My husband goes on out of town jobs occasionally for work. He may be gone for a week or so here or there, sometimes 2. He was just on a job that lasted almost 4 months out of state. He would come home every other weekend, sometimes every 3rd weekend. At first it was hard and our weekends we would have fun and try to make the best of it. As time went on, we started to seem like we were just 'getting used to it.' We had a family vacation a couple weeks ago that lasted 2 weeks. It was AWFUL. The first week off together was horrible. He was drinking every day and just acting like a jerk. Apparantly since he has been out of town in a place where there isn't much to do, he has a few beers every day now. Well, after vacation, he went back there for a week and is now home. He has been home for just over a week and things just don't feel the same. It seems like if he has the opportunity to hang with a friend, he would rather do that. I asked him to help with something at the house over the weekend - something simple - and he made it sound like it was the worst thing in the world. He is still coming home after work every night having a few beers and he acts like it is nothing. I tried talking to him about it and he says he needs time to 'adjust'. He has been so used to doing nothing and then coming home and being 'bombarded' is something he isn't used to. I don't know what I am bombarding him with. I haven't asked him to do anything. I also work full time so this has been really difficult on me as well. I have two kids I have had to take care of by myself. I would have thought that coming home after being away for almost 4 months would have been something to be happy about. Not something to be miserable about.
Yes, I have also suggested him to see a counselor. No - not an option. He absolutely REFUSES to go see one. I don't know if he really does need time to adjust or if there is something else going on here. I want to know if anyone else has experienced having a traveling husband and how he is affected by it. Thanks.
Thanks for all the wonderful responses. I did briefly try talking to him last night and it seems that the issue has been that I don't give him enough attnetion - and this has been brought up before. And I do admit I am not the best at giving attention. Mainly because I am so consumed at being the full-time working mom and wife. He still did not communicate well last night and has not today. We are going to try to have a one on one dinner tonight. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for all the advice. I didn't think that a 4 month period could do this much damage :(
Are you thinking "without saying anything", that there might be another woman?
If so, you should just ask him and get it over with. You seem to be in misery and if he's done something wrong, he's in misery too and taking it out on you.. Better to get things out in the open and fix it. Some couples manage to strengthen their marriage without outside help.
A friend of mine went through this, and is now getting divorced. They just grew apart while he was away so much and it got to where she didn't miss him when he was gone, and resented it when he came home and didn't think he had to help or be involved.
You know what they say: if your wife has a problem with your drinking, then you have a drinking problem!
ALRIGHTY, now that I've found my handy dandy "Deployment Cycle Readiness Handbook".... :) Here's what they have to say (and it's SOOOOO true).
1) Do not expect things to be the same. Both the family and the soldier (or just work away husband, in your case!) have changed during this time of separation.
2) Roles and responsibilities may never return to "pre-deployment" status. People grow and change as time passes.
3) Many times there is an anticlamactic let down after the big anticipation when the homecoming is over. The reunited family needs to take time to find out what is new in their lives, for there are bound to be changes in everyone's routine.
4) Everyone who has been through a separation has said the most important thing to a positive reunion is to keep the first few days after coming home free to just get to know each other again. (May be a little late on this one, but still worth a shot!) Begin to work out newly identified problems shortly after those first few days.
5) Things will not be the same as when the soldier left, for everyone involved. New roles may have been assumed out of necessity. New rules may have been established to keep things going on the home front.
6) Everyone has become more independent as they have taken on new responsibilities, made their own decisions, and set their own schedules and routines.
7) Problems that existed prior to the deployment will most likely be there at the reunion. Prepare to discuss and work on these problems.
8) Give up any fantasies or expectations you may have about what the reunion should be like.
9) There may be some emotional strain
10) Expect to have a few doubts and worries. Your partner may think that you do not need him/her anymore and vice versa. Anxiety is a natural and normal part of your reunion.
11) You and the family will need to take time to listen and talk to each other.
