I haven't been on here in a long time, but I'm at a loss so any words of advice would be appreciated. I have 2 daughters and had my son last May and he has brought me so much joy, but it seems all during my pregnancy and especially after he was born my husband's alcohol problem has just spiraled. I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless, I've tried everything short of leaving him, which is what I'm planning to do next. I don't even trust him home with the kids by himself.
When I get mad about the drinking, which is often because it angers me to hell that someone could put their addiction before their children, he will get mad back and sometimes becomes verbally abusive and punch/slam doors, he has even been verbally abusive to my older daughter (13 yrs) who is not his biological child. He will say anything to hit me where it hurts he has become very good at that.
I have grown to hate him over time I'm not even sure if there's any love left. He will go on drinking binges for days where he doesn't seem to care about anything else and then he'll tell me everything I want to hear and do good for a few days to a week and then the cycle will start all over again. I can't stay on this roller coaster it is taking such an emotional toll on me not to mention on the kids as well when they see us fight.
He hides bottles all over the place and will lie straight to my face even though I can smell it on him. It's almost like he gets some smug satisfaction if he can fool me. We argue about this nonstop and if I had somewhere else to go I would've left him a long time ago. I just wish he would move out he has more options than I do and the kids don't want to move anyway. I'm at the end of my rope.
I guess I know what I need to do, I just wanted hear some encouraging stories of other women who got up the strength to leave and make it on their own. Although I'm terrified to stay with him because it has become too painful, I'm terrified of being a single mom of 3 also, that was not what I had planned. When he's sober he's a hands-on dad and very helpful, but that's becoming less and less because of the drinking.
Sorry this is getting long, I'm feeling extremely discouraged and depressed at the moment. Needless to say our Christmas was ruined by drinking and fighting. My kids are the only thing keeping me going. Also if you know of any good support groups around Orange County, Ca that would be helpful too, thanks for reading about my pain I had to vent it somewhere.
Thank you for all the encouraging replies, I didn't realize how many other men out there are like this: alcoholic, hot temper, etc. although I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, it helps to know others know how I feel and/or have been there. Rosecity, your story could be my own. I have the same fears. I am going to try alanon and hopefully persuade him to move out or try getting a restraining order to get him out.
To the one person who said not sure why I decided to have another child with him: in my first paragraph I already explained after I became pregnant he just progressively got worse. He's always been a drinker of course, but this whole past year I've seen him spiral right before my eyes. When I say 'a long time ago', i meant since last year in the middle of my pregnancy. My son is the light of my life along with my two girls even if I have to raise them on my own I wouldn't trade them for the world.
So many of you said what I have repeatedly said to myself, my husband, and my own family: I AM A SINGLE MOM. Just with a wedding band on. To hear it from you ladies makes it ring even more true, but I've known it all along. Thank you again, my heart hurts for all of us going through this and admire those who had the strength to get out of it.
go to al-anon.
he can't put his family before his addiction, because it IS an addiction. that doesn't mean you have to suffer in silence.
go to al-anon.
i'm so sorry.
:( khairete
S.
I go to Al-anon.. my qualifiers (as they call em) were my mom, father, aunt, brother.... and list goes on.. I realized something HUGE by attending Al-anon... and that is.. although I seldom EVER drink and when I do, it's one or two glasses of wine, I still had some of the alcoholic DRY behaviors such as the thinking and emotional ways of coping.. or lackthereof I should say...
My suggestion to you is... try a 12 step.. they have alateen for the younger people ... I've learned that I cannot change someone else and when I finally got that, it was empowering because I learned I can change ME... start with you.. start today.. check out their website. they have meetings all over and at all times , even online.. they are free...
getting into program has been one of the best things I ever did for me..
you aren't alone.. many people can relate and share your story.. ruined holidays, screaming... violence.. etc...
good luck and blessings..
Sorry you are going through this. Here is the al anon schedule: http://orangecountyalanon.org/meetingdirectory.php
They are probably one of the best support groups you are going to find for having an alcoholic family member.
My father was an alcoholic and so is my husband. My father's life was cut short at 52 years old. My husband has been sober for 18 years. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. That doesn't mean he is always a drinker, he will just always have the disease.
Once you begin to learn about alcoholics you will understand why they do things better. It's not going to make his situation better, it is going to help you understand why he acts the way he does, like what you described above.
It is true, your two children may have to visit with him. If he adopted the older child, she may have to visit too.
My dad was always too big of a mess to keep his promise to visit. He would tell my sisters he was coming and then not show up. It broke their hearts.
I am sorry, there aren't very many winners no matter what you do.
Try to get yourself some help to keep your sanity.
Best wishes.
You've already gotten lots of great advice. I just want to reiterate everything that everyone's said about hitting rock bottom. Wild Woman drove the point particularly well.
