Is It a Big Deal or a Deal Breaker??

I'd definitely say Big Deal. But, the fact that he feels the need to hide the drinking is a problem. My initial suggestion is counseling. Talk to him about it and see if he'd be willing. Explain to him how you feel and that you're unwilling to be so tolerant any longer. You have every right to be "intolerant" of that kind of behavior.

Hi,
If you have been married for 15 years and he is a good husband and father and works everyday maybe its just his way to unwind you know.when you notice that hes been drinkking try not to pay any att. to it just do your own thing maybe he does it cause he knows it gets you worked up all the time.I dont know if i've been any help but try what i said.

I feel for you. I went through a 15 year disaster. What I had to do was first put myself in check. Look at the pros and cons of the relationship. Try and find a time when he is sober to go over a few guidelines that you come up with. If they are not adheard to then there is a consequence. If that does not mean much to him to stop then also think about counseling and support group for yourself. A person whom may be wonderful otherwise can also be abusive. Abuse, no matter what or how it is should not be tolerated by anyone. It is easier said than done but you should try taking a deep look into yourself and getting some counseling for yourself. That way you can set those parameters. Look also into some rehabs and maybe be a support for him to attend those meetings. They do work if you want them to.

Hey A.-- I felt like you were writing my story. I never really talk about it, but if you'd like to chat, please feel free to email me. I may not have a brilliant solution, but I do know what you are going through! Have a good week... K.

Hi A.-

I just have a few questions. How often does he drink, and does it affect his ability to properly care for his kids? Does he drink when the kids are solely in his care, or after they have gone to bed for the night? The most important thing you need to look out for is your kids. My husband and I like to have a few beers on Saturday night after the kids have gone to bed, most people do. If it happens more than that, you may have to look at some other options. If this is a huge issue for you, try talking to him about going to counseling. This may be a problem that he doesn't realize that he has, or he may want to get help, but he doesn't know how. If you love him and want to help him, just be there for him, and listen to him. Do anything you can to help him, but most of all, be supportive. This wasn't something that developed overnight, and it can't be fixed overnight.

P.

Anytime somebody is drinking in "secret" it's a pretty bad sign. Slurred speech doesn't happen after only a few beers. It does depend on weight and other factors but even a person of small stature will not start to slur after a few beers. One bit of advice I have is to not confront your husband when he is drunk, that could get ugly. But you do need to do something about it, if you truly believe there might be a problem.

My sister-in-law could have had your husband. Her husband of 16 years always drank. Still, he was always able to handle the kids, work, etc. She asked him to go to counseling, stop the drinking, etc. He said he would not give it up. (sign of an alcoholic) We just found out six months ago he'd been having an affair with the neighbor next door and covering it up with the alcohol. Now that they are going through a messy divorce he drinks freely now. I and she would suggest counseling and AA. If he refuses to go to save the marriage I would seriously think about my options. Lots of luck.

I will admit that I am an alcholic also and can see that your husband is showing all the basic signs of it. It's often hard to see drinking as a problem when your not really becoming aggressive or doing anything stupid, but it still IS a problem. I have been an on again and off again alcholic for about 10 years now, in that time I have tried rehab and the blue book and it just didn't work. Here are some things that did work for me. To me (and this DOES NOT work for everyone, not drinking was not the answer).

1) Ask him to make sure he is not drinking for emotional reasons. I view social and responsible drinking as okay, but if i'm picking up the bottle when I'm upset I know the problem is coming back.

2) Refrain from drinking during certain periods. Since I have a normal 9-5 job 5 days a week, I do not drink on any day that I have to work the following day. This limits my amount of drinking and in your case would verify that he is available to you the majority of the time.

3) Don't drink heavily when the kids are awake. One beer right before bed time might be fine, but it's usually better to keep drinking limited until the kids are in bed for the night. This makes it clear that until they are in bed, his time belongs to his family, after that he can relax and unwind with a beer if he so desires.

Like I stated, these are not the ways that most people would suggest dealing with this situation, but they are some ideas. If he puts them into affect, he might start noticing the differences in his behavior along with seeing what he is neglecting you during and what fun he could be having with the children. This may be the incentive to lead to a stronger form of treatment.

J.

A.,
You need to talk to him when he is not drinking and maybe even request that the two of you have a drink together so you can see how much it takes for his speech to begin to slur. I know it sounds like an FBI agent but sometimes showing that we do care rather than not saying anything and almost giving our approval is better. I wish you lots of luck but you need to discuss this with your sober husband of 15 years not argue with him or accuse him of any wrong doing to get him to listen.

R.

If you believe he has a problem you have every right to be concerned. Him doing it behind your back does sound that way, but has it always been like that or is that his response to knowing it upsets you? If he is having 1 or 2 beers but knows that you don't approve of course it will happen behind your back. I know from experience that some people will not change some things about them and in an attempt to make things better they hide it. If you become more lenient on it maybe it wouldnt bother you as much. A limit say 1 or 2 a night and then if he is still doing it behind your back that is when I would become concerned. An attempt to compromise would be my first step. Hope this helps and good luck!