you keep this telling him from turning into a blow-up? Stick to the facts. Don't toss in a single snide remark or barb. Don't pass judgment on him. Just say, "Bert, I need you to shovel the walk this morning. Would you?" If he does it, that's great. Thank him. If he doesn't, don't say anything. Just do it. Men have a way of turning their ears off because they think, "No matter what I say or do, she's going to chop my head off." Surprise him! Don't do that. See if it helps.

I was you a long time ago. Over the years, I realized that I couldn't do everything. I don't work outside the home any more but I have back issues and a thyroid problem and I don't sleep well so I have only so much energy & stamina.

A few years back when DD was a baby, I was tired and miserable and always cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. I was exhausted by the time DH got home from work. I had no energy when he wanted "adult time" with me after DD went to sleep. I told him I'd love to have the energy to "play" at night but I was just too tired. He offered to do more around the house. I still do the majority of the work load but he helps with garbage, laundry, putting dishes away and an occasional bathroom clean-up. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll just tell him that I'd like to have enough energy for him later on so can he help with x,y,z. You'd be amazed how quickly that guy can throw in a load of laundry when it means I'll be more relaxed later on. Please ask for what you need. Men can be great, but they are not known for their mind-reading abilities.

How about texting your husband...tell him you want sex but first the dishes need to be washed and put away, the family room needs to be dusted and vacuumed, and here is the list of things that need to be bought at the store. That may motivate him.
I tell my husband there is nothing sexier than a man with a mop😉

I am not the family servant. I know there are women who feel completely complete because they are wonderful homemakers and wives and taking complete care of their family fulfills them. I'm just not one of them.

If I ever want to have a life then I have to simply draw the line and say no more.

I know a family where the mom and dad both work in professional fields. They make a ton of money each month. They have a nice family with a bunch of school age kids. Those kids and the dad all help. No one serves anyone else.

Know what? They appreciate the work the others do for them.

Here's what I would do in your place.

I would sit down tonight and think this through. Then do it. Don't put a ton of time into because hopefully you won't have to do it all the way. Just enough to get the large jobs assigned to someone else.

Make a list of all the daily jobs. Those that must be done every single day.

Cooking
Cleaning the kitchen
Dishes
Counter tops
Sweep and mop the kitchen after meals
Wiping off the dining room table and chairs
Vacuuming the carpet, sweep/dust mop the hard surface floors
Take out the trash
and everything else you can think of from feeding animals to buying milk

Then make lists for every other day chores (Taking out the trash in on this list in our home), a weekly list such as changing the bed linens, be-weekly, monthly, every 3 months, 6 months, and yearly.

Only you can make these lists but don't forget washing outside windows, lawn care, changing AC filters, washing curtains, dusting the ceiling fans, and all.

Then, for visual effect alone, cut each item on the list into a long piece of paper. You can curl it with scissors like gift wrapping ribbons. The effect is that you'll have a clear jar full of small curled up pieces of paper for each family member to draw a single one out of.

So, tell the family you're calling a family meeting. Have the jars sitting there and perhaps a large poster board with each person's name across the top and a line drawn between each one.

Sit them all down and talk to them about how you're exhausted every day and need more help. So you've taken all the jobs YOU do, emphasize YOU do them, and it's time for everyone to pitch in more.

So....each one is going to draw a piece of paper out of each jar until they're all gone. Then everyone is going to have their own list of things to do.

It's going to be utter chaos at this time. Point out the reason's it's unfair to assign all this to one person. The kids will say dad should help, a pointed look at dad might make a difference but I don't know.

Tell them let's get started. Hope, hope, hope, the kids get the most horrible hardest jobs you have put in there. Write each thing is small print under their names so they see they have a lot of area to fill up with jobs. Hope hubby gets something he totally hates too. You WANT them to get horrible horrible things on their lists.

Keep it going and going and going as long as you possibly can. When it's just to that final point that no one can handle all the different jobs they've been assigned and still work or go to school or play sports or have piano lessons or talk to friends or anything but work work work THAT'S the moment you need. Point out the jar isn't even half empty and they're just going to have to suck it up. Maybe push it one more draw.

They're confused, wondering how they're going to have a life and do all this work.