12) For couples, reestablishing sexual intimacy will take time, patience, and good communication - take time to get to know each other again.
13) Trust your partner or family member(s) on the decisions made and on the way things were handled during the deployment. Caution against feeling upset by things that are done differently. Change WILL happen.
14) Encourage everyone to express their feelings. Try to see things from the other person's point of view.
I'm going to stop there, just because a lot of the rest of it (and I'm sure some of what I already typed) is a bit redundant. 4 months is now about half of a standard army deployment length, which is well long enough for this info to apply. I wish I had a website to point you to which has all of this info, but this particular booklet appears to be only produced on paper.
I wish you the best of luck in getting to a place that is acceptable for everyone.
Then you see one without him. It sounds like he's either gotten used to the single life or picked up a drinking problem or both. You might also look at resources that help military families reunite after one parent had to do it all and the other was away working.
It sounds like he is trying to decide if he wants to have a family or be a single man. He doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want to talk about what he is feeling.
It also sounds like he may have a drinking problem.
If I were you, I'd go to counseling on your own and possibly to Ala-non. You need to do something here. Also get your ducks in a row because if he decides to leave you guys, you need to have your bank account set and everything else that a lawyer would help you with. Forewarned is forearmed.
The point is, you may not see this coming, and it would be a shame if you did nothing to protect you and the kids. If he doesn't leave, you will lose nothing by being prepared. If he does, you will be glad you took care of it.
Dawn
He needs to man up and remember that he has responsibilites in the home too.
Don't ask him to do things. Simply start each day by telling him the things you need to get done, and then let him know that you need him to do ______________ (things that were on his chore list before he left, that he needs to get back into doing regularly). Don't ask. It's not a request, it's HIS JOB as part of the family. So put the expectation out there. You are doing your part, and you expect that he'll man up and do his.
You aren't married to him to be a single parent. You need to talk to him and let him know, using "I" statements. "I feel like I'm all alone in this. I feel like my husband left me. I need to feel like your cherished wife again. I missed you. I really need help. I feel like the kids and I aren't a priority anymore. I feel lonely. I feel stressed. I feel exhausted. I feel __________."
Try not to put him on the defensive in your statements. Tell him how you feel, tell him what you need. Ask him how you can help him to get back into the swing of things at home, so he can be a part of things again, and you can feel less stressed and burdened with all the chores and tasks and needs of running a home.
This happens a lot when Soldiers deploy. One spouse stays home and runs the home so efficiently and effectively that, when the deployed Soldier spouse returns, they feel like they no longer have a place in the home. They feel unneeded and worthless. So you have to make your husband feel needed and respected again in your home. It's going to take work on both your parts, but it's worth it.
Him coming home... he is treating it like a "vacation" and he's gotten the attitude about WHY he HAS to do things.... that before was just a part of being a parent and a Husband.
Seems, he is acting like a single person. Now.
He needs a reality check.
Talk to him, bluntly.
HIS home is HIS home too and he is not a hotel guest.
AND HE HAS A FAMILY to be responsible, to.
Re-adjustment and "re-entry" is normal after weeks or months away. But it sounds like he has checked out, perhaps getting used to the single life more than he should have. I'm not saying there's been an affair going on, but people don't drink excessively if everything is fine. No place is THAT boring.
So he's not coming home at night now unless he's been primed with a few drinks, and he doesn't want to participate in family life. He doesn't seem to recognize that you have carried the ball the whole time.
And if he refuses to go to counseling, then he either thinks everything is your fault and your problem to solve, or there's something he doesn't want to confront or possibly doesn't want you to find out.
Go to counseling on your own to figure out what you want and what your next step should be. You may learn some tips for engaging him (and I'm not saying it's all your fault!), or you may learn that this is not something that will change.
If he refuses to come home after work, refuses to participate on the weekends, and refuses to go to counseling, then he's not making you and his family the priority. That's a huge red flag.
Good luck.