I had a good friend who became a raging alcoholic, and one thing I read that really stuck with me was ***DO NOT TRY TO KEEP AN ALCOHOLIC FROM HITTING THEIR ROCK BOTTOM.*** All the arguing and pleading and fighting that we do with alcoholics only serves to drag out the inevitable - and the only thing it does for you is drive you crazy. Why drive yourself crazy with months if not years of arguing and fighting, when if left to his own devices he may hit bottom much sooner, and you don't have to spend so much energy fighting in the meantime. Put that energy into your kids and getting your own life organized instead.
Someone else pointed out - very truly - you already ARE a single parent. You've been doing that for a long time. Nothing to fear there. Once you are no longer single-parenting in the middle of a battlefield I think you will find life to be much more pleasant, even if it's not perfect.
Good luck - lots of love being sent your way!
Check on Al-Anon groups - there could be one near you. You need the support of (and accountability to) people who have had your experience. Today might be the best day to get started on this.
ETA: please re-read Diane's post.
As shown, you cannot apply logic to insanity. Addiction is insanity.
If the addiction problem is addressed, the "other" problems will follow.
They're ALL alcohol related problems.
He needs to hit HIS rock bottom.
Losing his family MIGHT be his rock bottom.
Please go to Alanon. Learn about enabling.
Take your kids with you.
Learn about this DISEASE.
He will NOT get better due to a few "good days" as you're describing.
His body NEEDS the alcohol now.
Did you know you can die from withdrawal from booze?
He needs to WANT help.
When he does, he needs a safe medical detox and then a food recovery program.
Good luck!
So very sorry... Please go to Alanon and to a divorce lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. You need to know exactly what your rights are. The lawyer will help you. You also need SOME WAY to document your husband's alcoholism for the court. Talk to the lawyer about that.
My best to you and your children...
There are a lot of women who have made it on their own. I am always puzzled by those who think they can't. I have a sister who has had her lights shut off, her husband has neglected to pay bills. She works. He lost his job by failing a blood test and They have a son who is seven who just had very little of a Christmas. She has sat in the dark without electricity and keeps going back to the guy who is verbally abusive and still has addictions. As far as I know he hasn't touched her, but has broken things. I can't bear to see this.I have stopped telling her this, but maybe someone will listen. You are bringing up children in this environment. I want to say get out now, but you hesitate. I left, I did it years back, took two kids, and moved to a tiny apartment from a house with three bathrooms. I have been happily remarried for eighteen years to a man who still insists I just wait while he took out the Christmas garbage last night because he didn't want me to get cold.
You can go to Alanon. You can save ten dollars a week so you feel like you have cash (HIDE IT) and you can stall a few more years while your children grow up in this household. IT is so sad. You are hurting so much. But the guy you married isn't there anymore and the one on the white donkey isn't pulling up to the curb. Get yourself a support group - a church perhaps? (sorry I don't know Orange County), and know that you are NOT alone. Now if I could get my sister to do this I would feel so much better. I am not here to endorse divorce. You can do that along the road if need be. I am here to support you in your endeavor to save yourself and your children. YOU are already a single mom. It's now time to let the world help you. YOU CAN DO IT.
I'm divorced and was married to a cheater, not a drunk. However, my advice is you need to start collecting evidence against him. *If* you do leave and divorce, he has parental rights to have visitation with the kids. So you need to PROVE that he isn't able to have them on his own, otherwise, that is exactly what will happen. I'm sorry you are going through this but am happy you see it isn't worth staying with a man who treats you like this. Many of us have been through it and our lives have turned out much better. Good luck.
I'm not sure why you decided to have another child with someone you would have left long ago. But it's done.
Honestly, you're better off without him. I left an alcoholic, and I made him move out. The house was in MY name, and I wasn't going to let his drinking cause me to lose MY home.
He spent nights at one shelter or another.
If you can't make him leave, you and your kids are better off at a shelter than under the same roof with him.
Nothing will change unless he hits rock bottom. He will do that if he loses his family over this.
I have 3 kids and they are my pride and joy and what keeps me with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I have been beaten down by my husband's alcoholism. He has been drinking actively and desperately trying to recover for 5 years. He has been in and out of rehab, lost jobs etc etc.....the disease is progressive and the losses and effects get more and more significant with continued use. I do believe there is hope in healing with a spiritual recovery for both spouses...at least I want to believe this. I have been separated from my husband for at least 3 years. He sees me with kids on Saturdays and my kids have ONLY seen the good in him. they have never seen him drink or really dealt with the effects of alcoholism beyond having a father that is not present consistently. It has taken me an incredible amount of energy and I have emptied myself doing this. I do not work and he is currently unemployed. His parents are helping us and that is a whole other story. Alcoholism destroys everything in its path and has ruined my relationship with my in laws for now./ There is so much to not just heal but rebuild and I am not sure it will happen. My kids are 4,5 and 7. Anyway thinking of you. Please feel free to get in touch and I would love to hear how you are doing and find people who understand the journey. I just started attending alanon because my littlest started school so I go 1 day a week and I find it very supportive and helpful and hopeful. Hugs to you.