Ask them how they expect YOU to have any life at all, how can they say they love you and make you do all this (Use the visual aid-the chore chart) by yourself. Ask them if it's fair to you? Why should it all fall on you?

Look them each in the eyes as you speak about these things. Guilt them.

They should love you enough to serve you and help you do the things on this list.

Now, once this exercise has reached their hearts you could set up a reasonable and doable chore chart with everyone's name on it.

If your kids are school age there is no reason they can't learn to make a meal. Then they can build on that where they have 4-6 meals they can do without assistance. Like mac and cheese with some canned veggies on the side. Or a meal they can cook from frozen. Like lasagna they can take the plastic off and pop it in the microwave or oven. Boil water to cook pasta, open a jar of sauce, etc...

They can do a lot. They can sort laundry for you, even start learning how different fabrics have to washed and dried differently. Hubby washed clothes this week. He washed my black pants, some white towels, , a couple of pairs of muddy jeans, a kids coat with metal zipper, and perma press stuff. On regular cycle, warm water, low spin, and extra rinse.

The clothes are clean but my pants will have to be rewashed and rewashed numerous times by themselves to get all the white fibers out. At some point I'll be able to wash them with the other dark's and they won't leave white fibers on everything.If his mom had taught him how to sort clothes he'd be more successful at doing family style laundry.

The kids coat is in the trash because the zipper got caught on a towel and ripped out.

I had to go in and sort out the clothes before he could put them in the dryer. He can't dry clothes like my dress pants on high heat. They'd melt. The kids coat has fiber fill in it, it would have melted too. It has to be dried on low heat. The towels and the jeans are the only items he could dry on high without permanent damage.

So teaching is where you go next. If they are put in their place and shown how much you do for them on a daily basis, how they're taking advantage of you, they should start wanting to help more.

If this learning moment doesn't phase hubby simply tell him you're going to assign a certain list of chores to him. It's up to him to either do them himself or hire someone to do them for him, that you know the number of a great agency for housekeepers.

This is why there are "honey do" lists. They usually DON'T "just know". Women tend to be caretakers and we tend to pay attention to this stuff - some men do, but most don't. If he has always been like this, you can't expect him to change and turn psychic. Men aren't psychic - they don't pick up on what we want unless we're direct - that doesn't mean attacking, just boring, non-threatening directness.

Instead of turning it into a blow-out, ASK him for help. ASK him for ideas on what would make it easiest for him to help you - a list, a chart, a text, whatever. As a work-at-home mom, you need help. If you can afford a sitter part-time, do that for yourself. Maybe brainstorm with him on ways to do stuff. Make it a team effort instead of "why won't you do this?!"

Do you work outside the home? Does he? Our household chores are not equally divided but that's because our outside jobs aren't either. And sometimes, be careful what you wish for. If you're particular about how things are done, he may be unwilling to help out.

I am in the same situation. My situation is also aggravated because I despise my job, but it's the one one available to me since we moved here for his job, and since I am the one who budgets and pays bills, only I know how difficult it will be if/when I quit.
I liked reading people's responses here. But agree with Sarah S about making lists. When *I* make the lists (or the budget or the rules about discipline etc) then that problem/solution becomes *my* issue that he is helping me with, rather than *our* problem.

One thing I've started doing with my kids is stopping what we are doing every now and then and I say "Look around. Everyone find ONE THING that needs to be cleanup up, but away or finished." They really don't see the mess when they are playing but when I make it a challenge, they see something to clean up w/o me telling me.
I am going to add my husband to that exercise.
Surely he will notice the pile of dirty hockey clothes he's been walking over for 3 days?

Been there. It has taken us years to work all this out and we are still working on it. Make a date and talk about it when you are not in the throes of irritation.
The most helpful moment was when I was able to get my husband to understand that if I felt I was doing all the work it killed my libido. And that the reverse was true - the more he did his part without my asking, the sexier I felt. A win-win situation.
I understand the list-makers, but that always made me feel like I was in charge and just delegating. And what I want is a real partner, someone who sees what needs to happen and does it as a matter of course. Part of that was helping my husband learn to see what needed to be done, the other part was backing off on my own expectations of how things "had" to be.