I think now you know what military families go thru. My husband worked steady 4pm to midnight. NYPD. He would leave at about 1:45 pm and get home at 1:30. It was just me and the kids. Vacations always took several days to adjust. Kids were all in school at this time. When he retired I had to figure out what to do with him lol. Remember I had every night to myself, five nights a week. It took time but we adjusted. Had to find a balance. Give him some time, but if things do not I,proved some outside help might be needed.
I don't want to guess too much about your situation, because I don't want to be alarming when there is no need. I'll tell you what has been my experience with a traveling hubby.
He travels pretty much every week- Mon-Thurs or Friday, then home on weekends. After longer trips he would have a harder time being home. He was used to working all day then going to a quiet hotel room and not being bombarded with kid stuff (and wife stuff!). Simply the awareness of this was enough to help him adjust, and be able to remind himself "oh yeah, I'm home now and stuff needs to happen all evening". No problem.
Little things, like he orders whatever he likes for meals out of town, so he'll be home and ask what's for dinner. I'll tell him and he often said "hmmm, don't know if that sounds good". Really? Then let's eat what YOU cooked. Again, awareness of why this habit started was enough to end it (along with my furious response!).
The drinking. I will say that my husband did say he would sometimes go down to the hotel bar to do some catch up work and have a few beers. I didn't like this for many (probably obvious) reasons. I don't want him to not have any relaxation while gone, but I need him to not be the guy drinking by himself in a hotel bar. So he now tries to schedule more work dinners so that he can be with other people and relax that way. He doesn't drink at home.
I can also tell you that these things seemed amplified when our daughter was younger. Routines and phases change so quickly, he felt like he came home and couldn't do anything right because it wasn't how we were doing things when he left. Not sure how old your kids are, but that was my experience- it got easy when she got older, not so much of the screaming, needy, energy-sucking little kid thing.
Not sure if that perspective helps you or not. I would suggest asking him more questions than telling him things. Ask what it's like being gone for a while and then coming home. He may tell you things that surprise you. Or maybe not, but you can at least acknowledge what he is feeling and let him know that "I get why you feel this way, I also still need you to be plugged in when you are home". And then work on ways to ease him back in. But at the end of the day, he needs to re-involve himself better than he is doing. There is a supportive way to meet this need, but he's just got to do it.
Once you've worked on that, let him know that you are not comfortable with how much he is drinking. Others said it, and it's simple but true- if you have a problem with it, it's a problem.
Good luck.
Welcome to military life. When husbands/wives are separated for a bit there is an adjustment period of getting back into the saddle so to speak. Your husband is used to doing things for himself right now and it takes about a month for him to get back to being in a family relationship again.
I have been there done that. I was a full time working mom when my husband came back after a year and I "expected" him to be ready to take over but it didn't happen. Don't beat yourself up and don't put more pressure on him right now. Yes it would be nice for him to come in and start doing things but it doesn't quite work that way.
Think of it as beginning to date all over again. He has been gone and away and not living the day to day with you and your family. He has to "re-enter" the family unit and fit back in. You both have grown a bit at different rates without being together and that also may be noticed more.
Whatever you do, don't start to fight over small stuff as it is not worth it. You want and need him there but you also have to look at it as he as been a bachelor for four months and on his own.
Have a good holiday season and let us know how things turn out after the holidays.
The other S.
My hubby has been working away during the week (home on the weekends) for about 6 months. I am also a working mum. While I can't explain some of the aspects of your post I will say that it is a big adjustment for both of us now that my husband is home. Here are my thoughts, based on my experience, take them or leave them:
You both get into a routine and used to "single life" meaning, not having to take into account the needs of another adult, sharing the decision making process, cleaning up after someone else, etc.
It will take time to re-adjust to each other. The first couple days to a week that my hubby was home there were quite a few disagreements and general grumpiness. (which is the exact opposite of how you think it's going to be which makes it that much harder!)
There is not usually much else for hubby to do while he is away other than have a meal and have a drink. I don't begrudge him this at all. I have recently asked him not to drink at home, mainly since he snores and I want to spend quality time as a family. He has willingly agreed to this.
Try going easy on each other, you've been apart for quite awhile and it's a re-adjustment. If things are still like this in a month then I would reconsider my response to you.
He probably does need to adjust, but honestly it's not as if he was away from the home the entire four months. It's not as if he was away from his family for the entire four months.
I can't say what is or isn't wrong, but I do want to say that you HAVE TO trust your instincts about what you think it might be. And that even if he says counseling isn't an option, you need to go anyway on your own. Let him know that he's welcome to go with you and that it's preferable if he does. Reassure him that marriage counseling is NOT about telling him what you think is wrong with him, but for both of you to relearn how to relate and communicate with each other. That it's for both of you. It's not intended to be a bashing session although you'll both be able to air issues and worries out in sessions.
For nearly two years, my dad traveled from CT to NH to work coming home only on weekends. The hope was to move to NH after selling our house in CT. For whatever reason, it never panned out. I know when he finally stopped working in NH he was excessively grateful to be home full time, working back in CT, and although it was weird for everyone for a little while it's wasn't THAT weird. He had missed everyone and his own home and yard. So I do find your husband's responses to be somewhat odd.
You have my sympathies. On the RARE occasions I'm away for a night or two, I'm super conscious of the "extra burden" my husband carried and rush in all set to make up for it. He does not think the same way at all! I don't have good advice except could you sit down and outline a plan for him to re-engage? Sometimes talking in a way like "I understand you have to adjust. How long do you think it will take? Can we set up a timetable giving you small steps?" How can he say no? If he does, then you explore with "does that seem fair to me?" Or "why do you think you're feeling kind of resentful? Did you enjoy being on your own more than you enjoy being home?" I gotta say it might be easy to get used to no responsiblities! Maybe acknowledge that and ask if that's how he wants to live for now on. Is your family too much work and he wants out? Hopefully he will say no of course. And then he has no choice but to man up and re-engage even if it's slowly. If he says yes, ugh but maybe better to know. And once he says he wants out and you give him that freedom, he may come around to realizing that's not what he really wants... The drinking would bug me but hard to say if he's developed an actual addition. Maybe as part of the outline say on xyz nights, no drinking? Take baby steps?
Would he be willing to go to therapy with you? If not, I would make an appointment for you to go without him. You need to sort out your feelings and take care of yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Are they his kids too? Or your biological children? Tell him he's got five days to "readjust" and then he needs to become part of his family again.
I don't think you should bug him about a few beers, but if he acts distant and remote, then you need to have a talk. He doesn't get to "adjust" forever.
It sounds like he needs "space".
Try not "depending" on him at all... see how he likes that.
He may just be "out of the routine". Sometimes when you're away for so long you become disconnected by the events of daily life and it's hard to get back into the swing of things. When he's on the road, all he has is work. He doesn't have to worry about getting dinner on the table or picking up the kids or getting them to bed. Or doing the grocery shopping or mowing the lawn. He just has to worry about himself. Should he be happier to see his family? Probably.
I don't think needing time "to adjust" is a satisfactory answer for drinking and being home later than he should be, or bitching that he's being asked to help in the household. If it were me, I would insist on marriage counseling. Whether he believes that there is a problem or not, you believe that there is... so there is one. Obviously it's not working out very well for you two to handle it and counseling can be a great catalyst for identifying and resolving problems.
Marriage is hard. Couple that with two kiddos, two full time working parents and a job that involves traveling and the difficulty increases greatly . If he wants the marriage and the family, he should want to go.
Good luck~
Growing apart does not take as much time as growing back together. Be patient. Like Loveteaching math said. It is almost like a deploment. You both need to learn how to work together again.
If your husband won't see a counselor - you see one just so you know how to deal with this situation.
N.
